The End?

Last week was a tough week for me. Friday the 15th of Feb 2013 will always be remembered as a day that I said goodbye to my best Friend. It was unavoidable; I always knew that one day soon Ambarish would be going back to India, with no plans of returning.

I have never had to say goodbye with the knowledge that our friendship was over. Or that this chapter was closed. Tough, devastation and pain are words that come to mind to try to describe what I was feeling, but they don't do my heart any justice. Ambar will say that the friendship will always be there but what he doesn't understand is that it will never be the same again and that is what I am grieving for.

I have said many goodbyes in my life. All my extended family live in Hungary and every time we have visited, there is always excitement before my arrival. The time I spend with my Aunties, cousins have always been cherished. When we see each other it is always time spent getting to know the person again and it feels like I just saw them a week before instead of years.

When I have left Hungary, there are always teary farewells. I have left prices of my heart all over Hungary. On arriving back in Australia there are attempts to keep in touch with regular mail and phone calls. But that soon dies off, life gets in the way. No matter how much both sided attempt to keep in touch, it seems to end the same, we lose contact.

I love my family, aunties, uncles and cousins. But I rarely hear from them. Facebook helps but it is fake. People only post what they want to "show" the world, they don't post everything that is happening. So I know what it is like to say goodbye and saying Goodbye is never easy.

So Ambar, whilst I agree the friendship may remain it will never ever be the same as it was. The same intimacy will be gone. We will both "try" to keep in touch, but we can't stop life getting in the way. You will forget me; we will simply stop telling each other everything like we did whilst you were here.

Our friendship was a one of a kind, a rarity that I am blessed to have found even for a short time. But it was with an extremely saddened heart that I watched you walk away.  The whole day I was fighting back the tears.

To make matters worse there were so many arguments occurring between Ambar and I that I never got to have the closure and memories that I wanted. All the plans we had discussed, nothing came together. We did not leave each other on good terms.

The blind faith that nothing will change kills me. It is day 5 of his departure and I have not even heard from him. It was my twins 4th Birthday on Monday and no contact. This would be normal right? Not for us, the amount of contact we had was very intense. I had grown used to telling him everything as it happened. Now I know that I won’t, as I don't want to bother him with trivial things.

It already is different; I am not saying that different is bad. In this case it is a relief. The intimacy and intensity was getting too much. The energy going into the friendship in the end was not very positive. We argued every day all day. I mean over 150+ message a day all arguments.

I will miss you Ambar and I pray that our friendships moves onto the next chapter and we each “work” at ensure that this beautiful connection we have is not lost.