Did the unhooking work?

I am not sure that it did as I am filled with rage that I just can’t control.

See in my mind I need to figure out what is wrong in order to fix it.  This is just the Analyst in me coming out; it is why I am so suited to my job.

Anger seems like such a pissy weak word compared to how I am actually feeling.  When I hear the word RAGE, I imagine those cartoon bulls foaming at the mouth, steam coming off their coats and when they are panting steam / smoke is blown through their nostrils.  The bull’s eyes are full of hatred and red.  The animated bulls face is horrific to look at.

Yep that image of rage is exactly what I am feeling and what makes it worse is I do not know why and I NEED to know why so that I can fix it.

I have my suspicion as to what could be causing this rage and it is either related to the “unhooking” or I am suffering PMS which means my period maybe coming on soon.  My gut says it is my period and not the unhooking because when I read that post I feel a sense of peace.

Those that see me at work will not have any clue that this is what I am feeling as I tend to hide my true self from the outside world.  Those that are close to me like my husband, kids and friends may feel the full impact of this rage.

I lose control easily over small insignificant reasons, for example my daughter has a bad habit of scratching a sore on her face whilst sleeping.  Before going to sleep I went into the twins’ room and noticed that once again she had scratched her face so much that her pillow was covered in blood.

I picked Lilly up and started scolding her so much that she started crying. I brought her into my bathroom and continued to berate her while washing her face. The volume of my voice got louder as I telling her off.  Eventually I made my daughter stand  in front of me until she apologised for scratching her face. I could tell that she was frightened by my treatment.

During this whole time in my mind I had thoughts like “Stop yelling at her, she doesn’t know what she is doing”, “look at how you are making her feel”, “She is just a child”.  There was no physical way that I could stop myself.

God I know I overreacted and after the release of rage it was almost like a “let down” and when I came crashing back into myself I was filled with so much remorse and guilt that I woke 5 times during the night to pick my sleeping daughter up and cuddle her.

Yesterday I was very bad  I imagined myself standing in front of a brick wall bashing my fits, kicking my feet and banging my head against a brick wall as I was filled with that much rage.

Today I am better, but today I am also filled with remorse and regret.  I hate losing control and I hate feeling like this.  I need help and I don’t know what to do.

Unhooking the link

I am seeing a new Kinesiologist and she is just Awesome! We are very similar and I know that I was meant to meet her and have her guide me through the path from negativity into the path of positivity. My path is riddled with speed humps that sometimes feel like mountains that I need to climb.

I am currently long overdue for a balance, unfortunately work got in the way of my last appointment and I just not had the time to reschedule.  Actually as I write the line it makes me think that it is not time that I don’t have.  I am simply not placing myself and my needs up on top of the list. (WOW what a big step that was…recognising the “bad” behaviour)

One of the things that the Kinesiologist suggested to me was “unhooking” the physic hooks from the people in your life.  This “unhooking” is for when you feel as though you are being dragged down. When you feel as though you are taking on other peoples bagging or for when you feel as though the people are just too much to handle, or when you feel as though you are loosing yourself.

When this was suggested to me I imagined that the “hook” was a fishing hook with fishing wire that was linking me to the other person.  At that stage it was Rylie that was displaying behaviours that were outside his character.  I could not leave the room without Rylie crying.  Once I removed the “hook” Rylie went back to normal.

I try to do this regularly where I imagine the people in my life and then remove their physic hooks from myself.  This does not mean that I am removing them from my life it just means that I am not dependant on them and whatever their deal is will not affect me.

The hook that I am trying to remove today just will not budge.  For some reason I can not let go of this hook.  It is driving me crazy.  I do not like the person I have become or am becoming.  With other people the “hook and line” are thin and easy to remove.  With this person when I imagine the hook it is about the size of my hand and the line is as thick as my arm and as strong and heavy as concrete.

I have tried and tried and tried to mediate on getting this hook out of my soul and body it is just so hard.  My mind has imagined that it is hard and therefore made the hook and line unmovable.  Today I am going to attempt it for the last time and this time I will succeed:

“I do not need you to be me.”

I walk to the mirror that helps me look into my physic layers.  I see my true-self in this mirror and it takes my breath away. I look at my chest and see the hook lodged into my heart.  The area around the hook is black in colour.

“I do not need you to be me.”

I concentrate on the hook trying to dislodge, every time I try to remove the hook, it creates another tear in my physic heart. This is just not working! Yanking it out will not work.

“I do not need you to be me.”

In defeat I sit on the grass looking at myself in the mirror, negative thoughts keep coming through. “It is useless”, “this will never work”, “you are stuck with this hook for life”.  So here I am sitting there with all these thoughts rolling around in my head.

“I do not need you to be me.”

I am despairing and am feeling quite unhappy and sad.  When I start remembering all the happy times I’ve had with the person at the end of the fishing line.  Like:

• the times where I looked forward to work as I knew that I would be spending time with the person
• the first time I sent this person a text message
• all the conversations I have had
• each and every time we spent physical time together
• Christmas party
• New Year ’s Eve
• Easter morning

I notice that with each positive thought/memory, the hooking was getting smaller and smaller. So I keeping them coming, first time I was shown affection, first time I held their hand. The time we spoke for 3 hours on the phone. First time I saw behind the concrete wall surrounding their heart.

“I do not need you to be me.”

I spend some time sitting there thinking and remembering everything each and every moment.  Soon tears are running down my face as I am feeling overwhelmed with gratitude.  I look back into the mirror and notice that the dark spot over my hearts has now turned a beautiful Rose Red colour and the hook is now the size of a proper fishing hook.

With the last thought “I do not need you to be me” I remove this hook from my heart and in doing so it is also removed from this person. Finally after weeks and months this hook is removed and I feel as though I can breathe again.

Before I leave the mirror however I ensure that I repair the hole that this hook caused.

Finally after nearly 6 months I am free and I can breathe!

Books that I have read

Phew now that was a lot of reading!

Some very heavy reading recently and worthwhile because I have learnt so much!

 

I started off with this a number or months ago and it took me a while to get into it, most likely because I didn’t want to acknowledge the lessons that were being said to me.

The biggest lesson I have learnt through this book is that I do not really have the “tools” or “experience” in being a best friend. But I now understand the importance of having a best friend in my life:

“Having deeply accepting friends helps us beyond the fact of being accepted by others, and then by ourselves. When our deepest relationships know us and accept us anyway, we are now free to deal with our weaknesses as a problem, rather than a condemnation.”

This is what has happened to me.  I was accepted for who I was and then was able to finally look at my own acceptance as something easily achieved.

 

This next book, I can never be anymore grateful towards the Author of this book. From the first page I started highlighting. It is as though the author opened up my life and wrote everything that had been happening to me recently. Nearly every single chapter has pages and pages all highlighted with comments.  This passage best explains what I have learnt:

 

The sin in this instance is the sin of my vulnerability and doubting my worthiness.

I despaired so much when I started reading this last book, because I started to identify that I was an “Unsafe person for my friends”, a work colleague that recommended this book told me to persevere.  How I am still not convinced that I am a “Safe” friend.

I am very humbled and affected by the learning’s from this book, also if anything I started doubting myself again. Here is passage the helps sums up what I have learnt:

“The idea of changing our own character first is really what this book is about. In order to have safe people, we must first become safe people ourselves.”

I still have other books to read.