Mixed bag

Work

I’m done, I’ve finished up. The last week of work I only ended up working 3.5 days. I’ve spoken about the fever and the sickness so won’t go there again. On the Thursday there was a nice lunch at one of the restaurants close to work. 30 people from my department went, I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t want the fuss as I just wanted to leave without being noticed. It was nice and quick.

On the Friday the Project Manager that I had been working with for the last 2 years gave a nice speech, although I was totally unprepared for the reference to all the IF treatments and heart aches we went through to conceive and keep Bobim. I didn’t cry but it was very hard. My words back to the department were rushed and mumble. I think that I said something along the lines of “I’m looking forward to my new job of sleepless nights, crying baby and dirty nappies and see you all in a year”.

This is what we received from my colleagues:


Me

Friday night saw me have the worst night sleep ever….ever really? Yes ever! I couldn’t sleep lying down because of the wheezing and choking. Coughing had me throwing up most of the night. Tried to sleep sitting up but seemed to only manage maybe 3 hours total. At one point I was preparing to wake Tim to take me to the hospital. But decided to wait it out until the morning and see the GP again.

Diagnosis = Sever Bronchitis and if I had left it longer…possible pneumonia. So an on antibiotics and a puffer thing to help me cough up the shit in my lungs. I’m happy to report that I’m well on the way to recovery..not there yet but much better than I was.

Parents

My parents arrived home in the early hours of Wednesday morning…read midnight on Tuesday. I was woken yesterday morning to a phone call my mum to come over and take her to the Dr. She had a migraine from the anxiety and the trip. What a way to greet my parents…my mother throwing up and delirious. My Father with his arm so bruised it looks like something out of a horror movie. He had suffered a bad fall whilst overseas and didn’t want to tell me….cause I’m pregnant.

First week of freedom

From work? Freedom you have got to be kidding!!! I had Ellie and Tina with me from Sunday night till Tuesday and whilst I love them to death both of them here when I’m not feeling 100% was just a bit too much. But I didn’t feel that I could say no, plus part of me wanted them to be here.

Today is the first day that I’ve had to myself and just the simple task of doing the laundry this morning has given me a great deal of joy…go figure I know. But it is something that I’ve been wanting to do. This afternoon I plan on going to curtain places to organise quotes for Bobims room.

Speaking about Bobim’s room, I have a whole post with photo’s in the works to show you all what we have done.

Eyes wide shut

I had a minor freak out yesterday, after realising that I only have 26 more working days till I leave work to become a Mum. This idea totally freaked me out…“I’m leaving work to become a Mum….fuck when did that happen?”

I must be going through life with my eyes wide shut, during my IF / TTC time I never thought of being and staying pregnant…never thought beyond the next blood test, next u/s, and next cycle. So you can imagine my total shock of going to OB appointments where I have certificates saying I’m attending “For Management of Pregnancy”….Management of Pregnancy me…yeah right. I still can’t believe that tonight again I’m attending another pre-natal class; all the bruising in my arms indicated that I still pinch myself in disbelief.

If by now I haven’t got my head around being pregnant, imagine how I haven’t even had a wavering thought of the birth and life after. By attending the class, I feel as though I’m just going through the motions. I’m almost waiting for someone to run up to me with a camera saying “Candid Camera.”

Mimi just laughed at me when I was saying 26 more days till I leave work and then went utterly still and deathly pale. No, no, no it can’t be right, after so many years I can’t be leaving work to become a mother…..because that means I have to push this wiggly moving somersaulting thing out of me…..and responsible for a new life….and my dream finally coming true…can it really be real?

“Long deep breaths, long deep breaths….oh fuck…lush green fields, lush green field…oh shit that isn’t helping…little valley near a creak, little valley near a creak…OMG”

My first Mothers Day

I didn’t want to make a big deal but I did want it to be acknowledged that I am a mother, or one in the making. I didn’t want a big fancy gift from Mimi marking the occasion, what I did ‘need’ was a nightie to wear when in the hospital.

Most of the day was celebrated at my MIL house where SIL was also present. Our little nephew has grown so much and I got to have a little cuddle which I’m always grateful for. The day for me was just right, SIL and I had a really good discussion about many topics, but mainly about pregnancy, babies and family expectations. It was a good afternoon, it would’ve been better if my mother was in the country. I missed my Mummy that day.

Today

16th of May 1976 was the date and year of my birth. I turn 30 today, do I feel different? No, do I feel 30? No. It is almost just like another day.

I have no big plans to celebrate today, which my sister has given me non-stop grief. I don’t feel in the mood to celebrate with many people. I’m happy to celebrate with my husband on our own. After last years fiasco with G and Zs celebrations of my Birthday going haywire. I didn’t feel the need for a repeat.

The many past Birthday wishes have been answered and I couldn’t think of wanting anything else than being pregnant with my first baby on this day. That is the entire gift that I needed or wanted, I’m happy with having this little somersaulting miracle in my belly.

I wonder if anyone else has felt this way before.

Crying Baby

I can’t seem to get my SIL and her little boy of my mind, Easter Sunday I got to witness first hand how much she adores her child and how well he is looked after and loved.

Up until this point, my assumptions were purely based on what MIL had told us and the situation was reported as being grim, no love, constant crying by both baby and mother, not feeding correctly and so on.

I should’ve learnt by now that I shouldn’t listen to people and form my own opinions. In this case I didn’t and part of me feels guilty. Last Sunday our little boy fought the need to sleep, it was better to stay awake and look around. But he was tired so mummy had wrapt him up and held him until he fell asleep. A short time later he woke up and started crying, Mummy tried to settle him but he fought it and started getting really annoyed.

It was amazing to see that as soon as he was held, he went straight back to sleep, within seconds. SIL and I took him out to the living room and I got to hold him while he slept.

MIL steps in and starts saying how with her 3 kids none of them cried that much during the day and that our little boy was just a ‘bad baby’. I was quite upset seeing how SIL was being worked up; it is not her fault that her child cries.

As we were leaving I turned to SIL and told her that she was doing a fantastic job! She cried a little and her husband admitted that she didn’t believe that she was doing a good job.

The next morning I turned to the book that I have beside my bed, Baby Love by Robin Baker just to see what she said about crying baby:
Feelings of guilt, loss of confidence and loss of self esteem may come from within or may be triggered off by heath professionals, partners, grandparents or the neighbour. Women whose baby cry a lot often become isolated simply because even if they can accept the crying, others can’t.

A mother with a crying baby may feel disappointed when a much-loved beautiful baby doesn’t come up to everyone’s expectations – ‘not a good baby’. Disappointment might turn to anger as the mother tries harder and harder and becomes more and more exhausted.
From Baby Love by Robin Baker
I’m guessing (as I don’t know yet) that having a new baby can be a tough time and more than anything you need support not criticism or being made to feel guilty. It got worse as the afternoon wore on and as he woke up again MIL started hassling SIL that the baby had a sore stomach or was hungry or thirsty, which was not the case. I’m still so appalled as to how SIL was treated and dominated by her own mother, I just wish that there was more than I could have done for my SIL.

It also terrifies me to think that if SIL wasn’t in the house, MIL would’ve automatically fed something to the child as she thought his tummy was sore or he was thirsty.

The lessons I have learnt from this are:
- Not to listen to MIL about SIL
- Not allow negativity to dominate our conversations
- Grow and stronger back bone to deal with MIL when Bobim arrives
- Leaving Bobim with MIL will be done with strict instructions, or not at all.

I should put a sign on our door in Hungarian and English….Negative Comments and unwarranted advice are not welcome here!!!

Home alone

Tim is off at G’s bachelor party and I have been left on my own. We had discussed this earlier in the week and I encouraged him to stay over instead of coming home and Risk driving after a few drinks. It is a very rare thing that Tim goes out with the boys and it gave me the chance to do some laundry and watch what I wanted to watch on TV….or so I thought.

I have just spent the last 30 minutes walking around the house sobbing, like I’ve lost a pet. There is no reason for me to be feeling this way, we live in a safe neighbour hood, so safe in fact that we often sleep with the front door open.

I wouldn’t call it being scared but I do feel vulnerable, uncertain, I miss feeling secure that my husband is in the house. It is all rather stupid but I can’t help feeling so very alone and almost like he doesn’t care…..oh the joys of pregnancy hormones.

I feel like calling him and begging him to come home, so that I will feel more safe……but I will resist and have a nice shower, read in bed then go to sleep.

Happy 65th Birthday Anyu

It was my mothers 65th Birthday on the 20th of Feb, however we didn’t get to celebrate until last night when we all (excluding my sister and BIL) went to an Hungarian Restaurant.

Before the Restaurant we stopped off a Anyu’s place to surprise her with some gifts and take some photo’s. I tried to make this Birthday really special, I mean 65 years is a bid deal. Instead of buying the gift that is needed like an Iron I bought her something to just spoil her. A Ruby pendant and a big bunch of Roses (you see the roses in the photo).

It is a rare thing that my parents get to see my niece, it is a long story why, short version is for some reason Sister and BIL and parents are not talking and haven’t really spoken in years.

So any opportunity that my parents have to see the girls is when they are at my place and every time they see them photo’s are taken. Here is a picture of Ellie, Anyu, Tina and Apu sitting in the chair. Aren’t they all beautiful!