Family stuff

I really don’t know where this post is going but bear with me as I shift all through my thoughts.

I don’t know if others do this, but when I’m shopping and I see something a family member or friend likes, I will either buy it for them or ring / text them about it. It is just how I am. I could be classed as a people pleaser or a suck, I don’t know. I’m so used to doing this that I’m shocked when this consideration is not returned to me.

Reading back over that last sentence makes me sound like a prig. But let me paint a picture (if I can). A while ago there was a really good sale on nappies, and whilst I was there I called my SIL to see if she wanted me to pick up some for her…you know it was no trouble for me I was already there had a trolley and everything and she could just pay me back…no sweat. I felt good for doing this for her, I got nothing out of it but it felt good to help. Situation was reversed and there was no phone call from her and I missed out on a good bargain, I felt hurt and cheated.

Another time I noticed that the baby formula we both use was on sale, again I called to see if she wanted me to pick her some up…no she gets it cheaper than what I found…I was dumb founded…why was nothing said earlier? Why not share a bargain found?

I was so frustrated that I voiced my frustrations to my MIL, saying that why would someone not share or consider someone else…you know when shopping you see something that I like and you call me up and ask if I would like this/that or the other….when these words were out of my mouth I realised…that NO ONE…NO ONE has ever done this for us, not even my mother. I felt so stupid and Tim said that I should stop thinking of others and that I should just concentrate on myself and our little family. But this would be changing part of my core self, which I’m not all the comfortable with and I do it ALL THE TIME.

Just the other day on the way to a baby change room I saw a pair of shoes, that I knew Ellie would like…and instead of just forgetting about it, I actually went in and checked the price and if they had her size.

Question for YOU there…reading this…should I change or stop doing this?

There has been so much…so much drama happening …so much and it is just too much. After another gruelling telephone call, I was ready to spit chips or punch something…anything, the anger was so overwhelming. As I joke Tim turned to me and said, “how about we move to Perth?” without a second thought I said “Let’s do it!”. In that moment I just wanted to run away, leave them all behind…concentrate on us. It was said as a joke and often after a distressing phone call you can hear me mumble “Well maybe we should just move to Perth”.

I have to wonder when this mantra will turn out to be reality…if ever and I don’t care if it looks like I’m running away…hell give me new sneakers as I want to bolt.

I admire my cousin and his wife for moving here from Hungary, they left that drama behind so very courageous and brave. I just seem to turn around and deliberately say…bring it one…I need some more…cause I just can’t seem to say…that it is all too much…why do I let them walk all over me?

Mothers Group

I'm surrounded by disgustingly FERTILE mothers in this group. But...but I love them and I'm amazed at how well we all get along. Initially we were 12, but have now gone down to 10, out of the 10 babies, there are 4 boys and 6 girls all born in a month of each other.

You know that this happens, when you get a group of women together that have babies, the questions of pregnancy, birth and family start. It is natural to be curious about your friends. All know that it took us a very very long time to concieve Jordan. But what was most interesting (and I haven't come across this is a long long time) they were not careful or walking on egg shells to tell me how quickly they fell pregnant and instead of feeling hurt and rage at the injustice, I felt NOTHING. Yep nothing, one lady said it took her roughly 3 days to fall pregnant and I steeled myself agains the feelings of horror, but they didn't come.

What is with that?

Maybe I'm growing more mature in my "old" age (I've never been part of a group where I'm mostly older than the others...I'm usually the youngest...hence the "old"), or maybe I'm not so sensitive about pregnancy as I was when trying?

MIA

I know, I know, been missing in Action.

Christmas this year was special, but surreal also. I could not have imagined the mix bag of emotions I felt when we finally decided to put up the Christmas tree. The Infertile in my was screaming with horror at the sight. As I was putting the decorations on, I thought of all my blog friends whom recently suffered losses and BFN's, most of these ladies would be sufferring through the Holiday season, like I had sufferred. So I stuck names on some of my decorations, you couldn't see the names but they were there.

I also deliberately didn't want to blog about how happy our Christmas was, because when I was on that road I didn't want to read those sort of things. So instead I kept away.

New Years day when I woke, I didn't pray for me. I have my little miracle, I prayed for all my friends whom are trying for a baby. Whether I know them in real life or through the pc. I prayed for BFP's, health pregnancies and safe births, but most of all I prayed for no more pain for these people.

May 2007 be filled with babies!