Saturday, 16 June 2012

Did the unhooking work?

I am not sure that it did as I am filled with rage that I just can’t control.

See in my mind I need to figure out what is wrong in order to fix it.  This is just the Analyst in me coming out; it is why I am so suited to my job.

Anger seems like such a pissy weak word compared to how I am actually feeling.  When I hear the word RAGE, I imagine those cartoon bulls foaming at the mouth, steam coming off their coats and when they are panting steam / smoke is blown through their nostrils.  The bull’s eyes are full of hatred and red.  The animated bulls face is horrific to look at.

Yep that image of rage is exactly what I am feeling and what makes it worse is I do not know why and I NEED to know why so that I can fix it.

I have my suspicion as to what could be causing this rage and it is either related to the “unhooking” or I am suffering PMS which means my period maybe coming on soon.  My gut says it is my period and not the unhooking because when I read that post I feel a sense of peace.

Those that see me at work will not have any clue that this is what I am feeling as I tend to hide my true self from the outside world.  Those that are close to me like my husband, kids and friends may feel the full impact of this rage.

I lose control easily over small insignificant reasons, for example my daughter has a bad habit of scratching a sore on her face whilst sleeping.  Before going to sleep I went into the twins’ room and noticed that once again she had scratched her face so much that her pillow was covered in blood.

I picked Lilly up and started scolding her so much that she started crying. I brought her into my bathroom and continued to berate her while washing her face. The volume of my voice got louder as I telling her off.  Eventually I made my daughter stand  in front of me until she apologised for scratching her face. I could tell that she was frightened by my treatment.

During this whole time in my mind I had thoughts like “Stop yelling at her, she doesn’t know what she is doing”, “look at how you are making her feel”, “She is just a child”.  There was no physical way that I could stop myself.

God I know I overreacted and after the release of rage it was almost like a “let down” and when I came crashing back into myself I was filled with so much remorse and guilt that I woke 5 times during the night to pick my sleeping daughter up and cuddle her.

Yesterday I was very bad  I imagined myself standing in front of a brick wall bashing my fits, kicking my feet and banging my head against a brick wall as I was filled with that much rage.

Today I am better, but today I am also filled with remorse and regret.  I hate losing control and I hate feeling like this.  I need help and I don’t know what to do.

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