So much has happened since I last wrote and not all of it is good. I received a few emails stating: “I hope that you are relaxing and not stressing and enjoying your time at home”.
HUH….now that is funny, I don’t think my family understands the meaning of the words relaxation and stress-free!! Here is a snapshot of my life with my family:
*) Dad in hospital with a suspect Angina attack…yet again
*) Dad out of hospital with a bad virus
*) Mum not being able to cope with Dad’s aggressiveness and who does she turn to??
*) Sister calling nearly every day wanting to ‘Pop’ in for a visit…read pop in for a snoop and gossip about parents
*) Sister and Ellie visit where sister demands I choose between her and my parents when inviting people for the christening of my child (who may I remind you is YET TO BE BORN)
*) BIL cracking it that I’ve asked Ellie to be the God Mother
*) Sister lies and says that I’ve thrown out all the ‘gifts’ (read bribes) from the babies room.
I could go on but I won’t has this it is not helping, I’m just getting more upset thinking about all the things that have been said and done during the last week and a bit.
I’ve not needed my cave of silence, blackness for a long time. I’ve been happy to be apart of the world, living life and dare I say looking forward to the future. But I feel the call of my cave more than ever. Locking myself away from the world or family and not having to deal with other peoples shit.
Perhaps I’ve had too high expectations on what this child would mean to my family….Happiness, joy and love... Was I wrong to expect this?
After so many years of trying, failing, miscarrying, crying, drugs, procedures, doctors and money, I only have 26 days left till this baby pops out and I would’ve thought that my family would be a little happy. But instead it is almost a daily event where me and mine are put on the back burner and I’m being forced to deal with other peoples shit. Whether it be jealousy, anger, disappointments or extreme expectations.
When is it my time to relax, enjoy the last few days of this pregnancy, and prepare for our life change and generally getting over the fear of the impending birth?
I deliberately left work early to enjoy this time at home and maybe it is my own expectations that were far out of reach. I had so much planned, wanted to do so much to prepare but I feel that my family thinks that they are entitled to my time now that there is more of it!
It has not been all that bad and I have achieved a few things off my list…right now though I feel very used and abused by my family. Even a bit hurt that my needs have been pushed aside for their crap, almost like their feelings are more important than mine.
Saturday 29 July 2006
Thursday 6 July 2006
Mixed bag
Work
I’m done, I’ve finished up. The last week of work I only ended up working 3.5 days. I’ve spoken about the fever and the sickness so won’t go there again. On the Thursday there was a nice lunch at one of the restaurants close to work. 30 people from my department went, I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t want the fuss as I just wanted to leave without being noticed. It was nice and quick.
On the Friday the Project Manager that I had been working with for the last 2 years gave a nice speech, although I was totally unprepared for the reference to all the IF treatments and heart aches we went through to conceive and keep Bobim. I didn’t cry but it was very hard. My words back to the department were rushed and mumble. I think that I said something along the lines of “I’m looking forward to my new job of sleepless nights, crying baby and dirty nappies and see you all in a year”.
This is what we received from my colleagues:
Me
Friday night saw me have the worst night sleep ever….ever really? Yes ever! I couldn’t sleep lying down because of the wheezing and choking. Coughing had me throwing up most of the night. Tried to sleep sitting up but seemed to only manage maybe 3 hours total. At one point I was preparing to wake Tim to take me to the hospital. But decided to wait it out until the morning and see the GP again.
Diagnosis = Sever Bronchitis and if I had left it longer…possible pneumonia. So an on antibiotics and a puffer thing to help me cough up the shit in my lungs. I’m happy to report that I’m well on the way to recovery..not there yet but much better than I was.
Parents
My parents arrived home in the early hours of Wednesday morning…read midnight on Tuesday. I was woken yesterday morning to a phone call my mum to come over and take her to the Dr. She had a migraine from the anxiety and the trip. What a way to greet my parents…my mother throwing up and delirious. My Father with his arm so bruised it looks like something out of a horror movie. He had suffered a bad fall whilst overseas and didn’t want to tell me….cause I’m pregnant.
First week of freedom
From work? Freedom you have got to be kidding!!! I had Ellie and Tina with me from Sunday night till Tuesday and whilst I love them to death both of them here when I’m not feeling 100% was just a bit too much. But I didn’t feel that I could say no, plus part of me wanted them to be here.
Today is the first day that I’ve had to myself and just the simple task of doing the laundry this morning has given me a great deal of joy…go figure I know. But it is something that I’ve been wanting to do. This afternoon I plan on going to curtain places to organise quotes for Bobims room.
Speaking about Bobim’s room, I have a whole post with photo’s in the works to show you all what we have done.
I’m done, I’ve finished up. The last week of work I only ended up working 3.5 days. I’ve spoken about the fever and the sickness so won’t go there again. On the Thursday there was a nice lunch at one of the restaurants close to work. 30 people from my department went, I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t want the fuss as I just wanted to leave without being noticed. It was nice and quick.
On the Friday the Project Manager that I had been working with for the last 2 years gave a nice speech, although I was totally unprepared for the reference to all the IF treatments and heart aches we went through to conceive and keep Bobim. I didn’t cry but it was very hard. My words back to the department were rushed and mumble. I think that I said something along the lines of “I’m looking forward to my new job of sleepless nights, crying baby and dirty nappies and see you all in a year”.
This is what we received from my colleagues:
Me
Friday night saw me have the worst night sleep ever….ever really? Yes ever! I couldn’t sleep lying down because of the wheezing and choking. Coughing had me throwing up most of the night. Tried to sleep sitting up but seemed to only manage maybe 3 hours total. At one point I was preparing to wake Tim to take me to the hospital. But decided to wait it out until the morning and see the GP again.
Diagnosis = Sever Bronchitis and if I had left it longer…possible pneumonia. So an on antibiotics and a puffer thing to help me cough up the shit in my lungs. I’m happy to report that I’m well on the way to recovery..not there yet but much better than I was.
Parents
My parents arrived home in the early hours of Wednesday morning…read midnight on Tuesday. I was woken yesterday morning to a phone call my mum to come over and take her to the Dr. She had a migraine from the anxiety and the trip. What a way to greet my parents…my mother throwing up and delirious. My Father with his arm so bruised it looks like something out of a horror movie. He had suffered a bad fall whilst overseas and didn’t want to tell me….cause I’m pregnant.
First week of freedom
From work? Freedom you have got to be kidding!!! I had Ellie and Tina with me from Sunday night till Tuesday and whilst I love them to death both of them here when I’m not feeling 100% was just a bit too much. But I didn’t feel that I could say no, plus part of me wanted them to be here.
Today is the first day that I’ve had to myself and just the simple task of doing the laundry this morning has given me a great deal of joy…go figure I know. But it is something that I’ve been wanting to do. This afternoon I plan on going to curtain places to organise quotes for Bobims room.
Speaking about Bobim’s room, I have a whole post with photo’s in the works to show you all what we have done.
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