Monday 31 December 2012

Good bye 2012

I wrote a similar post at the end of 2011 which can be found here.  At the end of 2012 I didn’t write the same thing and have felt that something is missing. 

I went back just now and re-read my post and was surprised.  I no longer have Self-doubt “in me”, “in my life”, “of being a good mother”, and “with my work”.

2012 was a very tough year for me on the personal growth.  I think that it is time to put aside what I have been carrying around for so long.  It is time, so here I go:

Good bye 2012, the last 12 months have been rewarding and the road has been a steep hill climb. I started the year off optimistic and positive. I was ready to tackle all that the universe chose the throw at me and then BAM on the 2nd January 2012 was my first test.

Reflecting now I don’t look back at 2012 fondly, the friendships I had at the end of 2011 and start of 2012 have dwindled and are almost non-existent. This if nothing else breaks my heart and continues to be a constant ache.  Perhaps I am still grieving for all that I have lost!

I started 2012 thinking I had made lifelong friendships that would see me through tough times and good, how wrong I was. Or perhaps this was a lesson I needed to learn.

What I want to leave behind in 2012:
·         Self-doubt:
o   In being worthy of fulfilling friendships

That is the only thing that I have been working on in 2012.

I have also just read the post here where I listed all the things I wanted to achieve in 2012, see how optimistic I was!! I did achieve 9 out of the 12 points listed here is what I did achieve:
·         I know that I am worthy of all, I have no doubts
o   This contradicts my point above, you see I know I am worthy of all. However am I worthy of a fulfilling friendship with the one person that matters?  That is where I am not so sure; this is where I still have doubts.
·         I know that I am enough is all aspects of my life, I have no doubts
·         I am open to all that the universe provides, each and every moment is an opportunity to learn and grow
·         I have learnt that I love myself; I recorded the date where I made this realisation on the train to work on the 29th May 2012.  I finally realised that I loved who I was, the true person that I am.
·         I am happy, well most of the time I try to be happy.
·         I believe that I have achieved acceptance from my family and work
·         I believe in myself, if I set my mind to a task and am motivated with that task then I can do anything I want
·         I am an awesome mother and a provider for my family.

2012 I am closing the door on you and I want to leave behind all the negative situations that occurred. All the pain surrounding my issues with friendships will be left behind in 2012. I no longer have room for you in my life.

Sunday 2 December 2012

Are you gonna listen to your own advice?


I was bickering with my husband this afternoon because he had been in a feral mood for the past three to four days. I kept on asking him what was wrong because anything that the kids or I did would end up with him yelling.

Oh how I hate yelling and I hate seeing the expressions on the kids’ faces also when either I or my husband scolds, yells or raises our voice in anger.  The whole mood of the house felt black and gloomy.  I could feel that it was affecting me also.

I kept on pushing my husband to ask him what was wrong and finally he admitted that it was because I had been working late during the past 2 weeks. Work had been crazy and I had been helping out another team.  But I snapped and started yelling at him:

“Why are you thinking about this now?”
“It is in the past, just get over it”
“There is no reason for you to be holding onto this”

I understand his feelings, he was feeling frustrated because he was missing me. He was feeling abandoned because I had been spending a lot of time at work. He was feeling angry that I was bottling things up about work and not talking to him.

As I was yelling those words, at the exactly the same time I was thinking “Mari are you going to listen to your own advice?”

“Mari, why do you keep thinking about the same thing over and over again?”
“It is now in the past, just get over it”
“There is no reason for you to be holding onto these emotions”.

Saturday 1 December 2012

Do not be afraid



During my last kinesiology appointment I was a complete mess. I had faced my sacral room and had opened the door. The shame was overwhelming. In my real life I was in constant flux of arguments, constant pain and yes Ambar in constant doubt all stemmed from my relationships with others. I was complaining about how tired I was, tired of the doubts, tired of the arguments. Exhausted from all this crap I had been carrying around. Her words were clear and they cut through the bullshit.


"You are magnificent"


I was asked what am I afraid of, I burst into tears and she cried with me. As my journey reminded her of her own. To put it simply I was / am afraid of self-acceptance, of my true self.


"You are the only one holding yourself back"


That was 3 weeks ago and the very next day I was determined to face the atrocity of my sacral room on my own.This time when I entered I ignored the emotions being directed towards me. I approached the first person to my right. It was someone who I was in constant arguments with, the very same person in my heart husband.


"I am no longer afraid to let you go. I thank you for what you have brought to my life".


As I was saying this looking into their eyes I reached out to the iron hand and the grip slowly loosened. I noticed that the iron hand had left a bruise. Reaching from my heart I placed my hand just above the bruise.


"Let me heal you from a place of love".


Once complete I said


"You are now free to leave, my fear will no longer hold you".


I was drained but at the same time I started to feel so much lighter. Over the next days and weeks I continued to remove and heal the iron grips holding onto my family and friends. Ambar, Mayank, Timmy, Marian, Nelly, Barney (took me 4 tries to let him go), Atilia, Richard, Melissa, Gyongyi, Leanne, Jodie, Ljuba, Damian, Dirmaid, Benny (oh he was a tough one), Zsolt, Dora, Zsuzsi, Istvan, Agi, Gabor. Thousands of people.


I was lounging on an outdoor chair on the balcony, just staring, not thinking just staring. I became aware that someone was trying to get my attention.


"Mari, Mari! You have to come and see this!"


I lifted my tired eyes and before I could respond, they grabbed my hand and started yanking me out of the chair.


"Please, I don't have anything left in me, just so tired. I have nothing left".


"Mari, you don't have to do anything, just have to see this. Come, I will carry you."


I was picked up and carried to the place where the dark room used to stand. There was no evidence that there was even a room there previously. Instead there was a beautiful glade, a circle of maple trees formed the perimeter underneath the trees were beautiful flowers and to my right there was a stream that you could hear the water tinkling over the rocks.


The natural beauty was not what took my breath away it was the scene. All the people in my life that I had just release my iron grip hold were all there. This time when I looked into their eyes I saw love, acceptance and happiness. My throat closed up over the emotions I was feeling, fight back the tears and trying to not lose control.


A sob escaped me and that was when the flood gates opened and tears came streaming down my face. I was embraced but my husband person.


"Look behind you Mari, look at this miracle."


I turned to see all my past selves leave the tall white tower and make their way past me. Each and every one touched me as they passed. Some of my childhood versions were too excited and whilst dashing past briefly touched my dress, hand, arm. They were eager to meet up with their friends.


My heart person took my hand and tried to tugged me forward to greet people. But I stood my ground and shook my head.





After I had released them all I stood in the centre of this dark room and watched as the wall came crumbling down. I was left standing in the middle of all the dust, dirt and rubble. Slowly nature started to take over and absorb the rubble. I was so emotionally, mentally and physically that I started to shake and sway. Before I could collapse I was transported to the field and straight into the beam of light. After sometime I picked myself up and went to my heart apartment seeking peace and solace.






My husband stood in front of me. "Mari, there was never a need for you to hold on so tight, all who have been blessed to know you love you instantly. We are all honored to have had you in our lives. Some of us are fortunate to still have you. There was never a time where you were alone, abandoned. We were always here for you, we always will be."






"Mari, do not be afraid. I love you, I will never leave you. I am your heart person and you are mine. Through you I have learnt to love again."






Initially I thought that the glade was small, but it was large and could accommodate all. It was as though I was witnessing a large family reunion. Kids running around adult legs, laughing and playing. Teenagers lounging around on the grass smoking.

Wednesday 28 November 2012

Connections

After one of my kinesiology appointments, it was recommended to me to try to connect to my heart chakra. This was all new to me as I have "the room in my mind" where in the past I have gone to meditate and heal myself. Outside of this room there is a beautiful green field where there is this beam of pure light that I enter to speak to the universe /God. I never realised that the room represented my third eye and the field and light beam represented my crown chakra

So I went exploring and found that I could easily connect to my throat chakra, this place took a form of an outside auditorium. Where the stone steps or seat rose above a stage, how appropriate? I could walk out onto that stage and either speak, sing and dance. 

To find and connect to my heart chakra I had to travel down some stairs where a white door appeared. When I opened the door I was shocked at what I found there! This was not a simple room but a series of rooms that took shape of a beach front luxury apartment, complete with a balcony overlooking the ocean built onto a cliff face. There was a small path leading back up to my room and the field as they were all connected.

My heart apartment was constantly bathed in the light of a beautiful sunrise; pink, red, yellow and orange colours illuminated the pristine white walls. The furniture was also white The feeling I received when entering this place was one of love and peace. Who I found in that room was also a surprise. When I was first able to connect and enter this room, I was engulfed in a tight warm loving embrace.

"Mari, you finally came; I have been waiting for lifetimes for you to arrive!" "You finally arrived, I am so happy", my heart husband was there.

I have had many conversations with this person and spent a lot of time in my heart apartment Next time I saw my kinesiologist I complained that I was not able to connect with my lower three chakras, solar plexus, sacral and the base. At this time she was able to align my spirit within my body, I was so far away from myself that I couldn't connect. Ever since then I feel everything in my gut, at times the discomfort is uncomfortable.

Slowly I was able to connect and see my solar plexus, this took shape of s cylinder tower when I walked in I looked up and turning around I was faced with a stair case leading around the perimeter and infinite number of levels. On each level every 4 meters there was a white door. The roof was a beautiful dome where the stained glass window changed. I was curious as to what I would find behind one of these doors as this chakra represented my relationship with me.

The first door came appeared in front of me (like monster Inc) and when I touched the knob the door disappeared and standing in front of me was myself at the age of six. Frightened, hurt and distressed. The compassion and love poured out of my heart and as I went to embrace my child self I felt her returning into myself and I felt healed I decided to see which Version of me was behind the last white door. I was myself from just the day before.

That was when I noticed different coloured doors. When I attempted to will one down a figure started walking down the stairs towards me. She was so bright that it was difficult to look at, as she came closer my eyes got used to the bright light. I was seeing a future version of myself. Healed, complete and balanced what struck me the most was that she was at peace.

"Mari, welcome home! You are not able to access these other doors yet as first together we need to heal this life".

I was curious as to what the different colours represented my future self knew my mind and answered for me. 

"Some doors are of your past self and some are of your future".

I have spent some time here learning about myself and becoming my own best friend.

I was determined to see my next "room" the hardest one of all. To get ready I spent time in each chakra. When I left my crown a figure my guide followed me without saying a word. When I left my heart the person there took my hand and when I left my solar plexus my future self-followed.

In front of me was a beautiful carved wooden door. I hesitated when reaching for the knob that was when the people who followed me, held my hand gave me the strength to continue The room was dark, small and was crowded. I could hardly see and I didn't want to step across the threshold. I stood there for a moment knowing exactly what I would find and part of didn't want to face them, the people in that room.

This chakra represented the relationships with other people. The first step over the threshold was the hardest to take. But I found the second and subsequent steps easier. My fears were all held in this room. All the people from my past and present were here. The darkness was overwhelming but the people with me did not flinch from the scene displayed in front of us.

The room was square and small but large enough to hold them all. I couldn't meet their eyes and the accusations hostility directed towards me.

Coming out of every space of these four walls was black iron hands that gripped all in there. They were stuck, my fear held them there. When I saw what I had done I fled and left the room, the task in front of me was just too hard to face. The emotions from the prisoners in this room followed me. Anger, frustration, disbelief, sadness and desperation were coming through loud and clear.

So I fled, like a coward I ran away. I sought solace in my heart apartment. Sobbing from shame my thoughts totally consumed with those that I had locked away and had an iron grip holding onto them.

I didn't hear or notice that some had entered my heart apartment until I felt their arms around me. Then another pair of arms engulfed me. Someone was wiping my face clear of my tears. When I opened my eyes my heart person was there with me clearly loving me for who I was. They also had tears running down their face. They must have sensed my confusion.

"Your pain is my pain".

My attention was drawn to the person to my right, my future self-holding me forgiving me.

In my next post I will elaborate on how I attempted to heal this room. I am still working every moment of every day to overcome my fear.

Thursday 22 November 2012

One day, is it today?


One day in the near future I will believe
One day in the near future I will accept
One day in the near future I will be healed
One day in the near future I will be whole

I am enough in my family life
I am enough in my professional life
I am enough in my personal life
I am enough in the friendships in my life

I am enough in all aspects of my life.

 

What I love about myself:
I love my heart
I love my soul
I love my smile
I love my mind
I love my hair
I love my compassion
I love my nature
I love my body
I love my eyes
I love my hands
I love my love

 

What is magnificent about me:
I am an awesome employee
I am magnificent at my job
I am a magnificent mother
I am a magnificent friend to have
I am a magnificent person

 

What do I possess:
I have a caring heart
I am empathetic
I am compassionate
I am passionate
I am caring
I share my all
I am a brilliant thinker
I have a great intuition
I am sympathetic
I have a great moral fibre
I am honest
I am trust worthy

 

What I will no longer accept about myself
I will no longer have any doubts
I will no longer allow myself self-esteem to get low
I will no longer question my worthiness

 

I am Mari, I am magnificent, I am no longer afraid. Dear universe this is the true me I am standing in front of you an obese child in a woman’s body. I am me, I am Mari and I love all about myself.

Saturday 3 November 2012

What I have come to realise

I started this year with the goals set and a clear vision of what I wanted to achieve.  I started this year on a high with the assumption that I would achieve all I set out by simply chugging along the same path.  How wrong was I!

I know I can lose weight when my hormones are in balance, because both times I was pregnant I lost weight.

I know that my hormones are out of balance because I don’t have a regular period.

I know I have polycystic ovary syndrome, this was diagnosed closed to 10 years ago.

About 12-15 years ago I was diagnosed with Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS).

I have also been diagnosed with a low metabolic rate.

Analysing all my symptoms medically I have issues with my ovaries, intestines and bowel.

If you were to look at my symptoms holistically they are all centred on my Sacral Chakra

Emotionally I have difficulties with friendships because I get too clingy and I am scared to lose the friends so I hold on tight.

What I have learnt recently and which has been confirmed by my kinesiologist is that my Sacral Chakra has been out of balance for so long that the effort to bring it back in line will be tough.

Thursday 1 November 2012

Not good


Since August things have not been too good for me.

I want to write and blog, I need to get this shit out of me. The problem is that I don’t know where to start.

At this moment in time, I feel as though I have lost all my close friends. The entire fault rests purely on me.

Why?
 
I am such a damaged soul that I can’t even handle a normal friendship!

Thursday 11 October 2012

My taxi driver Nick

Again it has been sometime. But the beauty about this blog that it is
always here when I need it.
I didn’t realise that I needed it until the other day when on the train
I decided to look back at my most darkest posts and read what was going through
my mind at that time.

There are a number of really dark, ugly and wrong posts and the funniest
thing was that the same theme was happening over and over again. I was and still am constantly repeating the
same circle again, it is like the never ending bitch and moan session for Mari.

I’ve had a number of “ah-ha” moments recently (yes I love Oprah) and I know
that I’m finally ready to stop this unhealthy cycle. I heard somewhere that
your life goes through some changes every 7 years. My Kinesiologist agreed
saying that it has been documented that humans go through major, physical,
emotional and mental changes. So being my 35th year, this is perfect
timing for some changes…finally!!!

So where does my Taxi driver Nick come into this? I will get to that…

I strongly believe that you meet people in your life at certain points
in your life to help and teach you things.
To help you grow into the best person you can be. I can’t actually
remember when I made that the decision but I decided to remove myself out of
the negative influence that was occurring in my life. After that decision was
made, even subconsciously people started coming into my life that I really
needed.

I’ve met some really positive people and will ever be grateful. I’ve
even open up more to these people than I ever had before and it is easy for me. This makes me think more and more that this
is finally the right time to be making these types of changes.

I’ve struggled all my life with:
· 
Low self esteem
· 
My weight
· 
Self-worth

Nick my taxi driver has been driving me home off and on for the past 8
years. We formed a common bond over the
fact that we both had issues tyring to conceive. Nick was actually the one that drove me home
on my last day at AXA when I was pregnant with the twins. 

I’ve been doing a lot of crazy hours at work, working the “pm shift”
where I started work at 12pm then left at 9:30pm. I’ve also been working nearly 10-12 hour
days, so in the past 5-6 months I’ve seen a lot Nick. The beauty about having Nick drive me home is
that we gas bag all the way and the drive is so quick, recently the trip has
not been long enough for us to get through everything.

Tonight was a big breakthrough for me as I told him that I’ve been
struggling at work and with my mind about some other stuff, mainly getting rid
of the negative thoughts that I have.

The first thing Nick says to me is “Maria you really have to get over
yourself” which is so true. I struggle
with self-worth and I know that it comes from my childhood, where my parents
(not knowing any better themselves) never really offered any positive
encouragement. I also recall being constantly hurt by my childhood friends,
which I never really dealt with.

The second thing Nick said to me was “Maria you need to loose some
weight, not because I think that you do, because you don’t. You need to for yourself”. Nick’s reasoning was that if I had lost even
the smallest amount of weight then it would give me the confidence I needed to continue
to make improvements in my life that I am seeking.

Another thing that Nick brought up was that I maybe cutting myself
short and not allowing myself to see opportunities because I have the mindset
that I don’t want to be Management. He is of the belief that I would be an
excellent manager, because I don’t have an ego.

Also along with a dear new friend of mine, Nick believes that I think
way too much and we are not talking just mind chatter. I think about everything
that has happened in the day, I worry about comments, remarks, looks and analyse
words said to me, words that weren’t spoken. I think of possible scenarios that
may happen and possible outcomes.

Yeah I think way too much.

Friday 31 August 2012

I snapped


On Friday 24th of August I snapped!  It was a day where I spent most of it in constant arguments and I refused to accept.  I decided right there and then no more!

I would not accept any more arguments; I stormed down to the floor below and me and pulled them aside and simply said “No more”.

I then called the other person straight after work told them “Not acceptable”.

Since then, I have been better.

But I know that I still have a long way to go.

Friday 24 August 2012

Ear Infection divine message?


Last Thursday something happened that I am not ready to talk about, the feelings are just still too raw, even after over a week.  The thoughts of the words that were spewed out at me still make me cry.

I kept it together on the train, tears were running down my cheek walking to the car and then the storm hit. It didn’t help that I had a phone call that just made the situation worse. I drove home in hysterical tears and arrived home a blubbering mess. As I blew my nose my ears popped and then the pain hit.  I had an ear infection.

The last time I had an ear infection was over 2 years ago where I was at my first client and it lasted 4 weeks. 

The next morning I woke to the thought “What am I not hearing?” I had the strong feeling that the universe was trying to say something to me, back and now and I was just not hearing the message. I also believed that this time if I don’t “hear” the message then my ear infection would not get better. It has been over a week and I still can’t hear very well out of my left ear, even though I am now on my second course of antibiotics.

I took some time off work as I got really sick, physically, mentally and emotionally ill.

During my last balance it was recommended to me that I should continue with “unhooking the physic hooks”.  If it meant that I did it every minute of the day then I was to go “to the place in my mind” and unhook them.  I kept trying and trying but they just would not go, the hooks are small now but they just kept on coming back. 

I go into my special place in my mind and when I envisioned these hooks they were scattered all over my body and were linking too many different sources.  What I realised is that whilst I removed the hooks from my body I never removed the hooks from the other end. So I proceeded to remove the hooks from the other end.  I collect them in a medium size box but am left with a task of having to dispose of them.  I don’t know how to get rid of them so I walk out the room and down the path onto the beautiful field that is surrounded but mountains and trees

The sun is shining so bright and I walk out into the centre of the field and place the box full of hooks at my feet.  I raise my face to the sun shine and close my eyes allowing the light into my body.

“Dear universe / God, will you please help me dispose of these hooks?”.

I open my eyes and look to my feet where I had placed the box, it is now empty.

“Thankyou for helping me”.

I breathe in deeply and close my eyes again.

“Dear universe / God, may I ask one more thing from you, will you please remove the pain from my heart?”

“No” I receive as an impression is so strong, I open my eyes and to the left of me I see someone standing there, the aura they possess is overwhelming and I can’t look at them directly. I sink to my knees in despair, not understanding why in my time of need I am abandoned.
“Why, will you not help me? Why have you abandoned me?”

The impression I receive is “My Child, you are not abandoned, you are cherished.  I cannot remove your pain my beloved, this is precisely what you asked for.  I am with you always and you are ever alone. Look to the people in your life, trust in the people that love you do not push them away.”

As I hear the last sentence I see the person that was being referred to walking onto the field. It never occurs to me to question how this person can enter my sacred place in my mind.

It is through this pain and through this hardship that I will grow to be the person I am seeking.

Wednesday 22 August 2012

Doubts


I have doubts about myself everywhere I look now.

I feel so alone, I feel abandoned, I am feeling very low.

Something small happened this afternoon that has really affected me.  It was like a trigger went off in my head and just set the domino’s falling in my mind, doubt, doubt, doubt, doubt, doubt.

I was picking the twins up from child care and as I was walking in I saw a mother sitting in her car and her son was standing outside hysterical.  I looked the mother in the eyes as I walked in and the pain was hard to witness.

It takes a good 15 minutes for me to get the kids out of the building, as they have to tell me everything that they did that day, show me their paintings.  Then proceed to say goodbye to all their friends.  As I came out my kids walked nicely to the car, climbed in with out and word and proceeded to help me with their seat belts.

The mother and child were still in the parking lot, this time the mother had the child in the car and he was beside himself, hysterical and uncontrollable. My heart went out to the mother, I don’t know her at all, and actually I have never seen her of the little boy.

But I felt her pain, I was able to sympathise with her.  My kids have never acted like this but I could imagine what she was going through.  My natural (this is what threw me) instinct was to go over to the woman and ask her “Are you ok?”, “Is there anything I can do to help you?”.

Why did this throw me?

Well you see my reaction to someone elses pain and suffering was one of empathy.  I know I can walk in others shoes and feel what they feel.  Instinctively I wanted to go to her and just let you know that she was not alone.  This is a good trait right?

It is right?

I don’t know…I just don’t know.

If it was right and good and wonderful, why is it that my friends shunned, rejected me?

I just don’t understand.

I don’t think anything about me is right…doubt, doubt, doubt, doubt, doubt.

Is it that simple?


“Hey Dr D, how do you get rid of all this anger?”

“Forgiveness”

Could it be that simple?

Can forgiveness be that powerful?

I wonder…..

Saturday 18 August 2012

How right I was


I saw my awesome kinesiologist on Wednesday and I explained the feeling I had about my issues with friendships and how I believed that it stemmed from when I was 6 years old.

If you ever had a balance you will know what it means when I say 6 years old tested up to be correct, however it was not the first time I had “issues with friendships”.  In order to heal and remove the issues held within my soul the kinesiologist takes me back to where it all began.

Was I completely shocked as to where this all began with me.  There is a time where your soul lingers between lives, some believe that in this space you will know all the people that you will meet in your next life and you discuss agree with them the lessons that you will learn from them. 

It was in this place that I specifically asked to have the lesson of “self-worth” to be learnt through the pain of friendships.

Fast forward to the age of 6 and it was in this time that the lesson for being used was thrusted upon me. Also it as the fact that I was part of a friendship that had 3 people in it that I couldn’t handle.  My jealousy tendency came out at this time.

So at the age of 6 my friend Sonea wanted to play with me at home in front of my house.  But when we got to school Sonea would play with Anna.  I didn’t understand why she didn’t want to play with me anymore.  So in an attempt to please Sonea I would do anything I could to “win” her affection back.  Even allow myself to be used.

At 6 years of age, I learnt that I was not good enough to play with unless I became the person my best friend wanted. 

Fast forward to the age of 12, this was the next time I “tested” up as having issues with friends. My life was split between school and the Hungarian Community centre where I did Hungarian folk dancing and Hungarian scouts. At school I was in year 7 at a brand new school because I had moved into High School.  I was still trying to find my place in the world of highschool and I was feeling lost, alone and abandoned.

Yet in the other part of my life I was part of a friendship where I was again 1 of 3.  Kathy, Erika and I were inseparable.   There were times where I felt superior to Erika simply because Kathy would spend more “time” with me.  However Kathy, Erika and I were split into two different groups within Scouts.  The group they Kathy and Erika belonged in was seen as the “cool” or “popular” group.  Also in their group was Fiona and at times I was so jealous of her.

I felt that she had taken over my place in the group. Again I tried to do everything and anything in my power to keep this friendship.  Be good enough for people!  In the end my parents found out that Erika and Kathy were talking behind my back and setting me up for a cruel joke which involved a boy.

When my parents told me I was both crushed and devastated, I could not understand again what it was that I had done that was so wrong to these friends to treat me so badly.

The next age that tested up for me was age 29, I remember exactly what happened at this time and here  is the post that I wrote way back.  Recently I sent a long email to Suzi after reading one of the books on friendships and finally was able to explain exactly what I feel towards my friends and the fear I have in my heart.

Here is where the "But" comes in and here is where my doubt, low self-esteem and crap comes in.  BUT when you talk about your other girlfriends, about Laura, Paz and other friends that you have and when you talk about how close you are and how they are like your Best friends.  I get jealous and I automatically feel as though you no longer see my as your "best friend" because you have replaced me...stupid I know!

Pretty bad huh?

But I am trying to be 100% honest here and please keep reading before reacting :)

Instead of being happy for you that you have been blessed with all these different friendships, I automatically assume that there must be something wrong with me!  This is what goes through my mind "There must be something wrong with me, if Zsuzsi (or anyone) has found another friend".  Now I recognise that this is stupid.  But you see once this happens, i start backing away because i make the wrong assumption that I am no longer needed.

So recognising this type of behaviour is big step for me.  At least now I can start making changes.

What I had recognised in this email and what I have known but refused to acknowledge was that I am a very jealous person.  At the age of 6 it started with me being jealous of Anna and then at the age of 12 I was jealous of Erika and Fiona.  I never understood what I was simply not enough!  Why did my friends need other people?  Why was I not enough?

Can you see how this has been my core belief for so long?  That I was simply not good enough for anyone because they found other friends! It is something I continue to struggle with still today.

On Wednesday the emotions that came pouring out of me were:
. Black despair
. Jealousy
. Fear
. Hopelessness
. Control
. Abandonment
. Lost

I have been balanced and these emotions have come to the surface for me to continue to deal with.  I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know what I need to do to stop feeling these.

All I do know is that I need help.

Wednesday 15 August 2012

Happy 6th Birthday Jordan


Jordy turned 6 on Wednesday, what an emotional day I had.  All the pain for fertility came rushing back.  All the pain of the babies I lost came back, I believe that the universe was trying to remind of the heart ache of the past. I survived then and will survive now.

I still remember the day we found out that Jordy was a Boy.  I still remember the day, the glorious day that I became the mother I was destined to become.

I am so proud of the son I have, he is kind, caring and loving.  He is smart and has such a curious mind. I see so much of myself in my little boy. I just pray that I will do the universe justice in being the mother that my son needs.

Tuesday 14 August 2012

A possible cure?


I have been thinking about my previous post which is not what normally happens to me, usually once I write all my feelings down it is out of my head. This is my avenue to work out all my thoughts feelings so I was surprised that my previous post was still jumbling around.

I was thinking about how my issues with “best friends” and how it may date back to when I was 6 years old.

“All I want is to feel as though I am cherished and treasured friend”. 

With that thought the image of myself as a 6 year old being held, loved and cherished, came into my mind.

“That is what I need to help me, a friend that loves me for who I am to hold me like I am cherished and treasured, to help heal me.  I need help to be healed”.

My awesome kinesiologist suggested that I do a Lomi Lomi massage. Which I never heard of and didn’t give it much thought until now.  Lomi Lomi massage is meant to help move deep emotional issues. I will ponder this and see if I should do something like that to help heal my inner child.

*sigh* i need a hug!

Sunday 12 August 2012

An "Ah-ha" moment

I am inspired by many sources and places. Simply driving down a country road will inspire me to stop and just absorb the beauty that nature provided.

If you have read some of my previous posts you will know that Oprah is also an inspiration to me and she often referred to certain distinct moments as “Ah-ha”.

I had one at 4:30am this morning.  I woke due nature calling and as I attempted to go back to sleep the usual thoughts started “Why am I not worthy enough?”, “What did I do that was so wrong?”, “What do I need to do differently in future?”, “Maybe Nick is right, I am too overwhelming”, “I am not even worthy of being in the same room with them”.

These questions and other uber bad thoughts rolling around in my head, along with the thoughts my mind then tries to remember moments of time where I went wrong.  I am desperately seeking the problem in order to fix what I did wrong.

As my mind is racing away, like a flickering page book.  One scene that was completely unexpected popped into my head. 

There is little Mari, she is a 6 years for age, skinny little thing all legs and arms. She has just been hurt for the first time by girls she thought were her best friends.  She is crying and scared and questioning everything about herself (recognise this??).

An older version of Mari enters and says “Here is a layer to help protect yourself for the hurt of other people”. 

There was always an emotional reason for my excess weight.  I found it so hard to pinpoint, my body does not produce the right hormones which I have well documented.  No amount of dieting and fitness will help me to lose weight until I work out the emotional reason for my obesity. 

At 4:30am this morning I finally realised that the reason why I am so obese was because I was and still am trying to protect myself from friends that hurt me in the past.

This realisation was my “Ah-ha” moment, because as soon as I had this thought it felt as though things clicked into place.

18 years ago when my first love told me to leave his life, I was hurt and depressed.  At that time I doubted myself and tried to figure out what I did that was wrong. The feelings I felt at the time were always sadness, hurt and disbelief.

This time when I was told that my “best friend” status is no longer valued and never really had any meaning.  I am angry, furious and in a constant rage.  Why? Well the difference between now and then, is that I know my worth!

I have to wonder if the main reason these past 7-8 months have been so hard is because the universe is trying to get me to realise that I am fat because I am trying to protect the 6 year old Mari that was hurt deeply.

I will ponder this the next time I see my kinesiologist, but somehow this resonates with me to my core.