*WARNING – Lots of swearing*
I just do not understand how this particular situation continues to reoccur. I have tried all other avenues of trying to let go but it just keeps on coming back. I hate feeling like this and I hate not being true to myself.
Logically I know that I can not please everyone and logically I know that I will not be liked by everyone. The same goes for me, there are some people at work that are nice people and I can work with them but am not friends with.
I recently moved to the next phase of this project, I even asked / persuaded requested the move. I was so excited about it, finally after over 2 years of doing things the wrong way we were finally moving in the right direction! Finally I would be able to get back to the basics and do proper BSA work.
Day 1 I hit the ground running, I am all of a sudden invited to all the meetings, becoming involved in all the detail. At that point my frame of mind was “I am a darn good BSA” and “They need me to complete this phase”. There were disagreements, there were heated discussions in the end we always reached a mutual outcome.
THEN…then…THEN Deepa comes back from Annual Leave and all hell breaks loose. I have tried so hard….tried and tried and tried to get to know deepa on a personal level. Tried to find some fucking common ground. Tried to get to know her as a person…Why? To help build a better working relationship, as she is after all my line manager.
Nothing has worked, so before she went on leave I decided to be true to myself and continue to work as I have. I get along with all these different people and even received multiple awards from this Client.
Mari – why the fuck does one person’s Deepa’s opinion matter to you??? Why the fuck are you trying so hard to impress her??
She is after all one fucking person.
I saw Daniela the other week and she said that Deepa continues to affect me because I have unresolved issues relating to my self-esteem and the fear of failure. FEAR of FAILURE..
I am in my field; I am safe, loved and warm. The field is in a valley and I am surrounded by snow caped mountains. The sun is shining and it is always beautiful here.
I walk slowly to the beam of pure white light; I take 4 deeps breaths before I walk into the pool of light. I allow the purity to wash through me before I tackle this task. I am centred and in my sacred circle.
Before me appears the people that I want to remove the physic hooks from. They are protected in their own circle. I will all the hooks and lines to become visible there are so many. There are just too many hooks to count coming from the people at work. I start to remove them from my body and each time I remove a hook I say “Thank you for this lesson. This is my energy and you are NOT entitled to it any longer”. I say this over and over as each hook is removed. When all the hooks are removed from one person and before I move onto the next I ensure that I allow the white light that surrounds me to heal the wounds of where the hooks were lodged.
That is when I move onto the next person and follow the same process over and over until I am standing alone completely healed and have no more hooks protruding out of my body.
I them move out of the beam of pure light and walk towards the middle of the field when I reach the centre I look down to find an orange deflated balloon on the ground. I pick it up and then proceed to blow the balloon up. Each time I breathe into the balloon I release a concept of FEARING TO FAIL.
F = FALSE – What is false, it is false that I am NOT a good working
E = EXPECTATIONS – having the assumption that I would be fired for making mistakes is stupid
A = APPEARING – I am seeing enemies everywhere I look and my perception are being skewed by my self doubt
R = REAL – I am making my own F.E.A.R.S manifest as I am putting too much pressure on myself.
I will not lose my job.
I will not be fired from this Client not after almost 3 years if I make a mistake.
I will not fail at doing my job.
When there is no more F.E.A.R’s coming to my mind I tie the end of the balloon off and let it go. The balloon floats up into the sky and is blown away.
I just need to remind myself:
· I am the BEST (I have best in my surname after all seBESTyen)
· I am an awesome BSA’s
· I believe in myself
· I believe in my skills
· My intentions are ALWAYS positive
I may need to check in on these often to ensure that I am continuing to re-iterate and believe “fake it until I make it”