Sunday 21 December 2008

Love & Hate

If there are any infertiles still reading this blog, I would suggest that you don’t continue reading this post as I feel the need to vent about this pregnancy, but I also feel the need to state the positives.

Hate

This is what I hate about this pregnancy:
* I’m huge, my belly is just so big I’m finding it hard to do anything
* I can’t bend over anymore and pick things up and I’ve still got 7-8 weeks left
* I hate the crampy pains when I roll over in bed
* I hate it when I’m walking and I get a cramp
* I hate it that I can’t walk as much and would love to take Jordy for his morning / afternoon walk
* I hate it that I can’t get on the ground and play with Jordy, it is just too hard to get back up
* I’m hating the heartburn (although it is not as bad as it was with Jordy)
* I hate feeling so heavy
* I hate feeling so tired
* I hate the breathlessness and dizziness

Love

This is what I love about this pregnancy:
* I love knowing which baby is moving, our little boy is just as active as Jordan was,
* I love that Tim just gets up and helps with out having to be asked
* I love that I’m having twins and I feel very blessed.
* I’m really happy that this pregnancy has been relatively easy with no complications (so far).
* I love having more scans so that I can see the babies more often
* I’m lucky that most of my clothes still fit
* I’m excited about the babies coming and completing our little family
* I love it that I’m having a boy and a girl
* I love the support I’m getting from Tim

Overall

I’m actually relieved that this is my last pregnancy, we will not be trying for another baby as the risk for another set of twins is very high especially as it runs in my family and I've got my two boys and little girl, what more could I ask for?

I’m excited and looking forward to bringing the babies home, however I just know how hard the next 7-8 weeks are going to be. If I’m already complaining about how heavy I feel now then what will it be like when both of them are close to 2kg’s each?

I’m not “OVER” the pregnancy, not by far as these babies still need to bake a little longer. I’m just mourning the fact that I can’t do as much as I would like!

Thursday 18 December 2008

Send Off


I decided to leave work earlier as appointments and other engagements were starting to pile up on me. Plus it didn’t effect the pay out that I would be receiving.

As there are a number of people leaving the department there was one lunch organised for all 4 of us, the turn was pretty big approx 50 people and it was good to see some of my old friends for other departments.

The only down side to the afternoon was receiving a phone call from Day Care saying that Jordy had been ill and could I please come and pick him up. Tim couldn’t sign off and pick him up and I was on my way a lunch that was partially for me. My Mum was not available and my MIL has no car seat.

In the end I was able to eat and say my speech which was rushed and I had received another call that he was really not well.

I felt bad for leaving so quickly but there is nothing I can do about a sick child. The good thing about gastro (yes there is a good thing) is that it only lasts 24 hours.

I requested that any gift being bought for my farewell be purchased for the babies. This is what I received:

Two photo albums, some funky socks and clothes.
Posted by Picasa

Friday 12 December 2008

R.I.P Nagy Mamma

We received the news that my maternal Grandmother passed away sometime this week. She had been ill for a while but most recently had gone down hill. She lived in Hungary and was my only living grandparent. It is times like these that you really feel the distance.

I had only met her handful of times and the last time I saw her was in 2003, when Tim and I were in Hungary for 3 months.

My mother will be going home for the funeral in January.

It is hard to find the ‘right’ words and ‘kind’ words considering how she treated my mother. I was brought up to respect my elders and the dead.

So in short R.I.P Nagy Mamma
.

Wednesday 3 December 2008

After 9 years of service

My position has been made redundant.

How do I feel?

I'm very very happy, the payout that I will be receiving means that I can be a full time Mum whilst still supporting my family.

It does mean that we will not be building our new house and we will be staying put. I'm ok with that, there was no guarantee that we would sell this house, so there was no guarantee that we would ever have built our new one.

Now the decision has been made and we can relax and concentrate on preparing our current home for the babies.

Whilst I'm happy, I'm also sad to say goodbye to all my friends at work.

Friday 28 November 2008

The universe will provide....

A fork in the road and in my case it is not a fork but a huge big round about with different paths leading off into separate directions. I’m facing a big decision that I need to make to a deadline which has not be set by me.

Today I think that I need this blog more than any day previously. Since the phone call from work, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about our round about fork in the road.

If I were to stand in the middle of the traffic circle and look down one road, it would show me staying in our current house and making do with the room that we have. When I turn clock wise to my right the next road along show us selling our current home and building our new one.

The next road on my right shows me staying at my current job, working till the second week of January and going on maternity leave for at least 12 months after which I would return to work on a part time basis.

Then next road shows me nominating to take the redundancy package being offered leaving my secure job to face life as a SAHM until our funds run out, forcing me back into the work force on a full time basis.

The decision that I need to make today is to let my Team Leader know my intensions, do I want to stay or do I want to go? If this was offered to me whilst pregnant with Jordy I would’ve taken it, with no reservations. Today however, is a whole different story because of our intention to sell this house.

My heart is not set on building as I’m a firm believer that if it is meant to happen then it will. The universe will provide a direction; I just need to be open minded.

What would it mean?
If I say yes to the package there is no guarantee that I will be selected. But if I said no then there is the possibility that I will regret that decision.
8+ years is a long time to be with one employer, but is it time for me to move on? Perhaps only the universe knows.

If I got the redundancy package it would mean that I would have a years worth of mortgage payments (possibly more), it would also mean that we would take the house off the market and would not build a new one. It would also mean that I could possibly start a whole new career.

What is the problem?
I want it all, that is my problem, I want to sell this house and build our new one with the nice big back yard and room for all of us. I want to stay at home for a year and I want the money that this package is offering. That is the problem and that is what I think that I need to get over. I need to get over the fact that I want it all and I wish with all my heart that the universe could provide us with all. The universe may but the bank will not lend me money if I’m no longer employed.

Decision
Before we started trying for number 3, I asked the universe: “should I stay at my current job or should I leave”. The universe provided me with the answer “STAY”, because I fell pregnant on our first OI cycle to twins.

With the news of the twins, whilst a shock and a blessing I do remember distinctly turning to Tim and saying “The universe would not be giving us this precious gift of twins with out some sort of plan to help us. It would not set us up to fail or loose our house”. With all my heart and soul I still believe this.

So will I take the package or not?
I think that I will let the universe decide and finally I’m ok with this decision.

Mari – continue to have faith that the universe will provide.

Wednesday 26 November 2008

The appointment

I had the appointment with the psychiatrist the other week and it left me wanting. I felt as though I was given the brush off, “your doing just fine”, “your already doing the things that I would suggest to you” and “if you need to speak to people use your support network and see your GP”.

On one hand I’m glad that I got the reassurance that the preparation that I’ve started to do is “the right thing”. But on the other, I still have a lot of anxiety about these babies being healthy and able to come home with me.

I’m currently booked into the same hospital as I was with Jordy, the hospital is about 5 minutes away and has a country hospital feel about it, you know welcoming, caring and professional. It is a private hospital and I’m looking forward to having the babies there. My concern is that because it is a small-ish hospital the level of nursery care is low.

They have a level 1 Nursery – which entails basic life support for neonates. My OB also delivers at another hospital (where I had my gall bladder removed) this one is about 30 minutes away and has a Level 3 Nursery.

A level 3 nursery is also known as a Special care nursery; Where they Manage babies born >32 weeks gestation with minimal complications and small babies growing up. Facilities include humidicribs, cardiorespiratory monitoring, IV fluid therapy, tube feeds and phototherapy.

The closest NICU is about 45 minutes away and my OB does not deliver there, so it would mean a new Dr, and I’m not even sure that I would be able to see one that is recommended.

So the big question I’m facing is: Should I stay at this hospital or move “just in case” there is a problem? Then I think, perhaps I’m making a big deal about this.

The psychiatrist could see that I needed to have a plan in place, but here I’m trying to plan for something that is totally out of my hands. My gut feeling is telling me to stay at my current hospital and if the babies are really that unwell then they will be moved and cared for. My private health insurance cover all the care that they may possibly need.

A great friend also suggested that I ask my OB for his opinion. Knowing how this pregnancy is progressing, what would he recommend?

I admit that I’m not coping very well this week, Jordy has not been himself and the past 2 days he has woken from his afternoon nap with a 39.5 degree temperature. I’ve been to the Dr twice but there is nothing wrong with him.

This whole situation has got me so anxious, I’m literally chasing him around the house with the thermometer. I have to wonder “am I making myself feel this way for attention”, or “am I just a drama queen”.

Wednesday 27 August 2008

Excited

Admittedly I haven't been as excited about this pregnancy as I was with the first. I've been more worried and anxious about other things and if I'm going to be brutally honest, these babies have not come at the best time. But there is never the "best time".

Ok now having said the above I want to make it perfectly clear that I strongly believe with every fiber of my body that the universe would not have given us this beautiful gift of two babies, just to set us up to fail and loose everything.

Financially we aren't as ready to have these babies as what I would like to be. All our credit cards are maxed out and the thought of being off from work for a long period of time scares the hell out of me. No income...how are we going to eat.

At the start of the year I was reading one of my Sci-Fi books and in that book the words "The universe will provide" stood out for me along with some other insightful words. So while we are both worried about finances, the house, to buy, build, renovate or stay. I believe that the universe will provide us with answers.

Going into the OI cycle that created these little ones, another decision was waiting for me at the end. Which was to stay at my current job or leave. The universe decided that for me too, as I stayed.

My excitment really started today, when I saw both my little ones on the ultrasound. How precious they were waving their hands and moving around. In March I'm going to have two extra little babies in my life.

So whilst money drives us all and is still a concern for me, those concerns are shadowed when thinking about holding my new precious little ones in March.

I've talked about the house situation before and we have reached a decision. We are going to upgrade our house, if the price is right for us and we are going to build again. Saves on the stamp duty, we are currently looking at house and land packages as they are a cheaper option than buying land and then building a house.

First thing is first, we have to pay off 5 credit cards. I'm happy to report that with some of our Tax Return we were able to finally cut one of our cards up. Cancelled, paid off in full and cut up so as to never be used again. What a day that was. Jordy had no idea why Mummy and Daddy were running around screaming at the top of our lungs and giggling like kids when were cutting the cards up.

But in the end the universe is providing us with a solution that will help us in the long run and because of that I feel that I can now fully concentrate on being excited about my two new little babies.

Tuesday 29 July 2008

There are two!


I'm having twins, yes twins. When I say those words my heart still leaps.

Last Monday when I had the 7 week ultrasound we saw both our babies. To say we were shocked in an understatement, to say we are overwhelmed is putting things mildly.

All in all I feel blessed with the gift of these babies.

My first OB appointment is today, so I will try to update more this afternoon.
Posted by Picasa

Tuesday 15 July 2008

Western medicine meets natural

That is what it took for me to fall pregnant this time around. But let me start with Clomid.

I went back to the Fertility specialist in January as my periods went back to the “normal” cycle, for me that means, having a bleed once every two to three months. Normal right?

He recommended Clomid as a first try as I had already been pregnant and this time around “It should be much easier for you”. I was not happy but I gave it a go and I regret the fact that I wasted so much time.

It was a horrific experience, I was in so much pain that I could hardly walk and have sex, there was no question, I was basically in too much pain. On top of all that my hormones were playing havoc and I turned into a right royal bitch.

After that cycle, was over I thought that I would go back and see the F/s and discuss my options. I had a new f/s as the other one is retiring, she also recommended another 2 cycles of Clomid. This time I built up enough confidence to stand up and say that I was not happy with Clomid and I would prefer Ovulation Induction again. Give me needles over that evil drug any day!

In the back of my mind I’ve had the questions about work, babies and a new job all muddled in together. I couldn’t make the decision, of staying, having another baby or leaving for another job. What I did decide was that I would let the universe decide for me.

I put everything into this cycle, I didn’t just go with the flow. I had a full body reki session performed on me and I saw a new Kinesiologist (from fertile ground) every fortnight. I truly believe that all this combined with the injections is the reason why it only took me one cycle of OI to conceive.

The universe did decide for me…I am going to have another baby. I’m continuing to have my hCG levels monitored but and have my first baby scan next Monday. I am nervous, anxious but I take strength from my hormone numbers.

My p4 levels in the second half of the cycle were nice and high above 50. My first hCG at just on 4 weeks was 403 (top of the range) and last week they were over 8000+, nice and strong.

Jordy is aware of the pregnancy, but doesn’t really understand what it all means. I’m continuing to work with the Kinesiologist to ensure that all is balanced. Baby, Jordy, Tim and me.