December 14th 2009 saw me return to full time employment.
From the time the decision was made to start looking for a job to the date I started working was a matter of only 2 weeks. It all happened so very quickly. So quickly in fact that I barely had time to prepare, (which in hindsight was a good thing in part).
I started this post with describing all the questions / comments that have been thrown at me, with regards to the decision to return back to work. After I read the words written, I was disgusted with how this decision has been treated and I didn’t want these negative thoughts and feelings to be present, they simply do not belong here.
Until you have walked in someone’s shoes you will never truly know what it is like to be them or the true extent of their life situation. No matter how I tried to explain to family and friends the reason for returning to work, it would never be enough and I’m not going to try to hash it out again here.
A netball team mate of mine said the words so very simply. “I live in a reality where both my husband and I have work”.
Once again I opened my self up to the hands of the universe who guided me, and I strongly feel that I was meant to go back to work. The job role was not even advertised and it was exactly what I was looking for. The salary is 50% more than what I was previously earning. The kids have settled in very quickly.
All the signs say to me that it was meant to be, got a really great job, the money is fantastic, the location is great (right in the heart of the city in a beautiful building), the kids are settled.
I could sit here and be depressed and worry about “those poor kid in Child Care”, I could allow myself to feel the full extent of my guilt. Which is weird, why should I feel guilty for working to better my family’s life? My husband can’t do it by himself, why am I expecting him to bear the burden for supporting all of us? Now that is something I SHOULD feel guilty about, not me working again!!!
This is my reality and I’m embracing it, because if I don’t then the negativity will destroy me.
Tuesday, 12 January 2010
Wednesday, 6 January 2010
I don't know how you do it
This has been said to so many times, that I’ve just taken to shrugging this comment off. What can I say to that? Not much!
I’ve had friends that try to sympathise with me by saying that they struggle with only having one child and then they shake theirs heads and say “I don’t know how you do it with 3 kids”.
What I would like to say and have said:
- Its hard but you cope
- I don’t have a clean house, there are toys everywhere
- You just adapt and do it
- Your not going to let a child cry so you quickly learn to feed both babies at once
- I have a wonderful husband and great support from my Mum.
The reality is that there is not enough time in the day to do everything that needs to get done. I try to do laundry once a week, but it was hell with our small washing machine (have since purchased a larger one). Hanging the clothes out to dry is an accomplishment, bringing them in may take another week. Once inside it may not be put away. So sometimes we live out of the cleaned laundry basket.
I do cook dinner every night (once a week we have take away) and have learnt that the best meals for us are those that I can put in the oven to cook on its own; we use a timer to keep track of when we need to flip/stir/baste/whatever.
I now do my grocery shopping on-line and dearly thank my sister in law for convincing me it was the way to go. Where possible I also buy in bulk.
Cleaning the house suffers and I sometimes cringe at the thought of people coming into my home. I recently apologised to my dear friend LB about the state of my home and her reply was perfect “I came to visit you not your house”. I’ve learnt that there are friends who really don’t care what your house looks like, but then there are family that come in look around and sniff with disapproval; needless to say they don’t come over often. Ellie recently came over to look after the kids so that I could clean and she promptly said “You are not expecting Queen to come and you have 3 kids so relax”. But it is hard to relax when people come to visit, there is a social expectation that you house must be spotless.
We wash the dishes once a day, sure they pile up and it looks unsightly and honestly I could wash them when the twins sleep. But instead Jordy and I spend that sleep time with one on one play. We draw, play with playdo, do crafts, play board games, go out into the garden. Or I start preparing dinner. Living in Melbourne we are in a drought so I feel that only using water once a day (instead of every time a dish is used) is my way of being water conscious. As much dishes as possible is put into the dish washer, but large pots and pans I still wash by hand.
We are all clean and well fed, our clothes are clean (may not have been put away, but they are clean). We try to spend quality time with each of the kids, so my house is not the cleanest and I have dirty dishes on the counter. But at the end what will my children remember? A clean house with every dish staked away, clothes in the right place or the time Mummy and Daddy have spent with them?
This is the way “I do it” with 3 kids. It may not be the best way but it is my way of coping.
I’ve had friends that try to sympathise with me by saying that they struggle with only having one child and then they shake theirs heads and say “I don’t know how you do it with 3 kids”.
What I would like to say and have said:
- Its hard but you cope
- I don’t have a clean house, there are toys everywhere
- You just adapt and do it
- Your not going to let a child cry so you quickly learn to feed both babies at once
- I have a wonderful husband and great support from my Mum.
The reality is that there is not enough time in the day to do everything that needs to get done. I try to do laundry once a week, but it was hell with our small washing machine (have since purchased a larger one). Hanging the clothes out to dry is an accomplishment, bringing them in may take another week. Once inside it may not be put away. So sometimes we live out of the cleaned laundry basket.
I do cook dinner every night (once a week we have take away) and have learnt that the best meals for us are those that I can put in the oven to cook on its own; we use a timer to keep track of when we need to flip/stir/baste/whatever.
I now do my grocery shopping on-line and dearly thank my sister in law for convincing me it was the way to go. Where possible I also buy in bulk.
Cleaning the house suffers and I sometimes cringe at the thought of people coming into my home. I recently apologised to my dear friend LB about the state of my home and her reply was perfect “I came to visit you not your house”. I’ve learnt that there are friends who really don’t care what your house looks like, but then there are family that come in look around and sniff with disapproval; needless to say they don’t come over often. Ellie recently came over to look after the kids so that I could clean and she promptly said “You are not expecting Queen to come and you have 3 kids so relax”. But it is hard to relax when people come to visit, there is a social expectation that you house must be spotless.
We wash the dishes once a day, sure they pile up and it looks unsightly and honestly I could wash them when the twins sleep. But instead Jordy and I spend that sleep time with one on one play. We draw, play with playdo, do crafts, play board games, go out into the garden. Or I start preparing dinner. Living in Melbourne we are in a drought so I feel that only using water once a day (instead of every time a dish is used) is my way of being water conscious. As much dishes as possible is put into the dish washer, but large pots and pans I still wash by hand.
We are all clean and well fed, our clothes are clean (may not have been put away, but they are clean). We try to spend quality time with each of the kids, so my house is not the cleanest and I have dirty dishes on the counter. But at the end what will my children remember? A clean house with every dish staked away, clothes in the right place or the time Mummy and Daddy have spent with them?
This is the way “I do it” with 3 kids. It may not be the best way but it is my way of coping.
Wednesday, 4 February 2009
Mistakes and disappointments
I made the biggest mistake yesterday and now I can’t seem to get my Dad to back off.
I have a ritual every morning, I wake between 7-7:30 either to take Jordy to Child Care or because I hear him talking, we either have breakfast or I drop him off. Then around 8am I call my Dad to let him know that all is ok. I started doing this when my Mum went OS, to ease his worry as I knew that I would not be seeing for the duration of her trip, driving 30-40 minutes was just too far for me on my own.
My Mum arrived home Monday night and so I called around 10:30 yesterday for my normal check in and because I was still worked up from my last post I started crying over the phone to my Dad.
They ended up visiting yesterday afternoon and since the phone call my Dad keeps telling me that I should not work my self up or cry that it is not good for me.
I will admit that I had a rough day yesterday as the guilt I feel towards my lack of mothering towards Jordy is all in my head. It is not like I’m constantly screaming at him or neglecting him. I just want to get down on the floor and play with him like he wants me too. It is my desire and my wants that make me feel guilty, instead I need to perhaps think of things that I can do with him, read every single book that he owns. Draw pictures, let him play out side in the dirt whilst I sit and watch.
Being the negative person that I am, I feel that I should be doing more and that even though I’m pregnant with Twins it should not matter, I should be able to do it all and I know that I can’t and this makes me feel guilty. Which is really stupid and dumb as Jordy will not turn around at the age of 15 and say to me…”You never played with me when you were pregnant with the twins… you ruined my life”. (well at least I hope he won’t).
I know that these feelings of inadequacy, guilty and feeling as though I’m a bad mother are an extension of PND. I recognised them when I spoke to Tim about how I was feeling. So I had a rough day yesterday because I simply allowed the negative feelings take control, instead of thinking about other more positive ways that I can entertain Jordy when we are home alone together.
I suppose that it hasn’t helped that my BIL let me down the other week. I had tried to arrange to Ellie to come over on Friday for a visit to help keep Jordy entertained, and when I called on Thursday I was basically told that he felt that it was not a good idea to take Jordy to one of those Play centres in 40 degree heat. My BIL felt that Jordan would get too dehydrated and that it would be too much for me…which I new but why I had asked Ellie to come with me.
My BIL was also worried about me going into Labour at the Play centre, so he had decided that it was not a good idea. I don’t know a lot of people that often ask for help, as I know that I don’t usually do that, but in this instance I asked for some support of my niece in order for Jordy to be able to run around and enjoy himself. I know that I can’t climb up the big stairs to going sliding down with him, but I didn’t want to deny him the chance to have some fun.
F took the decision out of my hands and decided that it was not a good idea and that I should just stay at home. I was and possibly still am really disappointed in them, as I really needed some support. I know that I need to let this go and I hope that by writing about it will help.
I did end up explaining to Ellie how I felt, but it is not her fault as she does not drive so would rely on her father to bring her over here.
I have a ritual every morning, I wake between 7-7:30 either to take Jordy to Child Care or because I hear him talking, we either have breakfast or I drop him off. Then around 8am I call my Dad to let him know that all is ok. I started doing this when my Mum went OS, to ease his worry as I knew that I would not be seeing for the duration of her trip, driving 30-40 minutes was just too far for me on my own.
My Mum arrived home Monday night and so I called around 10:30 yesterday for my normal check in and because I was still worked up from my last post I started crying over the phone to my Dad.
They ended up visiting yesterday afternoon and since the phone call my Dad keeps telling me that I should not work my self up or cry that it is not good for me.
I will admit that I had a rough day yesterday as the guilt I feel towards my lack of mothering towards Jordy is all in my head. It is not like I’m constantly screaming at him or neglecting him. I just want to get down on the floor and play with him like he wants me too. It is my desire and my wants that make me feel guilty, instead I need to perhaps think of things that I can do with him, read every single book that he owns. Draw pictures, let him play out side in the dirt whilst I sit and watch.
Being the negative person that I am, I feel that I should be doing more and that even though I’m pregnant with Twins it should not matter, I should be able to do it all and I know that I can’t and this makes me feel guilty. Which is really stupid and dumb as Jordy will not turn around at the age of 15 and say to me…”You never played with me when you were pregnant with the twins… you ruined my life”. (well at least I hope he won’t).
I know that these feelings of inadequacy, guilty and feeling as though I’m a bad mother are an extension of PND. I recognised them when I spoke to Tim about how I was feeling. So I had a rough day yesterday because I simply allowed the negative feelings take control, instead of thinking about other more positive ways that I can entertain Jordy when we are home alone together.
I suppose that it hasn’t helped that my BIL let me down the other week. I had tried to arrange to Ellie to come over on Friday for a visit to help keep Jordy entertained, and when I called on Thursday I was basically told that he felt that it was not a good idea to take Jordy to one of those Play centres in 40 degree heat. My BIL felt that Jordan would get too dehydrated and that it would be too much for me…which I new but why I had asked Ellie to come with me.
My BIL was also worried about me going into Labour at the Play centre, so he had decided that it was not a good idea. I don’t know a lot of people that often ask for help, as I know that I don’t usually do that, but in this instance I asked for some support of my niece in order for Jordy to be able to run around and enjoy himself. I know that I can’t climb up the big stairs to going sliding down with him, but I didn’t want to deny him the chance to have some fun.
F took the decision out of my hands and decided that it was not a good idea and that I should just stay at home. I was and possibly still am really disappointed in them, as I really needed some support. I know that I need to let this go and I hope that by writing about it will help.
I did end up explaining to Ellie how I felt, but it is not her fault as she does not drive so would rely on her father to bring her over here.
Tuesday, 3 February 2009
35 Weeks
I’ve made it to the point now that if I were to go into proper labour, I would deliver these babies in my local little private hospital, I feel so relieved!
I wrote a whole big post just before and decided to delete it because I was just beating around the bush and not really saying what I wanted to.
I’ve been talking to these babies every day but have now started coaxing them to decide to come out. Is it working? Who knows, all I know is that mentally and emotionally it is getting a lot harder to deal with this body.
I have this overwhelming feeling of guilt and I feel so very selfish. I’m not looking after Jordan or Tim, I’m only concentrating on meeting my own needs. I’m almost to the point where I’m begging my baby belly to please please just come out now.
I was home alone with Jordy yesterday and all I did was sit on my fat arse and literally put in DVD after DVD to entertain my son, as I CAN’T DO ANYTHING with him. I can’t get on the floor and play, sit down on a chair and play with cars, trains or trucks. He basically ate Toast and Teddy bear biscuits all day because I just don’t have the energy to prepare a balance meal for him.
I can see that he is craving my attention as he will come over and grab my hand and try to pull me up out of the chair. The contractions and just so hard to deal with along with a child that wants to play a little rough or wants you to crouch down and show that Cranky has yet again crashed. I hate that I’m pushing Jordy away and feel so guilty.
Every little twinge, contraction, movement, sensation that I feel has me constantly wondering…Is this is yet? I’m keeping all the pain, movements, and sensations to myself now and not telling Tim about them, because I hate it that I’ve become so obsessed with this delivery.
On Sunday there was a good 2 hours where I literally sat there feeling as though my lower back was going to break apart and I was secretly hoping that one of the babies had engaged. I decided to start sitting on towels just in case my waters break and am wearing a heavier pad.
Brought back a lot of memories, of when we were TTCing, checking the pad for any sign of AF, instead of AF I’m now checking for any sign of impending birth. It got too much for me on Sunday night and I burst into tears and just couldn’t stop crying.
Jordy came running out of the bath room to give me a hug when I stops dead in his tracks as he sees me crying. He was so concerned that his lower lip started quivering in response to my tears, his little hands were wiping my face all the while saying. “Why Mummy crying?”. How could I explain to him that I was wondering the whole day if I was going to have these babies and how disappointed I felt that every twinge was just a twinge, every contraction was FALSE fucking labour pains. Every sensation was just nothing and that I maybe feeling all these things for another 4 weeks.
So instead I just told Jordy that Mummy is a little sad and that Mummy was not angry with Jordy and that Jorday was a very good boy. I don’t think that I convinced him as he wouldn’t go to sleep, instead he was laid his head on me (which he has not done since he was a baby) and we watched ‘So you think you can dance’.
Today is our 13th Wedding Anniversary and it would be such a nice present to meet these babies today. Jordan saw me talking to my belly asking them to decided to come out and he wandered over, lifted up my tee-shirt slapped my belly and screamed “COME OUT, COME ON, LILLY-RYLIE (he says their names as one name) COME OUT”.
I have another Osteopath appointment tomorrow morning and Thursday I have an appointment with the OB (Dr K) and an ultrasound. I’m taking it day by day and in some respects hour by hour. I would never have imagined that I would be feeling this low towards the end of my pregnancy.
I wrote a whole big post just before and decided to delete it because I was just beating around the bush and not really saying what I wanted to.
I’ve been talking to these babies every day but have now started coaxing them to decide to come out. Is it working? Who knows, all I know is that mentally and emotionally it is getting a lot harder to deal with this body.
I have this overwhelming feeling of guilt and I feel so very selfish. I’m not looking after Jordan or Tim, I’m only concentrating on meeting my own needs. I’m almost to the point where I’m begging my baby belly to please please just come out now.
I was home alone with Jordy yesterday and all I did was sit on my fat arse and literally put in DVD after DVD to entertain my son, as I CAN’T DO ANYTHING with him. I can’t get on the floor and play, sit down on a chair and play with cars, trains or trucks. He basically ate Toast and Teddy bear biscuits all day because I just don’t have the energy to prepare a balance meal for him.
I can see that he is craving my attention as he will come over and grab my hand and try to pull me up out of the chair. The contractions and just so hard to deal with along with a child that wants to play a little rough or wants you to crouch down and show that Cranky has yet again crashed. I hate that I’m pushing Jordy away and feel so guilty.
Every little twinge, contraction, movement, sensation that I feel has me constantly wondering…Is this is yet? I’m keeping all the pain, movements, and sensations to myself now and not telling Tim about them, because I hate it that I’ve become so obsessed with this delivery.
On Sunday there was a good 2 hours where I literally sat there feeling as though my lower back was going to break apart and I was secretly hoping that one of the babies had engaged. I decided to start sitting on towels just in case my waters break and am wearing a heavier pad.
Brought back a lot of memories, of when we were TTCing, checking the pad for any sign of AF, instead of AF I’m now checking for any sign of impending birth. It got too much for me on Sunday night and I burst into tears and just couldn’t stop crying.
Jordy came running out of the bath room to give me a hug when I stops dead in his tracks as he sees me crying. He was so concerned that his lower lip started quivering in response to my tears, his little hands were wiping my face all the while saying. “Why Mummy crying?”. How could I explain to him that I was wondering the whole day if I was going to have these babies and how disappointed I felt that every twinge was just a twinge, every contraction was FALSE fucking labour pains. Every sensation was just nothing and that I maybe feeling all these things for another 4 weeks.
So instead I just told Jordy that Mummy is a little sad and that Mummy was not angry with Jordy and that Jorday was a very good boy. I don’t think that I convinced him as he wouldn’t go to sleep, instead he was laid his head on me (which he has not done since he was a baby) and we watched ‘So you think you can dance’.
Today is our 13th Wedding Anniversary and it would be such a nice present to meet these babies today. Jordan saw me talking to my belly asking them to decided to come out and he wandered over, lifted up my tee-shirt slapped my belly and screamed “COME OUT, COME ON, LILLY-RYLIE (he says their names as one name) COME OUT”.
I have another Osteopath appointment tomorrow morning and Thursday I have an appointment with the OB (Dr K) and an ultrasound. I’m taking it day by day and in some respects hour by hour. I would never have imagined that I would be feeling this low towards the end of my pregnancy.
Tuesday, 6 January 2009
Here is the bucket....
Jordan has been ill with gastro a number of times, actually I’ve lost count but this is what you get from Child Care. We have an old ice cream container that we use to help in this instance and we call it the bucket. We ask Jordy if he is sick and “do you need the bucket”, he has now associated that bucket with vomiting.
Side bar: this hasn’t started out as a nice post but stay with me as I want to explain what happened yesterday.
As mentioned in my post yesterday I was home alone with Jordy and I was really trying not to push myself, however half an hour before Tim came home I was in a lot of pain. Not Braxton hicks or contractions but a cramp on my right side just below my belly button. I knew that it wasn’t practice or real labour as the pain was constant and did not come and go in waves.
As soon as Tim arrived home I went to lie down in bed to try to relax. With a 2 year old, firstly you don’t get any privacy nor quiet time. So Jordy came into the room and asked in Mummy was sick.
I tried to explain that I was in pain and just needed to lie down, but it was easier to say “Yes Mummy is sick”. He climbed up onto the bed and leaned over and gave me a few little kisses on the cheek and then rushed off.
The next thing I hear is Tim say “Where are you taking that?” and the reply “Mummy sick need bucket”.
My little helpful man ran off to get the vomit bucket to give to me to use as I was sick and needed the bucket, and then proceeded to show me how to use it and insisted that I give the bucket a go!
How cute is that?
I’ve been reluctant to take too much Panadol for the pain, but really needed to yesterday as it was coming up to an hour of suffering from the ligament cramp. 15 minutes after taking Panadol the cramp went away and “Mummy was all better”.
Side bar: this hasn’t started out as a nice post but stay with me as I want to explain what happened yesterday.
As mentioned in my post yesterday I was home alone with Jordy and I was really trying not to push myself, however half an hour before Tim came home I was in a lot of pain. Not Braxton hicks or contractions but a cramp on my right side just below my belly button. I knew that it wasn’t practice or real labour as the pain was constant and did not come and go in waves.
As soon as Tim arrived home I went to lie down in bed to try to relax. With a 2 year old, firstly you don’t get any privacy nor quiet time. So Jordy came into the room and asked in Mummy was sick.
I tried to explain that I was in pain and just needed to lie down, but it was easier to say “Yes Mummy is sick”. He climbed up onto the bed and leaned over and gave me a few little kisses on the cheek and then rushed off.
The next thing I hear is Tim say “Where are you taking that?” and the reply “Mummy sick need bucket”.
My little helpful man ran off to get the vomit bucket to give to me to use as I was sick and needed the bucket, and then proceeded to show me how to use it and insisted that I give the bucket a go!
How cute is that?
I’ve been reluctant to take too much Panadol for the pain, but really needed to yesterday as it was coming up to an hour of suffering from the ligament cramp. 15 minutes after taking Panadol the cramp went away and “Mummy was all better”.
Sunday, 21 December 2008
Love & Hate
If there are any infertiles still reading this blog, I would suggest that you don’t continue reading this post as I feel the need to vent about this pregnancy, but I also feel the need to state the positives.
Hate
This is what I hate about this pregnancy:
* I’m huge, my belly is just so big I’m finding it hard to do anything
* I can’t bend over anymore and pick things up and I’ve still got 7-8 weeks left
* I hate the crampy pains when I roll over in bed
* I hate it when I’m walking and I get a cramp
* I hate it that I can’t walk as much and would love to take Jordy for his morning / afternoon walk
* I hate it that I can’t get on the ground and play with Jordy, it is just too hard to get back up
* I’m hating the heartburn (although it is not as bad as it was with Jordy)
* I hate feeling so heavy
* I hate feeling so tired
* I hate the breathlessness and dizziness
Love
This is what I love about this pregnancy:
* I love knowing which baby is moving, our little boy is just as active as Jordan was,
* I love that Tim just gets up and helps with out having to be asked
* I love that I’m having twins and I feel very blessed.
* I’m really happy that this pregnancy has been relatively easy with no complications (so far).
* I love having more scans so that I can see the babies more often
* I’m lucky that most of my clothes still fit
* I’m excited about the babies coming and completing our little family
* I love it that I’m having a boy and a girl
* I love the support I’m getting from Tim
Overall
I’m actually relieved that this is my last pregnancy, we will not be trying for another baby as the risk for another set of twins is very high especially as it runs in my family and I've got my two boys and little girl, what more could I ask for?
I’m excited and looking forward to bringing the babies home, however I just know how hard the next 7-8 weeks are going to be. If I’m already complaining about how heavy I feel now then what will it be like when both of them are close to 2kg’s each?
I’m not “OVER” the pregnancy, not by far as these babies still need to bake a little longer. I’m just mourning the fact that I can’t do as much as I would like!
Thursday, 18 December 2008
Send Off
I decided to leave work earlier as appointments and other engagements were starting to pile up on me. Plus it didn’t effect the pay out that I would be receiving.
As there are a number of people leaving the department there was one lunch organised for all 4 of us, the turn was pretty big approx 50 people and it was good to see some of my old friends for other departments.
The only down side to the afternoon was receiving a phone call from Day Care saying that Jordy had been ill and could I please come and pick him up. Tim couldn’t sign off and pick him up and I was on my way a lunch that was partially for me. My Mum was not available and my MIL has no car seat.
In the end I was able to eat and say my speech which was rushed and I had received another call that he was really not well.
I felt bad for leaving so quickly but there is nothing I can do about a sick child. The good thing about gastro (yes there is a good thing) is that it only lasts 24 hours.
I requested that any gift being bought for my farewell be purchased for the babies. This is what I received:
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