It is time to lay myself open to the whole world. Be open and honest about the person I have become. I am not very proud of myself. To be honest I am ashamed and disgusted with what I have done and what I am doing. I can't even stand myself I am so disgusted.
I imagine that my soul had been blackend and is oily, nothing can remove this tainted part of my soul. I think that I have finally become my own nightmare and succeeded in isolating the only friend I had.
I have lost the true person I am and I have become too dependent on one person, my friend Ambar.
I can't even begin to describe what I feel for Ambar. To say he is my friend is an understatement. To say he is my best friend does not even come close. Nick my taxi driver describes him as my soul mate. I don't think that is right either. So he is more than just a friend, more than my best friend but not my soul mate.
As I said I can't describe it, all I know is that my feelings run deep. But I have lost myself in this friendship. Today and last night because of what I have done. So much of my happiness is caught up, determined by him. I have become dependent on him. Me a grown woman.
Whilst there are two people in every friendship and even though Ambar isn't perfect he has always treated me with respect and integrity. The only thing that hurts and confuses me, is the lack of thinking. If you Ambar only sometimes thought a little about your actions then perhaps some of our misunderstandings would not be so dramatic.
I am not perfect, shit I am far from it. I will be first to say I am so far from being a decent human being right now.
I don't like regret and I regret a lot of what has happened recently.
My Christmas break should have been spent in happiness, calm and peace. Instead I can't remember a day that was not filled with arguments. The fault lies purely with me.
I push and push Ambar to admitt how he feels towards me, why? I am trying to work out with his words where I stand with me. It is important to me. This friendship is important to me.
I have all this history that I am competing with. His previous history with other people. He has years and years to build a solid friendship yet with me our time has been short. I am trying to build a solid friendship that will last when there is an ocean between us and he eventually goes back to India.
Perhaps it is this pressure that I place on us that causes all these misunderstandings. I should just trust and believe that this glorious friendship is meant to be. But how does one like me, the one that has been hurt crushed in the past believe? How do I know?
There is the saying "If it is too good to be true, then it usually is too good". How do I know that my feelings and regard is returned? How do I know that I haven't romantisized this friendship, that I haven't made it all up in my mind? That my feelings are returned? When our friendship is purely based on text messages?
Ambar would be the first to say that I have to just simply believe. Also I just have to remove the doubt.
Perhaps I can't bring myself to believe. I don't know. Instead I push and test this treasured friendship and in the meantime all my energy is being focused on the wrong person. It should be focused on me but instead I am worried about my friendship.
I even compare myself to other girls in his life. Me a 36 year old woman comparing myself to some 20-something girls. He praises all his friends highly and is solid in the relationships he has with them. Treats them all like treasured, cherished friends. Yet I notice that with me his behavior is different, perhaps that part is in my head only. I don't know.
I even try to prove to him that I am worthy of his regard and friendship. I have done things for him that I have never had the courage to do for others. Yet why do I still feel like a second class citizen? Why do I still feel that after all I have done has been a waste of time?
The question coming now to me are from my analytical side it is why I am so good at my job. I have to ask myself have these things that I have done for Ambar have they been reciprocated? The answer is "kinda". The next thought that I have is, I don't do these gestures and things to have them reciprocated back to me. That is not the reason I made soup and drove to his place to give it to him, for example.
Then Mari what are you waiting for? What do you want? Perhaps it is simply that I don't feel appreaciated. All that I have given and done has made me step outside my comfort zone and made me vulnerable. I try to show how much I care. Yet this caring is not entirely reciprocated.
Spending physical time with a person is important to me, whilst still in Australia I have requested numerous time to please spend time with me. The effort we spend now I believe will form and cement the foundations of this friendship. Walk along the path with me is what I have asked.
Yet this small request just seems so hard for him. When we were working together we spent a lot of time together. We still work on the same project and we are finally back in the same building and yet I don't see him. It is now the 22nd of Jan and I have been back to work for 3 weeks and we have not seen each other. Not even a verbal Happy New Year. Perhaps I am too old school. I don't know.
This really bothers me, but not him. Ambar believes that because we text every single day (over 100 messages a day) then it is enough. Perhaps he is just a lazy friend. Perhaps if it is so important to me I should take control and make the effort to spend physical time together.
"Mari, why do you always have to give and give? If you were important to him, he would want you to spend time together. But because he doesn't that means you are not important". These are the thoughts that come to my mind. They the trigger all these other nasty negative thoughts and I spiral out of control.
I just don't know what more I can do and I don't think I have any more energy to give.
What have I become? I feel as though I am a teenager eager for some attention from a guy. In essence I have lost Mari.
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