No Tact

We had a lunch to celebrate my FIL’s Birthday and after we had finished eating we were just sitting there chatting when my SIL announces that she has news and that she is 9 weeks pregnant.

At that precise moment I felt this hand creep along my leg to grip my hand. I made all the right noises, and smiles whilst this hand was held mine in a kind of death grip. I asked all the right questions, pretended that I was ecstatic with hearing the news.

But really I felt sick, I wanted to throw up the meal that I had just consumed, the afternoon got worse from that point on. We didn’t stay much longer as the things that were coming out of her mouth were tactless and hurtful.

On the way home Ellie was asking Mimi if his sister even wanted the baby, she was saying things like:
“Oh you won’t believe how expensive it is”
“I hate it how my body is changing”
“Yes…It’s all about the baby now” (whilst rolling her eyes)

I really didn’t have time to think and absorb the impact of her news as we also had dinner plans with my Sister taking the girls home. For a 15 year old Ellie was very kind held my hand on the way home and to her house, made me laugh and generally not allow me to think about SIL.

But reality hit me this morning on the way to work and I can’t help feel but as the question WHY?. Why does my heart hurt like I’ve been shot in the chest…I can’t breath and I feel sick.

Many little things

Sleep

I’m finding it hard to fall asleep lately, I’m not sure really what it is, but my meditation methods have been eluding me of late. After tossing and turning I sometimes end up in the other bedroom, where as soon as my head hits the pillow I’m ok. I’m suffering from mind chatter and have always, been like that but I can usually control it, sometimes reading, knitting and cross stitching have helped but not lately.

Work

I’ve hinted to my Project Manager that I may need to go back to Full time. I hated having to say that as I’ve really become to love my Friday’s off. I can’t help the thought coming into my mind that one of the main reasons why Mimi and I are in this ‘spanner’ phase is because I’m getting a big kick up the bum because I’ve not really concentrated on what I should’ve been and that it loosing weight.

Weekend

I get to play Mum again starting tonight, as Ellie and Tina are coming over for the weekend. I love it when they are here even though they are not babies but teenagers, I love spending time with them. I seem to take more of an adult role when they are here, it is hard to explain but I change, I definitely become more a mother.

Some would feel that having them over would make it harder as it just shows what you are missing out on. But not for me, I’m more determined than ever when they leave.

The best place on earth (well one of them)

First time adding a photo of the place I would love to be.

A spanner

One of my favourite all time sayings is “A spanner in the works”, I don’t know where it originated but I use it all the time even at work. I guess that it means that when you think life, or a project is going smoothly a spanner gets thrown in, sometimes just to see how the project / people handle the situation and overcome the obstacles. Other times I think that life is just testing your strength, possibly character building?

This post has been named spanner as Mimi and I have been thrown a pretty huge spanner into our machine known as life. Last Friday, Mimi was told that the company was bought out by another company looking to acquire the Melbourne office. We weren’t that nervous as we figured that Mimi being the only one looking after the warehouse he would be set.

Monday they were told to write a letter detailing their jobs and duties. So being a good wife who knows how to sell on paper (as I do it almost everyday). I wrote Mimi’s letter with the confidence that the ‘new’ people would be blown away. Tuesday Mimi comes home to tell me that he didn’t get a position. Consequently that night we were going to an information session at a Computer institute as Mimi was thinking about a career change.

Wednesday Mimi gets told that he will be receiving a package including the full entitlements for the duration of his time at the company. The sum of money is irrelevant but we were a bit gobsmacked.

I feel as though I’ve lost control of my life and am starting to question just about everything, priorities, work, life, future, money and Mimi’s career. He has decided to go and do a Diploma at the Computer institute, which we really can’t afford to do on the one wage, especially as I’m on part time rates.

Luckily Mimi can go and work casually however it relies on the company calling Mimi and is unreliable. Times are changing with the uncertainty, I’m going to have to go back to full time working hours, which I knew that I would have to, but I always had this vision that it would be when I was pregnant or really ready.

I’m worried really worried, about the bills, mortgage and now the school fees, in the long term it will be worth while and it will mean a better job, more money in our pockets and the opportunity for me to stay home when bobim arrives. ATM I would have to go back to work as I earn the most. What I’m really worried about is that in August I will be seeing Dr New and I’m looking to start treatment ASAP, I’m terrified that we will not be able to afford an OI cycle.

Bobim is still our highest priority and I can’t help feel that she/he has been put on hold by this spanner in the works.

A dream or reality?

I wake, it is still dark, I’m sitting in a cramped spot, I’m covered with my duna and I have my favourite pillow in front of my face. Then it starts, my heart beats really hard….thump…thump..it is getting faster, my chest is feeling tighter. My heart, there is so much pain in my heart. I can’t breath, oh god does it hurt.

A cramp seizes me, and I feel a gush between my legs. I double over in pain. Another cramp more pain. I start to whimper. Then a hand reaches out to me, I cringe I don’t want anything to touch me. It would hurt to much. Something wet drops onto my knee (which is drawn to my chest). I touch my check it is wet. I am crying.

The hand reaches for me again, I can’t get away, I’m backed up against the wall. Another cramp, I double over in pain. Then blackness seeps into my vision. I pass out, but really I wish I was dead.

I wake, I feel empty a shell that is not worthy, I’m ashamed and embarrassed, I’m not a fit mother, I can’t hold onto the thing that is precious to me. Questions. So many questions all starting with Why?.

Just one of those days

It has been one of those days where you just want to stay at home and in bed, just reading, watching DVD’s, Dr Phil and Oprah. Where you don’t have to talk to the world, where you can just hide in your safe home without being interrupted. Where you don’t have to think, feel and talk. The hum of the TV, the story unfolding before your eyes with the movie you are watching or the imaginary world that occurs when you are reading a great book is all the company that you need.

I feel as though I’m at the bottom of a well it is all dark and cold, yet inviting down here, when I look up I can see a tiny ray of light the size of a five cent coin. The light represents a real world, the world that I want to hide from. It is a world where I am still not a physical mother, yet I am a Mum to 3 babies that have left me. This world is not a nice place as it is forever mocking me, throwing pregnant women in my path, ladies with gorgeous new born children, people conceiving so easily. This world is a place that I want to hide from. “Just leave me down”.

I feel something hit my head, I can’t see anything as it is dark, but I feel that it is a piece of wood with rope attached at each end. I feel up the rope and it seems to be a ladder. I shudder, I don’t want to go up that ladder…”it will only cause me more pain” I scream loudly.

Yet I hear this noise, the incessant beeping that will not leaving me alone. It is driving me crazy, I scream in frustration. Yet strangely I recognise the beeping it is my mobile telling me that I’ve received a SMS. I reach over and read the message…it is a cry for help from Ellie, she needs help with a small issue. I reply that I will help and receive another message this time telling me how much she loves and needs me and how she can’t wait to see me on Thursday.

I wake up and the world does not look that bad with the love of children like Ellie and Tina who are not my own, but whom I love as though they are mine. The world seems like a brighter place. Ellie always seems to know when I need her the most.

More thoughts

This whole thing with Zs is still bothering me, I had hoped that writing the letter in my previous post that it would help me get past what happened and move on. But for some reason I can’t. I’m actually really angry at myself, furious even; Once again I’ve opened my heart and my life fully to this person who has stomped all over me.

Why do I allow this to happen? Am I destined to be one of those people that never really open up to friends? Or the kind that hides their feelings and never shows their real self? Or is it simply that I always seem to choose the wrong friends to love and cherish?

I think that it is the last point, I actually think that I expect too much of friends, I’m happy to give, give and keep on giving but I never receive in turn, but I’ve been happy with that. This makes me think that I should harden my heart and not give anymore, but then it would not be me. Or the other option is to build a fucken bridge and get over the bitch, why do I crave a friendship with someone that hurts me?

Oh Fuck it…I’ve just got to stop, in the scheme of things there are other more important issue to think about. Stop fucken stressing over the cow for Gods sake.