This blog post is long time in coming, it has been rattling around in my head for a month or so. I explained this idea to my BFFL back then and never really got around to writing it. To anyone that is reading this post, you will be coming back in time on a journey with me, here I go:
Obviously I am a baby in this photo innocent to the world and cute as a button!
The message to my past self is:
“You are loved and cherished, the future that waits for you will be tough but know that you will never be alone, you are worthy because you were born.”
This is me on my 6th Birthday party and the girl on my left is a neighbour that lived across the road from me. I remember that I loved this girl and I thought that she was my best friend. We spent so much time together played on the weekends and we even went to the same primary school.
The message to my past self is:
“You were not the best friend that this girl needed in her life, the jealousy that was written over her face in this photo was not your fault nor was it your responsibility. I know that she used you and then behind your back she would tease you. This was not your fault!
That girl in this photos is so beautiful, even with that hair cut she is perfect!"
In this photo I am 8 years old and we are in my father’s childhood home Gencsapáti. I remember this trip so well and I know that I was eight as I was so proud of myself for learning how to say the number eight in Hungarian. I would tell anyone and everyone my age!
The message to my past self is:
“If only the quality of this photo was a little better, then you would able to see that cheeky smile! I can just imagine that there is a little twinkle in your eyes! When I see this photo, all I see is a tall little girl that is so full of life. Look at yourself in this photo, really look at it; what I see today is a beautiful fun loving little girl that is neither too skinny nor too fat. But perfect the way she is.”
In this photo I am 11 years old and I had recently returned from a trip to Hungary where I went by myself. This is the first time in my life where I remember that my weight started to be questioned. Upon my return from that trip I remember being told that I had put on 6kg’s. I distinctly remember being teased during the lunch break on the school yard, simply because I had put on 6kg’s.
The message to my past self is:
“There is nothing wrong with you, you are not fat, and you are not over weight. Do not let those hateful evil words touch your spirit.”
In this photo I am 13 years old and this is a group photo taken with my Hungarian scout group. What I noticed first when I saw this photo again now at the age of 35 is the jumper I am wearing. It is long and bulky and hiding my body shape completely. I never realised that my weight issues went that far back!
The message to my past self is:
“Mari, please do not hide who you are, I know that people in your life are constantly commenting on your weight. Trust that there is nothing wrong with you here.”
I am 15 years old in this photo and this is my Debutant ball. This particular photo brings up so much pain and anguish. At that time in my life, my mother only allowed me to eat Salada biscuits for lunch and sometimes dinner and she also made me go to the gym 5 days a week. I was also sent off the solarium before the ball in order to get nice and brown.
In this photo I am convinced that I am over weight. In this photo I feel ugly, exposed and unworthy.
The message to my past self is:
“Dear Mari, it was wrong of your mother to make you feel as though you were unworthy, not pretty and overweight. She had all the good intentions in her heart, however they were not the right intentions for you. Look at that waist of your, look at that smile. You are beautiful! I know that you were constantly compared to the other girls in your group and this was wrong.
Each girl, each person will have a completely different body shape and should never be any comparison as there is nothing wrong with you; nothing at all!”
Ah this photo, I am surprised that I found this one. I am 16 years old here and this is my year 11 formal (like a prom). This was the night that I first got together with my first love. I am surprised that I still have this photo because I was hurt so much by that guy that I tried to erase everything to do with him, including photos of when we officially got together.
The message to my past self is:
“People come into your life at exactly the right moment and they usually enter your life as that is the energy that you have opened yourself up to receiving. He came into your life to teach you a very important lesson, that lesson was “Your deep feelings and the way you accept and love unconditionally makes you who you really are.” He could not handle the amount of love that you had in your heart, this is nothing to do with you or your worthiness at all, it was all about his insecurities.”
This is my Year 12 formal my last year of High School, the guy that was my date was not the guy that I was in love with. I had broken up with my boyfriend a few month earlier and Mark stepped in to take me. He was of a Lebanese back ground, exotic older and caring, he also accepted my affectionate nature. My weight was still in question here and looking at this photo I can’t believe again that I felt that I was overweight.
The message to my past self is: “Your heart will heal eventually; do not hold onto “J”. You do not need to remember him for you were treated badly and he made you feel unworthy.
As for your weight there should be no reason for why you feel uncomfortable here. So what you are a curvy girl that just adds to your appeal!”
I am 19 and this is my wedding day. Would you believe that my wedding dress was a size 10? I kid you not it is a size 10 and in this photo once again I have been lead to believe by my immediate and new family that I am overweight.
The message to my past self is: “On your wedding day you should’ve been 100%! I know that you are worried and concerned about how you look. Seriously Mari you are so beautiful in this photo and just look at that waist, there is nothing wrong with you here. Do not listen to anyone else and only listen to yourself.”
Fast forward and I am 27 years old in this photo. Tim and I had spent 3 months in Hungary on an extended vacation. I remember trying to lose weight before this trip, but I was never able to do that. After my wedding there is rarely many photo’s with me in them. I am usually the one behind the camera. I am the one taking the photos of my life and it seems to me as though I may have been hiding behind that camera.
I am in a castle that was built in the 1800 in the Hungarian country here I am coming down the stairs and I am hiding.
The message to my past self is: “Your family should always accept you for you really are and not what you look like. You know that you are hiding and you know that you are hiding from the world. Somewhere along your journey you lost yourself. You started to believe that you were unworthy all because you were listening to your immediate and in-law family. Mari the feelings of peace and being “home” is something that you need to cherish and not be concerned about how the world perceives you.”
2006 and I am going home from the hospital with my darling new little boy Jordy. In this photo I am feeling like an unworthy mother as my milk supply never came in, again I gave the power over my self-esteem to others to fulfil.
The message to my past self is:
“After 3 long tough years of TTC, you really think that you should feel anything other than blessed? You will provide the nourishment your son needs the best way you can. Your son does not care that you are unable to breastfeed, because he loves you for who you are and what you mean to him.”
2009 and here I am holding my beautiful twins. Whilst pregnant with them I did not gain an ounce of weight so in this photo I look as though I have lost quite a bit of weight. I remember being completely happy in this photo, my little family felt complete. I also remember that at this time I was able to go into a normal store and I was buying size 16 clothes for the first time in years. My mistake here was that I told people family and friends of this achievement. I wanted to share my joy and this change in my life, I was mistaken.
The message to my past self is:
“Mari, look at those beautiful twins that you are holding. You look completely wiped, exhausted but you also look so content and happy. Hold onto these feelings, never doubt that your kids love you unconditionally not because of the way you look but because the who you are.”
2011 I am at my friend’s hen’s night. I was so worried about what I looked like and what to wear! I drank so much this night and I also took this photo of myself, using my own phone.
The message to my past self is: “Look at your face Mari, really look at your face, you are radiant!”
2011 Ahh India and your first Tuk Tuk ride. This is the first time since the age for 11 I was completely on my own. No family only work colleagues to keep me company. I spent 10 days there and I know that I came back and totally changed women. The memory of my first night in India will always remain with me. It was the first time in years that I was completely outside my comfort zone and I didn’t care about how others perceived me.
The message to my past self is: “Cherish the memories and lessons you learnt and continue to learn after your trip to India. There is never any reason to doubt neither yourself nor your abilities in relation to your work. Always believe that you alone are enough in all aspects of your life.”
2nd Jan 2012 my heart was hurt this day and whilst the situation has resolved itself the feelings and consequences are still lingering and I think that they will for a little while until I am comfortable with the decisions / choices made.
The message to my past self is:
“Mari, what was being asked of you that day should not have hurt you so much. As it was your BFFL asking that you please listen carefully to what they were saying. Your mistake this day was to give your heart to someone to fulfil, when realistically only you can fulfil it. Your mistake was to give your BFFL the control and responsibility of you heart. You heart is your own and should never have been given to anyone."
