Last Thursday I went and saw both the Kinesiologist (J) and the GP (Dr K) many things were discussed with both of them. I felt much better after seeing J all empowered and my fist were up and I was ready to take on my weight issue and infertility. Come on, bring it on! Then my world comes crashing down to reality, I’m still NO Closer!
During my meeting with J she said that there was a deep fear within myself that was somehow hindering me having my Bobim. Fear…hmph what could I be scared about? I lay there thinking that maybe I was scared that I would be a bad mother? No that wasn’t it.
I was then asked, “What would happen if you never had a child?” With that question it seemed as though she had turned on a tap, I could not stop crying. This was it, I was scared that I would never have a child and thinking about it now it is true. I’m terrified that I will have my Bobim and that all the injections in the world will not help me.
J then asked me what is my life purpose, what would my life be like with out a child? All I could say after sobbing and blubbering was “But I want one”. J then said that she knows that I want a child but I need to prepare myself for the fact that I may never get the chance and what would I do with my life.
Now I don’t know if I believe her but J said that if I don’t let go of my fear then it will never happen and that I have to find my life purpose. “Find my life purpose” I thought “how the hell am I going to do that?”
My homework for the next 3 weeks is:
* Love life
* Find out what my life purpose is
* Love, care for and guide myself
* Stand up for myself (whole other post)
* Be more strict with my diet (No BSS)
* Let go of my fear of never having a child
* Stop worrying
I have no clue how to go about doing most of the above, how do I stop worrying? How do I let go of my worst nightmare? Do I just accept that I may never have a child and then it will happen? Will letting go of my fear make my periods more regular? I have a medical reason for why I can’t conceive naturally I don’t ovulate.
I just don’t understand how being grounded, balanced and loving life and finding my purpose in life will help my ovaries produce eggs and then help me keep a pregnancy?
I also am pissed off…and have started the Why game…Why is it that I have to do all this stuff, yet some fall pg at the sight of a penis. If anything I feel right this minute angry damn fucken angry and extremely resentful. I’ve coped well enough up until this set back. I had decided to take a break for AC and work on my weight and at least get the ball rolling. But finding your life’s purpose just seems that it will take so long. I hate who I am right now as I don’t want to feel resentment it is not a positive feeling.
Wednesday 30 March 2005
It's all about me
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Hi Hun.
ReplyDeleteExcuse my french but to me that seems like so much bullsh$t! "Finding your life's purpose?" - how the heck is that going to give you a baby? How do we know if anyone has a lifes purpose? We are born, and we live and survive and hopefully reproduce and then we die -That is our life's purpose - to survive. We are just another animal on this earth with the same instincts.
I agree with the other stuff, and just maybe your fear of being childless is subconciously preventing your body from conceiving - who really knows.
BUT - working on that fear, I believe, only serves to help you mentally in later years IF the fear is realised. Which for you, me dear, is a waste of time because you WILL get your baby.
Don't give into the fear hun. Ask yourself what you think you need to do, to hear, to see.
I just saw red when I saw that crappy crappy question "what is your life purpose?" - my answer would have been "F off - my "life purpose" since you asked - was to be a MOTHER!"
Sorry for my long rant - I am very hormonal, and I hate it when I see my friends hurting.
Good luck with the WL. I hope you do better than I am at the moment.
Yes 1st diet then air-robik swim exercise long slow walk and be happy plenty of sleep and if you need a shoulder to cry on IM always HERE FOR YOU!!DAD
ReplyDeleteSweets - has anyone told you that you have a lovely Dad? His comment made me cry. I so miss my Mum and Dad. It is times like these I feel so cheated that they died so young.
ReplyDeleteSo big hugs to your Dad. (and to you too).
I hope you are doing okay. Take care sweetie.