Letting go of the fear

I’ve been struggling with this for a long time now and I just don’t know how to let go of the fear of not having a Baby. I just don’t think that I can suddenly just say “She’ll be right” If I don’t have child because I would be lying I won’t be right. Part of me would die. I just can’t accept a future without a child in it.

I’ve tried to talk to Mimi about it and he always says “It will happen”. I did have that faith but I just don’t know anymore. J said that if I let go of my fear then it will work for us, but I just don’t know how to let go.

Maybe it would be different if Mimi and I were just trying the normal way, but when I’m cycling I go through blood tests, ultrasounds, injections and advice. I get told when to inject, when to have a blood test, when to spread my legs for an ultrasound when to have sex and I pay money for this ‘privilege’. How can I NOT have hopes that the cycle would work, how can I NOT be scared that I would not have a child when my current track record is that I’ve suffered 3 miscarriages and each time after an OI cycle.

Yippeee that OI cycles work, yet I can’t seem to KEEP a child. Which makes me think, is this not meant to be for me? Am I such a bad mother that God will not give me the honour to have, hold and nurture my little bobi?

There must be away out of this whole of fear…I just need help in realising what it is.