August 2005

In the last three months I have learnt a lot about myself, I sweat the small stuff. I stress about every little thing and I am such an uptight person. When the visitors were staying with me (they moved out a week ago). I stressed about how much they were using the internet. Since they have been gone I’ve logged on once, which makes me think..”what the hell is wrong with me?”.

The time that I spent whinging, venting and being upset, angry could have been spent on working on myself. Instead I cloud my mind with all these unimportant events to stress over, rather than learn to love, cherish and honour myself.

I’m reading a great book (one of the many books I have on go) and the title is ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff and it’s all small stuff’. I’ve had this book on my self for a long time, but I only seem to reach for it in times of real need. One chapter has stood out in my mind and I constantly use “Will this matter in a year from now?”.

Will it matter that my visitor whilst cleaning up threw out all the spare toothbrushes which were kept for Ellie, Tina and Gabor when they stay here? No then why stress about it.

So this one simple question has made me question just about everything that is kept in my mind chatter. Has it made a difference, I can’t really tell, but I no longer work myself into a frenzy with simple stuff.

I’m really trying to eat properly and change my lifestyle to suit, but it’s not easy and I will persevere. I go to water aerobics, which I love, 3 times a week, the plan is that I will be doing exercise at the gym 5 times a week, this being my schedule:
* Sunday – rest
* Monday night – water aerobics
* Tuesday night – rest
* Wednesday night – gym program workout
* Thursday night – personal trainer
* Friday morning – water aerobics
* Saturday morning – water aerobics

August 2005 is the month that I’m looking towards. It is when I’ve decided to that I will be going back to Full time work. It will be the month that I will go back to Dr N and start OI treatment.

Part of me is bit concerned that I maybe putting too much emphasis on August, almost like I’m expecting my first treatment of OI to work straight away because I’ve done so much work Trying to loose weight.

This past week I’ve woken up with my worst fear appearing on the surface ‘what will happen if I never can have kids?’. This thought still sends me into a state of panic and I know that I should face it and give it some power and work on the truth but I would rather hide and be in denial. I don’t want to go to that reality, give me a nice dark closet to hide in. It is a question that won’t leave me and I will talk about it more but just not today as I’ve said enough.