To my darling husband over the last few weeks we have discussed our dreams and hopes for the future and our growing desire for a baby. I know how much you want this cycle to work and I’m so very sorry that I have let you down up till now. January will mark the start of our 4th year of trying and I know that is sucks, I don’t know what else to say but I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that my body has let us down month after month, I’m sorry that I have lost our babies and I’m sorry that you somehow feel responsible or helpless.
To Anyu (mum) I’m sorry that I was harsh with you the other weekend when we were discussing falling pregnant and I said “What happens if I never conceive a child….you have to prepare yourself for that outcome….like I have”. You didn’t like those words and I can understand why, but it is a possibility.
I’m sorry that I have not been able to conceive and hold onto your grandchild. Hearing about others pregnancies does not help and telling me that Apu (dad) may die any day also doesn’t help, asking me cryptically “How is everything…are you healthy..(bad translation)”, also doesn’t help. But I am sorry I never would’ve thought that I will be this age without a baby and it hurts…
To Ellie when you were born I was 14 and I wanted the same age difference for my child and you, but you are 15 now and I’m sorry that your role as God mother has been put on hold every single month. Worst is that I’m sorry that I have had to rely on your teenage shoulders on grown up issues. I’m sorry.
Saturday, 19 November 2005
Wednesday, 26 October 2005
Why do I do this to myself?
Me text: Would you mind it if I called you this afternoon, when you finished work?
Zs text: I wouldn’t mind…I finish work at 5:30
Me phone: Hello, how are you?
Zs text: I’m good but I was worried that you called earlier as my battery was going flat, did you call before now?
Me phone: No, I just got on the train and this it the first time I’m calling you.
Me phone: All I wanted to say to you was that I never said that I thought that you had used me, it was never my intention for you to have this message from me.
Me phone: No I did not say that and I don’t know if this will change things between us but I wanted you to know that I never thought that you used me.
Zs text: What ever you think you were saying, you said a (that I used you) a few times and then Tim said that you were telling him all week that this is the only reason we are coming to your house cos we want DVD’s, and he didn’t want to believe you till I asked if we could take some. Everybody does silly things sometimes but you got to admit, until Tim and you don’t come to us to say “look guys we didn’t mean it, we were stupid or something like that, till then nothing is going to change, that’s how I feel, everybody needs to learn to say sorry. I was very upset at that time, but all that happened 7 months ago, but we can’t forgive you if you guys don’t apologise.
Me text: I truly understand what you are saying and you are right 7 months have passed. But you hurt me personally, deeply as you said that I was not your true friend and to this day you too have not apologised for say that, you have not even tried to contact me to try to resolve any of this. I can’t help but feel as though I miss our friendship more than you do. Losing you over DVD’s to me is stupid. I may apologise but I doubt that Tim ever will but G knows this already. So where to from now?
Zs text: I think that you should show him (Tim) our SMS and I didn’t want to contact you cos honestly didn’t think you were a friend if you could of said things like that, and I thought that you have to make the first step I was waiting when it will happened and if you don’t think that I don’t miss our friendship you are wrong, well looks like we are all stubborn. G is missing you guys as well. I think you should talk to Tim. We got to strike the iron whilst hot.
Zs text: I just go home now and G is home as well.
Me text: Tim is standing right next to me and will not apologise for something that is a small issue. So I don’t know what else to do. I also texted you about going shopping and for your Birthday, so I did try to resolve things, but perhaps not hard enough. I don’t hold any hard feelings against you, actually I miss you more than anything. Is there no way to come to a common ground? I don’t expect you to apologise cause I would rather move on.
Zs text: We didn’t feel that was a small issue, I don’t know what to do either the boys should talk to each other, but G doesn’t want to make the first step you should come to NSW with us this weekend and work things out there. We are living sat morn and tues afternoon coming back. What do you think?
Me text: We have already made plans for the weekend but thanks for the offer. I think that I’ve taken more than enough steps to try to resolve this and I don’t think that it is getting use anywhere. You are right the boys need to talk this through.
On the way to work this morning I was asking myself why am I fighting to keep this friendship, when I have Tim screaming at me that he will NOT apologise for asking people NOT to copy our property. I felt like I had to make a step to try to resolve this as in the back of my mind I keep on thinking that Tim’s and G’s 14 year friendship will be thrown away over FUCKEN DVD’s, it is just ridiculous.
Zs text: I wouldn’t mind…I finish work at 5:30
Me phone: Hello, how are you?
Zs text: I’m good but I was worried that you called earlier as my battery was going flat, did you call before now?
Me phone: No, I just got on the train and this it the first time I’m calling you.
Me phone: All I wanted to say to you was that I never said that I thought that you had used me, it was never my intention for you to have this message from me.
Me phone: No I did not say that and I don’t know if this will change things between us but I wanted you to know that I never thought that you used me.
Zs text: What ever you think you were saying, you said a (that I used you) a few times and then Tim said that you were telling him all week that this is the only reason we are coming to your house cos we want DVD’s, and he didn’t want to believe you till I asked if we could take some. Everybody does silly things sometimes but you got to admit, until Tim and you don’t come to us to say “look guys we didn’t mean it, we were stupid or something like that, till then nothing is going to change, that’s how I feel, everybody needs to learn to say sorry. I was very upset at that time, but all that happened 7 months ago, but we can’t forgive you if you guys don’t apologise.
Me text: I truly understand what you are saying and you are right 7 months have passed. But you hurt me personally, deeply as you said that I was not your true friend and to this day you too have not apologised for say that, you have not even tried to contact me to try to resolve any of this. I can’t help but feel as though I miss our friendship more than you do. Losing you over DVD’s to me is stupid. I may apologise but I doubt that Tim ever will but G knows this already. So where to from now?
Zs text: I think that you should show him (Tim) our SMS and I didn’t want to contact you cos honestly didn’t think you were a friend if you could of said things like that, and I thought that you have to make the first step I was waiting when it will happened and if you don’t think that I don’t miss our friendship you are wrong, well looks like we are all stubborn. G is missing you guys as well. I think you should talk to Tim. We got to strike the iron whilst hot.
Zs text: I just go home now and G is home as well.
Me text: Tim is standing right next to me and will not apologise for something that is a small issue. So I don’t know what else to do. I also texted you about going shopping and for your Birthday, so I did try to resolve things, but perhaps not hard enough. I don’t hold any hard feelings against you, actually I miss you more than anything. Is there no way to come to a common ground? I don’t expect you to apologise cause I would rather move on.
Zs text: We didn’t feel that was a small issue, I don’t know what to do either the boys should talk to each other, but G doesn’t want to make the first step you should come to NSW with us this weekend and work things out there. We are living sat morn and tues afternoon coming back. What do you think?
Me text: We have already made plans for the weekend but thanks for the offer. I think that I’ve taken more than enough steps to try to resolve this and I don’t think that it is getting use anywhere. You are right the boys need to talk this through.
On the way to work this morning I was asking myself why am I fighting to keep this friendship, when I have Tim screaming at me that he will NOT apologise for asking people NOT to copy our property. I felt like I had to make a step to try to resolve this as in the back of my mind I keep on thinking that Tim’s and G’s 14 year friendship will be thrown away over FUCKEN DVD’s, it is just ridiculous.
Wednesday, 19 October 2005
10 minutes to spare
Oh the joys of Testing, all IT projects that I’ve worked on go through some sort of Testing. It is part of my job that I’m tired of. When I first started working with this company, all I did was System Test, I loved it, learning how to process Business Transactions, testing something new and finding the problems before it was release into production.
My role here began to change not only did I test things but I got the chance to write the conditions / scenarios that we needed to test. Thinking of new and interesting ways to ‘break’ the new software and as with all things I then had the opportunity to further my experience by having a say in what the new software looked like. Designing the new screens making sure that the people that were going to use them meet their needs.
It seems backwards now but this is how my ‘career’ has developed as soon enough I then got the chance to help define what was expected from the IT department, analyse all the Business needs. But I always came back to testing and during the years I felt a great sense of achievement when I started on a Project that began as a one-line vision statement to implementing the end product into production.
Testing has been the one aspect of my career that has been stable, nothing really ever changes, sure the Design, product, people and issues found changes but the process doesn’t. For some unknown reason I have been stuck with the SME (subject matter expert) in Testing, which some would be proud to wear, I never asked to be that as I always felt the my Analysis and Design skills were more important.
So here I am now again in the Test Phase where once again we are waiting for problems to fixed, it is part of a Project life – testing. But I can’t help feel that I’ve been here and done that for almost 7 years and now it is time for some else to do it.
My role here began to change not only did I test things but I got the chance to write the conditions / scenarios that we needed to test. Thinking of new and interesting ways to ‘break’ the new software and as with all things I then had the opportunity to further my experience by having a say in what the new software looked like. Designing the new screens making sure that the people that were going to use them meet their needs.
It seems backwards now but this is how my ‘career’ has developed as soon enough I then got the chance to help define what was expected from the IT department, analyse all the Business needs. But I always came back to testing and during the years I felt a great sense of achievement when I started on a Project that began as a one-line vision statement to implementing the end product into production.
Testing has been the one aspect of my career that has been stable, nothing really ever changes, sure the Design, product, people and issues found changes but the process doesn’t. For some unknown reason I have been stuck with the SME (subject matter expert) in Testing, which some would be proud to wear, I never asked to be that as I always felt the my Analysis and Design skills were more important.
So here I am now again in the Test Phase where once again we are waiting for problems to fixed, it is part of a Project life – testing. But I can’t help feel that I’ve been here and done that for almost 7 years and now it is time for some else to do it.
Monday, 17 October 2005
Feeling like a real woman
I am a female, I have all the female parts, I look like a girly girl, I don’t have a masculine voice. But I have not really felt like a lady / woman. When my period arrived at the start of this cycle I was upset but relieved. Upset for another failed cycle but estactic that my period finally arrived on it’s own. I didn’t have to take any medication to induce a fake period….hhmm depends on how you look at it really isn’t it?
I did have to have injections to stimulate follicle growth and an injection to induce ovulation but no drugs to bring on a bleed…does this make sense. I view the injections separate to the start of my period. Anyway with this point of view I was relieved and happy to start my period, along with it all I did feel a great sense of depression. Depression like I haven’t felt since I was 19.
Which got me really thinking about my life up until now, it almost feels as though after my wedding my hormones stopped working correctly and I’ve just existed. Not living but existing, flat even, in this sense I don’t feel as though I’ve been a real female until now. Do shifts in hormones define you as a ‘real’ woman?
I don’t know, all I do know is that I rarely have a sex drive, I felt happy, contentment, sadness and anger but it just didn’t feel enough until now as I have a broader ranger of emotions. Even to the point of having a sex drive (Tim is really happy).
At one point I sat there thinking and feeling sorry for myself saying things like “It’s not fair, no one knows what it feels like not to have a period and feel flat all the time”. But I realised that there were people that knew exactly how I feel, these people are you - the ones in my PC, the ones that have their own Blogs.
I did have to have injections to stimulate follicle growth and an injection to induce ovulation but no drugs to bring on a bleed…does this make sense. I view the injections separate to the start of my period. Anyway with this point of view I was relieved and happy to start my period, along with it all I did feel a great sense of depression. Depression like I haven’t felt since I was 19.
Which got me really thinking about my life up until now, it almost feels as though after my wedding my hormones stopped working correctly and I’ve just existed. Not living but existing, flat even, in this sense I don’t feel as though I’ve been a real female until now. Do shifts in hormones define you as a ‘real’ woman?
I don’t know, all I do know is that I rarely have a sex drive, I felt happy, contentment, sadness and anger but it just didn’t feel enough until now as I have a broader ranger of emotions. Even to the point of having a sex drive (Tim is really happy).
At one point I sat there thinking and feeling sorry for myself saying things like “It’s not fair, no one knows what it feels like not to have a period and feel flat all the time”. But I realised that there were people that knew exactly how I feel, these people are you - the ones in my PC, the ones that have their own Blogs.
Tuesday, 20 September 2005
What I love
I love my family
I love that my MIL and I are getting close again
I love my house, everything about it
I love my book collection
I love my DVD collection (at times I think that it is the only thing that keeps me sane)
I love the Internet
I love all our PC’s
I love technology it gives me the ability to keep in contact with relatives overseas
I love all the my cyber buddies that I’ve met on EB and the blogworld.
I love my pets
I LOVE my car
I love writing, whether it be letters, documents or blog entries, I express myself so much better on paper than I could ever in speech.
I love dancing, all types I still wish that I did Hungarian dancing, I miss it so.
I love that the one thing I inherited from my mother was her compassion and ability to walk in others shoes, (however on the flip side, I hate that I get hurt so much by people walking all over me).
I love my innocence and am proud that I know nothing about some of the horrors in the world, like crime and drugs …etc
I love my Hungarian heritage, I’m proud to tell anyone that I’m Hungarian, I may have been born here but my roots are there.
I love that I’m creative, painting, knitting and cross-stitching are things that I love to do.
This is a hard one, but I am grateful for this TTC journey, hard as it is, I’ve learnt so much about myself, my needs and it has brought Tim and I closer together. I would not have needed to reach out on the Internet to others and met so many lovely people. I would not have been given a chance to start my chest of dreams. I love that I’ve already bought so much for my Bobim. The saying “double edge sword comes to mind”.
A long time ago I went to a counsellor during a really rough time in my life where she helped me concentrate on those things in my life that are positive, after yesterdays post about all the things that I hate, I was very determined to write this post about the things that I love. By writing down all this it makes me grateful that my life is filled with so much good, even during this hard journey of TTC, I still have things to be grateful for. What a good start to a day huh?
PS: Nico – I will be receiving my blood test results today sometime and will post the results ASAP.
I love that my MIL and I are getting close again
I love my house, everything about it
I love my book collection
I love my DVD collection (at times I think that it is the only thing that keeps me sane)
I love the Internet
I love all our PC’s
I love technology it gives me the ability to keep in contact with relatives overseas
I love all the my cyber buddies that I’ve met on EB and the blogworld.
I love my pets
I LOVE my car
I love writing, whether it be letters, documents or blog entries, I express myself so much better on paper than I could ever in speech.
I love dancing, all types I still wish that I did Hungarian dancing, I miss it so.
I love that the one thing I inherited from my mother was her compassion and ability to walk in others shoes, (however on the flip side, I hate that I get hurt so much by people walking all over me).
I love my innocence and am proud that I know nothing about some of the horrors in the world, like crime and drugs …etc
I love my Hungarian heritage, I’m proud to tell anyone that I’m Hungarian, I may have been born here but my roots are there.
I love that I’m creative, painting, knitting and cross-stitching are things that I love to do.
This is a hard one, but I am grateful for this TTC journey, hard as it is, I’ve learnt so much about myself, my needs and it has brought Tim and I closer together. I would not have needed to reach out on the Internet to others and met so many lovely people. I would not have been given a chance to start my chest of dreams. I love that I’ve already bought so much for my Bobim. The saying “double edge sword comes to mind”.
A long time ago I went to a counsellor during a really rough time in my life where she helped me concentrate on those things in my life that are positive, after yesterdays post about all the things that I hate, I was very determined to write this post about the things that I love. By writing down all this it makes me grateful that my life is filled with so much good, even during this hard journey of TTC, I still have things to be grateful for. What a good start to a day huh?
PS: Nico – I will be receiving my blood test results today sometime and will post the results ASAP.
Monday, 19 September 2005
What I hate
I hate that I earn more than Tim; it means that I have to go back to work earlier after our (yet to be conceived) baby is born
I hate Monday and Wednesday nights, Tim is not at home and it is too quiet.
I hate that I have to inject myself on the nights that Tim is at school.
I hate that I have bruises on my tummy because I can’t inject myself nicely.
I hate that Tim doesn’t take me to Clayton Monash IVF on my blood test mornings anymore.
I hate that I have to be in at work today when I feel shit.
I hate that I don’t have any motivation to do any work today.
I hate that I’ve gone through 3 gonal-f pens without any sign of ovulation.
I hate that the Business have not taken time to read my Design document yet I’m expected to give quality feedback the first morning I arrived back from leave.
I hate the fact that I did give the feedback.
I hate that G earns so much money for doing nothing and gets away with it, I hate that he can claim his fucking 4WD on Tax when he takes the tram to work and gets away with it. (Just the green monster showing herself, but if I’m writing all the things that I hate, I may as well mention this one too).
I hate that I miss G and Zs more than they miss us.
I hate that MIL was all happy that SIL had her baby scan and how excited she is.
I hate that SIL feel pg before I did and I’ve been trying a lot longer than her.
I hate the years that I wasted on BCP and not TTC.
I hate that I’ve lost so many Bobims.
I hate the words, “Chemical Pregnancy”.
Tomorrow I shall do a “What I love” post.
I hate Monday and Wednesday nights, Tim is not at home and it is too quiet.
I hate that I have to inject myself on the nights that Tim is at school.
I hate that I have bruises on my tummy because I can’t inject myself nicely.
I hate that Tim doesn’t take me to Clayton Monash IVF on my blood test mornings anymore.
I hate that I have to be in at work today when I feel shit.
I hate that I don’t have any motivation to do any work today.
I hate that I’ve gone through 3 gonal-f pens without any sign of ovulation.
I hate that the Business have not taken time to read my Design document yet I’m expected to give quality feedback the first morning I arrived back from leave.
I hate the fact that I did give the feedback.
I hate that G earns so much money for doing nothing and gets away with it, I hate that he can claim his fucking 4WD on Tax when he takes the tram to work and gets away with it. (Just the green monster showing herself, but if I’m writing all the things that I hate, I may as well mention this one too).
I hate that I miss G and Zs more than they miss us.
I hate that MIL was all happy that SIL had her baby scan and how excited she is.
I hate that SIL feel pg before I did and I’ve been trying a lot longer than her.
I hate the years that I wasted on BCP and not TTC.
I hate that I’ve lost so many Bobims.
I hate the words, “Chemical Pregnancy”.
Tomorrow I shall do a “What I love” post.
Friday, 16 September 2005
Over reacting...a bit?
I just re-read my post and am wondering if I’m over reacting about the things mentioned. My adopted philosophy (or the one that I use…sometimes) is: “Will this matter in a year from now?” Umm…well no. Then I should just get over these little insignificant things and move on.
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