Saturday, 17 December 2005

Balloon for fear #2

I’m scared, terrified, there is nothing that I can do to change anything. My mind leap frogs from one fear to the next, but I decide to put these fears away, they are doing no-one any good.

I’m sitting under a big tree on a rug the sun is shining the grass hopers are chirping, the birds a singing. When I look down I see this tiny deflated green balloon in my hand. I start blowing my balloon and each breath is a different fear:
- The hcg levels won’t rise
- It’s ectopic
- There’s just an empty sack
- I will miscarry
- There will be no heart beat
- I will get Toxoplasmosis (from my cats)
- I will need a D&C to remove it

I tie a knot at the bottom of the balloon and then tie a piece light green string, I let go of the balloon but hold onto the string. For some reason the balloon is floating in the air.

I get up and walk a short distance to a clearing away from the trees. I look up and there is not a cloud in the sky but there is a small breeze. I’m hanging onto the piece of string with all my heart. I stare at my hand, willing it to let go, my heart starts racing. All of a sudden I just let go, the balloon slowly rises, it almost feels like it doesn’t want to leave either. 

I feel a huge gust of wind ruffle the skirt I’m wearing; my hair is in my eyes for a split second. I loose sight of the balloon, I search the sky frantically for the balloon. It is there in the distance now, I watch it get smaller and smaller.

“Did this help” I hear a voice inside me.

“I don’t know” I whisper back.

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