Tuesday 23 October 2007

The truth?

I worte the above post on the 1st of October and posted it on the 12th. The folate bottle is still on the kitchen bench untouched. I still haven't started taking it, there is something holding me back.

What is it?

My old friend fear!

I'm terrified and honestly I don't think that I have the strength to face it just yet.

I look into Jordy's eyes, his beautiful blue eyes the same colour as my Mimi's and part of me wonders how I could not start trying to conceive. Then I think that I'm being very selfish for not wanting to give Jordy a brother or a sister.

The fear is holding me back and until I let go of that fear then I'm kind of in limbo. Every day I ask myself and I think about the whole process. I start remembering the good and bad times of Jordan's pregnancy. My mind goes in circles...do I dare to face fate again?

Right now the answer no..I can't just can't do it yet. Not yet.
Then the next minute it is why not tempt fate again!!!

I won't answer my questions of when? Today and I know that I have a lot of soul searching to do befofre I finally make the first step.

Friday 12 October 2007

Mocking me in the dark?

Staring out the kitchen window whilst my hands are emerged in soaping dish water, I stop and watch my dogs antics of trying to catch a fly. Running around with is pink tongue hanging out bouncing around in our small back yard.

Jordan is asleep and it is quite in the house, this is the time that the whispers start. I finish what I’m doing and glance up at ‘the’ cupboard with a frown. The whispers started a while ago, quietly mocking me when ever I’m in the kitchen.

With a deep sigh I finally decide to acknowledge the reason behind the whispers and as I approach the cupboard my heart starts race, I pull a chair over and stand up. All the while staring at the doors, the whispers are louder and although I can’t really catch what they are saying, I just know deep down that they are somehow mocking me.

I reach out and open the doors; I’m greeted with the faint smell of herbs that is related to the Pharmacy. I push aside the Baby Panadol, Nuerofen, old bottles of cough mixture, thermometer, vitamin bottle and old prescriptions.

I can hear the faint sound of giggling and high pitched chatter, like little pixies talking excitedly of their next adventure. I’m greeted with the bottle that I had deliberately placed in the far dark corner, the label is not facing me, it is turned away almost like in shame or disgust.

As quickly as possible I reach in a grab it, step down off the chair all the while clutching the bottle in my hot little hand. The bottle is burning me and I start to shake, I’m filled with an overwhelming sense of dread and excitement in the one breath.

I set it on the bench and just look at it, I can’t stop the thoughts they are flashing through my mind. The memories, feelings associated with the little brown bottle that has a pink label on it, come flooding back.

Part of my mind reels at the thought of stepping back onto the road that I left for others to walk along. Do I dare to walk that road again? All that heart ache, the waiting, how long will it take again? All these questions and more bombard my mind.

I hear a stir in the other room and go and fetch Jordan. When I walk back into the kitchen with Jordan in my arms I calmly, open the bottle and pop a tablet into my mouth. I swallow the folate tablet, Jordan smiling, giggling and looking at me with his beautiful blue eye. Taking the tablet marks the first step back on the road of trying to conceive.