I forgot to mention that I finally met with the Dietician the other week. I was referred to her to help maintain or even lose weight whilst pregnant and reduce the risk of gestational diabetes.
Whilst it was good listening to what she had to say about the Glycemic Index, it was so in your face obvious that she had no clue when it came to pregnancy. She recommended that I go on a Low GI diet, which just screamed FAD FAD FAD diet, but had some truth to it, low sugar levels means lower risk of the diabetes.
We discussed my problems with cooking dinner, cause I told her honestly that for me that is the most difficult meal of the day, by the time I get home from work, I’m 1) so hungry that take away is to much easier and 2) who wants to start cooking a lavish meal.
Some of the alternatives that she offered were very useful, like make Jacket potatoes, salads, kebabs and grilled meats. Then she went on to mention packet meals, you know the ones like Beef stroganoff where the sauce is in a powder form. I sat there staring at her wondering if she understood what preservatives meant…how can she be a professional dietician recommending 2-minute noodles as a meal alternative?
Needless to say I will not be seeing her again, I will simply go back on the Sure Slim diet that was Low GI and work on making sure that I eat fresh healthy food.
Tuesday, 7 February 2006
Sunday, 1 January 2006
Happy New Year
We had a quiet night last night, I couldn’t stay up until midnight as I had crashed by 10:30pm. I’m glad that we didn’t do anything as I knew that I wouldn’t make it the whole night.
But boy was it bloody hot here! We’ve had the a/c going for the past 48 hours and I’m praying that today we get some relief with a cool change.
I’m looking forward to this year, Tim’s sister is having her baby in Feb, I’m possibly having mine in August, it is our 10 year wedding anniversary this year and I’m turning 30. Much to look forward to, feeling very positive and optimistic about the new year!
To all my cyber blog friends, I wish you all the happiness, love and peace for this New Year and to my infertile friends; I wish that this year be ‘the’ year for you!
But boy was it bloody hot here! We’ve had the a/c going for the past 48 hours and I’m praying that today we get some relief with a cool change.
I’m looking forward to this year, Tim’s sister is having her baby in Feb, I’m possibly having mine in August, it is our 10 year wedding anniversary this year and I’m turning 30. Much to look forward to, feeling very positive and optimistic about the new year!
To all my cyber blog friends, I wish you all the happiness, love and peace for this New Year and to my infertile friends; I wish that this year be ‘the’ year for you!
Saturday, 17 December 2005
Balloon for fear #2
I’m scared, terrified, there is nothing that I can do to change anything. My mind leap frogs from one fear to the next, but I decide to put these fears away, they are doing no-one any good.
I’m sitting under a big tree on a rug the sun is shining the grass hopers are chirping, the birds a singing. When I look down I see this tiny deflated green balloon in my hand. I start blowing my balloon and each breath is a different fear:
- The hcg levels won’t rise
- It’s ectopic
- There’s just an empty sack
- I will miscarry
- There will be no heart beat
- I will get Toxoplasmosis (from my cats)
- I will need a D&C to remove it
I tie a knot at the bottom of the balloon and then tie a piece light green string, I let go of the balloon but hold onto the string. For some reason the balloon is floating in the air.
I get up and walk a short distance to a clearing away from the trees. I look up and there is not a cloud in the sky but there is a small breeze. I’m hanging onto the piece of string with all my heart. I stare at my hand, willing it to let go, my heart starts racing. All of a sudden I just let go, the balloon slowly rises, it almost feels like it doesn’t want to leave either.
I feel a huge gust of wind ruffle the skirt I’m wearing; my hair is in my eyes for a split second. I loose sight of the balloon, I search the sky frantically for the balloon. It is there in the distance now, I watch it get smaller and smaller.
“Did this help” I hear a voice inside me.
“I don’t know” I whisper back.
I’m sitting under a big tree on a rug the sun is shining the grass hopers are chirping, the birds a singing. When I look down I see this tiny deflated green balloon in my hand. I start blowing my balloon and each breath is a different fear:
- The hcg levels won’t rise
- It’s ectopic
- There’s just an empty sack
- I will miscarry
- There will be no heart beat
- I will get Toxoplasmosis (from my cats)
- I will need a D&C to remove it
I tie a knot at the bottom of the balloon and then tie a piece light green string, I let go of the balloon but hold onto the string. For some reason the balloon is floating in the air.
I get up and walk a short distance to a clearing away from the trees. I look up and there is not a cloud in the sky but there is a small breeze. I’m hanging onto the piece of string with all my heart. I stare at my hand, willing it to let go, my heart starts racing. All of a sudden I just let go, the balloon slowly rises, it almost feels like it doesn’t want to leave either.
I feel a huge gust of wind ruffle the skirt I’m wearing; my hair is in my eyes for a split second. I loose sight of the balloon, I search the sky frantically for the balloon. It is there in the distance now, I watch it get smaller and smaller.
“Did this help” I hear a voice inside me.
“I don’t know” I whisper back.
Thursday, 15 December 2005
OMG
I can't really talk (or type) as I'm shaking:
e2 = 1277
p4 = 65.8
beta hcg = 108.
I will be getting more instructions and will be seeing Dr New on Monday to talk shop.
I can't believe this, I feel so very blessed.
Edited to say: Dr New sent his Congratulations and that he will be happy to still meet with me on Monday and that he will ask me to have another e2, p4 and beta hcg on Tuesday or Wednesday next week.
e2 = 1277
p4 = 65.8
beta hcg = 108.
I will be getting more instructions and will be seeing Dr New on Monday to talk shop.
I can't believe this, I feel so very blessed.
Edited to say: Dr New sent his Congratulations and that he will be happy to still meet with me on Monday and that he will ask me to have another e2, p4 and beta hcg on Tuesday or Wednesday next week.
Saturday, 19 November 2005
Sorry
To my darling husband over the last few weeks we have discussed our dreams and hopes for the future and our growing desire for a baby. I know how much you want this cycle to work and I’m so very sorry that I have let you down up till now. January will mark the start of our 4th year of trying and I know that is sucks, I don’t know what else to say but I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that my body has let us down month after month, I’m sorry that I have lost our babies and I’m sorry that you somehow feel responsible or helpless.
To Anyu (mum) I’m sorry that I was harsh with you the other weekend when we were discussing falling pregnant and I said “What happens if I never conceive a child….you have to prepare yourself for that outcome….like I have”. You didn’t like those words and I can understand why, but it is a possibility.
I’m sorry that I have not been able to conceive and hold onto your grandchild. Hearing about others pregnancies does not help and telling me that Apu (dad) may die any day also doesn’t help, asking me cryptically “How is everything…are you healthy..(bad translation)”, also doesn’t help. But I am sorry I never would’ve thought that I will be this age without a baby and it hurts…
To Ellie when you were born I was 14 and I wanted the same age difference for my child and you, but you are 15 now and I’m sorry that your role as God mother has been put on hold every single month. Worst is that I’m sorry that I have had to rely on your teenage shoulders on grown up issues. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that my body has let us down month after month, I’m sorry that I have lost our babies and I’m sorry that you somehow feel responsible or helpless.
To Anyu (mum) I’m sorry that I was harsh with you the other weekend when we were discussing falling pregnant and I said “What happens if I never conceive a child….you have to prepare yourself for that outcome….like I have”. You didn’t like those words and I can understand why, but it is a possibility.
I’m sorry that I have not been able to conceive and hold onto your grandchild. Hearing about others pregnancies does not help and telling me that Apu (dad) may die any day also doesn’t help, asking me cryptically “How is everything…are you healthy..(bad translation)”, also doesn’t help. But I am sorry I never would’ve thought that I will be this age without a baby and it hurts…
To Ellie when you were born I was 14 and I wanted the same age difference for my child and you, but you are 15 now and I’m sorry that your role as God mother has been put on hold every single month. Worst is that I’m sorry that I have had to rely on your teenage shoulders on grown up issues. I’m sorry.
Wednesday, 26 October 2005
Why do I do this to myself?
Me text: Would you mind it if I called you this afternoon, when you finished work?
Zs text: I wouldn’t mind…I finish work at 5:30
Me phone: Hello, how are you?
Zs text: I’m good but I was worried that you called earlier as my battery was going flat, did you call before now?
Me phone: No, I just got on the train and this it the first time I’m calling you.
Me phone: All I wanted to say to you was that I never said that I thought that you had used me, it was never my intention for you to have this message from me.
Me phone: No I did not say that and I don’t know if this will change things between us but I wanted you to know that I never thought that you used me.
Zs text: What ever you think you were saying, you said a (that I used you) a few times and then Tim said that you were telling him all week that this is the only reason we are coming to your house cos we want DVD’s, and he didn’t want to believe you till I asked if we could take some. Everybody does silly things sometimes but you got to admit, until Tim and you don’t come to us to say “look guys we didn’t mean it, we were stupid or something like that, till then nothing is going to change, that’s how I feel, everybody needs to learn to say sorry. I was very upset at that time, but all that happened 7 months ago, but we can’t forgive you if you guys don’t apologise.
Me text: I truly understand what you are saying and you are right 7 months have passed. But you hurt me personally, deeply as you said that I was not your true friend and to this day you too have not apologised for say that, you have not even tried to contact me to try to resolve any of this. I can’t help but feel as though I miss our friendship more than you do. Losing you over DVD’s to me is stupid. I may apologise but I doubt that Tim ever will but G knows this already. So where to from now?
Zs text: I think that you should show him (Tim) our SMS and I didn’t want to contact you cos honestly didn’t think you were a friend if you could of said things like that, and I thought that you have to make the first step I was waiting when it will happened and if you don’t think that I don’t miss our friendship you are wrong, well looks like we are all stubborn. G is missing you guys as well. I think you should talk to Tim. We got to strike the iron whilst hot.
Zs text: I just go home now and G is home as well.
Me text: Tim is standing right next to me and will not apologise for something that is a small issue. So I don’t know what else to do. I also texted you about going shopping and for your Birthday, so I did try to resolve things, but perhaps not hard enough. I don’t hold any hard feelings against you, actually I miss you more than anything. Is there no way to come to a common ground? I don’t expect you to apologise cause I would rather move on.
Zs text: We didn’t feel that was a small issue, I don’t know what to do either the boys should talk to each other, but G doesn’t want to make the first step you should come to NSW with us this weekend and work things out there. We are living sat morn and tues afternoon coming back. What do you think?
Me text: We have already made plans for the weekend but thanks for the offer. I think that I’ve taken more than enough steps to try to resolve this and I don’t think that it is getting use anywhere. You are right the boys need to talk this through.
On the way to work this morning I was asking myself why am I fighting to keep this friendship, when I have Tim screaming at me that he will NOT apologise for asking people NOT to copy our property. I felt like I had to make a step to try to resolve this as in the back of my mind I keep on thinking that Tim’s and G’s 14 year friendship will be thrown away over FUCKEN DVD’s, it is just ridiculous.
Zs text: I wouldn’t mind…I finish work at 5:30
Me phone: Hello, how are you?
Zs text: I’m good but I was worried that you called earlier as my battery was going flat, did you call before now?
Me phone: No, I just got on the train and this it the first time I’m calling you.
Me phone: All I wanted to say to you was that I never said that I thought that you had used me, it was never my intention for you to have this message from me.
Me phone: No I did not say that and I don’t know if this will change things between us but I wanted you to know that I never thought that you used me.
Zs text: What ever you think you were saying, you said a (that I used you) a few times and then Tim said that you were telling him all week that this is the only reason we are coming to your house cos we want DVD’s, and he didn’t want to believe you till I asked if we could take some. Everybody does silly things sometimes but you got to admit, until Tim and you don’t come to us to say “look guys we didn’t mean it, we were stupid or something like that, till then nothing is going to change, that’s how I feel, everybody needs to learn to say sorry. I was very upset at that time, but all that happened 7 months ago, but we can’t forgive you if you guys don’t apologise.
Me text: I truly understand what you are saying and you are right 7 months have passed. But you hurt me personally, deeply as you said that I was not your true friend and to this day you too have not apologised for say that, you have not even tried to contact me to try to resolve any of this. I can’t help but feel as though I miss our friendship more than you do. Losing you over DVD’s to me is stupid. I may apologise but I doubt that Tim ever will but G knows this already. So where to from now?
Zs text: I think that you should show him (Tim) our SMS and I didn’t want to contact you cos honestly didn’t think you were a friend if you could of said things like that, and I thought that you have to make the first step I was waiting when it will happened and if you don’t think that I don’t miss our friendship you are wrong, well looks like we are all stubborn. G is missing you guys as well. I think you should talk to Tim. We got to strike the iron whilst hot.
Zs text: I just go home now and G is home as well.
Me text: Tim is standing right next to me and will not apologise for something that is a small issue. So I don’t know what else to do. I also texted you about going shopping and for your Birthday, so I did try to resolve things, but perhaps not hard enough. I don’t hold any hard feelings against you, actually I miss you more than anything. Is there no way to come to a common ground? I don’t expect you to apologise cause I would rather move on.
Zs text: We didn’t feel that was a small issue, I don’t know what to do either the boys should talk to each other, but G doesn’t want to make the first step you should come to NSW with us this weekend and work things out there. We are living sat morn and tues afternoon coming back. What do you think?
Me text: We have already made plans for the weekend but thanks for the offer. I think that I’ve taken more than enough steps to try to resolve this and I don’t think that it is getting use anywhere. You are right the boys need to talk this through.
On the way to work this morning I was asking myself why am I fighting to keep this friendship, when I have Tim screaming at me that he will NOT apologise for asking people NOT to copy our property. I felt like I had to make a step to try to resolve this as in the back of my mind I keep on thinking that Tim’s and G’s 14 year friendship will be thrown away over FUCKEN DVD’s, it is just ridiculous.
Wednesday, 19 October 2005
10 minutes to spare
Oh the joys of Testing, all IT projects that I’ve worked on go through some sort of Testing. It is part of my job that I’m tired of. When I first started working with this company, all I did was System Test, I loved it, learning how to process Business Transactions, testing something new and finding the problems before it was release into production.
My role here began to change not only did I test things but I got the chance to write the conditions / scenarios that we needed to test. Thinking of new and interesting ways to ‘break’ the new software and as with all things I then had the opportunity to further my experience by having a say in what the new software looked like. Designing the new screens making sure that the people that were going to use them meet their needs.
It seems backwards now but this is how my ‘career’ has developed as soon enough I then got the chance to help define what was expected from the IT department, analyse all the Business needs. But I always came back to testing and during the years I felt a great sense of achievement when I started on a Project that began as a one-line vision statement to implementing the end product into production.
Testing has been the one aspect of my career that has been stable, nothing really ever changes, sure the Design, product, people and issues found changes but the process doesn’t. For some unknown reason I have been stuck with the SME (subject matter expert) in Testing, which some would be proud to wear, I never asked to be that as I always felt the my Analysis and Design skills were more important.
So here I am now again in the Test Phase where once again we are waiting for problems to fixed, it is part of a Project life – testing. But I can’t help feel that I’ve been here and done that for almost 7 years and now it is time for some else to do it.
My role here began to change not only did I test things but I got the chance to write the conditions / scenarios that we needed to test. Thinking of new and interesting ways to ‘break’ the new software and as with all things I then had the opportunity to further my experience by having a say in what the new software looked like. Designing the new screens making sure that the people that were going to use them meet their needs.
It seems backwards now but this is how my ‘career’ has developed as soon enough I then got the chance to help define what was expected from the IT department, analyse all the Business needs. But I always came back to testing and during the years I felt a great sense of achievement when I started on a Project that began as a one-line vision statement to implementing the end product into production.
Testing has been the one aspect of my career that has been stable, nothing really ever changes, sure the Design, product, people and issues found changes but the process doesn’t. For some unknown reason I have been stuck with the SME (subject matter expert) in Testing, which some would be proud to wear, I never asked to be that as I always felt the my Analysis and Design skills were more important.
So here I am now again in the Test Phase where once again we are waiting for problems to fixed, it is part of a Project life – testing. But I can’t help feel that I’ve been here and done that for almost 7 years and now it is time for some else to do it.
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