Mistakes and disappointments

I made the biggest mistake yesterday and now I can’t seem to get my Dad to back off.

I have a ritual every morning, I wake between 7-7:30 either to take Jordy to Child Care or because I hear him talking, we either have breakfast or I drop him off. Then around 8am I call my Dad to let him know that all is ok. I started doing this when my Mum went OS, to ease his worry as I knew that I would not be seeing for the duration of her trip, driving 30-40 minutes was just too far for me on my own.

My Mum arrived home Monday night and so I called around 10:30 yesterday for my normal check in and because I was still worked up from my last post I started crying over the phone to my Dad.

They ended up visiting yesterday afternoon and since the phone call my Dad keeps telling me that I should not work my self up or cry that it is not good for me.

I will admit that I had a rough day yesterday as the guilt I feel towards my lack of mothering towards Jordy is all in my head. It is not like I’m constantly screaming at him or neglecting him. I just want to get down on the floor and play with him like he wants me too. It is my desire and my wants that make me feel guilty, instead I need to perhaps think of things that I can do with him, read every single book that he owns. Draw pictures, let him play out side in the dirt whilst I sit and watch.

Being the negative person that I am, I feel that I should be doing more and that even though I’m pregnant with Twins it should not matter, I should be able to do it all and I know that I can’t and this makes me feel guilty. Which is really stupid and dumb as Jordy will not turn around at the age of 15 and say to me…”You never played with me when you were pregnant with the twins… you ruined my life”. (well at least I hope he won’t).

I know that these feelings of inadequacy, guilty and feeling as though I’m a bad mother are an extension of PND. I recognised them when I spoke to Tim about how I was feeling. So I had a rough day yesterday because I simply allowed the negative feelings take control, instead of thinking about other more positive ways that I can entertain Jordy when we are home alone together.

I suppose that it hasn’t helped that my BIL let me down the other week. I had tried to arrange to Ellie to come over on Friday for a visit to help keep Jordy entertained, and when I called on Thursday I was basically told that he felt that it was not a good idea to take Jordy to one of those Play centres in 40 degree heat. My BIL felt that Jordan would get too dehydrated and that it would be too much for me…which I new but why I had asked Ellie to come with me.

My BIL was also worried about me going into Labour at the Play centre, so he had decided that it was not a good idea. I don’t know a lot of people that often ask for help, as I know that I don’t usually do that, but in this instance I asked for some support of my niece in order for Jordy to be able to run around and enjoy himself. I know that I can’t climb up the big stairs to going sliding down with him, but I didn’t want to deny him the chance to have some fun.

F took the decision out of my hands and decided that it was not a good idea and that I should just stay at home. I was and possibly still am really disappointed in them, as I really needed some support. I know that I need to let this go and I hope that by writing about it will help.

I did end up explaining to Ellie how I felt, but it is not her fault as she does not drive so would rely on her father to bring her over here.