Monday, 26 March 2012

The Cave

I wake and I can’t move, my head is all muddled and my body is just paralysed.

It is not a good way to start the morning.  I turn off my alarm and roll over and go back to sleep.  I just can’t face the world today. The world can pass by today without me participating in it today.
I sleep for sometime and then wake, I am lying there and I just don’t have the energy to get up.  But I have no choice as Jordy needs to go to school and the twins are off to Child Care.

I pull myself together and I manage to get them all ready with hardly any fuss.  Lilly is the first to make it known to me that all is not well, as she clings and cries when I drop off at Child Care.  At before school care, Jordy is inconsolable as I leave him.  My heart is breaking for my little boy, who can sense that is all not well.

I come home eat and then start to meditate.

I enter “my room” and I see that my spirit that is diminished. I am saddened by what I see because my spirit is usually so beautiful, pure and white.  Now it looks grey and low.

I turn away from my reflection and walk aimlessly through my rooms.  I open the closet door, it is dark and cold I enter in and close the door behind me. I move to the corner and huddle down.  I draw my knees up to my chest and hug my arms around them tightly as I rest my head on them.  I close my eyes I feel the first tears start to run down my face.  The sorrow, pain and fear engulf me and I can’t help it but give into the despair.

I feel as though the closet is closing in on me and I feel as though I am suffocating. Time has lost all meaning as I sit huddled in the corner giving into my grief. I am just overwhelmed and the despair is dragging me down, I don’t see any way out of this.

I see the door of the closet creaking open and the light is blinding after being in the dark for so long.  I can’t see very well because I am blinded and my eyes are blurry with tears.  I notice that someone is crouching down in front of me, a feel fingers wiping the tears from my face.  Then I feel their hands tugging my arms away from my knees. 

My hand is cold and stiff from hugging my knees so tightly.  The pain in my heart is just unbearable a warm hand grips mine and I am pulled up so that I am standing in front of this person.  I am enveloped into a hug so tight that I can feel the other person’s heartbeat. 

I feel an overwhelming sense of love and acceptance. The pain in my heart slowly lessens and the tears on my face dry up.  I am being loved and cared for    in a manner that I deserve.  My heart is filled with warmth I am being healed by the person holding me.

I look back and the person I see standing before me loving, caring for me is………

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