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Right this minute there are three words that describe where I am, infertile, mother and suffering from post natal depression.

Infertile
Even though I have Jordan, I’m still infertile I haven’t stopped producing cysts on my ovaries. I don’t know when my period will occur or if I am in fact ovulating. Most recently there has been a lot of talk with family and friends about Bobim #2. When will we try for another Bobim? Are we going to use OI again? How long are we going to try before we seek help again?

These questions just blow my mind and make me furious because there is a gorgeous little boy that needs acknowledgement and love and attention from everyone. By talking about Bobim #2 it can feel to me as though Jordan is not enough and they all want another one…to replace him perhaps. Tim and I have discussed Bobim #2 and logistics, plans of it all but, I’m in no rush. I want to savour my little boy and enjoy all the love, laughter and happiness he brings to our life.

Mother
Do I feel like a Mummy? I don’t know, what should a Mummy feel like…..I have no clue. I do feel like Jordan knows who I am, he recognises my voice and looks for me if I’m in the room and he hears me and he smiles when I greet him. I feel that Tim and I are the only ones that can comfort him when he needs it.

PND
Flick I did the test with the Health Care Nurse and she was concerned with the results, they were high and I was asked to go back and see her. I did and she is even more concerned now. I don’t feel depressed and I’m not unhappy.
I just doubt my ability to look after Jordan properly. I’ve allowed my mother, sister and mother in law the power to tell me that I’m a shit mother. It is in the middle of the night when I’m feeding Jordan that I’m at my worst. I’ve mentioned this before and I’ve mentioned the suicidal thoughts I have at those times. But I make sure that I keep talking to Tim about how I am feeling and it is an effort to keep writing about how I feel.

The HCN wanted me to hold off on the surgery tomorrow and anaesthesia can affect my hormones and make me feel even worse than I do. I need to clarify that I love my son and husband unconditionally and I would never, ever do anything to myself and to them.

It usually after a visit with my mother or mother in law or a phone call from my sister that I feel unworthy of the role as Jordan’s Mummy.

There is a huge emphasis on Jordan’s digestive system and every single conversation I have with these people the words “His stomach is sore” is uttered. It is driving me insane!!!!

After seeing the HCN on Friday I decided to take the power away from these people and be more assertive. I’m not a child anymore for them to walk all over me and I’m about to let others tell me how to raise my little boy. With this I’ve promptly declined any help for the next two weeks and I will not be removing myself off the visiting agenda for this time.

I feel that we as a family need to be by ourselves for a little while and I build my confidences more as Jordan’s mummy. I also need to learn to stand my ground with these people.

These people love us so much and truly honestly believe that they are helping with their suggestions. But right now, this moment every single suggestion that is made…it feels as though they are making these suggestions because they believe I’m a shit mother. Which is untrue I know, I know this but this is how their assvice is making me feel.

An example of this is when I asked my mother on Thursday if Jordan will remember me after I get out of hospital…(this is my greatest fear…I can’t sleep because of this fear)…my mother laughed at me and told me that it was the most ridiculous thing I had ever said to her. This hurt me deeply; it maybe was ridiculous to her but it is my greatest fear. I told her that it was not nice of her to laugh at me…I needed reassurance more than anything. Of course I took it the wrong way but that is where I am right now, vulnerable, insecure. I’m in uncharted waters here…I’ve never done this before, a little reassurance from these people wouldn’t hurt and it would perhaps boost my spirits.

Instead I’m told to give Jordan chamomile tea and even giving him Caraway seed tea, or give more water.It is all of you that, my husband and this blog that is keeping me afloat. I know that some women that are still in the infertile trenches that may feel disgusted that I’m feeling this way. But I never asked to be either infertile just like I never put my hand up to be dealt with PND.