Just so that
I don’t confuse you, Mary and Maria in Hungarian are the same name; those that
are named Maria have a nick name which is Marika. On my birth certificate I am Maria, my family
call me Marika. Maria is a family name on my father side, my Grandmother, an
Aunty and her Daughter (my cousin are all Maria, but are known as Marika). My true
self however is Mari and that is the persona I choose to show the world. But in order to do that I need to heal
Marika.
This blog
post has come from yet another wonderful balance I had with Daniela this week.
It seems as though I am ready to take the next step in my healing journey. Yes I
cried… again. The thought that one day soon the real Mari will be shown to the
world one day soon is a little daunting. BUT it is time. Mari's time is
now.
But before Mari
can be revealed the past needs to be healed and let go, and this is where
Marika comes in. Marika has taken an emotional beating for too long. I am
grateful so grateful for the lessons and for Marika battling all those years.
Here is a
picture of me at 11 years old, I am on a train in Hungary and this is where it
all began.
I take the
hand of little Marika, she Maris a skinny wee little thing and she shaking with
fear. I lean down and hug little Marika and say “It is going to be OK, we can let go now, but before we can let go we
need to remember…”
Marika is in
Hungary, she travelled there with two friends and a mother. But essentially she
has been sent to her family by herself. Marika spends time with all her
Aunties, Uncles, Cousins, 2nd Cousins from her Dad’s side and her Maternal Grandmother.
She loves
all her family and enjoys spending time with each and every one of them. She is
proud that all these family want to get to know her. She is excited to be
staying in the house her father was born in, there is real. History there!
Marika especially
loves her Aunty Marika (Marika néni), as she introduced her parents and told
all the wonderful stories for her father’s childhood because they were closets
in age and shared a special bond. Marika néni was married to a wonderful man named
Lajos but little Marika knew him as Loli bácsi. The nick name was perfect because he was as sweet
as a Lolly.
Together they
indulged little Marika with treats and love. Imagine an 11 year old half way
around the world on her own and here she is hearing about her parents and
getting to know a completely different side to her father. How blessed was she?
11 year old
Marika would also spend time with her Grandmother (Nagymama) and whilst it was
wonderful it was also boring and filled with negativity. Nagymama did not like her Father and would
often berate him for taking her Daughter all the way to Australia. So as an 11
year old little Marika was subjected to nastiness about a father she adored.
During her
visit Marika néni had minor surgery and 11 year old Marika was to stay with Loli
bácsi nothing wrong in that right? Wrong.
Nagymama
rocks up on their doorstep demanding that 11 year old Marika come with her
right then and NOW because Loli bácsi was not family. She went onto accused Loli
bácsi of unspeakable acts that may
occur all in front of 11 year old Marika.
Nothing other
than complete love, gentleness, laughter and happiness ever occurred. This was a man that climbed into the attic to
retrieve his daughters doll house so that 11 year old Marika could play with.
This was Loli bácsi that made her laugh simply by his wonderful wit. This was a
man the treated little Marika like his own daughter.
There
was no choice in this situation other than little Marika leave with Nagymama
and be subject to more hatred and negativity.
Little Marika was scared though at the adult themes being introduced to
her.
That was the point in that that it all started it
was then that Marika started putting weight. It was then that she ate to hide
and protect herself. This little girl could not understand what was being
said. All her Father’s family spoke loving about her Mother. Yet her Mother’s
own Mum was so nasty. She was frightened.
Dear little Marika, it was wrong for Nagymama
to say those nasty things to you. It was wrong and a lie. She was just jealous
because Nagymama could see how much you loved Marika néni and Loli bácsi. This
was not your fault you were your true self. Love personified just like our
future daughter.
We need to forgive Nagymama because she knew
no better and she did what she thought was right.
Little Marika you no longer need to be scared
of the love you felt for Marika néni and Loli bácsi. You no longer need to hide
your true self. Nagymama attacked our Father because she was jealous of the
fact that our Mother had a better life. Nagymama didn't hate our Dad, not
really she was just unhappy with her life. She had four children, one in
London, one in USA and one in Australia the other lived in the same country but
rarely visited her. She was unhappy and lonely and selfish because she wanted
you all to herself. This was her issue and not yours.
Forgive and let go little Marika, it is time
you join back with to me (Mari) our true self.
Here
is a photo of what I looked like when I arrived home. At that time I remember constantly being
hassled because I had gained 6kg. At the
age of 11 I was already being teased and told by my family that I was fat....
do you see a fat child here? I don’t!