My Nieces – the ugly truth

I don’t know where I should start; this post has been knocking around in my head for a while now.  I have tried to put aside what has happened and let go. Obviously it has not worked, hence the reason for this post and it has been a long time in coming. 

**Edited to say – this is a tough post and will be long. But I need it out, it is time that I let go and I heal from this pain**

My heart breaks for Ellie (aged 23) and Tina (aged 21) in a month they have lost both their parents.  I have no idea what they are going through; I can’t even begin to imagine what it is like to lose parents so young.

With the death of my sister, it triggered a huge healing within our lives.  For example, my mother and franks mother have not spoken in at least 10 years.  At Ildiko’s funeral they walked arm in arm to the burial site.  For me personally, I took a long to time to write her Eulogy and felt that there was great healing in those words. 

With the passing of my sister, all the past wrongs, misunderstandings and hard feelings were all buried with her.  They left my life as I stood up in front of a sea of faces and told the world how much I loved my sister and wished her well in heaven.

A month and 2 days after my sister passed, my brother in law also died, surrounded by his daughters and clutching a photo of Ildi.  The morning of Franks death, Ellie had texted me asking to pick her up so that she could spend some time with my Mother and the kids.  By the time I was ready to pick her up Ellie was on her way to the Emergency department for due to a sever panic attack. 

I dropped everything as soon as she told me she was going to hospital.  I literally threw my kids at my mother in law and then proceed to fly to the hospital. I do not remember the drive there because all I kept thinking was that I just needed to get by her side.

At the time I was working closely with the CEO on a high profile Client project and I had deadlines to meet.  But I put work aside to be there for Ellie, I would do it again in a heartbeat, she needed me and I dropped everything, literally everything to be there for her.

After receiving velum and calming down she was discharged.  I stayed with her the whole time and even called Tina to let her know what was happening.  I will never forget seeing Ellie like that and hearing her words, she was shattered and there was nothing I could do to ease her pain.

Ellie and Tina were trying to do the best that they could in a tragic situation. I felt that this was the time that you rely on the support of your family.  They were getting the support but it was only from Franks parents, and my family were being pushed aside.  My mother didn’t help the situation very much because she kept on airing her grievances with me. 

My mother is grieving, Ellie is shattered, Tina is trying to be strong for the first time in her life stepping up to be there for her sister and putting others needs before her own, there here I am being and becoming the punching bag for my family.

After another tearful phone call from my mother saying how Ellie and Tina have never once brought their boyfriends over to her house and how they are continuously over at Franks parents place with the boyfriends. I cracked and sent a text message to both Ellie and Tina, requesting that they show my mother the same respect that they are showing Franks parents. I was tired of taking on my mothers jealousy so I pushed that message to the source, my nieces. 

Was it right that I send a message like that?  I don’t know, and it is too late to say yes or no, because I did send it and there was some truth to that message.  BUT that message was bred from my mothers jealousy and that is never a good thing.

When you know better you do better!

Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could’ve been any different.

That text message was sent the day before Frank’s funeral and honestly in that moment I thought I was doing the right thing.

When you know better you do better!

The message I received from Ellie was one of hurt and of justification.  I attempted to call her to explain but she ignored all my calls.  Hung up on me and eventually turned off her phone. I must have called her 20+ times that day. I was left feeling like crap, my Ellie was not talking to me and tomorrow was her Dad’s funeral.  I didn’t even know if she wanted me there, if she even needed me because she was not answering her phone!

The message I received from Tina were full of malice and were abusive.  She accused me of never being there for her in her life and she was clear in her words that she wanted nothing to do with me.  That I could “fuck off and leave her alone” were her words.  I tried to explain that I had not been in her life since she disrespected me and my family by bringing police into my home.  But that I had always loved her. 

In my messages back to Tina I mentioned that I forgave her for the past and I attempted to fill them with love and kindness, even though her words were like a baseball bat beating me down.

Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could’ve been any different.

When she told me that she will never forgive me, I thanked her, because I was thanking her for this lesson. 

When I got to my mother place after work that day as she was looking after my kids, I was filled with anger and pain.  Ellie was ignoring me and Tina was abusing me, all because my mother dumped her shit onto me!  So I let my mother know what she had wrought and she read every single word the girls had texted me.  My brother also read every single word.  

So here I am at my mother’s house with the kids, the day before Frank’s funeral and I am livid and hysterical. Filled with pain and arguing with my father, mother and brother.  I did not want to go to the funeral. There was no way I could go and face these girls that cut me deeply.  I was scared that Tina would see me and kick me out of the funeral home, or her boyfriend would do the same.

I left my parents’ house and they were not even sure I would be attending the funeral the next day.  I was not sure either.  

On the way home Jordy could see that I was very quiet and he asked me what happened and I told him “Mummy is upset because I made a mistake and Ellie will not pick up the phone so that I can say sorry and talk to her”.  “That is so rude Mummy”.  I asked him if we should call her one more time, he said yes and dialled her number, once again no answer.  “That is so rude Mummy”.  “I know Jordy, the problem is that it is Franks funeral tomorrow.  Should we go?”, “No way Mummy, she is rude”.  I was shocked this is coming from a 7 year olds mouth, from my little boy that LOVES Ellie.

With a heavy heart we still went, we knew that we would not be staying for the burial this time, it was going to be a 40 degree day and my heart could just not take it.  I just buried my sister 3 weeks previously.  When we arrived I saw Tina and her boyfriend out the front of the funeral home and I asked my husband if we could stay in the car until she went inside.  I was scared that she would take her anger out on me and throw me out.  So we waited and entered after she was inside. 

As we walked up, I didn’t look at anyone and just kept walking straight ahead until I saw my mother sitting in a pew towards the back of the chapel.  I didn’t think of anything other than getting to my mother and sitting down with my family.  No thought as to why we were not sitting at the front, it never crossed my mind.  I could see Ellie and Tina clearly and they were surrounded by people.  

My husband was adamant that under no circumstances was I to go up to Ellie as he got a whole run down of the previous days events. So instead of going up to her myself, my mother took Lilly to give Ellie a hug and a bunch of flowers.  I sent my daughter to Ellie to let her know that we were there.

That night, I knew that Ellie was flying to Bali with her boyfriend so I sent a text message hoping that she would find some time to heal on her trip.  She was hurt that I didn’t go up to her at the funeral.

In the weeks after the funeral, both girls have sent nasty, mean and abusive messages to me.  From Tina she is saying that I disrespected her father by not sitting in the front pew at the funeral.  From Ellie it is that she does not believe that I love her because I didn’t go up to her at the funeral.

I was left with a hard decision and life lesson to acknowledge!

What did I do?...stay tuned to the next post.

Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could’ve been any different

The true person

People show their true selves in many forms, it is what you choose to do with that truth that really matters.

It is in a touch of a friend on your arm when you are grieving.  It is the kind word, look for a dear friend when you are upset.  It can be the smirk of a person sitting in front of you when you are talking.  It is in their eyes when you are trying to say something important.  It is the words that they say to you when speaking. It can be an expression on a person’s face when they think that no one is watching.  It can be the words they use to describe themselves “I am a bad friend”, “I am a lazy friend”, “I’m not good at keeping in touch with people”, “I can be selfish”, “I have a short temper”, “I anger quickly”, “I have a big heart”, “My friends are important to me”, “I don’t make friends easily” or “I have a large mouth”.

It is important to be awake enough, be present enough, centered enough to listen to what people are really saying and showing of their true self.

I learnt this the hard way.

Six adults and seven children staying on a house together for a summer break.  The ages of the children range from 1 years old to 13 years of age.  It is a hot summer, sun shining, no clouds and dry heat.  The wonderful house is situated in a tiny river inlet which connects to a large river, with 3 families we have two boats that are used to waterski, fish, and simply enjoy a summer by the river.

It was explained on the first hour of arriving at the house that when the 1 year old sleeps no other children (or Adults) are allowed near the bedroom, just in case that baby is woken from her sleep. This rule was strictly enforced to the other six children. The children understood the rule and the other parents ensured that their children were kept quiet when the baby was sleeping. 

The oldest girl becomes quite ill for being exposed to the summer heat and not drinking enough liquid.  She suffers from heat stroke and the next day she spends as much time as she can sleeping, drinking and resting.

The oldest girl is finally asleep in the house and the other children have been kept occupied outside in a blow up pool.  The baby is awake and is making a lot of noise, crying, screaming and carrying on.  A 4 year old girl enters the house and starts calling out to her brothers.  The mother of that child automatically tells the child to mind her manners as her friend is sleeping as she is ill.

The mother of the one year old asks her friend why is there a need to be quiet, when it is explained that there is a child sleeping in the house, the mother of the one year old shrugs her shoulders and continues to play with the one year old.

What struck me in that moment was the profound disrespect that I witnessed with that “shrug” and her facial expression.  It was “I just don’t care if there is another sleeping child”. I was shocked, bewildered and angry for the disrespect that this woman displayed.

The memory of that shrug and facial expression will remain with me.  I am not deliberately holding onto a negative memory and the way it made me feel because I want to keep negativity in my life. There was a moment in time just a moment between seeing the shrug and the rush of feelings when I saw her true self and knew then that my friend was no longer required in my life.

I hold onto that memory as an example of when to trust my true self, my heart that what I was seeing was the truth.

A pause

I am devouring anything and everything I can get my hands on to help understand what is the Law of attraction and how to bring more positivity into my life.  Books, movies, audio tapes and youtube videos are my source of inspiration. I am watching youtube clips whilst I am working, listening and working away.  When I hear a message that I need to take note I have this word document open that I write phrases.

This was one such phrase from an interview between Iyanla Vanzant and Oprah:

When you find yourself in a new situation or circumstance in life experience.  Everything that requires healing is going to rush to the surface.  If you don’t take a minute to breath to gather yourself to pray, you will do what you have always done. So you got to be clear enough, grounded enough, centred enough to say “How am I going to handle this, this time”.  So the lesson is PAUSE.

What I find amazing is how the universe speaks to me directly.  About 2 weeks ago I was working from home on a Tuesday and I am working closely with a lady in Sydney.  I had been warned that this lady was  little difficult to work with.  I mentally shrugged off the concerns because I was now living the life on the secret path and was positive in all aspects of my life. 

So I thought.

I was responsible for completing certain sections of a document we were both working on and I was doing a brilliant job.  On this Tuesday I was happily working away as normal when this “difficult” person told me that she would be completing the same sections of the document but for a different vendor.  I was shocked and felt my heart miss a beat.

HELLO! BANG! SMACK! 

I sent a simple “ok” and tried to move on, because as I said I am walking the path of the secret and I am positive in all aspects of my life. My mind would not stop churning though and I decided to have a break and I went outside and sat on the step of the kid’s cubby house. 

My thoughts kept coming and most of the were positive. I was congratulating myself on a great job of not reacting, of being the bigger person and staying positive and for not trying to control my work.

So here I am mentally patting myself on the back for a job well done, for ticking off the “Yes I am being positive card” when I see this tiny little butterfly, I will never forget that moment.  This butterfly would've been the size of a 10 cent coin and it was a beautiful mauve colour with royal blue towards the body.  It landed 30 centimeters from where I was sitting.  It felt like the whole world had stopped in that moment.  All thoughts of work and the “difficult” person left.  So I paused, really paused and watched the butterfly flutter around my back yard.

When I went back into my study and reread the conversation I had with the “difficult” person, I felt happy and gratitude, in that moment I knew just new that I had finally stepped on to the right path because instead of being hurt or questioning “why” or trying to control or cracking the shits.  I truly let go and was grateful for the help.

Missing piece?

Reading and watching “The Secret” has literally changed our lives, it teaches you to live positively and simply ask for “what you want”.  Know that you are part of the universe actually it is more than that we have the same energy as the universe around us.  “God / universe” is within us.

Reading “The Magic” has taught me to live in gratitude for everything that you have in your life.  I haven’t finished reading the magic.

Daniela (my kinesiologist) recommended the Abundance 21 day course, where it has taught us how to remove the “clutter” that is within your house and within your life to make room for abundance and prosperity. 

Peace from broken pieces has taught me that no matter where you are in your life, your past issues will always present themselves for healing.  That the issues I am facing head on now are written in my DNA and were contracted before my birth.

It has been over a month since we watched “The Secret” I know this as Tim and I signed and dated the “The Secret cheque”.  We are living with the law of attraction, everyday we give thanks to what we have.

I have to wonder though if there is something more than the law of attraction, not that I doubt that the universe will provide.  I just have to wonder if our path is linked to being at peace with our lives. Tim said to me the other day “Until we get rid of all the negative relationships we have in our life, then the universe will not hear what we are asking”.  For me this rings very true!

I have to wonder if “the secret” team are aware that the law of attraction is not enough on its own.  That someone has to be open to receive, that the person has healed or is healing the past blockers.  If it is in the movie and the book then it didn’t get through.

But it will now.  I am so happy, bursting with joy all because I know my worth and have cut negative influences out of my life.

Books, books and more books

My husband’s best friend’s first girlfriend introduced the love of books to me, when she recommended that I read a Sci-Fi fantasy series.  I was hooked and fell in love!  Oprah when she first started her book club always said that you give a book 50 pages.  There have been books that I have purchased from my favourite author read the first 50 pages and put them down.  But generally I know what genre of books I like so it is rare that I read one that I don’t like.

My book shelf was overflowing and I even had many boxes of books in the shed when I bought myself a kindle, from bonus cash cards received from my employer for a job well done.  I love my kindle, I have 188 books on there and I have read about 70% of them.  I still occasionally by paperback books but mostly they are on my kindle.

I started of reading Sci-Fi fantasy about the worlds of magic, dragons, dwarfs, elves and humans.  Then moved onto magicians and time travel, I was heavily pregnant with the twins when a dear friend of mine lent me the Twilight saga.  They were my saving grace, my escape from the pain and discomfort of Braxton –hicks and generally being pregnant with Twins.  When Jordy was at child care I would be camped on the couch getting lost in those books.

That introduced me to the love of Young Adult Sci-fi, I still read adult sci-fi but my love is now YA. Most times I have 2 books on the go, one for the train and one for when before I go to sleep, which is usually some historical romance novel that I have purchased. I have always felt embarrassed about admitting to reading historical romance/romance, perhaps because it does have details sex scene that if filmed would be classed as porn. I just loved a well written story that makes me feel.

When 50-shades of grey came out and I didn’t understand what all the hype about that book was about because I have certainly read more graphic exploits over the years.  I saw past all the sexual details to the real story which was what kept me reading the whole series. 

In the past 2 years I have read “Self-help” books, and spiritual books. I have spoken about reading “The Secret” and “The Magic”.  Yesterday afternoon I finished reading “Peace from broken pieces” by Iyanla Vanzant, I have another post about an insight that is forming in my mind.

My mother was and still is an avid reader but she was not allowed to teach me to read when I was a child due to her strong Hungarian accent.  I know that I have inherited the love of books from her; it is a shame though that someone other than my mother first gave me a book and said “here try this”.

I am passing the passion onto my kids but this time I am breaking the cycle of neglect and sitting with Jordan (eventually Rylie and Lilly) to listen and be part of his journey with the written word. 

Friendship…the last step?

I don’t remember the year, but I do remembeponse fr the circumstance.  My Tim’s best friend was dating a girl.  They started dating before I met my Tim, actually I met my Tim through his best friend.  He was the catalyst for us being together.

I do remember that we were married at the time because I remember living in our house. 

So my husband’s best friend was dating this girl and my friendship with this girl was weird.  When I say weird, what I know now is that I would not have been friends with this girl if she was not dating My Tim’s best friend.  We got along, we made lots of memories together but really we were friends that became that way because we were shoved into a group situation because we both loved men that were best friends.

For some reason there was a falling out between this girl and myself.  The reason for the fall out was obviously not important because I don’t remember it.  What I do remember is that at the time, my Tim was still invited to his best friends place and he went a few times. 

So with the falling out between this girl and I, not only did I lose that friendship, I lost the friendship of his best friend, but my Tim didn’t stand up for me.  I was not invited, not allowed to go over to their place.  For some reason I became the “bad” person.

Fast forward to 2005 and a very similar situation occurred.  This time my Tim’s best friend was dating another girl and we had a falling out over DVD’s.  The difference with this girl was that I feel in love with her.  I just loved her honesty, her sense of humour and her heart. We didn’t speak for a year, the girl and I (over DVD’s), even after I had helped her find the location for their wedding, I researched places, booked appointments with reception halls.  Spent weekends driving her around to all the places.  I did all that because I loved my friend. 

So when we didn’t talk for a year it hurt me, but I always had faith that one day maybe one day we would work our way together and that faith paid off because we did come back together and the past 8 years was filled with happiness, joy, celebration and wonderful memories.

During the time that the “wives” were not talking, my Tim was again still invited to visit his best friend because he needed help moving house and once again I was the “bad” person, because I was again not allowed to visit and I was not invited over to their place.

When you know better you do better!

What I know now is that I allowed myself to be the “bad” person, because I didn’t believe in my self-worth and because I didn’t believe my husband didn’t believe, so he didn’t see anything wrong  with still going over to be with his friend and leaving me alone. Even at the time I didn’t see anything wrong with it either, because I didn’t know any better.

This past Christmas break we went away together to a wonderful place.  The trip should’ve been joyful like it had always been. But the seams had started to unravel, because I was stepping into myself worth.  There was an incident during our trip where my friend accused my Tim and I for not looking after her child.  For allowing her child to go hungry, her child was continuing to only ask for her mother and my Tim and I were busy looking after our own 3 children. 

My Tim started to argue with her and it could’ve escalated to something significant.  But I put a stop to it, at the time I was attempting to just keep the peace as this was the second day of a 7 day trip. Now I know different.

The universe continued to show me signs, whispers as they say.  I just didn’t get it because I was not open to it.

Our trip ended up being stressful but also at the same time wonderful because the kids enjoyed themselves. 

Later in January this on Facebook my friend posted this picture:

It is a wonderful positive affirmation and the words are very true.  At the time my instinctive knew, I just knew in my gut that she did not post that thinking of me.  So what do I do? I thought that I was being cheeky in saying “Yes this is you and me”. How wrong was I, that 

I didn't listen to that voice! I got no response for that message.

When you know better you do better!

Yesterday my friend decided to not come over to our place to celeraate the twins birthday, simply because she was dieting.  Sure my initial invite was for a BBQ, but that is beside the point.  The reason being given to NOT celebrate my twins birthday was because they were on a diet they didn’t want to come over.

NOW

This finally was unacceptable for me.  For her the diet was more important than coming over and celebrating my twins 5^th birthday and because now I know my self-worth and because now I am awake and on the righteous path.

Yesterday many text messages were exchanged and I am so grateful for my lesson learnt.  I sent “What is typical is your continued belief that this treatment is acceptable.” She sent “Why are you like this? I feel like I can’t win with you.”  My initial response to that message was “Well I know that I will never be good enough for you”.  Just that thought…that thought that I know that I will never be good enough for her was my biggest moment and this has me so very excited.  I do know my worth and I am worthy of a fulfilling friendship and I am worthy of being a cherished friend, simply because I am me.

My dear Tim decided to step in and take responsibility, my initial reaction yesterday was “NO…NO NO NO I don’t want to be the “bad” person any more”.  I began to realise that I had allowed this situation to occur.  RIGHT then I remembered the times that this occurred with my Tim’s best friends girlfriend/wife and that my husband did not respect me enough to stand up for me.  This was not the fault of my Tim, this was my own self-worth screaming at me. 

So my Tim called his best friend and let him know that this treatment from his wife is no longer acceptable and that we would no longer be going away with them.

Now if that is not proof of his love me for then I don’t know what is! My Tim was willing to break a 20+ year friendship all because NOW I know my true worth.

Part of me is sad but I am not debilitated from the loss of this friend.  I am grateful for the friendship but more importantly I am grateful that I know my worth.

Money

My relationship with money is the goal for 2014.  Improving our relationship with money will be an easy journey but one of enlightenment.

I am excited, happy and blessed with this time in my life!  I am bursting at the seams with gratitude for my life lessons and with gratitude with right now.

So I recently completed 3 years of company finances for my husband’s company. I learnt something so profound that it has been a few days to process before I could really write about it.

Our belief was that 2012 & 2013 was a constant struggle for us.  We lived pay cheque to pay cheque, I dodged calls from banks, creditors and just lived in thought that we were struggling.  It even got that bad that just this past Christmas I didn’t even have enough money to buy the food for Christmas Day; my darling mother not only came to my house for Christmas day but bought all the food that we ate.  I didn’t even have enough money to buy food for our holiday from 26^th December to 2^ndof January 2014. My mother gave me that money also.

So here is my rock bottom, Christmas 2013 I had a Christmas tree with gifts for all my kids. I was traveling away for a week with friends to a beautiful place with no money.  None. 

What I have learnt over the last month is that our belief that we were struggling became true.

BUT

This is the biggest BUT and this is what I learnt when I finally did the Company finances, we were not struggling; the amount of money coming into and out of our house was and continues to be substantial.  We never struggled, we never had struggled. When I say substantial I am saying that in a financial year we spent over $171K on various things. That is no small amount of money and that is all money that had come into our house, this was not credit as our credit card had been cancelled due to being over the limit.

We never went without fresh milk or fresh bread. We all had enough clothing.  We had various holidays, weekends away.  My kids’ activities were provided, the boys did AUSKICK, Lilly did dancing and they all went swimming.  Child Care was paid for (late but paid).  School fees were paid again late but paid.

In our minds Tim and I thought that we had no money.  We struggled; we lived pay cheque to pay cheque.  We have bad credit. Learning from the secret was that you say you are struggling with money the universe says “Your wish is my command”.   

I was astounded with the raw figures. As a Business Analyst I am used to analysing figures and raw data and they never lie.  NEVER.

I am grateful to “The Secret” and I am grateful for my lesson learnt and I am thankful for the raw figures, because they never lie and the truth is that we didn’t struggle we never have. What we are is wealthy and prosperous!