Friday, 6 October 2006

A dark place

It seems that my demons seem to visit me when I’m most vulnerable…at night specifically the early morning feed. Those demons sure went to town on me last night.

I’ve dealt with them successfully since I was a teenager. I have the physical and emotional scares to show. Even during the 3 worst times in my life…during the most trying times of dealing with the miscarriages, I was able to keep the demon locked in his cage.

Oh the bars rattled and I heard a lot of screeching but I was able to fight back and keep him quiet. But to pounce on me now, when I think that all is wonderful in the world is just cruel but also very smart.

The self doubt, pain, uncertainty, anger, frustration and morbid thoughts scare me to my core. I swear that I haven’t felt this way since I was about 16, the temptation to fall back on my old habits and not care about the consequences kept me awake. Seeking reassurance from Tim was the only thing and I mean the only thing that kept me from doing something drastic to myself.

Even looking at Jordan sleeping this morning…more precisely at 4am didn’t help. The thoughts are too gruesome to write but they shocked and rocked me. This is Mari we are talking about…the Mari that tried desperately for so many years to conceive and birth a child…this is the Mari that was for a long time last night out on the edge…very close to the edge. Where I have not been for many years.

The demon in his cage seems so very big today and my bat that I use to bash him back into his place seems to be a very tiny twig. But that bars are holding, I don’t know for how long but they are holding. The lock is still in place but his words, feelings, thoughts are getting through. My protective shield is wavering, pray for me to have the strength to boost my shield and my bat and help me beat this bastard back into his place!

1 comment:

  1. Dear Mari, Im so sorry you are going through a hard time.

    I hope you can ring someone, or see someone to talk. In my darkest times I found LifeLine to be wonderful. You may be experiencing some post partum depression as a result of all the negativity around you in regards to your Mothering? Why dont you ring Tresillian? They are so wonderful, and might suggest a week at their program just so you can have a break away from Family.. just you and Jordan. It would also re-inforce to you that you ARE doing a great job, and give you confidence to stand up against those down-putters.

    Having a baby is a very deep and life changing experience, especially after what you went through to get there. Please try to speak to someone now, you are coping with enough alone, and dont have to tackle the demon alone!

    You are such a wonderful, gentle, kind person, I dont know you in RL, but I have been reading your blog for over a year now. Have confidence in yourself, you should be so proud of what you have achieved, and you need to be kind to yourself after what you have been through. Just remember how very, very special you are, Mari.

    Keep strong, ring someone, and DONT listen to your Families negative comments!

    Im thinking of you.