I don’t know where I should start; this post has been knocking around in my head for a while now. I have tried to put aside what has happened and let go. Obviously it has not worked, hence the reason for this post and it has been a long time in coming.
**Edited to say – this is a tough post and will be long. But I need it out, it is time that I let go and I heal from this pain**
My heart breaks for Ellie (aged 23) and Tina (aged 21) in a month they have lost both their parents. I have no idea what they are going through; I can’t even begin to imagine what it is like to lose parents so young.
With the death of my sister, it triggered a huge healing within our lives. For example, my mother and franks mother have not spoken in at least 10 years. At Ildiko’s funeral they walked arm in arm to the burial site. For me personally, I took a long to time to write her Eulogy and felt that there was great healing in those words.
With the passing of my sister, all the past wrongs, misunderstandings and hard feelings were all buried with her. They left my life as I stood up in front of a sea of faces and told the world how much I loved my sister and wished her well in heaven.
A month and 2 days after my sister passed, my brother in law also died, surrounded by his daughters and clutching a photo of Ildi. The morning of Franks death, Ellie had texted me asking to pick her up so that she could spend some time with my Mother and the kids. By the time I was ready to pick her up Ellie was on her way to the Emergency department for due to a sever panic attack.
I dropped everything as soon as she told me she was going to hospital. I literally threw my kids at my mother in law and then proceed to fly to the hospital. I do not remember the drive there because all I kept thinking was that I just needed to get by her side.
At the time I was working closely with the CEO on a high profile Client project and I had deadlines to meet. But I put work aside to be there for Ellie, I would do it again in a heartbeat, she needed me and I dropped everything, literally everything to be there for her.
After receiving velum and calming down she was discharged. I stayed with her the whole time and even called Tina to let her know what was happening. I will never forget seeing Ellie like that and hearing her words, she was shattered and there was nothing I could do to ease her pain.
Ellie and Tina were trying to do the best that they could in a tragic situation. I felt that this was the time that you rely on the support of your family. They were getting the support but it was only from Franks parents, and my family were being pushed aside. My mother didn’t help the situation very much because she kept on airing her grievances with me.
My mother is grieving, Ellie is shattered, Tina is trying to be strong for the first time in her life stepping up to be there for her sister and putting others needs before her own, there here I am being and becoming the punching bag for my family.
After another tearful phone call from my mother saying how Ellie and Tina have never once brought their boyfriends over to her house and how they are continuously over at Franks parents place with the boyfriends. I cracked and sent a text message to both Ellie and Tina, requesting that they show my mother the same respect that they are showing Franks parents. I was tired of taking on my mothers jealousy so I pushed that message to the source, my nieces.
Was it right that I send a message like that? I don’t know, and it is too late to say yes or no, because I did send it and there was some truth to that message. BUT that message was bred from my mothers jealousy and that is never a good thing.
When you know better you do better!
Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could’ve been any different.
That text message was sent the day before Frank’s funeral and honestly in that moment I thought I was doing the right thing.
When you know better you do better!
The message I received from Ellie was one of hurt and of justification. I attempted to call her to explain but she ignored all my calls. Hung up on me and eventually turned off her phone. I must have called her 20+ times that day. I was left feeling like crap, my Ellie was not talking to me and tomorrow was her Dad’s funeral. I didn’t even know if she wanted me there, if she even needed me because she was not answering her phone!
The message I received from Tina were full of malice and were abusive. She accused me of never being there for her in her life and she was clear in her words that she wanted nothing to do with me. That I could “fuck off and leave her alone” were her words. I tried to explain that I had not been in her life since she disrespected me and my family by bringing police into my home. But that I had always loved her.
In my messages back to Tina I mentioned that I forgave her for the past and I attempted to fill them with love and kindness, even though her words were like a baseball bat beating me down.
Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could’ve been any different.
When she told me that she will never forgive me, I thanked her, because I was thanking her for this lesson.
When I got to my mother place after work that day as she was looking after my kids, I was filled with anger and pain. Ellie was ignoring me and Tina was abusing me, all because my mother dumped her shit onto me! So I let my mother know what she had wrought and she read every single word the girls had texted me. My brother also read every single word.
So here I am at my mother’s house with the kids, the day before Frank’s funeral and I am livid and hysterical. Filled with pain and arguing with my father, mother and brother. I did not want to go to the funeral. There was no way I could go and face these girls that cut me deeply. I was scared that Tina would see me and kick me out of the funeral home, or her boyfriend would do the same.
I left my parents’ house and they were not even sure I would be attending the funeral the next day. I was not sure either.
On the way home Jordy could see that I was very quiet and he asked me what happened and I told him “Mummy is upset because I made a mistake and Ellie will not pick up the phone so that I can say sorry and talk to her”. “That is so rude Mummy”. I asked him if we should call her one more time, he said yes and dialled her number, once again no answer. “That is so rude Mummy”. “I know Jordy, the problem is that it is Franks funeral tomorrow. Should we go?”, “No way Mummy, she is rude”. I was shocked this is coming from a 7 year olds mouth, from my little boy that LOVES Ellie.
With a heavy heart we still went, we knew that we would not be staying for the burial this time, it was going to be a 40 degree day and my heart could just not take it. I just buried my sister 3 weeks previously. When we arrived I saw Tina and her boyfriend out the front of the funeral home and I asked my husband if we could stay in the car until she went inside. I was scared that she would take her anger out on me and throw me out. So we waited and entered after she was inside.
As we walked up, I didn’t look at anyone and just kept walking straight ahead until I saw my mother sitting in a pew towards the back of the chapel. I didn’t think of anything other than getting to my mother and sitting down with my family. No thought as to why we were not sitting at the front, it never crossed my mind. I could see Ellie and Tina clearly and they were surrounded by people.
My husband was adamant that under no circumstances was I to go up to Ellie as he got a whole run down of the previous days events. So instead of going up to her myself, my mother took Lilly to give Ellie a hug and a bunch of flowers. I sent my daughter to Ellie to let her know that we were there.
That night, I knew that Ellie was flying to Bali with her boyfriend so I sent a text message hoping that she would find some time to heal on her trip. She was hurt that I didn’t go up to her at the funeral.
In the weeks after the funeral, both girls have sent nasty, mean and abusive messages to me. From Tina she is saying that I disrespected her father by not sitting in the front pew at the funeral. From Ellie it is that she does not believe that I love her because I didn’t go up to her at the funeral.
I was left with a hard decision and life lesson to acknowledge!
What did I do?...stay tuned to the next post.
Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could’ve been any different
No comments:
Post a Comment