Photography

I told you I had a lot to catch you all up on...OK this is my last post for the day and i will make sure to post more often.

When I was at home with Jordan I dreaded going back to work. The lack of funds set me back earlier than I expected and whist I truely enjoy what I'm doing I don't enjoy the travel. This is why I'm kind of branching out into the invitations as a side thing. But it is slow going.

What I would really love to do is Photography, I wouldn't mind doing wedding occasionally but I want to mainly focus on family. I envy some of the website's that I've seen, I envy the equipment that they have and their skill. I've tried taking more photo's and trying to capture that special something that make you sigh when you see a photo...I think that I captured it here with Ellie walking Jordy.

If I were to give this photo a title it would say: "A special cousin bond".

What do you think?

Pictures I never thought I would have

We recently went on a family weekend away down the Great Ocean road to Apollo Bay. The weather was beautiful as well as the company.

Whilst Tim went off fishing and doing his thing I took Jordy down to the beach and just sat there watching him. My heart nearly burst and I was so overwhelmed, I still can't believe that there are still times that I'm in shock that I have a child (can't call him a baby anymore).

All that time though IF all the waiting all the tears, stress and worry were worth every moment see sand in between my sons toes (and shorts and nappy). Still even saying the words "My son", sends my heart fluttering.

All worth it

I had a dark time in my life way before infertility (if only I knew then what I know now). At the time Ellie was my Angel, she was a toddler then and couldn't really talk. But her unconditional love get me from going to the dark place and she kept me here.

It is so rewarding to see her relationship with Jordan, they too have a very special bond, they play and fight but they also love each other unconditionally, she is the only one that can get Jordy to sit still on the little stool to brush his teeth.

The truth?

I worte the above post on the 1st of October and posted it on the 12th. The folate bottle is still on the kitchen bench untouched. I still haven't started taking it, there is something holding me back.

What is it?

My old friend fear!

I'm terrified and honestly I don't think that I have the strength to face it just yet.

I look into Jordy's eyes, his beautiful blue eyes the same colour as my Mimi's and part of me wonders how I could not start trying to conceive. Then I think that I'm being very selfish for not wanting to give Jordy a brother or a sister.

The fear is holding me back and until I let go of that fear then I'm kind of in limbo. Every day I ask myself and I think about the whole process. I start remembering the good and bad times of Jordan's pregnancy. My mind goes in circles...do I dare to face fate again?

Right now the answer no..I can't just can't do it yet. Not yet.
Then the next minute it is why not tempt fate again!!!

I won't answer my questions of when? Today and I know that I have a lot of soul searching to do befofre I finally make the first step.

Mocking me in the dark?

Staring out the kitchen window whilst my hands are emerged in soaping dish water, I stop and watch my dogs antics of trying to catch a fly. Running around with is pink tongue hanging out bouncing around in our small back yard.

Jordan is asleep and it is quite in the house, this is the time that the whispers start. I finish what I’m doing and glance up at ‘the’ cupboard with a frown. The whispers started a while ago, quietly mocking me when ever I’m in the kitchen.

With a deep sigh I finally decide to acknowledge the reason behind the whispers and as I approach the cupboard my heart starts race, I pull a chair over and stand up. All the while staring at the doors, the whispers are louder and although I can’t really catch what they are saying, I just know deep down that they are somehow mocking me.

I reach out and open the doors; I’m greeted with the faint smell of herbs that is related to the Pharmacy. I push aside the Baby Panadol, Nuerofen, old bottles of cough mixture, thermometer, vitamin bottle and old prescriptions.

I can hear the faint sound of giggling and high pitched chatter, like little pixies talking excitedly of their next adventure. I’m greeted with the bottle that I had deliberately placed in the far dark corner, the label is not facing me, it is turned away almost like in shame or disgust.

As quickly as possible I reach in a grab it, step down off the chair all the while clutching the bottle in my hot little hand. The bottle is burning me and I start to shake, I’m filled with an overwhelming sense of dread and excitement in the one breath.

I set it on the bench and just look at it, I can’t stop the thoughts they are flashing through my mind. The memories, feelings associated with the little brown bottle that has a pink label on it, come flooding back.

Part of my mind reels at the thought of stepping back onto the road that I left for others to walk along. Do I dare to walk that road again? All that heart ache, the waiting, how long will it take again? All these questions and more bombard my mind.

I hear a stir in the other room and go and fetch Jordan. When I walk back into the kitchen with Jordan in my arms I calmly, open the bottle and pop a tablet into my mouth. I swallow the folate tablet, Jordan smiling, giggling and looking at me with his beautiful blue eye. Taking the tablet marks the first step back on the road of trying to conceive.

Feet

This is a silly post, but I really want to get back into bloging as I miss it.

I have a foot phobia, I hate that part of my body…hate despise it. You know those commercials where all you see is the foot rubbing under the white blanket, how it is meant to illustrate the romance and hot steamy sex the couple are having?

Well that would never happen in my bed as I can’t stand anyone’s foot being close to mine. I will literally freak out, even in an accident at night I will wake in a cold sweat. My brother used to torment me with his feet placing them an inch away from my face all along saying “I’m not touching you!” I still shudder from the thought!

There are still times when Tim will chase me around the house trying to touch me with his feet…saying “here comes stinky feet”, childish I know!

All this fear until, I had Jordan’s feet to play with, now I know that one day they will turn into the things that I despise, but right now I can’t get enough of them. They are always in my hands and I’m always tickling them. After a bath they always get a rub and loads of kisses.
While the weather here is starting to warm up I decided to take Jordy out side to walk around one the grass and I just loved the look of our feet in the grass, so I took a photo to remind me in years to come that at this moment I cherish his feet, but most of all it is to remind me of how blessed I am.

Remember Blessings

This post may seem appropriate given the day and it has been rattling around in my head for a week or so. But before I get to this gist of this post..here is a quick update:

******Update******
WORK
Back at work, and whilst I felt so guilty about leaving him and hated where I was placed. I’ve worked through these issue and am happy, actually happy. The extra money helps and stress of finances has lifted and I get to have some me time during the day. I spend more time with Jordan than I do at work which suits me. The work part of it is great, new challenging, it was not something I wanted to do and even tried my hardest to get out, but it seems that I’ve been put there for a reason and who knew that I would enjoy it so much?

QUEENSLAND
No news yet, it is just a matter of waiting. In the meantime we are slowly getting the house ready.

JORDAN
He is now sitting, my little man with two teeth is sitting and he is such a happy baby. He may not crawl yet and he may not be as active on the floor but he is happy and I’m not going to push him.

/-----End Update------/

I have completed the PND group sessions and meet some wonderful caring people who get me and my situation. There is nothing like having someone who just gets you.

In the last session we were asked to choose a couple of cards that reflect what we had learnt. I choose “Being Thankful” and “Remember Blessings”.

I’m deeply thankful to the counsellor for not letting me go, after seeing the Phycologist I thought that I was fine, over the hurdle, passed the issues I was having. In reality I was deluding myself. I was not “depressed” perse it was hard not to control the negative thoughts, feelings of inadequacy and recognising when it was getting too much.

I’m thankful for opening my eyes to reality that I was most likely suffering from anxiety and depression during the pregnancy. I can remember hyperventilating on the tram to work one day as I just didn’t want to go there…that was a sign and sign to slow down and a sign that I missed because I didn’t know better.

Remember blessing is to simply remember that I have my baby, my wonderful boy that brings so much love and laughter to my life. I sometimes stress about meeting his needs and being the “perfect mother” when I just need to remember that I have been blessed with this gift and to just cherish it. Jordan won’t know that he does not have the latest Pumpkin patch outfit…but he will notice and miss the time we play together.

I also need to remember that I almost died and I need to remember that I was blessed with a second chance. I came so very close and ignoring what happened to me is being stupid. I won’t dwell on it but I need to remember that someone..be it God, the universe or mother earth would not let me go. I am here for a reason and it is not to be some negative thinking, doubting blubbering mess. I have more to give and more to learn…there is just more.

So after just a short 8 weeks I feel like a different person and for it to last like this I need to work at it.