Questions

Finally here is my post about questions!

Questions are a part of our lives. When you meet someone for the first time you ask them their name and general questions to determine the type of person they are. When you meet someone that you know, generally you greet them and then proceed to ask how they are. Jordy in his first year of school was actively encouraged to ask as many questions as he wanted to stimulate "his imagination" and "the learning mind". The philosophy was “A good learner will ask many questions”.

As part of my job as a Senior Business Systems Analysts I need to ask all sorts of questions, in order to help my clients understand their requirements and to help my developers understand the constraints of the system design. There is an art to asking questions and knowing what the "right" questions to ask. I know that I could walk into any Business that needs help and by asking questions I will be able to determine in a short amount time what their requirements are. This is why I love my job and why I am brilliant at what I do. (I recently received this feedback from a senior executive of my client “Maria is brilliant” so no more doubts Mari!).

When I went to visit Lj, we catching up and because it had been a while I started asking questions and jumping around topics, I was trying to find out as much as possible to quickly get up to speed. Her husband (Andrew) was also there and contributed to the conversation, Andrew says "Maria, you are asking too many questions and getting ahead of yourself" My response to that was "Andrew you know right that you are talking to a BSA. You say one thing and automatically I have multiple questions jumping around in my head". It was all said in jest but it got me thinking.

Another close Indian friend of mine Mayank is getting used to my questions. We caught up a few months ago and I was asking general questions. I said "I know too many questions". His reply was "In 2 minutes you have asked 10 already". Ambar has accused me of constantly questioning him, his motives and asking him to justify his actions. It seems as though to Ambar I was asking him the same question over and over. Perhaps he is right, perhaps I am too curious and my questions come across as accusations. I don't know. (Now I am questioning myself!)

So when does questions turn into interrogation?

I don't ask to annoy people, I ask to understand and I ask because I care. My intentions are never sinister, they are from a place deep within to learn and of curiosity. They are innocent even.

I also wonder if subconsciously I ask questions, (OK I’ll admit a lot of questions) to deflect the attention from me. In all my past friendships I never showed anyone my true self. I was always able to successfully deflect any attention from me to them. Yet on the other hand I also craved some attention and wanted people to ask about me. I don't openly share my deep thoughts and feelings. I don't share my hopes and fears. I don't give that information away freely. I'm never asked either, but I want to be.  Complicated I know!

Ambar has told me over and over to just share and don’t wait to be asked and my response has always been, "why don't you ask". Ahh there it is the accusation that he was talking about! My reasoning was if he cared he would ask. I care and therefore I ask. It is not easy for me to just come out and share, I have the fear that what I want to share is not important enough or not interesting enough for people to care about.  My thinking is, if I was important and if they did care, they would ask. Perhaps here I am wrong again. Also I felt that Ambar was being lazy to ask, simply because he doesn’t like to think, he expects me to share unconditionally without being prompted and yet I am waiting for him to show an interest and ask.

There have been times where I really wanted to share, but didn’t really know how to and was waiting for him to show an interest and ask about me, my life and about the kids.  Yet when the questions didn’t come I would get upset and feel as though I was no longer important enough to care and ask.  In the beginning of our friendship he would ask all sorts of things as we were navigating through the “newness” of this friendship.

Well this was not the intention of this post.  I will be honest I wanted to prove to Ambar that I was right the questions were correct and I was in the right.  I think now that perhaps I need to spend more time in reflection. This is exactly why I love to blog, as I start out thinking about a post and just let it all out on paper (or the web) and BAM! There is a realisation a truth is found! How cool is that!

Whilst it is true that I ask because I care, I have realised that I also ask questions to deflect all attention from me. Do I use my questions to hide? Yes I think I do.

Why do I want to hide?  Perhaps it is because I am scared of being rejected, that if I do just share to the world it will not be interesting enough or important enough.  Perhaps I don’t want to let people in.  Or perhaps I just don’t know!

Even though I don’t feel very good about myself, because I have realised that I have been treating my friends wrongly and yes I have failed! As I have realised that I do indeed hide behind my questions, I can now work at trying to change this and reduce the fear and uncertainty and learn to share. 

How do I start sharing, when I don’t know how?

Perhaps I just need to start simple and when I want to share I just don’t wait for people to ask, I just give the information freely.  I don’t know!!