I snapped

On Friday 24^th of August I snapped!  It was a day where I spent most of it in constant arguments and I refused to accept.  I decided right there and then no more!

I would not accept any more arguments; I stormed down to the floor below and me and pulled them aside and simply said “No more”.

I then called the other person straight after work told them “Not acceptable”.

Since then, I have been better.

But I know that I still have a long way to go.

Ear Infection divine message?

Last Thursday something happened that I am not ready to talk about, the feelings are just still too raw, even after over a week.  The thoughts of the words that were spewed out at me still make me cry.

I kept it together on the train, tears were running down my cheek walking to the car and then the storm hit. It didn’t help that I had a phone call that just made the situation worse. I drove home in hysterical tears and arrived home a blubbering mess. As I blew my nose my ears popped and then the pain hit.  I had an ear infection.

The last time I had an ear infection was over 2 years ago where I was at my first client and it lasted 4 weeks. 

The next morning I woke to the thought “What am I not hearing?” I had the strong feeling that the universe was trying to say something to me, back and now and I was just not hearing the message. I also believed that this time if I don’t “hear” the message then my ear infection would not get better. It has been over a week and I still can’t hear very well out of my left ear, even though I am now on my second course of antibiotics.

I took some time off work as I got really sick, physically, mentally and emotionally ill.

During my last balance it was recommended to me that I should continue with “unhooking the physic hooks”.  If it meant that I did it every minute of the day then I was to go “to the place in my mind” and unhook them.  I kept trying and trying but they just would not go, the hooks are small now but they just kept on coming back. 

I go into my special place in my mind and when I envisioned these hooks they were scattered all over my body and were linking too many different sources.  What I realised is that whilst I removed the hooks from my body I never removed the hooks from the other end. So I proceeded to remove the hooks from the other end.  I collect them in a medium size box but am left with a task of having to dispose of them.  I don’t know how to get rid of them so I walk out the room and down the path onto the beautiful field that is surrounded but mountains and trees

The sun is shining so bright and I walk out into the centre of the field and place the box full of hooks at my feet.  I raise my face to the sun shine and close my eyes allowing the light into my body.

“Dear universe / God, will you please help me dispose of these hooks?”.

I open my eyes and look to my feet where I had placed the box, it is now empty.

“Thankyou for helping me”.

I breathe in deeply and close my eyes again.

“Dear universe / God, may I ask one more thing from you, will you please remove the pain from my heart?”

“No” I receive as an impression is so strong, I open my eyes and to the left of me I see someone standing there, the aura they possess is overwhelming and I can’t look at them directly. I sink to my knees in despair, not understanding why in my time of need I am abandoned.

“Why, will you not help me? Why have you abandoned me?”

The impression I receive is “My Child, you are not abandoned, you are cherished.  I cannot remove your pain my beloved, this is precisely what you asked for.  I am with you always and you are ever alone. Look to the people in your life, trust in the people that love you do not push them away.”

As I hear the last sentence I see the person that was being referred to walking onto the field. It never occurs to me to question how this person can enter my sacred place in my mind.

It is through this pain and through this hardship that I will grow to be the person I am seeking.

Doubts

I have doubts about myself everywhere I look now.

I feel so alone, I feel abandoned, I am feeling very low.

Something small happened this afternoon that has really affected me.  It was like a trigger went off in my head and just set the domino’s falling in my mind, doubt, doubt, doubt, doubt, doubt.

I was picking the twins up from child care and as I was walking in I saw a mother sitting in her car and her son was standing outside hysterical.  I looked the mother in the eyes as I walked in and the pain was hard to witness.

It takes a good 15 minutes for me to get the kids out of the building, as they have to tell me everything that they did that day, show me their paintings.  Then proceed to say goodbye to all their friends.  As I came out my kids walked nicely to the car, climbed in with out and word and proceeded to help me with their seat belts.

The mother and child were still in the parking lot, this time the mother had the child in the car and he was beside himself, hysterical and uncontrollable. My heart went out to the mother, I don’t know her at all, and actually I have never seen her of the little boy.

But I felt her pain, I was able to sympathise with her.  My kids have never acted like this but I could imagine what she was going through.  My natural (this is what threw me) instinct was to go over to the woman and ask her “Are you ok?”, “Is there anything I can do to help you?”.

Why did this throw me?

Well you see my reaction to someone elses pain and suffering was one of empathy.  I know I can walk in others shoes and feel what they feel.  Instinctively I wanted to go to her and just let you know that she was not alone.  This is a good trait right?

It is right?

I don’t know…I just don’t know.

If it was right and good and wonderful, why is it that my friends shunned, rejected me?

I just don’t understand.

I don’t think anything about me is right…doubt, doubt, doubt, doubt, doubt.

Is it that simple?

“Hey Dr D, how do you get rid of all this anger?”

“Forgiveness”

Could it be that simple?

Can forgiveness be that powerful?

I wonder…..

How right I was

I saw my awesome kinesiologist on Wednesday and I explained the feeling I had about my issues with friendships and how I believed that it stemmed from when I was 6 years old.

If you ever had a balance you will know what it means when I say 6 years old tested up to be correct, however it was not the first time I had “issues with friendships”.  In order to heal and remove the issues held within my soul the kinesiologist takes me back to where it all began.

Was I completely shocked as to where this all began with me.  There is a time where your soul lingers between lives, some believe that in this space you will know all the people that you will meet in your next life and you discuss agree with them the lessons that you will learn from them. 

It was in this place that I specifically asked to have the lesson of “self-worth” to be learnt through the pain of friendships.

Fast forward to the age of 6 and it was in this time that the lesson for being used was thrusted upon me. Also it as the fact that I was part of a friendship that had 3 people in it that I couldn’t handle.  My jealousy tendency came out at this time.

So at the age of 6 my friend Sonea wanted to play with me at home in front of my house.  But when we got to school Sonea would play with Anna.  I didn’t understand why she didn’t want to play with me anymore.  So in an attempt to please Sonea I would do anything I could to “win” her affection back.  Even allow myself to be used.

At 6 years of age, I learnt that I was not good enough to play with unless I became the person my best friend wanted. 

Fast forward to the age of 12, this was the next time I “tested” up as having issues with friends. My life was split between school and the Hungarian Community centre where I did Hungarian folk dancing and Hungarian scouts. At school I was in year 7 at a brand new school because I had moved into High School.  I was still trying to find my place in the world of highschool and I was feeling lost, alone and abandoned.

Yet in the other part of my life I was part of a friendship where I was again 1 of 3.  Kathy, Erika and I were inseparable.   There were times where I felt superior to Erika simply because Kathy would spend more “time” with me.  However Kathy, Erika and I were split into two different groups within Scouts.  The group they Kathy and Erika belonged in was seen as the “cool” or “popular” group.  Also in their group was Fiona and at times I was so jealous of her.

I felt that she had taken over my place in the group. Again I tried to do everything and anything in my power to keep this friendship.  Be good enough for people!  In the end my parents found out that Erika and Kathy were talking behind my back and setting me up for a cruel joke which involved a boy.

When my parents told me I was both crushed and devastated, I could not understand again what it was that I had done that was so wrong to these friends to treat me so badly.

The next age that tested up for me was age 29, I remember exactly what happened at this time and here  is the post that I wrote way back.  Recently I sent a long email to Suzi after reading one of the books on friendships and finally was able to explain exactly what I feel towards my friends and the fear I have in my heart.

Here is where the "But" comes in and here is where my doubt, low self-esteem and crap comes in.  BUT when you talk about your other girlfriends, about Laura, Paz and other friends that you have and when you talk about how close you are and how they are like your Best friends.  I get jealous and I automatically feel as though you no longer see my as your "best friend" because you have replaced me...stupid I know!

Pretty bad huh?

But I am trying to be 100% honest here and please keep reading before reacting :)

Instead of being happy for you that you have been blessed with all these different friendships, I automatically assume that there must be something wrong with me!  This is what goes through my mind "There must be something wrong with me, if Zsuzsi (or anyone) has found another friend".  Now I recognise that this is stupid.  But you see once this happens, i start backing away because i make the wrong assumption that I am no longer needed.

So recognising this type of behaviour is big step for me.  At least now I can start making changes.

What I had recognised in this email and what I have known but refused to acknowledge was that I am a very jealous person.  At the age of 6 it started with me being jealous of Anna and then at the age of 12 I was jealous of Erika and Fiona.  I never understood what I was simply not enough!  Why did my friends need other people?  Why was I not enough?

Can you see how this has been my core belief for so long?  That I was simply not good enough for anyone because they found other friends! It is something I continue to struggle with still today.

On Wednesday the emotions that came pouring out of me were:

. Black despair

. Jealousy

. Fear

. Hopelessness

. Control

. Abandonment

. Lost

I have been balanced and these emotions have come to the surface for me to continue to deal with.  I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know what I need to do to stop feeling these.

All I do know is that I need help.

Happy 6th Birthday Jordan

Jordy turned 6 on Wednesday, what an emotional day I had.  All the pain for fertility came rushing back.  All the pain of the babies I lost came back, I believe that the universe was trying to remind of the heart ache of the past. I survived then and will survive now.

I still remember the day we found out that Jordy was a Boy.  I still remember the day, the glorious day that I became the mother I was destined to become.

I am so proud of the son I have, he is kind, caring and loving.  He is smart and has such a curious mind. I see so much of myself in my little boy. I just pray that I will do the universe justice in being the mother that my son needs.

A possible cure?

I have been thinking about my previous post which is not what normally happens to me, usually once I write all my feelings down it is out of my head. This is my avenue to work out all my thoughts feelings so I was surprised that my previous post was still jumbling around.

I was thinking about how my issues with “best friends” and how it may date back to when I was 6 years old.

“All I want is to feel as though I am cherished and treasured friend”. 

With that thought the image of myself as a 6 year old being held, loved and cherished, came into my mind.

“That is what I need to help me, a friend that loves me for who I am to hold me like I am cherished and treasured, to help heal me.  I need help to be healed”.

My awesome kinesiologist suggested that I do a Lomi Lomi massage. Which I never heard of and didn’t give it much thought until now.  Lomi Lomi massage is meant to help move deep emotional issues. I will ponder this and see if I should do something like that to help heal my inner child.

*sigh* i need a hug!

An "Ah-ha" moment

I am inspired by many sources and places. Simply driving down a country road will inspire me to stop and just absorb the beauty that nature provided.

If you have read some of my previous posts you will know that Oprah is also an inspiration to me and she often referred to certain distinct moments as “Ah-ha”.

I had one at 4:30am this morning.  I woke due nature calling and as I attempted to go back to sleep the usual thoughts started “Why am I not worthy enough?”, “What did I do that was so wrong?”, “What do I need to do differently in future?”, “Maybe Nick is right, I am too overwhelming”, “I am not even worthy of being in the same room with them”.

These questions and other uber bad thoughts rolling around in my head, along with the thoughts my mind then tries to remember moments of time where I went wrong.  I am desperately seeking the problem in order to fix what I did wrong.

As my mind is racing away, like a flickering page book.  One scene that was completely unexpected popped into my head. 

There is little Mari, she is a 6 years for age, skinny little thing all legs and arms. She has just been hurt for the first time by girls she thought were her best friends.  She is crying and scared and questioning everything about herself (recognise this??).

An older version of Mari enters and says “Here is a layer to help protect yourself for the hurt of other people”. 

There was always an emotional reason for my excess weight.  I found it so hard to pinpoint, my body does not produce the right hormones which I have well documented.  No amount of dieting and fitness will help me to lose weight until I work out the emotional reason for my obesity. 

At 4:30am this morning I finally realised that the reason why I am so obese was because I was and still am trying to protect myself from friends that hurt me in the past.

This realisation was my “Ah-ha” moment, because as soon as I had this thought it felt as though things clicked into place.

18 years ago when my first love told me to leave his life, I was hurt and depressed.  At that time I doubted myself and tried to figure out what I did that was wrong. The feelings I felt at the time were always sadness, hurt and disbelief.

This time when I was told that my “best friend” status is no longer valued and never really had any meaning.  I am angry, furious and in a constant rage.  Why? Well the difference between now and then, is that I know my worth!

I have to wonder if the main reason these past 7-8 months have been so hard is because the universe is trying to get me to realise that I am fat because I am trying to protect the 6 year old Mari that was hurt deeply.

I will ponder this the next time I see my kinesiologist, but somehow this resonates with me to my core.

A little distraction

I am tired for the doom and gloom posts recently. I am simply exhausted and need a break from all the pain in my heart. I spend so much time trying to figure out what I did that was so wrong to have caused this pain and I am simply getting nowhere!

It has been such a long time since I have posted anything about the kids that I thought I would celebrate them.

For those that have read this blog since I started can you believe that my gorgeous boy Jordy will be 6 years old in 4 days?

The road of fertility was long and hard and I remember every step I took, I am still sometimes amazed that I survived with my sanity intact!

Jordy is now in Primary school and I can’t be any prouder of my big boy.  I see so much of myself in my son, he is kind hearted and thoughtful. I would not be able to leave the house in the mornings without his support. I also see that he suffers from low self-esteem and is a sensitive boy.  This is just like me and I wish I had a magic wand that would waive the pain away from his big beautiful heart!

Rylie is our cheeky monkey and the clown of the family.  He is makes us laugh so, he reminds me so much of my younger brother.  Rylie rarely shows me affection he will cuddle into me but opening showing that he cares is something my “brown eyed baba” is not comfortable with.  He hides his true self with is silliness, he is extremely sensitive but tries to be a man and hide it.  All it takes is a look from me or a touch on his shoulder when he is upset and he will cry silently. We know when is something is really bothering him when is cries silently.

Lilly, oh how blessed am I to have daughter like my Lil.  It is often commented but people in my life that she is a splitting image of me when I was young.  We recently caught up with my child hood friend that knew me since I was 8 and he said Lilly was me.  She is not a Daddy’s girl at all, she is all mine and such a beautiful soul.  She is caring, loving, outgoing and so self assured that it blows my mind.  She knows what she wants and will tell you in her softly spoken voice “Mummy do my hair again, I am still not pretty yet”.

I am truly blessed to have these little people in my life.

Dear universe thankyou for the beautiful gifts of my children and for teaching me the harshness of infertility.

I can’t continue along this path

This is not who I am!!!!

This person that I is in a constant rage!

I hate the person I have become, this is not me. I was hurt so deeply, I just can’t seem to move on.

I learnt from a dear friend of mine that you need to air your differences as they happen otherwise things can fester. I believe that this is what has happened to me.

Emails, texts, facebook messages and instant message do not work and will not work. Face to face discussion is the only way.

I am a deeply caring person.

I am the type of friend that gives willingly of themselves.

I always ensure that people around me are comfortable and at ease.

You can always count on me, a shoulder to cry an open mind and an open heart.

For all the above to be rejected fathoms my mind. I don’t know what more I could have done and could do now and in the future.

I can’t go on like this!

I won’t go on like this!

All that I believe that was good about me, could I really been that wrong?

I doubt everything about myself now.

I wish I could just go back to sleep and never have gotten to know the true Mari and accept her for who she is.

Just letting all out

I am just going to let it all out.  I need to let it all out. I am going crazy.  I can’t handle waking up again at a God forsaken hour to not be able to fall back asleep.

This post may not make sense as I am just typing for typing sake to just get everything out.

I loved the person that I because after my work trip to India, I was becoming self assured.  I believed that I was worthy of all, happiness, love and friendship.  I was positive all the time; I thought a lot but not destructively.  Little things rarely fazed me; things were finally falling into place.

I have to wonder if somehow I became cursed because this year has just been so tough, extremely tough, arguments nearly every day.  Doubts, depression, anger and deep seeded rage.  All feelings and thoughts that I thought I had gotten rid of.

In my previous post I attempted to shut the door on my true self.  I wish it were that easy but as I read recently once that door opens and you begin to shine and believe that you are worthy it is too hard to close. 

My awesome Kinesiologist told me that the past months have been this difficult simply because I now believe, kind of like I am now awake.  Once you have awaked your psyche it is too hard to ignore and make fall asleep again.

But it is just so hard, I am fighting for something that I don’t really know what for, the kinesiologist believes that I am fighting for what is rightfully mine.  As I know my worth, I know how I should be treated.  I am seeking acceptance of my true.

Right this moment in time I feel so lonely, outside my home, there is no one that I feel really cares about me.  Every day I walk through life trying to be the person I am and whilst I am relaxed and comfortable in my skin.  I don’t share anything anymore with anyone.  Sure I talk about little things here and there but nothing like I was 6-8 months ago.  I was sharing everything and anything as it happened, my zest for life knew no bounds. 

Now I feel that I am just a shell going through life, my personal life, my feelings, my thoughts, my dreams, my fears, my worries, my joy, my hopes and my loves are not being shared anymore.  It feels as though it is no longer important to anyone.  

I have recently tried to share but the person I tempt to share with is not the right person.  I am transported back to high school where I distinctly remember wanting to share, desperate to share and when I attempted to share it was shrugged off and ignored.

What do I want?

Now there is the rub as I know the answer to that question and is very simple in my mind.  I want to turn the clock back to the glorious time when I was accepted, loved and nurtured like a cherished friend.

Time travel is impossible.

So what do I want instead of the above?  

I want the pain to stop, I want to struggles to stop.

I want acceptance

I want to be loved

I want to be nurtured

I want my friendship to be cherished.

I know that I will never get that from the people in my life today. So I have to rely on myself.

Whilst I tried to close the door in my previous post and it didn’t work. I can’t trust anyone in my life (again outside my family) from hurting me again.  I can’t allow myself to be vulnerable again; I know that I can’t take that pain again.

Those words “I no longer want to be your best friend, “best friends” have no meaning to me”.  Just like when I was 18 and I was told “I don’t think we should see each other anymore”.  When I asked “Don’t you love me anymore?” I was met with silence. These two times 18 years apart will forever stay with me.

It took me 15 years to get over the first complete rejection.  This time whilst I was not romantically involved with the person the rejection feels completely the same.

I refuse to take 15 years to get over my feelings this time.

My wall is coming back up….slowly

The brick wall protecting my true self was in place for such a long time.  I didn’t realise that there were cracks in the mortar. There are significant times in my past where I let people past the wall but I never really let them see me for who I really am because behind the brick wall there is a door that only I control.

Recently I found that someone had slipped through the cracks and then slipped under the door and was seeing me for who I really am.  I allowed my true spirit to shine through blinding the world with brightness.

What a joy that not only I was able to shine but at the same time I was encouraged and accepted.  I was cherished, myself worth just sky rocketed. Finally I had found a friend that accepted me fully for the person I really am.

One of the happiest times in my life, I believe that I grew so much as a person.  Someone accepted me, cherished me, helped me believe that I was worthy of all.

To have that same person turn their back on my friendship is crushing.  The last time I was hurt this badly I was 18 and it took someone to tell me over the phone that they no longer wanted me in their life.  Devastation is a word that just not enough justice to what I felt and still feel.

I have picked up the pieces of my heart and soul.

I have turned my back and walking away.  I walk past the wall and when I behind it I take the time to fix the mortar. I then apply and thick layer of concrete over the wall.  I walk past the door and then fix the slit underneath the frame.  I keep going and I then added another door, this time it is steel and when it closes it is air tight.

My true self is hidden now and it is in a dark space, over the past 2-3 weeks in the dark the brightness has diminished.  My true self is safe now.  I will never let anyone see me again, I will never be able to trust anyone ever again.

I don’t know why I even started this journey, because all I have learnt is that my trueself is simply just not good enough.