A possible cure?

I have been thinking about my previous post which is not what normally happens to me, usually once I write all my feelings down it is out of my head. This is my avenue to work out all my thoughts feelings so I was surprised that my previous post was still jumbling around.

I was thinking about how my issues with “best friends” and how it may date back to when I was 6 years old.

“All I want is to feel as though I am cherished and treasured friend”. 

With that thought the image of myself as a 6 year old being held, loved and cherished, came into my mind.

“That is what I need to help me, a friend that loves me for who I am to hold me like I am cherished and treasured, to help heal me.  I need help to be healed”.

My awesome kinesiologist suggested that I do a Lomi Lomi massage. Which I never heard of and didn’t give it much thought until now.  Lomi Lomi massage is meant to help move deep emotional issues. I will ponder this and see if I should do something like that to help heal my inner child.

*sigh* i need a hug!

An "Ah-ha" moment

I am inspired by many sources and places. Simply driving down a country road will inspire me to stop and just absorb the beauty that nature provided.

If you have read some of my previous posts you will know that Oprah is also an inspiration to me and she often referred to certain distinct moments as “Ah-ha”.

I had one at 4:30am this morning.  I woke due nature calling and as I attempted to go back to sleep the usual thoughts started “Why am I not worthy enough?”, “What did I do that was so wrong?”, “What do I need to do differently in future?”, “Maybe Nick is right, I am too overwhelming”, “I am not even worthy of being in the same room with them”.

These questions and other uber bad thoughts rolling around in my head, along with the thoughts my mind then tries to remember moments of time where I went wrong.  I am desperately seeking the problem in order to fix what I did wrong.

As my mind is racing away, like a flickering page book.  One scene that was completely unexpected popped into my head. 

There is little Mari, she is a 6 years for age, skinny little thing all legs and arms. She has just been hurt for the first time by girls she thought were her best friends.  She is crying and scared and questioning everything about herself (recognise this??).

An older version of Mari enters and says “Here is a layer to help protect yourself for the hurt of other people”. 

There was always an emotional reason for my excess weight.  I found it so hard to pinpoint, my body does not produce the right hormones which I have well documented.  No amount of dieting and fitness will help me to lose weight until I work out the emotional reason for my obesity. 

At 4:30am this morning I finally realised that the reason why I am so obese was because I was and still am trying to protect myself from friends that hurt me in the past.

This realisation was my “Ah-ha” moment, because as soon as I had this thought it felt as though things clicked into place.

18 years ago when my first love told me to leave his life, I was hurt and depressed.  At that time I doubted myself and tried to figure out what I did that was wrong. The feelings I felt at the time were always sadness, hurt and disbelief.

This time when I was told that my “best friend” status is no longer valued and never really had any meaning.  I am angry, furious and in a constant rage.  Why? Well the difference between now and then, is that I know my worth!

I have to wonder if the main reason these past 7-8 months have been so hard is because the universe is trying to get me to realise that I am fat because I am trying to protect the 6 year old Mari that was hurt deeply.

I will ponder this the next time I see my kinesiologist, but somehow this resonates with me to my core.

A little distraction

I am tired for the doom and gloom posts recently. I am simply exhausted and need a break from all the pain in my heart. I spend so much time trying to figure out what I did that was so wrong to have caused this pain and I am simply getting nowhere!

It has been such a long time since I have posted anything about the kids that I thought I would celebrate them.

For those that have read this blog since I started can you believe that my gorgeous boy Jordy will be 6 years old in 4 days?

The road of fertility was long and hard and I remember every step I took, I am still sometimes amazed that I survived with my sanity intact!

Jordy is now in Primary school and I can’t be any prouder of my big boy.  I see so much of myself in my son, he is kind hearted and thoughtful. I would not be able to leave the house in the mornings without his support. I also see that he suffers from low self-esteem and is a sensitive boy.  This is just like me and I wish I had a magic wand that would waive the pain away from his big beautiful heart!

Rylie is our cheeky monkey and the clown of the family.  He is makes us laugh so, he reminds me so much of my younger brother.  Rylie rarely shows me affection he will cuddle into me but opening showing that he cares is something my “brown eyed baba” is not comfortable with.  He hides his true self with is silliness, he is extremely sensitive but tries to be a man and hide it.  All it takes is a look from me or a touch on his shoulder when he is upset and he will cry silently. We know when is something is really bothering him when is cries silently.

Lilly, oh how blessed am I to have daughter like my Lil.  It is often commented but people in my life that she is a splitting image of me when I was young.  We recently caught up with my child hood friend that knew me since I was 8 and he said Lilly was me.  She is not a Daddy’s girl at all, she is all mine and such a beautiful soul.  She is caring, loving, outgoing and so self assured that it blows my mind.  She knows what she wants and will tell you in her softly spoken voice “Mummy do my hair again, I am still not pretty yet”.

I am truly blessed to have these little people in my life.

Dear universe thankyou for the beautiful gifts of my children and for teaching me the harshness of infertility.

I can’t continue along this path

This is not who I am!!!!

This person that I is in a constant rage!

I hate the person I have become, this is not me. I was hurt so deeply, I just can’t seem to move on.

I learnt from a dear friend of mine that you need to air your differences as they happen otherwise things can fester. I believe that this is what has happened to me.

Emails, texts, facebook messages and instant message do not work and will not work. Face to face discussion is the only way.

I am a deeply caring person.

I am the type of friend that gives willingly of themselves.

I always ensure that people around me are comfortable and at ease.

You can always count on me, a shoulder to cry an open mind and an open heart.

For all the above to be rejected fathoms my mind. I don’t know what more I could have done and could do now and in the future.

I can’t go on like this!

I won’t go on like this!

All that I believe that was good about me, could I really been that wrong?

I doubt everything about myself now.

I wish I could just go back to sleep and never have gotten to know the true Mari and accept her for who she is.

Just letting all out

I am just going to let it all out.  I need to let it all out. I am going crazy.  I can’t handle waking up again at a God forsaken hour to not be able to fall back asleep.

This post may not make sense as I am just typing for typing sake to just get everything out.

I loved the person that I because after my work trip to India, I was becoming self assured.  I believed that I was worthy of all, happiness, love and friendship.  I was positive all the time; I thought a lot but not destructively.  Little things rarely fazed me; things were finally falling into place.

I have to wonder if somehow I became cursed because this year has just been so tough, extremely tough, arguments nearly every day.  Doubts, depression, anger and deep seeded rage.  All feelings and thoughts that I thought I had gotten rid of.

In my previous post I attempted to shut the door on my true self.  I wish it were that easy but as I read recently once that door opens and you begin to shine and believe that you are worthy it is too hard to close. 

My awesome Kinesiologist told me that the past months have been this difficult simply because I now believe, kind of like I am now awake.  Once you have awaked your psyche it is too hard to ignore and make fall asleep again.

But it is just so hard, I am fighting for something that I don’t really know what for, the kinesiologist believes that I am fighting for what is rightfully mine.  As I know my worth, I know how I should be treated.  I am seeking acceptance of my true.

Right this moment in time I feel so lonely, outside my home, there is no one that I feel really cares about me.  Every day I walk through life trying to be the person I am and whilst I am relaxed and comfortable in my skin.  I don’t share anything anymore with anyone.  Sure I talk about little things here and there but nothing like I was 6-8 months ago.  I was sharing everything and anything as it happened, my zest for life knew no bounds. 

Now I feel that I am just a shell going through life, my personal life, my feelings, my thoughts, my dreams, my fears, my worries, my joy, my hopes and my loves are not being shared anymore.  It feels as though it is no longer important to anyone.  

I have recently tried to share but the person I tempt to share with is not the right person.  I am transported back to high school where I distinctly remember wanting to share, desperate to share and when I attempted to share it was shrugged off and ignored.

What do I want?

Now there is the rub as I know the answer to that question and is very simple in my mind.  I want to turn the clock back to the glorious time when I was accepted, loved and nurtured like a cherished friend.

Time travel is impossible.

So what do I want instead of the above?  

I want the pain to stop, I want to struggles to stop.

I want acceptance

I want to be loved

I want to be nurtured

I want my friendship to be cherished.

I know that I will never get that from the people in my life today. So I have to rely on myself.

Whilst I tried to close the door in my previous post and it didn’t work. I can’t trust anyone in my life (again outside my family) from hurting me again.  I can’t allow myself to be vulnerable again; I know that I can’t take that pain again.

Those words “I no longer want to be your best friend, “best friends” have no meaning to me”.  Just like when I was 18 and I was told “I don’t think we should see each other anymore”.  When I asked “Don’t you love me anymore?” I was met with silence. These two times 18 years apart will forever stay with me.

It took me 15 years to get over the first complete rejection.  This time whilst I was not romantically involved with the person the rejection feels completely the same.

I refuse to take 15 years to get over my feelings this time.

My wall is coming back up….slowly

The brick wall protecting my true self was in place for such a long time.  I didn’t realise that there were cracks in the mortar. There are significant times in my past where I let people past the wall but I never really let them see me for who I really am because behind the brick wall there is a door that only I control.

Recently I found that someone had slipped through the cracks and then slipped under the door and was seeing me for who I really am.  I allowed my true spirit to shine through blinding the world with brightness.

What a joy that not only I was able to shine but at the same time I was encouraged and accepted.  I was cherished, myself worth just sky rocketed. Finally I had found a friend that accepted me fully for the person I really am.

One of the happiest times in my life, I believe that I grew so much as a person.  Someone accepted me, cherished me, helped me believe that I was worthy of all.

To have that same person turn their back on my friendship is crushing.  The last time I was hurt this badly I was 18 and it took someone to tell me over the phone that they no longer wanted me in their life.  Devastation is a word that just not enough justice to what I felt and still feel.

I have picked up the pieces of my heart and soul.

I have turned my back and walking away.  I walk past the wall and when I behind it I take the time to fix the mortar. I then apply and thick layer of concrete over the wall.  I walk past the door and then fix the slit underneath the frame.  I keep going and I then added another door, this time it is steel and when it closes it is air tight.

My true self is hidden now and it is in a dark space, over the past 2-3 weeks in the dark the brightness has diminished.  My true self is safe now.  I will never let anyone see me again, I will never be able to trust anyone ever again.

I don’t know why I even started this journey, because all I have learnt is that my trueself is simply just not good enough.

Work to live or Live to work?

I have been thinking about this question the whole time I was on Annual Leave.  Do I work to live or live to work?

I asked my husband the same question and he said that he “lives to work”. I am the work-a-holic huh!

I have had a number of different jobs in my working life:

. Laboratory Technologist

. Factory worker

. Office cleaner

. Sales persons

. Mobile Phone sales

. Systems tester

. Business Analyst

. Project Manager

. Lead Business Analyst

. Senior Business Analyst

. Consultant

When I first joined National Mutual as a Systems Tester, I was a contractor and it took me only 14 days to find this job.  I was grateful to have been given this opportunity.  I quickly became interested in learning from the Business Analysts working there. 

Within 3 months I was made permanent and not long after that I was also quickly given a promotion. At the time I remember working normal Office hours, 9 to 5.  What I did not realise at the time was that I was made permanent and given a promotion simply based on my work ethic and not because of the amount of hours I pumped into the company.

As soon as I was given more responsibility I felt as though I needed to step up my dedication and ensure that I did not let anyone down. So I simply started working 10, 12 then 14 hour days for free, meaning I didn’t even get paid overtime.  I would’ve been 23-24 years old and started work at like 7:30am then would easily work to 8:30pm.

I nearly lost my husband at the time, but you see I didn’t even notice what I was doing.  I was so consumed with “making sure I did a good job” and “ensuring I didn’t let anyone down”  that I did not really notice that I was losing my husband. Very selfish right? I honestly didn’t even notice what I was doing because I just so consumed.

It took a lot of fighting and screaming from my husband before “I woke up” so to speak.  Things did get better, I got better!  I ensured that the 8 hours I spent at work was more productive.  If you work in IT and you work on projects there will always be “crunch” time. On well planned projects it usually is around the end of testing towards Implementation, it is just the way it is.

The last Client I was working for the project was poorly planned and the crunch time was always on.  So I was working stupid crazy hours, not every day but very regularly.  I also started working on the weekends.  Rylie and Lilly was 9 months old when I started working at IQ and this last client.

I had been made redundant from National Mutual / AXA as a result of the GFC, so again I was simply grateful to have been offered a job at IQ.  The Easter long weekend I worked over 24 hours straight, my first mothers day with my twins I spent sleeping as I had worked 22 hours straight. Every long weekend for nearly I year was spent Testing systems implementation mainly at ungodly hours.

Now at this Client I again have started the same patterns again not as bad but still bad enough. Is the client to blame or me? Honestly I believe both.  The Project is very poorly planned actually I have not seen a plan yet.  Me yes I am completely to blame, yet again when given additional responsibility I felt as though I needed “Prove” myself not only to this Client but also to my Employer.

Recognising this pattern is a very big step for me.  I just need to continue to communicate with my husband and continue to write and question the need to work such long hours. Overtime and additional hours and pay is sometimes great but not at the cost of my health and family.

Yesterday I “Lived to work” but today I choose to “work so that I can live”.