Good bye 2012

I wrote a similar post at the end of 2011 which can be found here.  At the end of 2012 I didn’t write the same thing and have felt that something is missing. 

I went back just now and re-read my post and was surprised.  I no longer have Self-doubt “in me”, “in my life”, “of being a good mother”, and “with my work”.

2012 was a very tough year for me on the personal growth.  I think that it is time to put aside what I have been carrying around for so long.  It is time, so here I go:

Good bye 2012, the last 12 months have been rewarding and the road has been a steep hill climb. I started the year off optimistic and positive. I was ready to tackle all that the universe chose the throw at me and then BAM on the 2^nd January 2012 was my first test.

Reflecting now I don’t look back at 2012 fondly, the friendships I had at the end of 2011 and start of 2012 have dwindled and are almost non-existent. This if nothing else breaks my heart and continues to be a constant ache.  Perhaps I am still grieving for all that I have lost!

I started 2012 thinking I had made lifelong friendships that would see me through tough times and good, how wrong I was. Or perhaps this was a lesson I needed to learn.

What I want to leave behind in 2012:

·         Self-doubt:

o   In being worthy of fulfilling friendships

That is the only thing that I have been working on in 2012.

I have also just read the post here where I listed all the things I wanted to achieve in 2012, see how optimistic I was!! I did achieve 9 out of the 12 points listed here is what I did achieve:

·         I know that I am worthy of all, I have no doubts

o   This contradicts my point above, you see I know I am worthy of all. However am I worthy of a fulfilling friendship with the one person that matters?  That is where I am not so sure; this is where I still have doubts.

·         I know that I am enough is all aspects of my life, I have no doubts

·         I am open to all that the universe provides, each and every moment is an opportunity to learn and grow

·         I have learnt that I love myself; I recorded the date where I made this realisation on the train to work on the 29^th May 2012.  I finally realised that I loved who I was, the true person that I am.

·         I am happy, well most of the time I try to be happy.

·         I believe that I have achieved acceptance from my family and work

·         I believe in myself, if I set my mind to a task and am motivated with that task then I can do anything I want

·         I am an awesome mother and a provider for my family.

2012 I am closing the door on you and I want to leave behind all the negative situations that occurred. All the pain surrounding my issues with friendships will be left behind in 2012. I no longer have room for you in my life.

Are you gonna listen to your own advice?

I was bickering with my husband this afternoon because he had been in a feral mood for the past three to four days. I kept on asking him what was wrong because anything that the kids or I did would end up with him yelling.

Oh how I hate yelling and I hate seeing the expressions on the kids’ faces also when either I or my husband scolds, yells or raises our voice in anger.  The whole mood of the house felt black and gloomy.  I could feel that it was affecting me also.

I kept on pushing my husband to ask him what was wrong and finally he admitted that it was because I had been working late during the past 2 weeks. Work had been crazy and I had been helping out another team.  But I snapped and started yelling at him:

“Why are you thinking about this now?”

“It is in the past, just get over it”

“There is no reason for you to be holding onto this”

I understand his feelings, he was feeling frustrated because he was missing me. He was feeling abandoned because I had been spending a lot of time at work. He was feeling angry that I was bottling things up about work and not talking to him.

As I was yelling those words, at the exactly the same time I was thinking “Mari are you going to listen to your own advice?”

“Mari, why do you keep thinking about the same thing over and over again?”

“It is now in the past, just get over it”

“There is no reason for you to be holding onto these emotions”.

Do not be afraid

During my last kinesiology appointment I was a complete mess. I had faced my sacral room and had opened the door. The shame was overwhelming. In my real life I was in constant flux of arguments, constant pain and yes Ambar in constant doubt all stemmed from my relationships with others. I was complaining about how tired I was, tired of the doubts, tired of the arguments. Exhausted from all this crap I had been carrying around. Her words were clear and they cut through the bullshit.


"You are magnificent"


I was asked what am I afraid of, I burst into tears and she cried with me. As my journey reminded her of her own. To put it simply I was / am afraid of self-acceptance, of my true self.


"You are the only one holding yourself back"


That was 3 weeks ago and the very next day I was determined to face the atrocity of my sacral room on my own.This time when I entered I ignored the emotions being directed towards me. I approached the first person to my right. It was someone who I was in constant arguments with, the very same person in my heart husband.


"I am no longer afraid to let you go. I thank you for what you have brought to my life".


As I was saying this looking into their eyes I reached out to the iron hand and the grip slowly loosened. I noticed that the iron hand had left a bruise. Reaching from my heart I placed my hand just above the bruise.


"Let me heal you from a place of love".


Once complete I said


"You are now free to leave, my fear will no longer hold you".


I was drained but at the same time I started to feel so much lighter. Over the next days and weeks I continued to remove and heal the iron grips holding onto my family and friends. Ambar, Mayank, Timmy, Marian, Nelly, Barney (took me 4 tries to let him go), Atilia, Richard, Melissa, Gyongyi, Leanne, Jodie, Ljuba, Damian, Dirmaid, Benny (oh he was a tough one), Zsolt, Dora, Zsuzsi, Istvan, Agi, Gabor. Thousands of people.


I was lounging on an outdoor chair on the balcony, just staring, not thinking just staring. I became aware that someone was trying to get my attention.


"Mari, Mari! You have to come and see this!"


I lifted my tired eyes and before I could respond, they grabbed my hand and started yanking me out of the chair.


"Please, I don't have anything left in me, just so tired. I have nothing left".


"Mari, you don't have to do anything, just have to see this. Come, I will carry you."


I was picked up and carried to the place where the dark room used to stand. There was no evidence that there was even a room there previously. Instead there was a beautiful glade, a circle of maple trees formed the perimeter underneath the trees were beautiful flowers and to my right there was a stream that you could hear the water tinkling over the rocks.


The natural beauty was not what took my breath away it was the scene. All the people in my life that I had just release my iron grip hold were all there. This time when I looked into their eyes I saw love, acceptance and happiness. My throat closed up over the emotions I was feeling, fight back the tears and trying to not lose control.


A sob escaped me and that was when the flood gates opened and tears came streaming down my face. I was embraced but my husband person.


"Look behind you Mari, look at this miracle."


I turned to see all my past selves leave the tall white tower and make their way past me. Each and every one touched me as they passed. Some of my childhood versions were too excited and whilst dashing past briefly touched my dress, hand, arm. They were eager to meet up with their friends.


My heart person took my hand and tried to tugged me forward to greet people. But I stood my ground and shook my head.





After I had released them all I stood in the centre of this dark room and watched as the wall came crumbling down. I was left standing in the middle of all the dust, dirt and rubble. Slowly nature started to take over and absorb the rubble. I was so emotionally, mentally and physically that I started to shake and sway. Before I could collapse I was transported to the field and straight into the beam of light. After sometime I picked myself up and went to my heart apartment seeking peace and solace.






My husband stood in front of me. "Mari, there was never a need for you to hold on so tight, all who have been blessed to know you love you instantly. We are all honored to have had you in our lives. Some of us are fortunate to still have you. There was never a time where you were alone, abandoned. We were always here for you, we always will be."






"Mari, do not be afraid. I love you, I will never leave you. I am your heart person and you are mine. Through you I have learnt to love again."






Initially I thought that the glade was small, but it was large and could accommodate all. It was as though I was witnessing a large family reunion. Kids running around adult legs, laughing and playing. Teenagers lounging around on the grass smoking.