Wednesday 22 June 2005

A dream or reality?

I wake, it is still dark, I’m sitting in a cramped spot, I’m covered with my duna and I have my favourite pillow in front of my face. Then it starts, my heart beats really hard….thump…thump..it is getting faster, my chest is feeling tighter. My heart, there is so much pain in my heart. I can’t breath, oh god does it hurt.

A cramp seizes me, and I feel a gush between my legs. I double over in pain. Another cramp more pain. I start to whimper. Then a hand reaches out to me, I cringe I don’t want anything to touch me. It would hurt to much. Something wet drops onto my knee (which is drawn to my chest). I touch my check it is wet. I am crying.

The hand reaches for me again, I can’t get away, I’m backed up against the wall. Another cramp, I double over in pain. Then blackness seeps into my vision. I pass out, but really I wish I was dead.

I wake, I feel empty a shell that is not worthy, I’m ashamed and embarrassed, I’m not a fit mother, I can’t hold onto the thing that is precious to me. Questions. So many questions all starting with Why?.

Tuesday 21 June 2005

Just one of those days

It has been one of those days where you just want to stay at home and in bed, just reading, watching DVD’s, Dr Phil and Oprah. Where you don’t have to talk to the world, where you can just hide in your safe home without being interrupted. Where you don’t have to think, feel and talk. The hum of the TV, the story unfolding before your eyes with the movie you are watching or the imaginary world that occurs when you are reading a great book is all the company that you need.

I feel as though I’m at the bottom of a well it is all dark and cold, yet inviting down here, when I look up I can see a tiny ray of light the size of a five cent coin. The light represents a real world, the world that I want to hide from. It is a world where I am still not a physical mother, yet I am a Mum to 3 babies that have left me. This world is not a nice place as it is forever mocking me, throwing pregnant women in my path, ladies with gorgeous new born children, people conceiving so easily. This world is a place that I want to hide from. “Just leave me down”.

I feel something hit my head, I can’t see anything as it is dark, but I feel that it is a piece of wood with rope attached at each end. I feel up the rope and it seems to be a ladder. I shudder, I don’t want to go up that ladder…”it will only cause me more pain” I scream loudly.

Yet I hear this noise, the incessant beeping that will not leaving me alone. It is driving me crazy, I scream in frustration. Yet strangely I recognise the beeping it is my mobile telling me that I’ve received a SMS. I reach over and read the message…it is a cry for help from Ellie, she needs help with a small issue. I reply that I will help and receive another message this time telling me how much she loves and needs me and how she can’t wait to see me on Thursday.

I wake up and the world does not look that bad with the love of children like Ellie and Tina who are not my own, but whom I love as though they are mine. The world seems like a brighter place. Ellie always seems to know when I need her the most.

Friday 17 June 2005

More thoughts

This whole thing with Zs is still bothering me, I had hoped that writing the letter in my previous post that it would help me get past what happened and move on. But for some reason I can’t. I’m actually really angry at myself, furious even; Once again I’ve opened my heart and my life fully to this person who has stomped all over me.

Why do I allow this to happen? Am I destined to be one of those people that never really open up to friends? Or the kind that hides their feelings and never shows their real self? Or is it simply that I always seem to choose the wrong friends to love and cherish?

I think that it is the last point, I actually think that I expect too much of friends, I’m happy to give, give and keep on giving but I never receive in turn, but I’ve been happy with that. This makes me think that I should harden my heart and not give anymore, but then it would not be me. Or the other option is to build a fucken bridge and get over the bitch, why do I crave a friendship with someone that hurts me?

Oh Fuck it…I’ve just got to stop, in the scheme of things there are other more important issue to think about. Stop fucken stressing over the cow for Gods sake.

Thursday 16 June 2005

Friendship

An incident occurred a number of weeks ago and has been with me since then, I can’t stop thinking about what happened, so I thought that it was time to finally put it to rest in my heart and blog about it. So here goes:

Dear Zs
I would like to start this letter by first telling you how important your friendship was to me. I loved you like you were my sister, accepted you for who you were and appreciated all the time we could spend with each other.

I’m very disappointed with what occurred that night (which was meant to be a night that we celebrate my Birthday), it was your decision to storm out of my house, you were not pushed to leave. What you said to me has deeply hurt me and at the moment I don’t see a way back to our friendship that was.

I’m 29 years old and I work very hard to earn my living, my hobby is to collect DVD’s and TV shows, it is what we like to spend our money on. Now as a friend I’m happy for you to borrow all the movies in our possession, which you have done in the past, no questions asked.

However when I found out that you were borrowing them to make a copy of my movies, I was shocked it was never my intention to let you borrow anything and have them illegally copied. So when you asked to borrow some more movies and when I simply asked you if it was your intention to copy them and you replied “Yes”. I had every right to say “No” to you, which you obviously didn’t like.

Now I don’t know whether you didn’t like the fact that I stood up for myself and simply said “No” to your request or that I asked you to only borrow them and not copy them. Mimi and I strongly disagree with the practice of downloading movies, music and tv shows off the internet and then burning copies for others. We have previously discussed this with you. It is our way and we are happy to buy things full price, as we enjoy them much more.

After I said “No” to you, you said “A true friend would not deny you your wishes”. This what hurts the most, I’ve only requested that you do not copy the movies, I didn’t deny your viewing pleasure. My niece who is 14 yo has fights with friends and I’ve passed on some advice to her in the past, which was that if a friend ever said the words “If you were my true friend” then to me they are really not a true friend.

When I asked you if you now felt as though I was not your true friend you shrugged which to me indicated your thoughts completely. I was and still am totally shocked and stunned that you would think that of me.

I did receive your SMS and I have not replied and will not reply as I feel that I don’t need to explain my thoughts and actions anymore, I am an adult I don’t answer to anyone and if I decide not to lend you something it is my right to make that decision.

Hopefully after this few week break we can both get over what happened and what was said and move on, that is if we are both adult enough to let go of what happened as honestly in the scheme of things it is insignificant and will NOT matter in a year from now.

Your ture friend
Mari

Thursday 9 June 2005

WIGO

If you work in the IT industry as I do, you will be aware of the acronym WIGO, people in IT love acronyms. WIGO stands for What Is Going On, so here I am giving you an updated on things going on in my life.

My visitors have moved out, this happened back in April. The relief of having my house, life back is overwhelming. During their stay here I was not able to Blog, surf and chat as I had become used to, I’m out of the habit. I want to get back into my cyber world has I have missed it immensely.

Work has been very hectic, the usual story when working on projects, no time, no budget and wrong assumptions have meant that instead of working 30 hour weeks (as advised by my gp) I’ve been putting in 50 to 60 hour weeks. Meaning I’ve been working on my Day off, my sacred Fridays and also being working the last 3 Sundays in a row.

It started out being a week from hell, which slowly but quickly grew to 3 weeks of hell. The worst part was I let both myself and my Mimi down; I started putting work before me and my goals. With the hours I was doing I wasn’t eating well, I didn’t go to the gym. It took Mimi screaming at me for an hour last Friday to snap me out of the nasty “guilt, work, they can’t do it with out me spell” I was under.

I stilled worked last Sunday but I was firm with the people I was working with and simply told then that the last three weeks were done and the hysteria over the project is almost over and I will NOT be doing this again. I will NOT be working weekends or on Fridays, I need to take care of myself. I also reminded my work colleagues that I was and still am under gp instructions to take it easy and ONLY work 30 hours a week. There was no problem with this from my work at all.

But this did not stop me from work till 7:30pm last night…see what a sucker I am to my job? But I knew that I now had 5 days off from work.

For the first time in almost 4 weeks I went and had my Personal Training session this morning. I was so very tempted to cancel as I was not in the mood but I’m glad that I pushed myself and glad that I went. Feel so much better now. I’m also off to have a massage this afternoon which I’m looking forward to.