Eyes wide shut

I had a minor freak out yesterday, after realising that I only have 26 more working days till I leave work to become a Mum. This idea totally freaked me out…“I’m leaving work to become a Mum….fuck when did that happen?”

I must be going through life with my eyes wide shut, during my IF / TTC time I never thought of being and staying pregnant…never thought beyond the next blood test, next u/s, and next cycle. So you can imagine my total shock of going to OB appointments where I have certificates saying I’m attending “For Management of Pregnancy”….Management of Pregnancy me…yeah right. I still can’t believe that tonight again I’m attending another pre-natal class; all the bruising in my arms indicated that I still pinch myself in disbelief.

If by now I haven’t got my head around being pregnant, imagine how I haven’t even had a wavering thought of the birth and life after. By attending the class, I feel as though I’m just going through the motions. I’m almost waiting for someone to run up to me with a camera saying “Candid Camera.”

Mimi just laughed at me when I was saying 26 more days till I leave work and then went utterly still and deathly pale. No, no, no it can’t be right, after so many years I can’t be leaving work to become a mother…..because that means I have to push this wiggly moving somersaulting thing out of me…..and responsible for a new life….and my dream finally coming true…can it really be real?

“Long deep breaths, long deep breaths….oh fuck…lush green fields, lush green field…oh shit that isn’t helping…little valley near a creak, little valley near a creak…OMG”