Mocking me in the dark?

Staring out the kitchen window whilst my hands are emerged in soaping dish water, I stop and watch my dogs antics of trying to catch a fly. Running around with is pink tongue hanging out bouncing around in our small back yard.

Jordan is asleep and it is quite in the house, this is the time that the whispers start. I finish what I’m doing and glance up at ‘the’ cupboard with a frown. The whispers started a while ago, quietly mocking me when ever I’m in the kitchen.

With a deep sigh I finally decide to acknowledge the reason behind the whispers and as I approach the cupboard my heart starts race, I pull a chair over and stand up. All the while staring at the doors, the whispers are louder and although I can’t really catch what they are saying, I just know deep down that they are somehow mocking me.

I reach out and open the doors; I’m greeted with the faint smell of herbs that is related to the Pharmacy. I push aside the Baby Panadol, Nuerofen, old bottles of cough mixture, thermometer, vitamin bottle and old prescriptions.

I can hear the faint sound of giggling and high pitched chatter, like little pixies talking excitedly of their next adventure. I’m greeted with the bottle that I had deliberately placed in the far dark corner, the label is not facing me, it is turned away almost like in shame or disgust.

As quickly as possible I reach in a grab it, step down off the chair all the while clutching the bottle in my hot little hand. The bottle is burning me and I start to shake, I’m filled with an overwhelming sense of dread and excitement in the one breath.

I set it on the bench and just look at it, I can’t stop the thoughts they are flashing through my mind. The memories, feelings associated with the little brown bottle that has a pink label on it, come flooding back.

Part of my mind reels at the thought of stepping back onto the road that I left for others to walk along. Do I dare to walk that road again? All that heart ache, the waiting, how long will it take again? All these questions and more bombard my mind.

I hear a stir in the other room and go and fetch Jordan. When I walk back into the kitchen with Jordan in my arms I calmly, open the bottle and pop a tablet into my mouth. I swallow the folate tablet, Jordan smiling, giggling and looking at me with his beautiful blue eye. Taking the tablet marks the first step back on the road of trying to conceive.