It seems that my demons seem to visit me when I’m most vulnerable…at night specifically the early morning feed. Those demons sure went to town on me last night.
I’ve dealt with them successfully since I was a teenager. I have the physical and emotional scares to show. Even during the 3 worst times in my life…during the most trying times of dealing with the miscarriages, I was able to keep the demon locked in his cage.
Oh the bars rattled and I heard a lot of screeching but I was able to fight back and keep him quiet. But to pounce on me now, when I think that all is wonderful in the world is just cruel but also very smart.
The self doubt, pain, uncertainty, anger, frustration and morbid thoughts scare me to my core. I swear that I haven’t felt this way since I was about 16, the temptation to fall back on my old habits and not care about the consequences kept me awake. Seeking reassurance from Tim was the only thing and I mean the only thing that kept me from doing something drastic to myself.
Even looking at Jordan sleeping this morning…more precisely at 4am didn’t help. The thoughts are too gruesome to write but they shocked and rocked me. This is Mari we are talking about…the Mari that tried desperately for so many years to conceive and birth a child…this is the Mari that was for a long time last night out on the edge…very close to the edge. Where I have not been for many years.
The demon in his cage seems so very big today and my bat that I use to bash him back into his place seems to be a very tiny twig. But that bars are holding, I don’t know for how long but they are holding. The lock is still in place but his words, feelings, thoughts are getting through. My protective shield is wavering, pray for me to have the strength to boost my shield and my bat and help me beat this bastard back into his place!