Ildiko Antal - My sister

3/10/1958 to 7/12/2013:

My Eulogy:

For those that do not know me my name is Maria and I am Ildiko’s younger sister.  When I received the shocking news that Ildiko had passed away, I couldn’t believe it Ildi was only 55 years old and she had so much life left to live. On that fateful day when I was driving over to see Frank and the girls I had an overwhelming sense that I would be standing in front of you all talking about my sister.  Ever since then I have been plagued day and night with random sentences of what I would say today.

Nothing could have ever prepared me to write this Eulogy, so I turned to the only source that could perhaps guide me on the appropriate words to say.  Yes I googled.  I was immediately bombarded with various examples and more information that I could handle.

In the past 2 weeks I have re-written this Eulogy many times even today, I started documenting Ildi’s life chronologically, but somehow that didn’t seem right.  I then started to a last letter to my sister, but that was not right either.

Instead I put on some Hungarian music that I know that she loved and let Ildi guide my fingers on the key board.

Firstly I like to thank all of you for coming here today and even though today is tragic and a day that we will never forget.  I hope that everyone here hold can hold their heads high. Ildi would have wanted us to celebrate her life and be strong for Frank and her two beautiful daughters.

I have so many wonderful memories of my sister.  My brother and I were indeed blessed to have an older sister like Ildi. Even though there was 17 years between us and she was married and moved away, she was still so much part of our childhood and she was always there for me. Like the time when Ildi used her day off from work to take me out for a fun day of shopping when I was having a difficult time at school.

Growing up I used to get teased that Ildi was not my real sister that she was my “half-sister”.  This would hurt me deeply because in my heart she was my sister, there was nothing half about it.  I was always so proud that I had an older sister and I idolised her. 

Ildiko lost her father tragically through a car accident at the tender age of 3, it would be 10 years later that once again her life would change drastically, when my mother remarried and she was adopted by my Father. 

At the age of 14 Ildiko immigrated Australia. As a shy girl that knew no English she started at High School at Camberwell High.  Our father told me that he will never be able to forget feeling guilty for having to leave lldi at school that very first day, I mean here was his new daughter being left at a school where she had no friends and did not speak the language, no wonder our father cried all the way back to the car.

This however did not phase Ildiko, she took every situation in her stride and met every challenge head on.  I believe that it was through her early childhood experiences that made her the strong woman that many of you came to know and cherish, I know I did.

Ildiko loved learning and she thrived at being a student.  Within 3 years of arriving in Australia, Ildi finished high school and commenced working fulltime at the Egg board in Port Melbourne whilst studying part time to become a Laboratory Technician and then she further studied to become a qualified Microbiologist. We should not have been surprised when Ildi after serving 25 years at Farm Pride Eggs she went back to school to further her education in a completely different field and fulfil her lifelong dream of becoming a nurse.

Ildi taught me that “There is never a stupid question, that you ask as many questions as you need in order to find the answers you are seeking.”  So I did, I asked my questions to help learn and grow as an individual.  Would you believe that at work I am known to always ask questions, to the point where recently I was told jokingly that I ask too many questions?

I learnt how to be an awesome mother from my sister.  I was 14 years old when Ellie was born and I think I almost lived there on the weekends.  I am still surprised that Frank and Ildi didn’t change the locks on me as I was over the all the time.  I learnt how to change nappies, feed, bath and care for a child.  More importantly I learnt how to shower a child with love.

To me Ildi was the poster woman for a Super Mum, she worked full time, raised two beautiful girls, had a life outside of work, knew what it meant to have work life balance, and eventually she studied part time.

I’m sure like most of you will always remember Ildi’s dinner parties. It was rare that a month go by where we didn’t go over to Ildi’s house in Ferntree Gully for dinner. I learnt how to prepare for an event, how play Gin Rummy and Hungarian Cards, and more importantly I learnt how to ensure that guests felt welcome and comfortable.

 We always knew that there would be a feast at Ildi’s and her cooking rivalled even our mothers.  But I always secretly looked forward to her Pavlova.  Ildi made the best Pavlova I have ever had.  Later in life after I had married and would host an event at my place and I would always ask Ildi to make her Pavlova.  How much am I going to miss that Pavlova!

I don’t want to paint the picture that our relationship was always rosy, every family have their difficulties and I can’t help feel robbed that the last 6 years of Ildi’s life we had become estranged.  A dear friend recently reminded me of this. We will never have the chance to bridge the gap in our relationship and this continues to fill me with regret.  However those differences and hard feelings do not seem important now as I know my sister loved me and I loved her dearly. Frank you were right things could’ve been a lot worse. 

Even through her death Ildi is still teaching me important life lessons, like family  and those that are considered as family are more important than any petty differences you may have. That living life with love and forgiveness of family, friends and oneself is better than holding onto the past. So I choose to remember Ildi the way we were in the photo’s that you will see, sisters, friends, family.

Was Ildi perfect? No she wasn’t, no one is and more importantly neither am I.  But she was the prefect wife to Frank, perfect daughter to our dear mother, perfect mother to her girls and a perfect sister to Joseph and I.

Will we miss her? Beyond a shadow of a doubt, she will be dearly missed.

It is cruel that Ildi was taken from her the love of her life Frank so suddenly and from her beautiful daughters.  Ellie, Tina, Ildi may not be with you physically on your wedding day, or when you welcome your children into the world.  But she will always be with you in spirit and if you need to see her then all you have to do is look in the mirror and see her within both of you.

Ellie, you have Ildi’s eyes, her strength.  Tina you have her flamboyant curious spirit.  Your mother is within you, and you will never be truly alone.

Goodbye my dear sister, may you rest in peace, look down from heaven above and know that you will forever be in our hearts.

Here I am

I made it to my weekend away; the cabin is exactly what I had imagined.

As I walked into this cabin I was greeted with Classical music playing over the surround sound system and a fire burning in the fireplace. A quick look around and I discovered the sunken spa bath. I then went outside and took a deep breath. 

I just finished my home cooked Chicken soup, one of my favourite DVD’s is on and a quick blog post then I will hit the tub. 

I have brought all the food I will need and I have no plans for tomorrow, as yet. Beauty about this weekend is, that it doesn’t matter what I do because this time is my own. 

Mari has arrived.

Avenue

*WARNING – Lots of swearing*

I just do not understand how this particular situation continues to reoccur. I have tried all other avenues of trying to let go but it just keeps on coming back. I hate feeling like this and I hate not being true to myself.

Logically I know that I can not please everyone and logically I know that I will not be liked by everyone.  The same goes for me, there are some people at work that are nice people and I can work with them but am not friends with.

I recently moved to the next phase of this project, I even asked / persuaded requested the move.  I was so excited about it, finally after over 2 years of doing things the wrong way we were finally moving in the right direction!  Finally I would be able to get back to the basics and do proper BSA work.

Day 1 I hit the ground running, I am all of a sudden invited to all the meetings, becoming involved in all the detail.  At that point my frame of mind was “I am a darn good BSA” and “They need me to complete this phase”. There were disagreements, there were heated discussions in the end we always reached a mutual outcome.

THEN…then…THEN Deepa comes back from Annual Leave and all hell breaks loose.  I have tried so hard….tried and tried and tried to get to know deepa on a personal level.  Tried to find some fucking common ground.  Tried to get to know her as a person…Why? To help build a better working relationship, as she is after all my line manager.

Nothing has worked, so before she went on leave I decided to be true to myself and continue to work as I have.  I get along with all these different people and even received multiple awards from this Client. 

Hmmmm

Mari – why the fuck does one person’s Deepa’s opinion matter to you??? Why the fuck are you trying so hard to impress her??

She is after all one fucking person.

I saw Daniela the other week and she said that Deepa continues to affect me because I have unresolved issues relating to my self-esteem and the fear of failure.  FEAR of FAILURE..

I am in my field; I am safe, loved and warm.  The field is in a valley and I am surrounded by snow caped mountains. The sun is shining and it is always beautiful here.

I walk slowly to the beam of pure white light; I take 4 deeps breaths before I walk into the pool of light.  I allow the purity to wash through me before I tackle this task.  I am centred and in my sacred circle.

Before me appears the people that I want to remove the physic hooks from.  They are protected in their own circle. I will all the hooks and lines to become visible there are so many.  There are just too many hooks to count coming from the people at work.  I start to remove them from my body and each time I remove a hook I say “Thank you for this lesson.  This is my energy and you are NOT entitled to it any longer”.  I say this over and over as each hook is removed.  When all the hooks are removed from one person and before I move onto the next I ensure that I allow the white light that surrounds me to heal the wounds of where the hooks were lodged.

That is when I move onto the next person and follow the same process over and over until I am standing alone completely healed and have no more hooks protruding out of my body.

I them move out of the beam of pure light and walk towards the middle of the field when I reach the centre I look down to find an orange deflated balloon on the ground.  I pick it up and then proceed to blow the balloon up.  Each time I breathe into the balloon I release a concept of FEARING TO FAIL.

F = FALSE – What is false, it is false that I am NOT a good working

E = EXPECTATIONS – having the assumption that I would be fired for making mistakes is stupid

A = APPEARING – I am seeing enemies everywhere I look and my perception are being skewed by my self doubt

R = REAL – I am making my own F.E.A.R.S manifest as I am putting too much pressure on myself.

I will not lose my job. 

I will not be fired from this Client not after almost 3 years if I make a mistake.

I will not fail at doing my job.

When there is no more F.E.A.R’s coming to my mind I tie the end of the balloon off and let it go.  The balloon floats up into the sky and is blown away.

I just need to remind myself:

·         I am the BEST (I have best in my surname after all seBESTyen)

·         I am an awesome BSA’s

·         I believe in myself

·         I believe in my skills

·         My intentions are ALWAYS positive

I may need to check in on these often to ensure that I am continuing to re-iterate and believe “fake it until I make it”

Vége, The End, Fin

Hello Ambarish

Thank you for saying those hurtful words the other week

"Just because I talk to you does not mean we are friends"

Thank you from the bottom of my heart sincerely thank you.

Thank you for all you have taught me in this Friendship

 

A shiny new toy.

When a child receives a new toy, they are excited.  It is the best feeling in the word providing this joy to any child, be it your own or others. Sometimes the child also becomes obsessed with the toy.  It has to be with all the time, almost 24/7. They can’t get enough of their toy; sometimes they won’t even eat or sleep without having the toy near.

I have something new in my life it is a new and close friendship one that I feel completely blessed for having, and I feel like a child with a new toy.  I’m waiting for the whole “It is new and shiny” feeling to go away, for the toy in this regard to be broken. To date this has not happened and at the age of 35 I have never had this kind of friendship before…where I have become very close very quick and I have not done something to stuff it all up.

In my past I have allowed myself to get hurt with new friendships…allowed myself?

Yes I get emotionally involved; because I cherish all my friendships and I give my heart out to others to fulfil rather than fulfil my heart on my own…see it all stems from my own self-worth!

I knew I was going somewhere with this post!

I also know that if I wait for something long enough then eventually either I or the universe will provide or eventually make it happen.

So I have decided that I’m sick of waiting, I am actually not going to allow anything to stuff up this shiny new friendship…who knows how long it will last and I pray that it is for a very long time. I’m not going to worry about the expiry date and I’m not going to give this shiny new person the responsibility of boosting my self-worth.

I’m secure in the knowledge that I have found (or have been blessed with receiving) this very rare friend indeed.  Where not only am I completely 100% honest, but I am secure in the knowledge that my friendship to them is treasured just as much as theirs is for.

I have never met someone who has accepted me 100% as me and has not tried to change any aspect of myself. Not even my own husband accepted me fully.

Religious or Spiritual?

Ever since our glorious weekend away early in March, my poor husband has been spending a lot of time sleeping either on the couch or in the study on the fold out bed.  Why?

I am snoring, really badly.  I don’t hear it and I don’t even know I am doing it but apparently it is very bad.  Last week I saw my Kinesiologist who found that my snoring is linked to my spirit.  It came up that I was confused, the best way for me to work out things is to of course write.

So why am I confused now?  I think that it is because I finally finished reading “Soul Contracts” where the author quoted a lot of scripture from the Bible.  So it made me question.

I was raised as a Catholic, went through all the Catholic rituals Baptism, Holy Communion, Confirmation and Marriage all in a catholic church.  My family and I did not attend church every Sunday, we just didn’t.  My children will also go through the Catholic rituals, why? Well because I believe that they are important.

Do I consider myself a Catholic now?  No I don’t.  I believe in re-incarnation and past lives – Catholics don’t.  I believe in Karma – Catholics believe in an eye for an eye. I do believe in Jesus and Mary and I believe in God (or the universe).  I believe in Mother Nature.

I do not agree that God is unforgiving and would send someone to hell, as Catholics are lead to believe. 

I consider myself more spiritual than religious.  I am open to other religions and love hearing about the stories, I read a book a very long time ago that had evidence that all Angels in ALL religions are the same. 

Not sure why I am really confused because I have been pretty clear with myself.  I know that God will not forsake me simply because I don’t go to church every Sunday. Most time after my appointments with the kinesologist I do go to the church across the road is it a beautiful old church and when I walk in I always feel a sense of peace.

Whenever I am back in Hungary, I always make it an effort to go to church with my Aunty.  This is my familial church, where my Grandmother was baptised, where my grandparent were married.  Where my father was baptised and where my parents were married. 

My Aunty attends every Sunday, when my cousin became a Doctor my Aunty moved from the “family pew” to the front row.  As a show of “prestige”, her son lives on the same property as my Aunty and has ever since he has been married.  My Aunty is not a nice person to her Daughter in law, yet because she goes to Church every Sunday, she would be considered as a “Good Catholic woman”.  I am not saying that I am better than my Aunty, what I am trying to say is that she is no better than me just because she goes to church.

I try to live my life where I follow my own rules in life “Treat others how you would want to be treated”. Ambarish told me a long time ago that this was wrong, this base rule of my life was simply incorrect as it meant that I had expectations. I allowed his belief to cloud mine.  I allowed his opinion to override mine.  It is was something that I had lived with for over 20 years.  I always treat people how I would want to be treated.  It did not mean I expectations, it meant I was considerate of others and how I treated them, if they did not treat me the same way I would not hold it against them and I would continue to treat them kindly and with love.

Monthly Check in

It is that time again to check in with my goals, I really like doing this, checking in every month or so to see how I am going.  It helps to build on my motivation and seeing that I am making headway into my goals gives me a lot of encouragement:

1.    Financial stability

My Grocery bill has been reduced from $300.00 per week to under $200.00, I am not buying unnecessary items and whilst we still have variety it is not being bought all at once.  I am very proud that I have been able to reduce this!

With the respect of last week, I have brought lunch into work at least once a week, some weeks it has been twice.  Even when I had twisted my ankle I made sure that I brought something in.

I paid my first bill on the due date over the weekend and I have set up my Google Calendar to mark in the days that I need to pay bills.  This has started working and I hope that finally we will get on top of the debt that we feel we have.

The best thing about this goal is that my husband and I are talking about money for the first time in our marriage, with no arguments and no freak outs.  Tim can’t handle money very well and tended to freak out about how much was in our account. 

Just last night I set up the automatic savings into Tim’s account where it was $20.00 per week. Also just this weekend I finally too all my medical bills that had been lingering to get the money back from Medicare and my Private health fund.

So let me recap my short time were:
1. To start paying all my bills on time. - STARTED
2. To start taking lunch into work once a week - COMPLETED
3. To save $20 a week initially and then build up to $100 - STARTED
4. To reduce our take away / fast food diners to once a week - COMPLETED
5. To merge all our superannuation into one fund each. – NOT STARTED

80% of my goals already achieved, so happy about this!

2.    To nurture the friendships I have in order to ensure that they are life long

I have set up the times that I need to call my friends on my calendar and already tried to call Lj to touch base.  I hadn’t received a call back but that is ok, at least I made the first move and NOT sat around and waited, like I would have.

I spent the weekend away with Zsuszi which was just awesome and felt refreshed after that glorious weekend.  Now I just have to keep the momentum.

I haven’t had the conversation with Ambar if this is something that he wants me to do, call him once a month to catch up.  At this stage I am not really sure where I stand with this particular friendship.

3.    To remove the remaining doubts I have with regards to worthiness of friendships

I saw my kinesiologist about 2 weeks ago and she helped me with remove the physic hook properly this time, I was not doing it correctly.  Since them I have felt much lighter and instead of being consumed every hour with doubts I may only doubt once a day.  I am no longer consumed with the reoccurring thoughts of “what did I do wrong”, “what is wrong with me”, “I will never be good enough”. 

I just finished reading “Inside the Other Side: Soul Contracts” and I am continuing to read “The Power of Now”.  Where I learnt to just stop the spiralling thoughts, when I feel that they are starting to run away from me I stop and concentrate on the moment.  Listen to the sounds around me, watch the trees dancing in the wind.  Look for the beauty in the environment I am in. 

I don’t seem to be aware of how much my thoughts run away from me.  I don’t seem to be aware of how often this happens to me.

It is when my thoughts spiral away that the doubts come in, because the thoughts are never positive.  It is the negativity that runs and jumps to conclusions, makes assumptions and causes me so my internal pain.

Reading these self-help books is what really helps me.  As I read I learn and put into practice some of the lessons that resonate with me.  Perhaps I am becoming a “Self-help book junkie!” Not sure.

4.  To respect myself

My Kinesiologist was right this goal will be my biggest hurdle this year. But I am determined to show more respect to myself.

I have requested a meeting with the Business Systems Analyst Manager just today to request the ability to work from home once a week.  The reason for this is not to “take the piss” on the Client but to balance my work and home life.  I want to be able to take Jordy to School in the mornings and pick him up at 3pm.  By reducing the Before and After school care, will also be saving money.

By working from home I will also be saving money as I won’t be using public transport and I won’t be buying lunch.  I have worked from home in the last few months every now and then and have been able to prove that I can still deliver the quality that the client is expecting.

Plus I believe that I deserve the right to work from home after all that I have given this client, I already go above and beyond and knowing that I will be putting in more than 8 hours a day.

So I have not been doing this for myself and will put steps in place to ensure that this month I do or plan the following:

. Schedule in “me” time to once a quarter initially then once a month

. Look at myself every day in the mirror and say “Mari you are magnificent” (and mean it)

5.    To be healthy and happy with my weight

I have stopped reading “Freedom from PCOS: 3 Proven Steps to Naturally Overcome Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome and Insulin Resistance” completely.  I love books and I usually give all of them a benefit of the doubt.  Actually there have been times where I have started reading a book, hated it.  Put it aside and then years later picked it up and read it again.  I am about 60% through the book and just find it hard reading and the same message being delivered over and over. 

I know that I will go back to it eventually but right now it is still on my kindle and will remain until I can bring myself to continue with it again.

I have implemented eating something every 3 hours, even on the days that I do not bring lunch into work I take in a morning snack and afternoon one.  Last week was a bad week for me and I didn’t take anything in, it was just a bad week overall.

My plans with Water Aerobics were put on hold as I had badly twisted my ankle.  Once I have stopped wearing the ankle brace then I know that there will be nothing holding me back from jumping into the pool.

Water continues to be my main source of intake for thirst.  As I have already mentioned, last week was just an off week.  But I have not allowed one off week to undermine my progress.  So water buddy is back in swing!

After my last post where I checked in, I started the Insulite pills and within 3 weeks I had my period for the first time this year.  I know that these work for and I know that my period become regular with these pills.  My only concern is that they cost $250.00 per month and it is money that I just don’t have right now. Perhaps it is something that I need to bring up with Tim.

I also know that the key to losing my weight and becoming healthy is with the Insulite pills and following a High protein diet. I have not weighed myself and maybe I should to see if I have moved anything by simply drinking water.

I am pleased with my progress with my goals and am excited that I am taking the steps to finally break the cycle of negativity!

This is what is it all about!

I went away with just this past weekend for Labour Day and we went with another family. G, Zs and their two beautiful girls.  We had not gone away just the two families for years and I am still glowing for the glorious time we had.

There was a time when walking back to my cabin from theirs that I felt overwhelmed and the thought that kept on coming back to me was “This is exactly what Best friendships are meant to feel like”.

There was no judgement; there was plenty of laughter and lots of love and talking.  Zs and I even though we were playing cards we stayed up until midnight talking nonstop.  There was no push for conversation.  There were no arguments; there were no accusations and there certainly was no hard feelings felt at all for the last 3 days.

What I have with these people are exactly what best friends are all about!

G is my brother from another mother and Zs is my life long best friend.  At one point during the weekend, Zs was comfortable enough to say to me that I come across as “cold” in text messages.  It was never my intention to come across as “cold” because I always feel joy when receiving a message from her.  But I think that because I had been so burnt out but the text messaging wars of late that I was not my normal self when replying. 

The first day when we arrived Zs asked if I was upset with her because I never called her.  I quickly explained that I was so upset with myself that I had twisted my ankle and then gotten really sick just before the weekend that I didn’t have the energy to call because I was wallowing.  As they left us to unpack, I nearly burst into tears at the thought she believed that I was upset with her.  The next morning when I felt more human I preceded to tell her that she is my best friend, there is nothing that can change this between us.  Life gets in the way and it certainly has for me.  My concerns and my energy for another friendship have totally consumed my life and my other friends felt the cold shoulder coming from me.  That was a wakeup call I needed.

This whole weekend was exactly what I had needed, to be with people that have accepted me for who I am and all they expect is from me is to be myself.  There was another point actually the first morning when Zs and I were talking and she says “You are not talking, you are too silent, come tell me all your news”.  I realised that again I was waiting to be asked questions.  I quickly snapped out of it and started to share all that was going on in my life.

This was Zs, this is the person that held my hand as I was sobbing during my first miscarriage.  G on his first date with Zs brought her over to introduce us.  We have travelled together, we have been very drunk together, we have laughed and we have cried together.

This is what it means to have a best friend.  Not what I had been fighting to gain for over a year now. 

I gained a greater appreciation for the friends that I have over the weekend and a big dose of perspective.  I had it right all along the way, I want people in life that Want to be there and that accept me as I am and NOT have to define how I love them. 

With that I am done fighting, I am done proving to Ambar that I am good enough, because this weekend showed me that I am a magnificent Best Friend just the way I am. 

Shift in focus

Shift in focus

For once I am not going to post about myself.  This blog started out documenting my journey to conceive my first child and then I came back to document my journey with conceiving my second (which turned out to be my twin pregnancy).

I have not written about the kids for a very long time.  My home life and my kids have been good in the recent months so there has not been anything to really try to work out here in my blog.  So instead of concentrating on trying to fix and shift the negativity from myself I am going to celebrate my kids!

I have just reviewed my previous posts about my kids and the same words have been used over and over, I will try to not repeat them yet again.

Jordan

Jordy continues to be very sensitive and think that this is just him and he feels things very deeply (wonder where he got that from?). For example, if he wants to play with Rylie or Lilly and they don’t want to play with him.  Jordy will often take this to heart and will say to me “Mummy, no one wants to play with me”, whilst crying.

There is a love / hate relationship between Rylie and Jordy, they love each other fiercely but they also have enormous large fights.  Often we are just being referees to the “BOYS”. 

Jordy has grown very close to my husband and loves spending time together.  During school holidays he will often go with my husband in the “Big Truck”.  I miss my little boy though and have made sure that I spend time with him one on one.  Jordy loves sports and believes that he is a complete expert on Footy (AFL), even though we only really got into the sport as a family last year.

I have many photo’s of Jordy when he was a toddle sitting with piles and piles of books surrounding him; however surprisingly Jordy has quickly been able to grasp the concepts of mathematics easier than he has for reading books and writing.  But everday he is getting better and as parents my husband and I take turns to encourage him to read as much as possible.

Rylan

We call him Rylie as a nick name.  Such a reserved little man Rylie has grown into, he is also sensitive but doesn’t show his emotions as easily as his siblings do.  The other night Tim went and checked up on the boys as they share a room and found Rylie out of bed. He started to scold him for being out of bed, Rylie couldn’t explain to Tim why he was out of bed. So my husband gave him a little tap on the bum.

As I heard the smack I hobbled down (I have recently twisted my ankle really badly) to their room and find out what happened.  I found Rylie getting into bed and as I sat on his bed and touched him and gave him a cuddle he burst into tears.  I attempted to ask why he was out of bed and he was finally able to tell me through his heart wrenching sobs that he was getting a blankie for his older brother.  Just that morning I had done the washing and Rylie had helped me with getting all the kids blankies to wash.  Rylie was so hurt that Daddy scolded him for doing something that was not wrong.

Needless to say Tim felt really guilty when Rylie came out and explained why he was out of bed.

This is how sensitive Rylie and shows how he tries to hide his feelings.  I am the only one he really shows them to, perhaps it is because I approach him with compassion and am always cuddling him.

Rylies worst fear is being left on his own.  If the three of them are playing in the back yard and Jordy and Lilly come inside for some reason Rylie will become hysterical and would scream the back yard down.  In a recent visit with the Kinesiologist we checked in with Rylie to see where that fear came from…can you guess where? Yep from me (but that will be a whole other post).

To help reassure my son that I would never intentionally leave him I had to do some deep reflection and I also took him aside, he and I laid on his bed and I proceeded to explain to him that basically I am at fault and I love him too much to leave him.  We haven’t checked to see if this has worked for him but I hope that one day he will be able to spend time on his own without that overwhelming fear he was experiencing.

Rylie is our sports man, give him any type of sport equipment and he wields it like a pro.  He took to swimming like a fish, it is so cute to watch him dive into the pool and duck dive under the water.  Unfortunately he is still a little too young to join the Junior Football club with his big brother but he only has to wait a year.

I do have some concerns with Rylie being ready for Primary school. One of the things I learnt when attending the “Are you kids ready for School” seminar before Jordy went to school was to gauge if the child has the ability to express his feelings when upset.  Even when wailing can your child explain to the Teacher what happened and what made them upset.

Rylie doesn’t do that yet, the other day my mother (she looks after the twins a day each week) asked him what he wanted to breakfast and because my mother didn’t hear him very well she gave him Weetbix.  Rylie sat there staring at the plate for 10 minutes not saying a word.  He has done this with us also just sitting there in silence until we try to figure out what is going on with him.  Usually it is one look from me and I am able to work out what is going on.  We are trying to help him to “use his words”.

Lillian

I have no idea where to start with Lilly and what to say that has not already been said before.  When I think of my daughter I think of “Love personified”.  She is LOVE in a tiny girl’s body; she showers everyone she meets with love from her heart.

The other day I had a very high fever and was not well at all, I was in the shower and Lilly came in and just stood there I told her to go but she refused.  As I stepped out of the shower and helped dry my legs. I was telling her that I would be going for a little sleep and her response was “I want to tuck you in Mummy”.  That is exactly what she did, she put me to bed, tucked me in and climbed up into the bed next to me and proceeded to stroke my forehead.  She could feel how hot I was getting so she got under the covers and cuddled me to get better.  How cute is that?

Once she saw that I was drifting off to sleep she quietly slipped out of bed and closed my curtains and door, every 5-10 minutes I would hear the door open and see her little face look over at me.  She was checking up on me to see if I was ok. This is my daughter, she cares deeply for everyone and is especially attached to me.

Everyone that meets Lilly instantly falls in love with her.  I introduced Lilly to Ambarish and they forged a very tight bond.  While Lilly allows others to hold her, if Ambarish is there she will go to him first. We took the family into the city to celebrate an Indian festival of Diwali which the kids loved hearing the different music and learning how to dance.   My greatest memory is that the first time Lilly ever saw fireworks was whilst being held in Ambarish’s arms.  She was squeezing his head so tight from the loud noise, a cherished memory indeed.

Lilly loves to dance and I started her in a class last year but for some reason either she didn’t like to the place, teacher or the kids.  Not sure because she refused to go.  However she knows all the top 10 songs playing on the radio and sings along to them all.  In movies if there is music playing she will get up off the couch and proceed to dance. 

Her prized possession is any dress that twirls when she spins, as these dresses “they work mummy”. She is such an easy going girl, sensitive and loves to cuddle but is just such a joy to have. 

I am certainly blessed to have these kids and need to appreciate them more than I do! 

My prayer

God,  take this over from me, I want to be at peace. This is not feeling good to me. I don't understand. Please help me. I want to.be at peace.

Questions

Finally here is my post about questions!

Questions are a part of our lives. When you meet someone for the first time you ask them their name and general questions to determine the type of person they are. When you meet someone that you know, generally you greet them and then proceed to ask how they are. Jordy in his first year of school was actively encouraged to ask as many questions as he wanted to stimulate "his imagination" and "the learning mind". The philosophy was “A good learner will ask many questions”.

As part of my job as a Senior Business Systems Analysts I need to ask all sorts of questions, in order to help my clients understand their requirements and to help my developers understand the constraints of the system design. There is an art to asking questions and knowing what the "right" questions to ask. I know that I could walk into any Business that needs help and by asking questions I will be able to determine in a short amount time what their requirements are. This is why I love my job and why I am brilliant at what I do. (I recently received this feedback from a senior executive of my client “Maria is brilliant” so no more doubts Mari!).

When I went to visit Lj, we catching up and because it had been a while I started asking questions and jumping around topics, I was trying to find out as much as possible to quickly get up to speed. Her husband (Andrew) was also there and contributed to the conversation, Andrew says "Maria, you are asking too many questions and getting ahead of yourself" My response to that was "Andrew you know right that you are talking to a BSA. You say one thing and automatically I have multiple questions jumping around in my head". It was all said in jest but it got me thinking.

Another close Indian friend of mine Mayank is getting used to my questions. We caught up a few months ago and I was asking general questions. I said "I know too many questions". His reply was "In 2 minutes you have asked 10 already". Ambar has accused me of constantly questioning him, his motives and asking him to justify his actions. It seems as though to Ambar I was asking him the same question over and over. Perhaps he is right, perhaps I am too curious and my questions come across as accusations. I don't know. (Now I am questioning myself!)

So when does questions turn into interrogation?

I don't ask to annoy people, I ask to understand and I ask because I care. My intentions are never sinister, they are from a place deep within to learn and of curiosity. They are innocent even.

I also wonder if subconsciously I ask questions, (OK I’ll admit a lot of questions) to deflect the attention from me. In all my past friendships I never showed anyone my true self. I was always able to successfully deflect any attention from me to them. Yet on the other hand I also craved some attention and wanted people to ask about me. I don't openly share my deep thoughts and feelings. I don't share my hopes and fears. I don't give that information away freely. I'm never asked either, but I want to be.  Complicated I know!

Ambar has told me over and over to just share and don’t wait to be asked and my response has always been, "why don't you ask". Ahh there it is the accusation that he was talking about! My reasoning was if he cared he would ask. I care and therefore I ask. It is not easy for me to just come out and share, I have the fear that what I want to share is not important enough or not interesting enough for people to care about.  My thinking is, if I was important and if they did care, they would ask. Perhaps here I am wrong again. Also I felt that Ambar was being lazy to ask, simply because he doesn’t like to think, he expects me to share unconditionally without being prompted and yet I am waiting for him to show an interest and ask.

There have been times where I really wanted to share, but didn’t really know how to and was waiting for him to show an interest and ask about me, my life and about the kids.  Yet when the questions didn’t come I would get upset and feel as though I was no longer important enough to care and ask.  In the beginning of our friendship he would ask all sorts of things as we were navigating through the “newness” of this friendship.

Well this was not the intention of this post.  I will be honest I wanted to prove to Ambar that I was right the questions were correct and I was in the right.  I think now that perhaps I need to spend more time in reflection. This is exactly why I love to blog, as I start out thinking about a post and just let it all out on paper (or the web) and BAM! There is a realisation a truth is found! How cool is that!

Whilst it is true that I ask because I care, I have realised that I also ask questions to deflect all attention from me. Do I use my questions to hide? Yes I think I do.

Why do I want to hide?  Perhaps it is because I am scared of being rejected, that if I do just share to the world it will not be interesting enough or important enough.  Perhaps I don’t want to let people in.  Or perhaps I just don’t know!

Even though I don’t feel very good about myself, because I have realised that I have been treating my friends wrongly and yes I have failed! As I have realised that I do indeed hide behind my questions, I can now work at trying to change this and reduce the fear and uncertainty and learn to share. 

How do I start sharing, when I don’t know how?

Perhaps I just need to start simple and when I want to share I just don’t wait for people to ask, I just give the information freely.  I don’t know!!