Are you gonna listen to your own advice?

I was bickering with my husband this afternoon because he had been in a feral mood for the past three to four days. I kept on asking him what was wrong because anything that the kids or I did would end up with him yelling.

Oh how I hate yelling and I hate seeing the expressions on the kids’ faces also when either I or my husband scolds, yells or raises our voice in anger.  The whole mood of the house felt black and gloomy.  I could feel that it was affecting me also.

I kept on pushing my husband to ask him what was wrong and finally he admitted that it was because I had been working late during the past 2 weeks. Work had been crazy and I had been helping out another team.  But I snapped and started yelling at him:

“Why are you thinking about this now?”

“It is in the past, just get over it”

“There is no reason for you to be holding onto this”

I understand his feelings, he was feeling frustrated because he was missing me. He was feeling abandoned because I had been spending a lot of time at work. He was feeling angry that I was bottling things up about work and not talking to him.

As I was yelling those words, at the exactly the same time I was thinking “Mari are you going to listen to your own advice?”

“Mari, why do you keep thinking about the same thing over and over again?”

“It is now in the past, just get over it”

“There is no reason for you to be holding onto these emotions”.

Do not be afraid

During my last kinesiology appointment I was a complete mess. I had faced my sacral room and had opened the door. The shame was overwhelming. In my real life I was in constant flux of arguments, constant pain and yes Ambar in constant doubt all stemmed from my relationships with others. I was complaining about how tired I was, tired of the doubts, tired of the arguments. Exhausted from all this crap I had been carrying around. Her words were clear and they cut through the bullshit.


"You are magnificent"


I was asked what am I afraid of, I burst into tears and she cried with me. As my journey reminded her of her own. To put it simply I was / am afraid of self-acceptance, of my true self.


"You are the only one holding yourself back"


That was 3 weeks ago and the very next day I was determined to face the atrocity of my sacral room on my own.This time when I entered I ignored the emotions being directed towards me. I approached the first person to my right. It was someone who I was in constant arguments with, the very same person in my heart husband.


"I am no longer afraid to let you go. I thank you for what you have brought to my life".


As I was saying this looking into their eyes I reached out to the iron hand and the grip slowly loosened. I noticed that the iron hand had left a bruise. Reaching from my heart I placed my hand just above the bruise.


"Let me heal you from a place of love".


Once complete I said


"You are now free to leave, my fear will no longer hold you".


I was drained but at the same time I started to feel so much lighter. Over the next days and weeks I continued to remove and heal the iron grips holding onto my family and friends. Ambar, Mayank, Timmy, Marian, Nelly, Barney (took me 4 tries to let him go), Atilia, Richard, Melissa, Gyongyi, Leanne, Jodie, Ljuba, Damian, Dirmaid, Benny (oh he was a tough one), Zsolt, Dora, Zsuzsi, Istvan, Agi, Gabor. Thousands of people.


I was lounging on an outdoor chair on the balcony, just staring, not thinking just staring. I became aware that someone was trying to get my attention.


"Mari, Mari! You have to come and see this!"


I lifted my tired eyes and before I could respond, they grabbed my hand and started yanking me out of the chair.


"Please, I don't have anything left in me, just so tired. I have nothing left".


"Mari, you don't have to do anything, just have to see this. Come, I will carry you."


I was picked up and carried to the place where the dark room used to stand. There was no evidence that there was even a room there previously. Instead there was a beautiful glade, a circle of maple trees formed the perimeter underneath the trees were beautiful flowers and to my right there was a stream that you could hear the water tinkling over the rocks.


The natural beauty was not what took my breath away it was the scene. All the people in my life that I had just release my iron grip hold were all there. This time when I looked into their eyes I saw love, acceptance and happiness. My throat closed up over the emotions I was feeling, fight back the tears and trying to not lose control.


A sob escaped me and that was when the flood gates opened and tears came streaming down my face. I was embraced but my husband person.


"Look behind you Mari, look at this miracle."


I turned to see all my past selves leave the tall white tower and make their way past me. Each and every one touched me as they passed. Some of my childhood versions were too excited and whilst dashing past briefly touched my dress, hand, arm. They were eager to meet up with their friends.


My heart person took my hand and tried to tugged me forward to greet people. But I stood my ground and shook my head.





After I had released them all I stood in the centre of this dark room and watched as the wall came crumbling down. I was left standing in the middle of all the dust, dirt and rubble. Slowly nature started to take over and absorb the rubble. I was so emotionally, mentally and physically that I started to shake and sway. Before I could collapse I was transported to the field and straight into the beam of light. After sometime I picked myself up and went to my heart apartment seeking peace and solace.






My husband stood in front of me. "Mari, there was never a need for you to hold on so tight, all who have been blessed to know you love you instantly. We are all honored to have had you in our lives. Some of us are fortunate to still have you. There was never a time where you were alone, abandoned. We were always here for you, we always will be."






"Mari, do not be afraid. I love you, I will never leave you. I am your heart person and you are mine. Through you I have learnt to love again."






Initially I thought that the glade was small, but it was large and could accommodate all. It was as though I was witnessing a large family reunion. Kids running around adult legs, laughing and playing. Teenagers lounging around on the grass smoking.

Connections

After one of my kinesiology appointments, it was recommended to me to try to connect to my heart chakra. This was all new to me as I have "the room in my mind" where in the past I have gone to meditate and heal myself. Outside of this room there is a beautiful green field where there is this beam of pure light that I enter to speak to the universe /God. I never realised that the room represented my third eye and the field and light beam represented my crown chakra

So I went exploring and found that I could easily connect to my throat chakra, this place took a form of an outside auditorium. Where the stone steps or seat rose above a stage, how appropriate? I could walk out onto that stage and either speak, sing and dance. 

To find and connect to my heart chakra I had to travel down some stairs where a white door appeared. When I opened the door I was shocked at what I found there! This was not a simple room but a series of rooms that took shape of a beach front luxury apartment, complete with a balcony overlooking the ocean built onto a cliff face. There was a small path leading back up to my room and the field as they were all connected.

My heart apartment was constantly bathed in the light of a beautiful sunrise; pink, red, yellow and orange colours illuminated the pristine white walls. The furniture was also white The feeling I received when entering this place was one of love and peace. Who I found in that room was also a surprise. When I was first able to connect and enter this room, I was engulfed in a tight warm loving embrace.

"Mari, you finally came; I have been waiting for lifetimes for you to arrive!" "You finally arrived, I am so happy", my heart husband was there.

I have had many conversations with this person and spent a lot of time in my heart apartment Next time I saw my kinesiologist I complained that I was not able to connect with my lower three chakras, solar plexus, sacral and the base. At this time she was able to align my spirit within my body, I was so far away from myself that I couldn't connect. Ever since then I feel everything in my gut, at times the discomfort is uncomfortable.

Slowly I was able to connect and see my solar plexus, this took shape of s cylinder tower when I walked in I looked up and turning around I was faced with a stair case leading around the perimeter and infinite number of levels. On each level every 4 meters there was a white door. The roof was a beautiful dome where the stained glass window changed. I was curious as to what I would find behind one of these doors as this chakra represented my relationship with me.

The first door came appeared in front of me (like monster Inc) and when I touched the knob the door disappeared and standing in front of me was myself at the age of six. Frightened, hurt and distressed. The compassion and love poured out of my heart and as I went to embrace my child self I felt her returning into myself and I felt healed I decided to see which Version of me was behind the last white door. I was myself from just the day before.

That was when I noticed different coloured doors. When I attempted to will one down a figure started walking down the stairs towards me. She was so bright that it was difficult to look at, as she came closer my eyes got used to the bright light. I was seeing a future version of myself. Healed, complete and balanced what struck me the most was that she was at peace.

"Mari, welcome home! You are not able to access these other doors yet as first together we need to heal this life".

I was curious as to what the different colours represented my future self knew my mind and answered for me. 

"Some doors are of your past self and some are of your future".

I have spent some time here learning about myself and becoming my own best friend.

I was determined to see my next "room" the hardest one of all. To get ready I spent time in each chakra. When I left my crown a figure my guide followed me without saying a word. When I left my heart the person there took my hand and when I left my solar plexus my future self-followed.

In front of me was a beautiful carved wooden door. I hesitated when reaching for the knob that was when the people who followed me, held my hand gave me the strength to continue The room was dark, small and was crowded. I could hardly see and I didn't want to step across the threshold. I stood there for a moment knowing exactly what I would find and part of didn't want to face them, the people in that room.

This chakra represented the relationships with other people. The first step over the threshold was the hardest to take. But I found the second and subsequent steps easier. My fears were all held in this room. All the people from my past and present were here. The darkness was overwhelming but the people with me did not flinch from the scene displayed in front of us.

The room was square and small but large enough to hold them all. I couldn't meet their eyes and the accusations hostility directed towards me.

Coming out of every space of these four walls was black iron hands that gripped all in there. They were stuck, my fear held them there. When I saw what I had done I fled and left the room, the task in front of me was just too hard to face. The emotions from the prisoners in this room followed me. Anger, frustration, disbelief, sadness and desperation were coming through loud and clear.

So I fled, like a coward I ran away. I sought solace in my heart apartment. Sobbing from shame my thoughts totally consumed with those that I had locked away and had an iron grip holding onto them.

I didn't hear or notice that some had entered my heart apartment until I felt their arms around me. Then another pair of arms engulfed me. Someone was wiping my face clear of my tears. When I opened my eyes my heart person was there with me clearly loving me for who I was. They also had tears running down their face. They must have sensed my confusion.

"Your pain is my pain".

My attention was drawn to the person to my right, my future self-holding me forgiving me.

In my next post I will elaborate on how I attempted to heal this room. I am still working every moment of every day to overcome my fear.

One day, is it today?

One day in the near future I will believe

One day in the near future I will accept
One day in the near future I will be healed
One day in the near future I will be whole

I am enough in my family life

I am enough in my professional life
I am enough in my personal life
I am enough in the friendships in my life

I am enough in all aspects of my life.

 

What I love about myself:

I love my heart
I love my soul
I love my smile
I love my mind
I love my hair
I love my compassion
I love my nature
I love my body
I love my eyes
I love my hands
I love my love

 

What is magnificent about me:

I am an awesome employee
I am magnificent at my job
I am a magnificent mother
I am a magnificent friend to have
I am a magnificent person

 

What do I possess:

I have a caring heart
I am empathetic
I am compassionate
I am passionate
I am caring
I share my all
I am a brilliant thinker
I have a great intuition
I am sympathetic
I have a great moral fibre
I am honest
I am trust worthy

 

What I will no longer accept about myself

I will no longer have any doubts
I will no longer allow myself self-esteem to get low
I will no longer question my worthiness

 

I am Mari, I am magnificent, I am no longer afraid. Dear universe this is the true me I am standing in front of you an obese child in a woman’s body. I am me, I am Mari and I love all about myself.

What I have come to realise

I started this year with the goals set and a clear vision of what I wanted to achieve.  I started this year on a high with the assumption that I would achieve all I set out by simply chugging along the same path.  How wrong was I!

I know I can lose weight when my hormones are in balance, because both times I was pregnant I lost weight.

I know that my hormones are out of balance because I don’t have a regular period.

I know I have polycystic ovary syndrome, this was diagnosed closed to 10 years ago.

About 12-15 years ago I was diagnosed with Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS).

I have also been diagnosed with a low metabolic rate.

Analysing all my symptoms medically I have issues with my ovaries, intestines and bowel.

If you were to look at my symptoms holistically they are all centred on my Sacral Chakra

Emotionally I have difficulties with friendships because I get too clingy and I am scared to lose the friends so I hold on tight.

What I have learnt recently and which has been confirmed by my kinesiologist is that my Sacral Chakra has been out of balance for so long that the effort to bring it back in line will be tough.

Not good

Since August things have not been too good for me.

I want to write and blog, I need to get this shit out of me. The problem is that I don’t know where to start.

At this moment in time, I feel as though I have lost all my close friends. The entire fault rests purely on me.

Why?

 
I am such a damaged soul that I can’t even handle a normal friendship!

My taxi driver Nick

Again it has been sometime. But the beauty about this blog that it is
always here when I need it.
I didn’t realise that I needed it until the other day when on the train
I decided to look back at my most darkest posts and read what was going through
my mind at that time.

There are a number of really dark, ugly and wrong posts and the funniest
thing was that the same theme was happening over and over again. I was and still am constantly repeating the
same circle again, it is like the never ending bitch and moan session for Mari.

I’ve had a number of “ah-ha” moments recently (yes I love Oprah) and I know
that I’m finally ready to stop this unhealthy cycle. I heard somewhere that
your life goes through some changes every 7 years. My Kinesiologist agreed
saying that it has been documented that humans go through major, physical,
emotional and mental changes. So being my 35th year, this is perfect
timing for some changes…finally!!!

So where does my Taxi driver Nick come into this? I will get to that…

I strongly believe that you meet people in your life at certain points
in your life to help and teach you things.
To help you grow into the best person you can be. I can’t actually
remember when I made that the decision but I decided to remove myself out of
the negative influence that was occurring in my life. After that decision was
made, even subconsciously people started coming into my life that I really
needed.

I’ve met some really positive people and will ever be grateful. I’ve
even open up more to these people than I ever had before and it is easy for me. This makes me think more and more that this
is finally the right time to be making these types of changes.

I’ve struggled all my life with:
· 
Low self esteem
· 
My weight
· 
Self-worth

Nick my taxi driver has been driving me home off and on for the past 8
years. We formed a common bond over the
fact that we both had issues tyring to conceive. Nick was actually the one that drove me home
on my last day at AXA when I was pregnant with the twins. 

I’ve been doing a lot of crazy hours at work, working the “pm shift”
where I started work at 12pm then left at 9:30pm. I’ve also been working nearly 10-12 hour
days, so in the past 5-6 months I’ve seen a lot Nick. The beauty about having Nick drive me home is
that we gas bag all the way and the drive is so quick, recently the trip has
not been long enough for us to get through everything.

Tonight was a big breakthrough for me as I told him that I’ve been
struggling at work and with my mind about some other stuff, mainly getting rid
of the negative thoughts that I have.

The first thing Nick says to me is “Maria you really have to get over
yourself” which is so true. I struggle
with self-worth and I know that it comes from my childhood, where my parents
(not knowing any better themselves) never really offered any positive
encouragement. I also recall being constantly hurt by my childhood friends,
which I never really dealt with.

The second thing Nick said to me was “Maria you need to loose some
weight, not because I think that you do, because you don’t. You need to for yourself”. Nick’s reasoning was that if I had lost even
the smallest amount of weight then it would give me the confidence I needed to continue
to make improvements in my life that I am seeking.

Another thing that Nick brought up was that I maybe cutting myself
short and not allowing myself to see opportunities because I have the mindset
that I don’t want to be Management. He is of the belief that I would be an
excellent manager, because I don’t have an ego.

Also along with a dear new friend of mine, Nick believes that I think
way too much and we are not talking just mind chatter. I think about everything
that has happened in the day, I worry about comments, remarks, looks and analyse
words said to me, words that weren’t spoken. I think of possible scenarios that
may happen and possible outcomes.

Yeah I think way too much.