Do not be afraid

During my last kinesiology appointment I was a complete mess. I had faced my sacral room and had opened the door. The shame was overwhelming. In my real life I was in constant flux of arguments, constant pain and yes Ambar in constant doubt all stemmed from my relationships with others. I was complaining about how tired I was, tired of the doubts, tired of the arguments. Exhausted from all this crap I had been carrying around. Her words were clear and they cut through the bullshit.


"You are magnificent"


I was asked what am I afraid of, I burst into tears and she cried with me. As my journey reminded her of her own. To put it simply I was / am afraid of self-acceptance, of my true self.


"You are the only one holding yourself back"


That was 3 weeks ago and the very next day I was determined to face the atrocity of my sacral room on my own.This time when I entered I ignored the emotions being directed towards me. I approached the first person to my right. It was someone who I was in constant arguments with, the very same person in my heart husband.


"I am no longer afraid to let you go. I thank you for what you have brought to my life".


As I was saying this looking into their eyes I reached out to the iron hand and the grip slowly loosened. I noticed that the iron hand had left a bruise. Reaching from my heart I placed my hand just above the bruise.


"Let me heal you from a place of love".


Once complete I said


"You are now free to leave, my fear will no longer hold you".


I was drained but at the same time I started to feel so much lighter. Over the next days and weeks I continued to remove and heal the iron grips holding onto my family and friends. Ambar, Mayank, Timmy, Marian, Nelly, Barney (took me 4 tries to let him go), Atilia, Richard, Melissa, Gyongyi, Leanne, Jodie, Ljuba, Damian, Dirmaid, Benny (oh he was a tough one), Zsolt, Dora, Zsuzsi, Istvan, Agi, Gabor. Thousands of people.


I was lounging on an outdoor chair on the balcony, just staring, not thinking just staring. I became aware that someone was trying to get my attention.


"Mari, Mari! You have to come and see this!"


I lifted my tired eyes and before I could respond, they grabbed my hand and started yanking me out of the chair.


"Please, I don't have anything left in me, just so tired. I have nothing left".


"Mari, you don't have to do anything, just have to see this. Come, I will carry you."


I was picked up and carried to the place where the dark room used to stand. There was no evidence that there was even a room there previously. Instead there was a beautiful glade, a circle of maple trees formed the perimeter underneath the trees were beautiful flowers and to my right there was a stream that you could hear the water tinkling over the rocks.


The natural beauty was not what took my breath away it was the scene. All the people in my life that I had just release my iron grip hold were all there. This time when I looked into their eyes I saw love, acceptance and happiness. My throat closed up over the emotions I was feeling, fight back the tears and trying to not lose control.


A sob escaped me and that was when the flood gates opened and tears came streaming down my face. I was embraced but my husband person.


"Look behind you Mari, look at this miracle."


I turned to see all my past selves leave the tall white tower and make their way past me. Each and every one touched me as they passed. Some of my childhood versions were too excited and whilst dashing past briefly touched my dress, hand, arm. They were eager to meet up with their friends.


My heart person took my hand and tried to tugged me forward to greet people. But I stood my ground and shook my head.





After I had released them all I stood in the centre of this dark room and watched as the wall came crumbling down. I was left standing in the middle of all the dust, dirt and rubble. Slowly nature started to take over and absorb the rubble. I was so emotionally, mentally and physically that I started to shake and sway. Before I could collapse I was transported to the field and straight into the beam of light. After sometime I picked myself up and went to my heart apartment seeking peace and solace.






My husband stood in front of me. "Mari, there was never a need for you to hold on so tight, all who have been blessed to know you love you instantly. We are all honored to have had you in our lives. Some of us are fortunate to still have you. There was never a time where you were alone, abandoned. We were always here for you, we always will be."






"Mari, do not be afraid. I love you, I will never leave you. I am your heart person and you are mine. Through you I have learnt to love again."






Initially I thought that the glade was small, but it was large and could accommodate all. It was as though I was witnessing a large family reunion. Kids running around adult legs, laughing and playing. Teenagers lounging around on the grass smoking.