Tuesday, 3 February 2009

35 Weeks

I’ve made it to the point now that if I were to go into proper labour, I would deliver these babies in my local little private hospital, I feel so relieved!

I wrote a whole big post just before and decided to delete it because I was just beating around the bush and not really saying what I wanted to.

I’ve been talking to these babies every day but have now started coaxing them to decide to come out. Is it working? Who knows, all I know is that mentally and emotionally it is getting a lot harder to deal with this body.

I have this overwhelming feeling of guilt and I feel so very selfish. I’m not looking after Jordan or Tim, I’m only concentrating on meeting my own needs. I’m almost to the point where I’m begging my baby belly to please please just come out now.

I was home alone with Jordy yesterday and all I did was sit on my fat arse and literally put in DVD after DVD to entertain my son, as I CAN’T DO ANYTHING with him. I can’t get on the floor and play, sit down on a chair and play with cars, trains or trucks. He basically ate Toast and Teddy bear biscuits all day because I just don’t have the energy to prepare a balance meal for him.

I can see that he is craving my attention as he will come over and grab my hand and try to pull me up out of the chair. The contractions and just so hard to deal with along with a child that wants to play a little rough or wants you to crouch down and show that Cranky has yet again crashed. I hate that I’m pushing Jordy away and feel so guilty.

Every little twinge, contraction, movement, sensation that I feel has me constantly wondering…Is this is yet? I’m keeping all the pain, movements, and sensations to myself now and not telling Tim about them, because I hate it that I’ve become so obsessed with this delivery.

On Sunday there was a good 2 hours where I literally sat there feeling as though my lower back was going to break apart and I was secretly hoping that one of the babies had engaged. I decided to start sitting on towels just in case my waters break and am wearing a heavier pad.

Brought back a lot of memories, of when we were TTCing, checking the pad for any sign of AF, instead of AF I’m now checking for any sign of impending birth. It got too much for me on Sunday night and I burst into tears and just couldn’t stop crying.

Jordy came running out of the bath room to give me a hug when I stops dead in his tracks as he sees me crying. He was so concerned that his lower lip started quivering in response to my tears, his little hands were wiping my face all the while saying. “Why Mummy crying?”. How could I explain to him that I was wondering the whole day if I was going to have these babies and how disappointed I felt that every twinge was just a twinge, every contraction was FALSE fucking labour pains. Every sensation was just nothing and that I maybe feeling all these things for another 4 weeks.

So instead I just told Jordy that Mummy is a little sad and that Mummy was not angry with Jordy and that Jorday was a very good boy. I don’t think that I convinced him as he wouldn’t go to sleep, instead he was laid his head on me (which he has not done since he was a baby) and we watched ‘So you think you can dance’.

Today is our 13th Wedding Anniversary and it would be such a nice present to meet these babies today. Jordan saw me talking to my belly asking them to decided to come out and he wandered over, lifted up my tee-shirt slapped my belly and screamed “COME OUT, COME ON, LILLY-RYLIE (he says their names as one name) COME OUT”.

I have another Osteopath appointment tomorrow morning and Thursday I have an appointment with the OB (Dr K) and an ultrasound. I’m taking it day by day and in some respects hour by hour. I would never have imagined that I would be feeling this low towards the end of my pregnancy.

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