It has been one of those days where you just want to stay at home and in bed, just reading, watching DVD’s, Dr Phil and Oprah. Where you don’t have to talk to the world, where you can just hide in your safe home without being interrupted. Where you don’t have to think, feel and talk. The hum of the TV, the story unfolding before your eyes with the movie you are watching or the imaginary world that occurs when you are reading a great book is all the company that you need.
I feel as though I’m at the bottom of a well it is all dark and cold, yet inviting down here, when I look up I can see a tiny ray of light the size of a five cent coin. The light represents a real world, the world that I want to hide from. It is a world where I am still not a physical mother, yet I am a Mum to 3 babies that have left me. This world is not a nice place as it is forever mocking me, throwing pregnant women in my path, ladies with gorgeous new born children, people conceiving so easily. This world is a place that I want to hide from. “Just leave me down”.
I feel something hit my head, I can’t see anything as it is dark, but I feel that it is a piece of wood with rope attached at each end. I feel up the rope and it seems to be a ladder. I shudder, I don’t want to go up that ladder…”it will only cause me more pain” I scream loudly.
Yet I hear this noise, the incessant beeping that will not leaving me alone. It is driving me crazy, I scream in frustration. Yet strangely I recognise the beeping it is my mobile telling me that I’ve received a SMS. I reach over and read the message…it is a cry for help from Ellie, she needs help with a small issue. I reply that I will help and receive another message this time telling me how much she loves and needs me and how she can’t wait to see me on Thursday.
I wake up and the world does not look that bad with the love of children like Ellie and Tina who are not my own, but whom I love as though they are mine. The world seems like a brighter place. Ellie always seems to know when I need her the most.