Friday, 31 January 2014

Letting go of “How”

I mentioned that I am reading “The Magic” and I know that it is already changing my life.  Before I started “The Magic” I had read and watched “The Secret”.  My husband and I are adopting the messages received from “The Secret” and I know that our lives will forever be changed. In the 2 weeks since reading and watching “The Secret” we are more positive and happy.

I am so grateful for the life that I have.

We used “The secret cheque” to nominate the amount of money we want from the universe, which is great right? Yes it should be.  My problem is that I am trying to figure out “how” we will receive the amounts that we have nominated.  So what do I do?  I by a Powerball ticket, assuming that I will win the amounts. 

Instead of simply trusting in that the universe will provide.

I know that the universe will provide because it has in the past, when trying to conceive my 2nd pregnancy, I was at a cross roads.  I was unhappy at work and I wanted to have another baby in order for me to have a break from my previous employer.

But instead of looking for a job or rushing into fertility treatment, I took the time to ensure that my body and emotions were ready for a pregnancy with the help of another kinesiologist, most importantly I released my fears and let the universe provide.  What happened?  Well I fell pregnant with twins and I received a redundancy package that supported my family for a year.  The universe really did provide for me then.

So today dear universe I release the “how”, I know that you have provided me what I needed and I trust in you to provide what I want now.
I am open to receive all that you are putting in my path.

You know what we want because it is plastered all over my bedroom.

In the short term what I want is to have $10,000.00 by the 28th February in order to catch up on our bills.  I don’t know how this will be achieved and I will not speculate because I believe that the universe will provide.

Thursday, 30 January 2014

My list of dreams

I have started reading "The Magic" and here is my list of dreams (so far):


Health and body

I am 76kg and a size 12.  I am flexible and can touch my toes.  I am able to put nail polish on my toes with ease.  My hormones are in balance and I have a regular period.  

Minimal grooming of eyebrows is the thing that is only required. I have clear skin.  I am able to kneel down without pain. 

I am energised, light and have a bounce in my step.

Perfect eyesight
Perfect digestion
Perfect weight

Career and work

Here is my dream job description:
·         Senior Business Systems Analyst ( I truly love what I do)
·         Wage = $250,000.00 per annul
·         Working Full Time (flexible hours)
o   2 days at home
o   3 days in the office
·         I travel nationally and internationally for work once per quarter.

Money

We have $3,000,000.00

The money is distributed between Investment properties, investment shares, term deposit and cash.

Relationships
I am surrounded by love.  The relationships in my life are nurturing.  The people that are in my life want to be with me.

Personal Desires

We own are new house which is 29-30 Lansell Close Narre Warren South Vic 3805

We have 5 investment properties.  One for each member of the family.  60 The Boulevard in one of them.
We have a holiday house.


Material Things

I drive a new car, the Nissan x-trail.


We own a boat. 

Wednesday, 29 January 2014

Abundance

The only reason any person does not have enough money is because they are blocking money from coming to them with their thoughts. Every negative thought, feeling or emotion is blocking your good from coming to you, and that includes money. It is not that the money is being kept from you by the Universe, because all the money you require exists right now in the invisible. If you do not have enough, it is because you are stopping the flow of money coming to you, and you are doing that with your thoughts. You must tip the balance of your thoughts from lack-of-money to more-than-enough-money. Think more thoughts of abundance than of lack, and you have tipped the balance. 

Thursday, 9 January 2014

Frank Antal

You were more than my brother in law.  You were my brother. 

Rest in Peace Frank, you are now with Ildi my sister.

16/06/1958 to 9/01/2014

Friday, 20 December 2013

Ildiko Antal - My sister

3/10/1958 to 7/12/2013:

My Eulogy:

For those that do not know me my name is Maria and I am Ildiko’s younger sister.  When I received the shocking news that Ildiko had passed away, I couldn’t believe it Ildi was only 55 years old and she had so much life left to live. On that fateful day when I was driving over to see Frank and the girls I had an overwhelming sense that I would be standing in front of you all talking about my sister.  Ever since then I have been plagued day and night with random sentences of what I would say today.

Nothing could have ever prepared me to write this Eulogy, so I turned to the only source that could perhaps guide me on the appropriate words to say.  Yes I googled.  I was immediately bombarded with various examples and more information that I could handle.

In the past 2 weeks I have re-written this Eulogy many times even today, I started documenting Ildi’s life chronologically, but somehow that didn’t seem right.  I then started to a last letter to my sister, but that was not right either.

Instead I put on some Hungarian music that I know that she loved and let Ildi guide my fingers on the key board.

Firstly I like to thank all of you for coming here today and even though today is tragic and a day that we will never forget.  I hope that everyone here hold can hold their heads high. Ildi would have wanted us to celebrate her life and be strong for Frank and her two beautiful daughters.

I have so many wonderful memories of my sister.  My brother and I were indeed blessed to have an older sister like Ildi. Even though there was 17 years between us and she was married and moved away, she was still so much part of our childhood and she was always there for me. Like the time when Ildi used her day off from work to take me out for a fun day of shopping when I was having a difficult time at school.

Growing up I used to get teased that Ildi was not my real sister that she was my “half-sister”.  This would hurt me deeply because in my heart she was my sister, there was nothing half about it.  I was always so proud that I had an older sister and I idolised her. 

Ildiko lost her father tragically through a car accident at the tender age of 3, it would be 10 years later that once again her life would change drastically, when my mother remarried and she was adopted by my Father. 

At the age of 14 Ildiko immigrated Australia. As a shy girl that knew no English she started at High School at Camberwell High.  Our father told me that he will never be able to forget feeling guilty for having to leave lldi at school that very first day, I mean here was his new daughter being left at a school where she had no friends and did not speak the language, no wonder our father cried all the way back to the car.

This however did not phase Ildiko, she took every situation in her stride and met every challenge head on.  I believe that it was through her early childhood experiences that made her the strong woman that many of you came to know and cherish, I know I did.

Ildiko loved learning and she thrived at being a student.  Within 3 years of arriving in Australia, Ildi finished high school and commenced working fulltime at the Egg board in Port Melbourne whilst studying part time to become a Laboratory Technician and then she further studied to become a qualified Microbiologist. We should not have been surprised when Ildi after serving 25 years at Farm Pride Eggs she went back to school to further her education in a completely different field and fulfil her lifelong dream of becoming a nurse.

Ildi taught me that “There is never a stupid question, that you ask as many questions as you need in order to find the answers you are seeking.”  So I did, I asked my questions to help learn and grow as an individual.  Would you believe that at work I am known to always ask questions, to the point where recently I was told jokingly that I ask too many questions?

I learnt how to be an awesome mother from my sister.  I was 14 years old when Ellie was born and I think I almost lived there on the weekends.  I am still surprised that Frank and Ildi didn’t change the locks on me as I was over the all the time.  I learnt how to change nappies, feed, bath and care for a child.  More importantly I learnt how to shower a child with love.

To me Ildi was the poster woman for a Super Mum, she worked full time, raised two beautiful girls, had a life outside of work, knew what it meant to have work life balance, and eventually she studied part time.

I’m sure like most of you will always remember Ildi’s dinner parties. It was rare that a month go by where we didn’t go over to Ildi’s house in Ferntree Gully for dinner. I learnt how to prepare for an event, how play Gin Rummy and Hungarian Cards, and more importantly I learnt how to ensure that guests felt welcome and comfortable.

 We always knew that there would be a feast at Ildi’s and her cooking rivalled even our mothers.  But I always secretly looked forward to her Pavlova.  Ildi made the best Pavlova I have ever had.  Later in life after I had married and would host an event at my place and I would always ask Ildi to make her Pavlova.  How much am I going to miss that Pavlova!

I don’t want to paint the picture that our relationship was always rosy, every family have their difficulties and I can’t help feel robbed that the last 6 years of Ildi’s life we had become estranged.  A dear friend recently reminded me of this. We will never have the chance to bridge the gap in our relationship and this continues to fill me with regret.  However those differences and hard feelings do not seem important now as I know my sister loved me and I loved her dearly. Frank you were right things could’ve been a lot worse. 

Even through her death Ildi is still teaching me important life lessons, like family  and those that are considered as family are more important than any petty differences you may have. That living life with love and forgiveness of family, friends and oneself is better than holding onto the past. So I choose to remember Ildi the way we were in the photo’s that you will see, sisters, friends, family.

Was Ildi perfect? No she wasn’t, no one is and more importantly neither am I.  But she was the prefect wife to Frank, perfect daughter to our dear mother, perfect mother to her girls and a perfect sister to Joseph and I.

Will we miss her? Beyond a shadow of a doubt, she will be dearly missed.

It is cruel that Ildi was taken from her the love of her life Frank so suddenly and from her beautiful daughters.  Ellie, Tina, Ildi may not be with you physically on your wedding day, or when you welcome your children into the world.  But she will always be with you in spirit and if you need to see her then all you have to do is look in the mirror and see her within both of you.

Ellie, you have Ildi’s eyes, her strength.  Tina you have her flamboyant curious spirit.  Your mother is within you, and you will never be truly alone.

Goodbye my dear sister, may you rest in peace, look down from heaven above and know that you will forever be in our hearts.

Friday, 4 October 2013

Here I am

I made it to my weekend away; the cabin is exactly what I had imagined.

As I walked into this cabin I was greeted with Classical music playing over the surround sound system and a fire burning in the fireplace. A quick look around and I discovered the sunken spa bath. I then went outside and took a deep breath. 

I just finished my home cooked Chicken soup, one of my favourite DVD’s is on and a quick blog post then I will hit the tub. 

I have brought all the food I will need and I have no plans for tomorrow, as yet. Beauty about this weekend is, that it doesn’t matter what I do because this time is my own. 

Mari has arrived.

Tuesday, 20 August 2013

Avenue

*WARNING – Lots of swearing*

I just do not understand how this particular situation continues to reoccur. I have tried all other avenues of trying to let go but it just keeps on coming back. I hate feeling like this and I hate not being true to myself.

Logically I know that I can not please everyone and logically I know that I will not be liked by everyone.  The same goes for me, there are some people at work that are nice people and I can work with them but am not friends with.

I recently moved to the next phase of this project, I even asked / persuaded requested the move.  I was so excited about it, finally after over 2 years of doing things the wrong way we were finally moving in the right direction!  Finally I would be able to get back to the basics and do proper BSA work.

Day 1 I hit the ground running, I am all of a sudden invited to all the meetings, becoming involved in all the detail.  At that point my frame of mind was “I am a darn good BSA” and “They need me to complete this phase”. There were disagreements, there were heated discussions in the end we always reached a mutual outcome.

THEN…then…THEN Deepa comes back from Annual Leave and all hell breaks loose.  I have tried so hard….tried and tried and tried to get to know deepa on a personal level.  Tried to find some fucking common ground.  Tried to get to know her as a person…Why? To help build a better working relationship, as she is after all my line manager.

Nothing has worked, so before she went on leave I decided to be true to myself and continue to work as I have.  I get along with all these different people and even received multiple awards from this Client. 

Hmmmm

Mari – why the fuck does one person’s Deepa’s opinion matter to you??? Why the fuck are you trying so hard to impress her??

She is after all one fucking person.

I saw Daniela the other week and she said that Deepa continues to affect me because I have unresolved issues relating to my self-esteem and the fear of failure.  FEAR of FAILURE..

I am in my field; I am safe, loved and warm.  The field is in a valley and I am surrounded by snow caped mountains. The sun is shining and it is always beautiful here.

I walk slowly to the beam of pure white light; I take 4 deeps breaths before I walk into the pool of light.  I allow the purity to wash through me before I tackle this task.  I am centred and in my sacred circle.

Before me appears the people that I want to remove the physic hooks from.  They are protected in their own circle. I will all the hooks and lines to become visible there are so many.  There are just too many hooks to count coming from the people at work.  I start to remove them from my body and each time I remove a hook I say “Thank you for this lesson.  This is my energy and you are NOT entitled to it any longer”.  I say this over and over as each hook is removed.  When all the hooks are removed from one person and before I move onto the next I ensure that I allow the white light that surrounds me to heal the wounds of where the hooks were lodged.

That is when I move onto the next person and follow the same process over and over until I am standing alone completely healed and have no more hooks protruding out of my body.

I them move out of the beam of pure light and walk towards the middle of the field when I reach the centre I look down to find an orange deflated balloon on the ground.  I pick it up and then proceed to blow the balloon up.  Each time I breathe into the balloon I release a concept of FEARING TO FAIL.

F = FALSE – What is false, it is false that I am NOT a good working
E = EXPECTATIONS – having the assumption that I would be fired for making mistakes is stupid
A = APPEARING – I am seeing enemies everywhere I look and my perception are being skewed by my self doubt
R = REAL – I am making my own F.E.A.R.S manifest as I am putting too much pressure on myself.

I will not lose my job. 
I will not be fired from this Client not after almost 3 years if I make a mistake.
I will not fail at doing my job.

When there is no more F.E.A.R’s coming to my mind I tie the end of the balloon off and let it go.  The balloon floats up into the sky and is blown away.

I just need to remind myself:
·         I am the BEST (I have best in my surname after all seBESTyen)
·         I am an awesome BSA’s
·         I believe in myself
·         I believe in my skills
·         My intentions are ALWAYS positive

I may need to check in on these often to ensure that I am continuing to re-iterate and believe “fake it until I make it”