Photography

I told you I had a lot to catch you all up on...OK this is my last post for the day and i will make sure to post more often.

When I was at home with Jordan I dreaded going back to work. The lack of funds set me back earlier than I expected and whist I truely enjoy what I'm doing I don't enjoy the travel. This is why I'm kind of branching out into the invitations as a side thing. But it is slow going.

What I would really love to do is Photography, I wouldn't mind doing wedding occasionally but I want to mainly focus on family. I envy some of the website's that I've seen, I envy the equipment that they have and their skill. I've tried taking more photo's and trying to capture that special something that make you sigh when you see a photo...I think that I captured it here with Ellie walking Jordy.

If I were to give this photo a title it would say: "A special cousin bond".

What do you think?

Pictures I never thought I would have

We recently went on a family weekend away down the Great Ocean road to Apollo Bay. The weather was beautiful as well as the company.

Whilst Tim went off fishing and doing his thing I took Jordy down to the beach and just sat there watching him. My heart nearly burst and I was so overwhelmed, I still can't believe that there are still times that I'm in shock that I have a child (can't call him a baby anymore).

All that time though IF all the waiting all the tears, stress and worry were worth every moment see sand in between my sons toes (and shorts and nappy). Still even saying the words "My son", sends my heart fluttering.

All worth it

I had a dark time in my life way before infertility (if only I knew then what I know now). At the time Ellie was my Angel, she was a toddler then and couldn't really talk. But her unconditional love get me from going to the dark place and she kept me here.

It is so rewarding to see her relationship with Jordan, they too have a very special bond, they play and fight but they also love each other unconditionally, she is the only one that can get Jordy to sit still on the little stool to brush his teeth.

The truth?

I worte the above post on the 1st of October and posted it on the 12th. The folate bottle is still on the kitchen bench untouched. I still haven't started taking it, there is something holding me back.

What is it?

My old friend fear!

I'm terrified and honestly I don't think that I have the strength to face it just yet.

I look into Jordy's eyes, his beautiful blue eyes the same colour as my Mimi's and part of me wonders how I could not start trying to conceive. Then I think that I'm being very selfish for not wanting to give Jordy a brother or a sister.

The fear is holding me back and until I let go of that fear then I'm kind of in limbo. Every day I ask myself and I think about the whole process. I start remembering the good and bad times of Jordan's pregnancy. My mind goes in circles...do I dare to face fate again?

Right now the answer no..I can't just can't do it yet. Not yet.
Then the next minute it is why not tempt fate again!!!

I won't answer my questions of when? Today and I know that I have a lot of soul searching to do befofre I finally make the first step.

Mocking me in the dark?

Staring out the kitchen window whilst my hands are emerged in soaping dish water, I stop and watch my dogs antics of trying to catch a fly. Running around with is pink tongue hanging out bouncing around in our small back yard.

Jordan is asleep and it is quite in the house, this is the time that the whispers start. I finish what I’m doing and glance up at ‘the’ cupboard with a frown. The whispers started a while ago, quietly mocking me when ever I’m in the kitchen.

With a deep sigh I finally decide to acknowledge the reason behind the whispers and as I approach the cupboard my heart starts race, I pull a chair over and stand up. All the while staring at the doors, the whispers are louder and although I can’t really catch what they are saying, I just know deep down that they are somehow mocking me.

I reach out and open the doors; I’m greeted with the faint smell of herbs that is related to the Pharmacy. I push aside the Baby Panadol, Nuerofen, old bottles of cough mixture, thermometer, vitamin bottle and old prescriptions.

I can hear the faint sound of giggling and high pitched chatter, like little pixies talking excitedly of their next adventure. I’m greeted with the bottle that I had deliberately placed in the far dark corner, the label is not facing me, it is turned away almost like in shame or disgust.

As quickly as possible I reach in a grab it, step down off the chair all the while clutching the bottle in my hot little hand. The bottle is burning me and I start to shake, I’m filled with an overwhelming sense of dread and excitement in the one breath.

I set it on the bench and just look at it, I can’t stop the thoughts they are flashing through my mind. The memories, feelings associated with the little brown bottle that has a pink label on it, come flooding back.

Part of my mind reels at the thought of stepping back onto the road that I left for others to walk along. Do I dare to walk that road again? All that heart ache, the waiting, how long will it take again? All these questions and more bombard my mind.

I hear a stir in the other room and go and fetch Jordan. When I walk back into the kitchen with Jordan in my arms I calmly, open the bottle and pop a tablet into my mouth. I swallow the folate tablet, Jordan smiling, giggling and looking at me with his beautiful blue eye. Taking the tablet marks the first step back on the road of trying to conceive.

Feet

This is a silly post, but I really want to get back into bloging as I miss it.

I have a foot phobia, I hate that part of my body…hate despise it. You know those commercials where all you see is the foot rubbing under the white blanket, how it is meant to illustrate the romance and hot steamy sex the couple are having?

Well that would never happen in my bed as I can’t stand anyone’s foot being close to mine. I will literally freak out, even in an accident at night I will wake in a cold sweat. My brother used to torment me with his feet placing them an inch away from my face all along saying “I’m not touching you!” I still shudder from the thought!

There are still times when Tim will chase me around the house trying to touch me with his feet…saying “here comes stinky feet”, childish I know!

All this fear until, I had Jordan’s feet to play with, now I know that one day they will turn into the things that I despise, but right now I can’t get enough of them. They are always in my hands and I’m always tickling them. After a bath they always get a rub and loads of kisses.
While the weather here is starting to warm up I decided to take Jordy out side to walk around one the grass and I just loved the look of our feet in the grass, so I took a photo to remind me in years to come that at this moment I cherish his feet, but most of all it is to remind me of how blessed I am.

Remember Blessings

This post may seem appropriate given the day and it has been rattling around in my head for a week or so. But before I get to this gist of this post..here is a quick update:

******Update******
WORK
Back at work, and whilst I felt so guilty about leaving him and hated where I was placed. I’ve worked through these issue and am happy, actually happy. The extra money helps and stress of finances has lifted and I get to have some me time during the day. I spend more time with Jordan than I do at work which suits me. The work part of it is great, new challenging, it was not something I wanted to do and even tried my hardest to get out, but it seems that I’ve been put there for a reason and who knew that I would enjoy it so much?

QUEENSLAND
No news yet, it is just a matter of waiting. In the meantime we are slowly getting the house ready.

JORDAN
He is now sitting, my little man with two teeth is sitting and he is such a happy baby. He may not crawl yet and he may not be as active on the floor but he is happy and I’m not going to push him.

/-----End Update------/

I have completed the PND group sessions and meet some wonderful caring people who get me and my situation. There is nothing like having someone who just gets you.

In the last session we were asked to choose a couple of cards that reflect what we had learnt. I choose “Being Thankful” and “Remember Blessings”.

I’m deeply thankful to the counsellor for not letting me go, after seeing the Phycologist I thought that I was fine, over the hurdle, passed the issues I was having. In reality I was deluding myself. I was not “depressed” perse it was hard not to control the negative thoughts, feelings of inadequacy and recognising when it was getting too much.

I’m thankful for opening my eyes to reality that I was most likely suffering from anxiety and depression during the pregnancy. I can remember hyperventilating on the tram to work one day as I just didn’t want to go there…that was a sign and sign to slow down and a sign that I missed because I didn’t know better.

Remember blessing is to simply remember that I have my baby, my wonderful boy that brings so much love and laughter to my life. I sometimes stress about meeting his needs and being the “perfect mother” when I just need to remember that I have been blessed with this gift and to just cherish it. Jordan won’t know that he does not have the latest Pumpkin patch outfit…but he will notice and miss the time we play together.

I also need to remember that I almost died and I need to remember that I was blessed with a second chance. I came so very close and ignoring what happened to me is being stupid. I won’t dwell on it but I need to remember that someone..be it God, the universe or mother earth would not let me go. I am here for a reason and it is not to be some negative thinking, doubting blubbering mess. I have more to give and more to learn…there is just more.

So after just a short 8 weeks I feel like a different person and for it to last like this I need to work at it.

Catch up

Bugsy asked the hard question the other day…How are YOU doing?...it took me a few days to get enough courage to write about things but the answer to that question is that I’m OK…if I take it day to day I’m ok.

I can now come clean with everything that will be happening as most of my family knows and those that have not been told do not read this blog.

Work

I’m going back to work…I don’t want to and it took me a good week and a great counselling session to work through all the anxiety. I am ok with it now and even looking forward to it.

Living from pay to pay is not easy, living on such a strict budget is also very tough. So the extra money will help for the moment. Initially I will be back 3 days a week and Jordan will be spoilt with the care of both his Grandparents. 2 days my mother will be looking after him and the other Tim’s mum will be looking after him.

I’m still trying to get an understanding for when I will start…work does not know this but it will only be for a short time….3-4 months and the reason for this…we are moving to Queensland.

Queensland.

Tim has been given an opportunity that we just can’t turn our backs on. He will be changing jobs and we will be starting our own Business. The earning potential is significant…very significant and if we play the financial game right this opportunity will set us up for life.

It will give us a chance for the life we have always dreamed off….I would be able to be a Stay at home Mum, I could work part time. The pressure will be off me to be the Bread earner…Tim will be taking on that role. But the down side is that we need to move to Queensland for minimum of 5 years.

My mother was snooping the other day and found the many lists I have going regarding this venture…I needed to start writing lists just to survive the anxiety. Whilst they are upset that we will be going…they recognise it is an opportunity that you just can’t give up.

The plan

When everything is ready to start, Tim will be heading up to Brisbane first whilst I work off the 3-4 months, in the meantime we are busy packing the house and getting it ready to rent out. The first few months of the venture will be really hard but I’m planning on moving in with my parents with Jordan after the furniture is sent up….at least that way I will not be too lonely and we will be taking it turns to visiting each other on the weekends.
Since the end of January we have known about this opportunity but I really couldn’t talk about it…as we were deciding “If” we would be doing it. Now it is just a matter of “When”.

PND

There are still some really tough days and as you can imagine with such a big huge life decision being made and a baby to look after…you can understand why at times it can be a bit too much (well I hope that you an understand).

The hardest part of having Post Natal Depression is that I’m also infertile…there is already guilt about having a healthy live baby…while still there are so many in the trenches struggling. Then there is the guilt of being Depressed with a healthy living baby…but I have learnt that it is ok to feel this way.

It is getting better, I’ve spent a lot of time talking and working on things and keeping negative people out of my life and it is working. There are still people that I can’t avoid but I can choose how I deal with them and most of the time it is just to walk away.

It is hard to explain how things are…so I will give you an example…the other day for Jordan’s 6 month check up the Mother & Child Heath Care nurse mentioned that Jordan’s weight for his height was in the 25th percentile and it was said in an informative way…not condescending just letting me know (his length is 69cm and weight is 7.7kg), now even weeks later there are times when it creeps into my head that he needs to put on more weight and his is too skinny.

I take something that is innocently said and my mind turns it into something negative and relating it too my bad mothering skills. Now whilst I know that he is NOT underweight…and I KNOW that he is healthy…my mind likes to make it out that I’m the worst mother ever to walk this earth.

But I have learnt and it is even so very hard to write these words…but I’m starting to believe that “I am a great mother”.

Happy 6 Months

Dear Jordan

Recently I've been so aware of negative comments. I grew up with negative comments, even the other day I was trying to show Papa something outside and all he could comment about was how dirty the furniture was outside. It is outside furniture...for a reason. Even though you are 6 months old I am concsious of what I say to you as I don't want you to have low self esteem like I did (and still do).

The other day at your cousin's Birthday party I heard a mother saying to her little girl...that she was the only child making mess and to stop being such a pig. Now the little girl may not fully understand the words, but she would understand the tone. This little scene just re-enforced my 'protectiveness' against negativity. I personally didn't see anything wrong with the mess, we were outside there were many kids crawling around and clothes can be washed.

I don't want you to get the impression that there is anything negative to say about you...as there is not...you could sleep more during the day...but you don't that is just how you are. Comparing you to the other kids in our little mothers group, there are things that they do that you are yet to master..like sitting properly and crawling. But you will get there in your own time, and I know for sure that you do things that they don't do yet....like talking...you are very vocal each week you work on a new sound...this week it is DARTH VADER sound...so cute.

I'm trying really hard to stop the circle of criticsim as still to this day even a look from my mother can almost make me start getting nervous and anxious.

You are a baby who is learning things, there will be mess and mess can always be cleaned up. There will be spew (oh how much spew) but we can always change our clothes and wash them. Noise you are learning how to bang things and I sit there right with you and bang away. Why not it is fun!

We have mastered a lot together and worked out how things are just right for us, but there are still times when we make mistakes and I'm for ever worrying about your little feet getting cold...or you feeling cold.

I'm just about to pop open your next bottle...so here is to your next 6 months...let us hope that there are more smiles, giggles and laughter than tears for the next half year.

Love you with all my heart
Mummy

Stuff

Be careful what you wish for....there are things that maybe happening...things are being discussed that may..just may give us what I wished for...a chance to escape....but as it is just talk I'm not wanting to say too much.

Other than the above we are doing just wonderful...life at times still throws me for a sixer...I'm still in awe of my son...my lovely beautiful son.

Hopefully I will have more to tell you all about the thing that maybe happening.

Family stuff

I really don’t know where this post is going but bear with me as I shift all through my thoughts.

I don’t know if others do this, but when I’m shopping and I see something a family member or friend likes, I will either buy it for them or ring / text them about it. It is just how I am. I could be classed as a people pleaser or a suck, I don’t know. I’m so used to doing this that I’m shocked when this consideration is not returned to me.

Reading back over that last sentence makes me sound like a prig. But let me paint a picture (if I can). A while ago there was a really good sale on nappies, and whilst I was there I called my SIL to see if she wanted me to pick up some for her…you know it was no trouble for me I was already there had a trolley and everything and she could just pay me back…no sweat. I felt good for doing this for her, I got nothing out of it but it felt good to help. Situation was reversed and there was no phone call from her and I missed out on a good bargain, I felt hurt and cheated.

Another time I noticed that the baby formula we both use was on sale, again I called to see if she wanted me to pick her some up…no she gets it cheaper than what I found…I was dumb founded…why was nothing said earlier? Why not share a bargain found?

I was so frustrated that I voiced my frustrations to my MIL, saying that why would someone not share or consider someone else…you know when shopping you see something that I like and you call me up and ask if I would like this/that or the other….when these words were out of my mouth I realised…that NO ONE…NO ONE has ever done this for us, not even my mother. I felt so stupid and Tim said that I should stop thinking of others and that I should just concentrate on myself and our little family. But this would be changing part of my core self, which I’m not all the comfortable with and I do it ALL THE TIME.

Just the other day on the way to a baby change room I saw a pair of shoes, that I knew Ellie would like…and instead of just forgetting about it, I actually went in and checked the price and if they had her size.

Question for YOU there…reading this…should I change or stop doing this?

There has been so much…so much drama happening …so much and it is just too much. After another gruelling telephone call, I was ready to spit chips or punch something…anything, the anger was so overwhelming. As I joke Tim turned to me and said, “how about we move to Perth?” without a second thought I said “Let’s do it!”. In that moment I just wanted to run away, leave them all behind…concentrate on us. It was said as a joke and often after a distressing phone call you can hear me mumble “Well maybe we should just move to Perth”.

I have to wonder when this mantra will turn out to be reality…if ever and I don’t care if it looks like I’m running away…hell give me new sneakers as I want to bolt.

I admire my cousin and his wife for moving here from Hungary, they left that drama behind so very courageous and brave. I just seem to turn around and deliberately say…bring it one…I need some more…cause I just can’t seem to say…that it is all too much…why do I let them walk all over me?

Mothers Group

I'm surrounded by disgustingly FERTILE mothers in this group. But...but I love them and I'm amazed at how well we all get along. Initially we were 12, but have now gone down to 10, out of the 10 babies, there are 4 boys and 6 girls all born in a month of each other.

You know that this happens, when you get a group of women together that have babies, the questions of pregnancy, birth and family start. It is natural to be curious about your friends. All know that it took us a very very long time to concieve Jordan. But what was most interesting (and I haven't come across this is a long long time) they were not careful or walking on egg shells to tell me how quickly they fell pregnant and instead of feeling hurt and rage at the injustice, I felt NOTHING. Yep nothing, one lady said it took her roughly 3 days to fall pregnant and I steeled myself agains the feelings of horror, but they didn't come.

What is with that?

Maybe I'm growing more mature in my "old" age (I've never been part of a group where I'm mostly older than the others...I'm usually the youngest...hence the "old"), or maybe I'm not so sensitive about pregnancy as I was when trying?

MIA

I know, I know, been missing in Action.

Christmas this year was special, but surreal also. I could not have imagined the mix bag of emotions I felt when we finally decided to put up the Christmas tree. The Infertile in my was screaming with horror at the sight. As I was putting the decorations on, I thought of all my blog friends whom recently suffered losses and BFN's, most of these ladies would be sufferring through the Holiday season, like I had sufferred. So I stuck names on some of my decorations, you couldn't see the names but they were there.

I also deliberately didn't want to blog about how happy our Christmas was, because when I was on that road I didn't want to read those sort of things. So instead I kept away.

New Years day when I woke, I didn't pray for me. I have my little miracle, I prayed for all my friends whom are trying for a baby. Whether I know them in real life or through the pc. I prayed for BFP's, health pregnancies and safe births, but most of all I prayed for no more pain for these people.

May 2007 be filled with babies!