I wake, it is still dark, I’m sitting in a cramped spot, I’m covered with my duna and I have my favourite pillow in front of my face. Then it starts, my heart beats really hard….thump…thump..it is getting faster, my chest is feeling tighter. My heart, there is so much pain in my heart. I can’t breath, oh god does it hurt.
A cramp seizes me, and I feel a gush between my legs. I double over in pain. Another cramp more pain. I start to whimper. Then a hand reaches out to me, I cringe I don’t want anything to touch me. It would hurt to much. Something wet drops onto my knee (which is drawn to my chest). I touch my check it is wet. I am crying.
The hand reaches for me again, I can’t get away, I’m backed up against the wall. Another cramp, I double over in pain. Then blackness seeps into my vision. I pass out, but really I wish I was dead.
I wake, I feel empty a shell that is not worthy, I’m ashamed and embarrassed, I’m not a fit mother, I can’t hold onto the thing that is precious to me. Questions. So many questions all starting with Why?.
Your entry is really impacting. It made me realise how I feel about getting my period every month - it is a lonely experience when you are battling to get pregnant.
ReplyDelete