Tuesday, 20 August 2013


*WARNING – Lots of swearing*

I just do not understand how this particular situation continues to reoccur. I have tried all other avenues of trying to let go but it just keeps on coming back. I hate feeling like this and I hate not being true to myself.

Logically I know that I can not please everyone and logically I know that I will not be liked by everyone.  The same goes for me, there are some people at work that are nice people and I can work with them but am not friends with.

I recently moved to the next phase of this project, I even asked / persuaded requested the move.  I was so excited about it, finally after over 2 years of doing things the wrong way we were finally moving in the right direction!  Finally I would be able to get back to the basics and do proper BSA work.

Day 1 I hit the ground running, I am all of a sudden invited to all the meetings, becoming involved in all the detail.  At that point my frame of mind was “I am a darn good BSA” and “They need me to complete this phase”. There were disagreements, there were heated discussions in the end we always reached a mutual outcome.

THEN…then…THEN Deepa comes back from Annual Leave and all hell breaks loose.  I have tried so hard….tried and tried and tried to get to know deepa on a personal level.  Tried to find some fucking common ground.  Tried to get to know her as a person…Why? To help build a better working relationship, as she is after all my line manager.

Nothing has worked, so before she went on leave I decided to be true to myself and continue to work as I have.  I get along with all these different people and even received multiple awards from this Client. 


Mari – why the fuck does one person’s Deepa’s opinion matter to you??? Why the fuck are you trying so hard to impress her??

She is after all one fucking person.

I saw Daniela the other week and she said that Deepa continues to affect me because I have unresolved issues relating to my self-esteem and the fear of failure.  FEAR of FAILURE..

I am in my field; I am safe, loved and warm.  The field is in a valley and I am surrounded by snow caped mountains. The sun is shining and it is always beautiful here.

I walk slowly to the beam of pure white light; I take 4 deeps breaths before I walk into the pool of light.  I allow the purity to wash through me before I tackle this task.  I am centred and in my sacred circle.

Before me appears the people that I want to remove the physic hooks from.  They are protected in their own circle. I will all the hooks and lines to become visible there are so many.  There are just too many hooks to count coming from the people at work.  I start to remove them from my body and each time I remove a hook I say “Thank you for this lesson.  This is my energy and you are NOT entitled to it any longer”.  I say this over and over as each hook is removed.  When all the hooks are removed from one person and before I move onto the next I ensure that I allow the white light that surrounds me to heal the wounds of where the hooks were lodged.

That is when I move onto the next person and follow the same process over and over until I am standing alone completely healed and have no more hooks protruding out of my body.

I them move out of the beam of pure light and walk towards the middle of the field when I reach the centre I look down to find an orange deflated balloon on the ground.  I pick it up and then proceed to blow the balloon up.  Each time I breathe into the balloon I release a concept of FEARING TO FAIL.

F = FALSE – What is false, it is false that I am NOT a good working
E = EXPECTATIONS – having the assumption that I would be fired for making mistakes is stupid
A = APPEARING – I am seeing enemies everywhere I look and my perception are being skewed by my self doubt
R = REAL – I am making my own F.E.A.R.S manifest as I am putting too much pressure on myself.

I will not lose my job. 
I will not be fired from this Client not after almost 3 years if I make a mistake.
I will not fail at doing my job.

When there is no more F.E.A.R’s coming to my mind I tie the end of the balloon off and let it go.  The balloon floats up into the sky and is blown away.

I just need to remind myself:
·         I am the BEST (I have best in my surname after all seBESTyen)
·         I am an awesome BSA’s
·         I believe in myself
·         I believe in my skills
·         My intentions are ALWAYS positive

I may need to check in on these often to ensure that I am continuing to re-iterate and believe “fake it until I make it”

No comments:

Post a Comment