"Pass" or "Fail"

I have been reflecting on my friendship with Ambar and I can’t help feel as though I have failed completely with this friendship.  I believe that I have failed big time.

I opened myself to him like I have not before with anyone outside my family. It was beautiful in the beginning, when we spent physical time together all my doubts and all my fears disappeared, they didn’t matter.  We could be speaking about anything and whatever was bothering me would just dissipate.

Our problem was that we rarely saw each other as work got in the way so most of our contact was digitally based.  Text and instant messages was our main form of contact and it was 24/7.  No matter what time of the night or day if Ambar was awake and I would text, he would reply.  But I craved more, I needed to see him be in his company, this was never important for him.

I knew that as soon as I would "see" him, all my problems, concerns would go.  They did, evertime I finally convinced him to spend sometime with me, at the end of the conversation I would feel refreshed and my concerns would go.  I even came to some significant realisations within his company, this is what he did for me. The unconditional support was what helped along my path last year.  There is no turning back time, but I just wished he listened to me when I told him "Seeing" him was very important to me.

Ambar will be the first to say that there is no need to analyse the friendship because it is still there, however this is who I am, it is why I am brilliant at my job.

I had this overwhelming feeling on the train ride this morning that when my judgement day comes and I am judged for my life, this friendship and the way it ended when he returned home would be a failure and it will be a black mark against me.  I truly believed that I was the one to heal him that was my purpose to heal him, through the love of a great friend.  I know that I have failed and I failed royally because I was not good enough in this life.

 I was recently asked if I will allow myself to have another “Ambar” in my life and I know that I was blessed the first time, I also know that I will never allow my true self to be seen.  My glory will not be witnessed again.  I felt rejected and I also feel like a failure.  I also hate myself for what I did to this friendship, I ruined it and I pushed too far. I felt that I had a "right" because it was my belief that we were meant to be friends for life. 

Perhaps with time I will feel better, all I know right now is that what happened continues to consume my mind.  It took me 15 years to get over the last time I was showing someone my glorry. I have many fears and many doubts and it is all related to Goal number 3.