Intentions

I’ve just been chatting with Bugsy and I’ve made myself really angry. So angry in fact that I want to kick my arse from here to hell. What has made me so angry? Simply this:

I had all the good intentions of going part time at work to 'help' change my lifestyle. My plan was to go to deep-water aerobics in the morning, go home, shower and then plan my meals the coming week, then go grocery shopping. Instead I sometimes have a massage, most recently during my Fridays off I don't even leave the house.

I think that my problem is that I listen to too many people, when I previously lost weight on the Sure Slim diet, I went to normal water aerobics and I know that it helped me drop the 20kg. However this time around I’ve had the following said to me:

“Eat no bread, no sugar and no salt” K

“You can’t not have salt in your diet” GP

“Water aerobics is not enough for you to loose weight you need to only do land exercises” PT

“Sure Slim tells you to only eat three meals a day, I want you to have 5 meals.” PT

“You should be eating something every two hours to boost your metabolic rate” GP

“Eat nuts they are a good source of protein” PT

“Not all nuts are good for you, some like cashews you are eating are high in fat” GP

K = Kinesiologist
PT = Personal Trainer
GP = my doctor.

All these people at times contradict others, they are all meant to be helping me but I seem to be getting mixed messages. Could it be my fault that I’m too open with trying to get help and am seeking help from more than one person?

Well as of today it will all stop, I HAVE lost weight before and I will do it again my way. This time I am not going to talk about it with anyone else (other than my cyber buddies), not with the Konesiologist, Personal Trainer, my gp, my Sister or work colleagues. Everone has an opinion about what is and isn’t healthy to eat and what is and isn’t the right exercise.

I also think that I need to be really strict with myself, you know if I decide to eat Pizza for dinner then I have to pay some money or I have to do something I really don’t want to do. I will discuss this with Mimi tonight and see what he says. I bet his answer would be if I decide to have take-away for diner then I have to give him pleasure.

Side note: I’ve been give the go ahead to start Primolut today.

For Bugsy

I've never been tagged before but I'm happy to play here goes:

id•i•o•syn•cra•sy - a structural or behavioral characteristic peculiar to an individual or group. Write down 5 of your own idiosyncrasies, then if you wish, tag 5 people.

1) I always have to wash my hands before I get into bed. If I forget I will not be able to sleep until I do. Weird huh?

2) To fall asleep I perform a series of turns, I start on my back, then turn onto my left side, then on my right, then on my stomach to finally fall asleep on my righ side. If that all fails then I get up and go to the spare bedroom where I repeat the above mentioned exercise.

3) I have to have the window open when I'm asleep, no matter what time of the year or the temperature. Our bedroom needs to be cold, even now we are heating the house yet our bedroom door is closed with the window open.

4) I will not leave the house if my clothes or Mimi's clothes are not ironed properly. I even iron every morning. If Ellie and Tina are stay here they are not let out of the house with wrinkled clothing.

5) I don't know what my 5th one is, could an idiosyncrasy be that I must check certain blogs when I log onto the internet, even if it is for 5 minutes?

A while ago I mentioned to Bugsy the Christmas present I was making for Tina. A cross stitch that I bought back in March. Here is the photo of what it will look like once finished.




And here is what I've done to date




It was started in March but I did have a break for about a month and a half when I took up some knitting. This picture involves not only cotton stitches but metalic threads and beads. I'm up to the back stitiching and beading at the moment, I'm aiming to have this one finished by the end of August so that I can start Ellies Christmas presnet. Photo here:



They will both be framed by Mimi, Bugs I finally got around to showing you where I'm up to.

Dr New

I’m back from the appointment with Dr New who believes that I’m not borderline PCOS but definitely have PCOS. This is the whole reason why I have trouble loosing weight and why I don’t ovulate.

I’m being put back on Metformin, one tablet a day for 2 weeks to see if I still suffer any side affects. But if I do suffer then I’m to take something similar to Provera to start my period.

Dr New said that he will be personally monitoring my next Ovulation Induction cycle. Which is good news and I liked Dr New felt very comfortable with him.

I can’t help feel as though there was something missing, I think that I was expecting way too much. I’m sick and tired of my weight being an issue with trying to conceive a child.

In comes Mr Mas

We went a saw the naturopath Thursday night, I shall call him Mr Mas or Mas. What started out as an initial consultation for me being half hour to 45 minutes ended up being a 2 hour visit.

Both of us are taking herbs that I’m sure have deliberately been made to make you gag just by the smell. I’m on two different tablets, a tincture that is absolutely disgusting and flower essence. Mimi is on one tablet, zinc drops and a tincture mixture as well.

I have to write a full Medical history about myself, my mum and my sister and provide a Diet diary for a week. We are seeing Mas again on Thursday.

Do I hate my job?

Mimi seems to think that I hate my job, as I don’t want to be here. Last night as I was going to bed Mimi saw my face and guessed that I was thinking that I didn’t want to come into work today. That was true, it was exactly what I was thinking.

Then he says “If you are not happy with your job leave”. I tried to explain to him that it has nothing to do with my job, I don’t mind the travel (I travel about 2.5 hours each day). I like the people that I’m working with and I do get quite a bit of job satisfaction.

BUT, in the back of my mind I feel as though I SHOULD NOT be there anymore, I should be at home with my baby. But I couldn’t say that to Mimi. What I did say was that I really needed a holiday, time away from work. It has been over 2 years since I’ve actually had more than 2 days off work, not related to illness or during the weeks off after my many miscarriages.

Mimi and I are going on holidays soon, first week in August and it is so long over due that I still find myself not motivated to go into work. Just because I don’t want to be here right now, does that mean that I hate my job?

Geekdom

A few years ago I met a girl at my work that I thought that I would never really be friends with. You know the type, the really weird girl with bad dress sense that floats around the office dropping sarcastic comments that no one really understands.

But something about this girl drew me to her and I started chatting to her on the train rides home. I then found out that we had a lot of things in common. We both read Sci-Fi books, played the same PC games, loved the same TV shows and movies.

Then one day on the way home I was questioned as to how many PC’s we have in the household compared to people, either working or non working. At the time I think the ration was 4:2 PC’s to people. The reaction I got was one that I didn’t expect:
“Just as I thought…you are a geek” she said whilst nodding her head.

Now being Mari I took it the wrong way and was very hurt by that comment. “Me a GEEK…NEVER”.

But this person whom also labeled herself as a Geek, loved the label thrived on being called that, this person whilst in my life for a short time, touched it profoundly. I know that I’m not full a pledged Geek member yet, but I love this part about myself.

So my question is to the people that read this…do you consider yourself a geek?

Confession time

I feel that I must confess about a few things, the desire to blog about it is strong and won’t leave me.

I’ve lied, will I go to hell? Possibly; But I’ve lied to myself and it is the worst crime I can think of. I went to all the trouble to get a letter from my GP so that I could go to Part Time hours, took a pay cut. All with the intention that I would use that time for good and not evil.

Well I’ve been uber evil, I’m a sloth, I lie about the reason why I can’t go to the personal training sessions. I don’t cook, the No BSS diet is out the window. I’ve reverted back to the old me, all because I just can’t be bothered.

I haven’t lost weight, in fact I’ve put on 2kg’s, but what is really funny is that I’ve seem to have lost 10cm every where.

I didn’t want to go but I went to PT session tonight and will be going again on Thursday, I feel guilty, retched. This whole “break” from OI and TTC was so that I could concentrate on “looking after myself”.

The truth came out the other day on the way home, when Ellie and Tina are here I’m the FABULOUS Mum, I cook sensible meals, exercise and won’t let them sit in front of the TV. I’m actually really active. Yet when it is just the two of us I revert back to Evil Mari (my nickname). Take out, sloth, depression become my domain.

I finally admitted to Mimi that when Bobim did come I know that I would be a totally different person, but until then I really DON’T CARE. There it is out in the world. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT MYSELF AND I’M HAPPY WITH THAT!