The only solution that I see for myself with this fear is to imagine that I’m blowing a balloon and every breath that I exhale is that fear, the blue balloon is filling with all my fear. I tie the balloon off and attached a blue streamer to it. I’m now standing in a valley with beautiful green tress surrounding me, a river is on my right and on my left are blue wrens playing in a wattle tree. I’m holding this balloon and it is a sunny day.
I’m reluctant to let go of the balloon as it currently has a lot of power, “Is it as easy as letting go of the balloon that my fear will go with it?”
Perhaps not but it may help. Well I did do it last night I let go of the balloon in my thoughts. After speaking with my SIL about all the sessions with J, the thought just popped into my head and I said
“Maybe I should imagine that all that fear is in a balloon and let that balloon go”
My SIL freaked out and started getting really excited as this was one of their techniques used with Kinesiology. J has never used this technique with me before, so it was all new to me.
Has letting the balloon go helped? Kinda, when I think of not having bobim, I don’t get that stomach cramping all consuming fear. The fear is there just not as severe, I now see that I have other options in my life, they were always there but were pushed to the side.
I now that that my life purpose was to nurture and provide guidance to children whether they be my own or others. If I don’t have my own then there are many ways that I could still love and cherish children. But I won’t give up on the chance to have my own. I may start looking into the other avenues of having children in my life and perhaps I will feel better for this and not so empty.
Monday 9 May 2005
Saturday 7 May 2005
Letting go of the fear
I’ve been struggling with this for a long time now and I just don’t know how to let go of the fear of not having a Baby. I just don’t think that I can suddenly just say “She’ll be right” If I don’t have child because I would be lying I won’t be right. Part of me would die. I just can’t accept a future without a child in it.
I’ve tried to talk to Mimi about it and he always says “It will happen”. I did have that faith but I just don’t know anymore. J said that if I let go of my fear then it will work for us, but I just don’t know how to let go.
Maybe it would be different if Mimi and I were just trying the normal way, but when I’m cycling I go through blood tests, ultrasounds, injections and advice. I get told when to inject, when to have a blood test, when to spread my legs for an ultrasound when to have sex and I pay money for this ‘privilege’. How can I NOT have hopes that the cycle would work, how can I NOT be scared that I would not have a child when my current track record is that I’ve suffered 3 miscarriages and each time after an OI cycle.
Yippeee that OI cycles work, yet I can’t seem to KEEP a child. Which makes me think, is this not meant to be for me? Am I such a bad mother that God will not give me the honour to have, hold and nurture my little bobi?
There must be away out of this whole of fear…I just need help in realising what it is.
I’ve tried to talk to Mimi about it and he always says “It will happen”. I did have that faith but I just don’t know anymore. J said that if I let go of my fear then it will work for us, but I just don’t know how to let go.
Maybe it would be different if Mimi and I were just trying the normal way, but when I’m cycling I go through blood tests, ultrasounds, injections and advice. I get told when to inject, when to have a blood test, when to spread my legs for an ultrasound when to have sex and I pay money for this ‘privilege’. How can I NOT have hopes that the cycle would work, how can I NOT be scared that I would not have a child when my current track record is that I’ve suffered 3 miscarriages and each time after an OI cycle.
Yippeee that OI cycles work, yet I can’t seem to KEEP a child. Which makes me think, is this not meant to be for me? Am I such a bad mother that God will not give me the honour to have, hold and nurture my little bobi?
There must be away out of this whole of fear…I just need help in realising what it is.
Friday 6 May 2005
Right or wrong reasons
Pain – I’m in a constant state of pain, my body feels so battered and bruised that at times I don’t know how I’m going to go on and yet I feel fantastic, the pain tells me that what I’m doing is right. “No pain no gain” saying comes to mind.
Am I pushing myself too much? Possibly, is this an excuse to give up? Could be, but I’m not going to give up, if it takes a few months of pain to achieve conception then I’m willing to grin and bear it.
I’ve never been the type of person to keep things private, when I suffered the miscarriages I told people at work, not to get sympathy but to educate others (especially women) that sometimes conception is not an easy thing. Until I stated TTC I feel as though I lived in the dark ages. So a lot of people know that I’m TTLW and work has been very supportive.
However there is one glitch and that is people seem to think that I’m doing all this exercise for the wrong reasons. BOBIM. I’ve been told to:
“Do this for yourself and no one else”
“Let go of the fear of never having a baby and loose weight for you”
“Do you want to cherish this body for yours?”
“Look after yourself; you are the most important person at the moment”
I can see that side of the coin, however let me be totally honest here, if I wasn’t trying for my bobi (that is our name we use when we talk about a baby) then I would not be putting myself through this. Sure I want to look good, but that is not important to me, sure I want to be able to buy nice clothes, but again this is not important to me.
I’m excited about loosing weight as I can’t wait to get back into some of my clothes, but that is a side effect, I’m really doing this to conceive my bobi. No other reason. Sure I want to be healthy and live long; However I’m comfortable in my skin, I know who I am, I’ve accepted how I look.
Ever since I was a teenager I’ve been told by many people to loose weight “You would be so gorgeous if you lost weight”. “Why don’t you try to loose weight before you go overseas and visit the family, you want to feel comfortable don’t you?”
I have come to the realisation that the main reason why I didn’t want to do this before and why I still fight doing this for me is because I feel that family, friends, work colleagues and general people in my life should accept me how I am and love me for the soul I posses rather than the kilos I carry.
My Mimi has rarely tells me to loose weight and when he does it is only in the context that he see me struggling walking up a hill or he hears me breathing hard after a short walk and he says that he is scared and hates it how I struggle. Yet others in my life say what they think are inspirational words for me to loose weight but they hurt as it is another example where I feel that have not accepted me as I am or they do not love the person I am right now and want me to be something else.
So am I doing this for the right or wrong reasons? By others opinions I am; but if Bobim is the motivation that has made me get up this morning after my first personal training session last night that has caused me to limp this morning and I’m just about to go to a water aerobics class in the deep end of the pool, then in my book I don’t think that it is the wrong reason. At the end of this journey I still may not have my Bobim but I will have lost weight and be healthier.
To me this is as win win situation even if it’s been achieve with the ‘wrong’ intention in mind.
Am I pushing myself too much? Possibly, is this an excuse to give up? Could be, but I’m not going to give up, if it takes a few months of pain to achieve conception then I’m willing to grin and bear it.
I’ve never been the type of person to keep things private, when I suffered the miscarriages I told people at work, not to get sympathy but to educate others (especially women) that sometimes conception is not an easy thing. Until I stated TTC I feel as though I lived in the dark ages. So a lot of people know that I’m TTLW and work has been very supportive.
However there is one glitch and that is people seem to think that I’m doing all this exercise for the wrong reasons. BOBIM. I’ve been told to:
“Do this for yourself and no one else”
“Let go of the fear of never having a baby and loose weight for you”
“Do you want to cherish this body for yours?”
“Look after yourself; you are the most important person at the moment”
I can see that side of the coin, however let me be totally honest here, if I wasn’t trying for my bobi (that is our name we use when we talk about a baby) then I would not be putting myself through this. Sure I want to look good, but that is not important to me, sure I want to be able to buy nice clothes, but again this is not important to me.
I’m excited about loosing weight as I can’t wait to get back into some of my clothes, but that is a side effect, I’m really doing this to conceive my bobi. No other reason. Sure I want to be healthy and live long; However I’m comfortable in my skin, I know who I am, I’ve accepted how I look.
Ever since I was a teenager I’ve been told by many people to loose weight “You would be so gorgeous if you lost weight”. “Why don’t you try to loose weight before you go overseas and visit the family, you want to feel comfortable don’t you?”
I have come to the realisation that the main reason why I didn’t want to do this before and why I still fight doing this for me is because I feel that family, friends, work colleagues and general people in my life should accept me how I am and love me for the soul I posses rather than the kilos I carry.
My Mimi has rarely tells me to loose weight and when he does it is only in the context that he see me struggling walking up a hill or he hears me breathing hard after a short walk and he says that he is scared and hates it how I struggle. Yet others in my life say what they think are inspirational words for me to loose weight but they hurt as it is another example where I feel that have not accepted me as I am or they do not love the person I am right now and want me to be something else.
So am I doing this for the right or wrong reasons? By others opinions I am; but if Bobim is the motivation that has made me get up this morning after my first personal training session last night that has caused me to limp this morning and I’m just about to go to a water aerobics class in the deep end of the pool, then in my book I don’t think that it is the wrong reason. At the end of this journey I still may not have my Bobim but I will have lost weight and be healthier.
To me this is as win win situation even if it’s been achieve with the ‘wrong’ intention in mind.
Sunday 1 May 2005
August 2005
In the last three months I have learnt a lot about myself, I sweat the small stuff. I stress about every little thing and I am such an uptight person. When the visitors were staying with me (they moved out a week ago). I stressed about how much they were using the internet. Since they have been gone I’ve logged on once, which makes me think..”what the hell is wrong with me?”.
The time that I spent whinging, venting and being upset, angry could have been spent on working on myself. Instead I cloud my mind with all these unimportant events to stress over, rather than learn to love, cherish and honour myself.
I’m reading a great book (one of the many books I have on go) and the title is ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff and it’s all small stuff’. I’ve had this book on my self for a long time, but I only seem to reach for it in times of real need. One chapter has stood out in my mind and I constantly use “Will this matter in a year from now?”.
Will it matter that my visitor whilst cleaning up threw out all the spare toothbrushes which were kept for Ellie, Tina and Gabor when they stay here? No then why stress about it.
So this one simple question has made me question just about everything that is kept in my mind chatter. Has it made a difference, I can’t really tell, but I no longer work myself into a frenzy with simple stuff.
I’m really trying to eat properly and change my lifestyle to suit, but it’s not easy and I will persevere. I go to water aerobics, which I love, 3 times a week, the plan is that I will be doing exercise at the gym 5 times a week, this being my schedule:
* Sunday – rest
* Monday night – water aerobics
* Tuesday night – rest
* Wednesday night – gym program workout
* Thursday night – personal trainer
* Friday morning – water aerobics
* Saturday morning – water aerobics
August 2005 is the month that I’m looking towards. It is when I’ve decided to that I will be going back to Full time work. It will be the month that I will go back to Dr N and start OI treatment.
Part of me is bit concerned that I maybe putting too much emphasis on August, almost like I’m expecting my first treatment of OI to work straight away because I’ve done so much work Trying to loose weight.
This past week I’ve woken up with my worst fear appearing on the surface ‘what will happen if I never can have kids?’. This thought still sends me into a state of panic and I know that I should face it and give it some power and work on the truth but I would rather hide and be in denial. I don’t want to go to that reality, give me a nice dark closet to hide in. It is a question that won’t leave me and I will talk about it more but just not today as I’ve said enough.
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