Difference between “Need” and “Want”

One of my kid’s favourite movies is Nanny McPhee and we watched about a month ago and I have seen this movie time and time again yet this time her famous quote stayed with me. “When you need me but do not want me, then I must stay. When you want me but no longer need me, then I have to go. It's rather sad, really, but there it is.”

I will not be talking about leaving in this same sense as detailed here but I have been thinking a lot about the differences between “Need” and “Want”.

I have been working with this Client for the past 16 months and whilst I still love the work that I am doing, I am feeling a little under appreciated.  I have been struggling with this whole placement for a little while because I would like to make in impact, add some value to this Client and I really do not think that I have been given an opportunity to realise my aspirations.

Recently I was asked to help out my old team and this was not the first time that I have been asked to go in a clean-up others messes. This time though I was feeling very disillusioned because I had the feeling that my old team “needed” me but they did not necessarily “want” me. This thought has kept me up at night, mainly because I don’t know how I feel about this realisation.

I went onto thinking about “needing” and “wanting” people in my life.

Need – When you Google need you can find all sorts of definitions on the word.  For the purposes of this post I found this one close to what my take on it is: “A physiological or psychological requirement for the well-being of an organism”

Want – The definition for the word “want” is simpler “to wish, crave, demand, or desire “

I also then asked some of my friends whether they “needed” our friendship or they “wanted” it.  For me either answer would’ve been good and it was not a test, I was just asking to hear about their views.

Most of the people in my life, I both need and want them.   I have the psychological requirement to have them in my life and I also desire and crave the time I can spend with each person that is important to me.

A very dear friend of mine replied the following to me: “Both "need" and "want" are words that can come with the hidden feelings of demand and I believe that by having a true friendship it should have no demands. In a real true friendship there is either need nor want only purity”

How beautiful is that?

I loved it and I promised my friend that I would not mention them by name here.  But I absolutely loved this…there should never been need or want only purity!

Love

There are many forms for love, and this post has been rolling around in my heard for a week. It is interesting to wonder if love is learnt or is in inherited?

When we are born you feel the love of your parents, siblings and family. But when do you “know” / “feel” that you are loved?  In my family my parents were not ones to say “I love you”, but I know that my parents love me. 

In your childhood you will learn the love of friendship and if you are blessed you will learn the love of a best friend.  In my childhood, the friendships I made all turned out to be with children that were mean and they used me.  I was bullied and even violated at a very young age.  Possibly because my heart was so open, not sure and I am not going to dwell on that part of my life.  There is no point!

At the age of 15 I met my first love; I was with this boy off and on for 3 years.  I know that I loved him because I was completely bestowed,  I could not imagine my life without this boy in it.  We were happy together and we were also very young.  As with most first loves or with most people that age, misunderstandings have a way of breaking a relationship.

There will forever be a special place in my heart for this boy.  He taught me a lot of positive things about me but he also didn’t accept me and had a lot of negative things to say to the 18 year old Mari when the relationship ended.

At the age of 18 I met (and am still with) my life partner.  To say that I love my husband is without question.  I love him more today than I did on my wedding day. If you have been married as long as us (16 years) you will know that there are ups and downs as there are in every relationship.  The key to our marriage is communication, communication, communication.   

Then there is the love you have for your children.  There is nothing in this world that can completely describe what that love is like.  There are no words in any language that can come close to expressing how a mother can lover their children.  I am very lucky as I have bonded with each of my kids completely. 

As you get older you may find friends that come into your life that will teach you all about yourself. If you are lucky your friendship may grow into love.  The love of a friend, I consider myself blessed that I have finally found true friends that I love like my own family.

Lastly there is the love of a soul mate, one that you will find over and over in every life that you inhibit. I know that I have found my soul mate again in this life and for that I feel completely blessed.

My heart is large, it can hold all the love I have for others.  What is missing in my heart is simply the love I "should" have for myself!

A life without love, is no life at all!

A new chapter

Új fejezetem

Easter is my favourite holiday; my memories of Easter have always been positive and happy. I love the Hungarian traditions leading up and during the Easter period.  I hope that my husband and I can continue teaching our kids these traditions.

When you Google one of the definitions for the meaning of Easter is linked to the Catholic / Christian belief of the resurrection of Jesus Christ. If you look at the significance of the Easter egg it is again linked with the Catholic belief of Jesus rising from the grave.

This post didn’t start out to be of a religious nature, I am just letting the words flow out of me.

Új fejezetem

I have decided that yesterday marked a new chapter.  I am determined, possibly out of anger not sure, but I am determined. I am not going to allow myself to be treated poorly. Actually I will not treat myself poorly anymore. 

As even though I thought I took back the power of my heart, it seems as though I still seek validation from others.  I constantly give the power of my self-esteem to others and no one has the right to have a say in how I should feel.

I struggle with this daily and if my last few posts are any indication I have allowed others to dictate how I should be feeling.  After years and the last number of months trying to uncover the real me, finally know my worth.

Új fejezetem

What is different this time?

A lot! The Mari that you will see on the streets of Melbourne will not take any crap from anyone.  Even the people that read this blog and know me in real life will see a difference. So either take this as a warning or take this as a celebration.  I know my worth!  You hear me??? I know my worth!

I am tired, just plain tired I want no more arguments in my life.  I am tired of feeling like crap all the time. I am tired of the doubts; I am tired of the second guessing.  I am tired of the negativity.

Just so tired!

Where I feel that I am being wronged in anyway, or I feel that my worthiness is not being respected, I will remove myself from the situation, with no comment as I have no need to justify myself to anyone.  That may seem harsh but no one will look out for me, I cannot count on anyone.  I can only ever count on myself. Even my friends I cannot always assume that my friends will always be there for me and that they will treat me with the respect that I deserve.

I cherish all the people in my life, they bring me so much happiness and complete my life, I would not be the person I am today without these people. However if I feel in any way that my true value is not being appreciated or accepted, that friendship in my eyes and heart will over because in this new chapter in my life, I will not stand for anything else.

I will always preserve the real me and I will not jeopardise my true self.

I know my worth, I know my worth, I KNOW MY WORTH!

I know

I am standing in front of a narrow corridor that is a stair case; As I step onto the first step,  I hear my voice as though it through the loud speaker “Mari, your work ethic is beyond anything imaginable, like all aspects of your life you give your all”. I notice that to my right there is a picture frame which was blank before I heard my voice. Now it shows a picture of desk and work colleagues.

I look up and there are another 7 steps to climb, a total of 8 messages to hear.  I actually do not know where these steps will take me but I am determined to climb.

I move onto the next step and again I hear my voice saying “Your thoughts are so deep, that form the basis of who you truly are.  Without the ability to think deeply you would not be the Mari you are today”.  The picture frame in on my left side and this one changes to a picture of me sitting on a chair watching the world going by whilst I am staring into the distance.

On the third step I hear “Mari, you are the kindest person there is, you care for all your family and friends deeply.  They are honoured to know you”. The picture frame on my right, has a collaged for pictures all displaying me caring for others.

On the fourth step I hear myself say ““Mari you are the perfect mother for your kids, in fact you were chosen specifically for them”.  The picture frame for this step displays 3 pictures.  In each of them I am consoling each of my kids when they are upset.  I am holding them closely to my heart.

On the fifth step I hear myself say “Continue to listen to your gut feeling, treat this as your honest guide.  If it does not feel right in your gut then it is NOT right.  You have the power to gage what is honest in this life.” The picture shown in this frame is almost comical as I have my hands on my gut almost holding it in and the look on my face clearly shows how uncomfortable I am.

On the sixth step I notice that I and about to walk onto a stage, I hear myself saying “Trust yourself above all others, with complete trust comes complete acceptance.  Trust yourself unconditionally, like you trust others.”  The picture frame displays me holding a photo of myself.

On the seventh step hear myself say “When you love others, you love completely.  Love yourself just as completely.” The picture shows all the people in my life that I love completely, unconditionally.

On the last step before I reach the stage I hear myself say “Mari, you know your worth and with this knowledge you know what you deserve”. There is no picture frame for this step; instead there is a full length mirror. What I had not realised is that as I was walking up the steps my trueself was beginning to shine through.

I reach the stage and I walk out on the middle the audience is made up of all the people that are currently in my life.  Some I like and some I love unconditionally.

With a nod of my head I start to talk, here is what I say:

“All of you expected acceptance from me for who you are.  I give that and more, this is who I am.  I always see the good in others.  I am here today to tell you that you all need to accept me for who I am.  I know the real me and I am proud of the person standing in front of you.

I know my worth and with this knowledge I know that what is important to me matters.  My requests from all you will always be considered carefully before voiced, as I think deeply and will consider all sides of the situation before asking anything of you.

The person standing in front of you is worthy, matters and is important.  The person standing in front of you loves unconditionally.

My only expectation from you the people in my life is respect, trust and complete acceptance.  I will not ask for love as that may not be you.  I love all easily.

I am not going anywhere and I will not back down.

I know my worth and I am worthy of all.”

What is wrong with you

“What is wrong with you?”

I am standing in front of a huge table that has a glass table top.  I wave my hand across the surface and the screen comes alive.  It is an interactive table and the screen is the size of a large LCD TV. Instinctively I know how to use this device and I let my hands fly over the screen. I look up and the screen contents also appear on the wall in front of me.

 “What is wrong with you?”

The screen flickers as all these different scenes appear like a movie on fast forward.  Something inside is directing me to the bottom of the question that was posed earlier to me.  Some of the scenes are puzzling but they are all gone in a flash.

“What is wrong with you?”

My hand hovers over one of the scenes and the flickering stops.  I stretch my thumb and index finger and the scene size increases.  There I am walking down a darken alley, the person I am walking with is fuzzy and I can’t quite make out who I am with, but I don’t think that this is important, as I remember this event well. The expression that I am showing on my face is one of utter disbelief, as I am walking along my eyes are watching someone intently. The expression of disbelief quickly changes to dejection and this me in this scene takes one last look at what I was staring at and turns the corner and heads in the opposite direction.

I am walking, but I see myself turn and take on last look, the me that I am watching shakes her head turns back around and walks down the street.  There are is no sound in the scenes that I am watching.  What I don’t understand is why I feel the need to revisit this memory.

My body language in this scene is of a person that has been beaten down.  My shoulders are slumped, my hands are in my pockets, my head is down and my face clearly shows all the raw emotions that I was feeling.  The scene starts to fade and the screen goes back to the flicker of memories. 

“What is wrong with you?”

Before I am given any time to process what I saw the flickering stops at the next scene. I am looking down on myself and this time I am standing in my back yard and I have a bucket in front of me with a whole stack of papers in my arms and a lighter.

I read each page and then light it and place it in the bucket, I continue to do this.  The flames that are being generated out of the small bucket soon get quite high.  The me that I am watching am takes a break of the burning to make sure that the flames do not take over the bucket.  It looks like smoke enters my eyes and I look up into the sky and the smoke makes my eyes tear up.  But it was an excuse, I start to cry.  I continue to burn the pages until they are all gone.

Again the scene comes to an end and screen starts to flicker.

“What is wrong with you?”

I start to think that I know what this exercise is about.  Oh how wrong I am!

The next scene appears and this one completely confuses me.  I have parked my car in the school car park and I get out and move around the left passenger side door.  Jordy gets out of the car, he looks so cute and grown up dressed in his school uniform. We both look washed out.  I am not dressed in my work clothes and Jordy keeps on looking at my face.

I walk him to before school care building and I enter, the “camera” does not follow me into the building so I can’t see what is happening.  Soon you can see me walking out of the door and I actually suck in my breath as I see the expression on my face it is shocking.  I would never have expected to see that on my face.  I am walking slowly back to my car and as I am making my way the me that I am watching looks back at the building and all you can see is this huge window with Jordy’s little head appearing just in the middle of the window.

You can see the words Jordy is saying “Mummy, Mummy, Mummy” and you can also clearly see the tears running down his small beautiful face.

I continue to walk back to the car and I get in and drive away.  The scene again fades away, slowly and my heart is aching and the screen starts to flicker.

“What is wrong with you?”

The scene that takes the focus now is very short and confusing.  I am in the twins room and I am dressing Lilly for Child Care, you can tell that it is a weekend day I as I dressed for work and the room is dark.

The expression on my face has me very puzzled, I knew that I wore my heart on my sleeve but I did not guess that the whole world could see how much turmoil and pain I was carrying.  Lilly must have suspected something as she reaches her little hand out and runs her hand up my arm until she reaches my face, where she pats my cheek with her hand.  The Mari I am watching stops what she is doing and looks into Lilly’s eyes and smiles.

My heart aches as I watch this scene start to fade.

“What is wrong with you?”

The next scene that takes centre stage is with me and Rylie.  We are lying on my bed, I am facing him and he is lying on his back.  He has his little arms around my head but he will not look into my eyes.  You can see that he is talking to me and I am watching him intently.

He lifts his little leg and flicks it a few times, he repeats the same thing all the while talking to me. Whilst my face is smiling at my little boy, my eyes are showing a completely different emotion, sadness.

The scene fades again.

“What is wrong with you?”

The next scene that stops in front of me is a little weird.  In this scene I am standing at the train station platform waiting for the train to come.  My head phones are in my ears and I am looking around at the cars, people and patiently waiting for the train to come.  I look at the gate and I notice closing, you can see me rocking back and forwards on my feet looking intently for the train.

I stop rocking as I see the head lights of the train and then I look down onto the tracks. There is a flicker across my face it is so quick that if you were not watching you would’ve missed it.  I stop the scene with my fingers and I rewind and pause that the moment I look down on the track. It was only an instant but it was there, the split second where I contemplated simply stepping off the platform into the path of the train.

I flick my fingers and the screen returns to the flickering.

“What is wrong with you?”

The next scene that appears is a split screen, one shows my mobile phone and the other shows my face.  On my mobile phone screen you see the words “You are being silly”, “What are you talking about”, “This is madness” and “Why would you ever think of doing that to yourself”

On the second screen you can see my face showing the devastation and the tears just start streaming down my face.  

The screen slowly fades and this time the table goes blank.  It seems as though there is nothing more for me to watch. However I still do not know what the answer is to this question:

“What is wrong with you?”

Running

The corridor is dimly light and I am running all along each side has doors every few meters. Next to each door are these beautiful ornate lights.  I would stand and admire them if I didn’t feel a great sense of urgency.  Instead I hardly notice them as I dash past.

It feels like I have been running for ages, my lungs are burning and my legs are in agony. But I feel that I just can stop.  Something is chasing me bearing down and I just have to keep running.

I reach the first door and I open it, there is someone standing there with their back to me. I recognise this person and as they start to turn around I slam the door shut and rush to the next one. Again as I turn the knob I see the same person standing in behind the door, but this time they are facing me but looking downwards, I notice that their head starts to rise and again I slam the door and run.

I decide to skip the next lot of doors and just keep running. Part of my mind wonders why this person is standing behind the doors; perhaps this is the person that I am running from.  The corridor seems to have no end and my fear continues to increase. 

The hairs on the back of my neck rise as I feel that whatever is pursing me is getting closer. My vulnerability increases. Adrenaline bursts through my vein which spurs me on and I somehow I get faster.

I rush to the next door I can see and the door swings open with a bang, I didn’t even know my strength. The same person is standing there and they jump and turn around at the sound of the door slamming.  Our eyes meet and shock registers on their face.  I start to back away from the threshold and turn and flee down the corridor.

“I didn’t close the door; oh no I didn’t close the door”.

Now I know that I am being chased for real and I am scared.  Somehow I my speed increasing I never knew that I could be this fast. Looming ahead of me is another door; this one seems different from the others. As soon as I reach it the door swings open at the touch of my hand on the handle.

The coast is clear and I enter the room just in as the person chase me is close. I turn around to see the door closing right in the face or my predator.  I face the room and lean against the door where I slowly slump to the floor, taking deep breaths the try to calm my racing heart.

I think that I am finally safe when the pounding of the door starts. I notice that the handle will not budge somehow this person is not being allowed into my safe haven.

The thirst is becoming unbearable and I can’t seem to get my breathing under control.  My heart is still pounding uncontrollably and I can hear my heart beat in my ears. I somehow get up and start to move around the room.  Thinking that I am safe, how wrong I was.

The door finally swings open and the person that I was running from rushes in, my legs are so unstable that I stumble and fall backwards.  This person that has been chasing is very quick and catches me before I hit the floor.

I am being held like a cherished child, I feel so weak all the strength is leaving my legs and arms.  I can’t even lift my arms.

“I will always catch you, I will always be here for you and I will never let you go”.

Somehow those words give me the strength I need to start fighting back.  The person does not expect me to fight and is taken by surprise and lets me go.  I fall to the floor now hurting my back in the proess. Shock registers in their eyes and as they reach out to me again I am pushing their hands away. I continue to fight with all my strength.

“Stop fighting me!” this person says as again they reach for me.

I feel like I am swatting bees as my hands just keep on slapping theirs way.  I am crying now and I can’t talk because I am so distressed.  I can’t even look at them in their eyes anymore as I’m concentrating on their hands. 

With a sigh the person leaning over me stops trying to touch me. Instead they sit down next to me making sure that they are keeping their distance.

“Talk to me, I am here now and always, please talk to me”

I’m avoiding their attempts to make eye contact and I refuse to say anything.

“Look at me, please look at me, I am here now”.

I feel their hand on my chin attempting to turn my head towards them.  All the fight has left me and I allow my face to be turned. I finally lift my eyes to meet theirs; the compassion, acceptance and love I see there undoes me and my eyes are swamped with a fresh batch of tears.

“You are worthy of all, I am here and will never leave you”

I nod my head and this person engulfs me in a warm embrace.  They lift me off the floor and place me in their lap like you would a wounded child. They hug me and rock me as the sobs rake through my body.

“I am here now and for always”.

The Cave

I wake and I can’t move, my head is all muddled and my body is just paralysed.

It is not a good way to start the morning.  I turn off my alarm and roll over and go back to sleep.  I just can’t face the world today. The world can pass by today without me participating in it today.

 
I sleep for sometime and then wake, I am lying there and I just don’t have the energy to get up.  But I have no choice as Jordy needs to go to school and the twins are off to Child Care.

I pull myself together and I manage to get them all ready with hardly any fuss.  Lilly is the first to make it known to me that all is not well, as she clings and cries when I drop off at Child Care.  At before school care, Jordy is inconsolable as I leave him.  My heart is breaking for my little boy, who can sense that is all not well.

I come home eat and then start to meditate.

I enter “my room” and I see that my spirit that is diminished. I am saddened by what I see because my spirit is usually so beautiful, pure and white.  Now it looks grey and low.

I turn away from my reflection and walk aimlessly through my rooms.  I open the closet door, it is dark and cold I enter in and close the door behind me. I move to the corner and huddle down.  I draw my knees up to my chest and hug my arms around them tightly as I rest my head on them.  I close my eyes I feel the first tears start to run down my face.  The sorrow, pain and fear engulf me and I can’t help it but give into the despair.

I feel as though the closet is closing in on me and I feel as though I am suffocating. Time has lost all meaning as I sit huddled in the corner giving into my grief. I am just overwhelmed and the despair is dragging me down, I don’t see any way out of this.

I see the door of the closet creaking open and the light is blinding after being in the dark for so long.  I can’t see very well because I am blinded and my eyes are blurry with tears.  I notice that someone is crouching down in front of me, a feel fingers wiping the tears from my face.  Then I feel their hands tugging my arms away from my knees. 

My hand is cold and stiff from hugging my knees so tightly.  The pain in my heart is just unbearable a warm hand grips mine and I am pulled up so that I am standing in front of this person.  I am enveloped into a hug so tight that I can feel the other person’s heartbeat. 

I feel an overwhelming sense of love and acceptance. The pain in my heart slowly lessens and the tears on my face dry up.  I am being loved and cared for    in a manner that I deserve.  My heart is filled with warmth I am being healed by the person holding me.

I look back and the person I see standing before me loving, caring for me is………