Wednesday, 19 February 2014

Friendship…the last step?

I don’t remember the year, but I do remembeponse fr the circumstance.  My Tim’s best friend was dating a girl.  They started dating before I met my Tim, actually I met my Tim through his best friend.  He was the catalyst for us being together.

I do remember that we were married at the time because I remember living in our house. 

So my husband’s best friend was dating this girl and my friendship with this girl was weird.  When I say weird, what I know now is that I would not have been friends with this girl if she was not dating My Tim’s best friend.  We got along, we made lots of memories together but really we were friends that became that way because we were shoved into a group situation because we both loved men that were best friends.

For some reason there was a falling out between this girl and myself.  The reason for the fall out was obviously not important because I don’t remember it.  What I do remember is that at the time, my Tim was still invited to his best friends place and he went a few times. 

So with the falling out between this girl and I, not only did I lose that friendship, I lost the friendship of his best friend, but my Tim didn’t stand up for me.  I was not invited, not allowed to go over to their place.  For some reason I became the “bad” person.

Fast forward to 2005 and a very similar situation occurred.  This time my Tim’s best friend was dating another girl and we had a falling out over DVD’s.  The difference with this girl was that I feel in love with her.  I just loved her honesty, her sense of humour and her heart. We didn’t speak for a year, the girl and I (over DVD’s), even after I had helped her find the location for their wedding, I researched places, booked appointments with reception halls.  Spent weekends driving her around to all the places.  I did all that because I loved my friend. 

So when we didn’t talk for a year it hurt me, but I always had faith that one day maybe one day we would work our way together and that faith paid off because we did come back together and the past 8 years was filled with happiness, joy, celebration and wonderful memories.

During the time that the “wives” were not talking, my Tim was again still invited to visit his best friend because he needed help moving house and once again I was the “bad” person, because I was again not allowed to visit and I was not invited over to their place.

When you know better you do better!

What I know now is that I allowed myself to be the “bad” person, because I didn’t believe in my self-worth and because I didn’t believe my husband didn’t believe, so he didn’t see anything wrong  with still going over to be with his friend and leaving me alone. Even at the time I didn’t see anything wrong with it either, because I didn’t know any better.

This past Christmas break we went away together to a wonderful place.  The trip should’ve been joyful like it had always been. But the seams had started to unravel, because I was stepping into myself worth.  There was an incident during our trip where my friend accused my Tim and I for not looking after her child.  For allowing her child to go hungry, her child was continuing to only ask for her mother and my Tim and I were busy looking after our own 3 children. 

My Tim started to argue with her and it could’ve escalated to something significant.  But I put a stop to it, at the time I was attempting to just keep the peace as this was the second day of a 7 day trip. Now I know different.

The universe continued to show me signs, whispers as they say.  I just didn’t get it because I was not open to it.

Our trip ended up being stressful but also at the same time wonderful because the kids enjoyed themselves. 

Later in January this on Facebook my friend posted this picture:

It is a wonderful positive affirmation and the words are very true.  At the time my instinctive knew, I just knew in my gut that she did not post that thinking of me.  So what do I do? I thought that I was being cheeky in saying “Yes this is you and me”. How wrong was I, that 
I didn't listen to that voice! I got no response for that message.

When you know better you do better!

Yesterday my friend decided to not come over to our place to celeraate the twins birthday, simply because she was dieting.  Sure my initial invite was for a BBQ, but that is beside the point.  The reason being given to NOT celebrate my twins birthday was because they were on a diet they didn’t want to come over.


This finally was unacceptable for me.  For her the diet was more important than coming over and celebrating my twins 5th birthday and because now I know my self-worth and because now I am awake and on the righteous path.

Yesterday many text messages were exchanged and I am so grateful for my lesson learnt.  I sent “What is typical is your continued belief that this treatment is acceptable.” She sent “Why are you like this? I feel like I can’t win with you.”  My initial response to that message was “Well I know that I will never be good enough for you”.  Just that thought…that thought that I know that I will never be good enough for her was my biggest moment and this has me so very excited.  I do know my worth and I am worthy of a fulfilling friendship and I am worthy of being a cherished friend, simply because I am me.

My dear Tim decided to step in and take responsibility, my initial reaction yesterday was “NO…NO NO NO I don’t want to be the “bad” person any more”.  I began to realise that I had allowed this situation to occur.  RIGHT then I remembered the times that this occurred with my Tim’s best friends girlfriend/wife and that my husband did not respect me enough to stand up for me.  This was not the fault of my Tim, this was my own self-worth screaming at me. 

So my Tim called his best friend and let him know that this treatment from his wife is no longer acceptable and that we would no longer be going away with them.

Now if that is not proof of his love me for then I don’t know what is! My Tim was willing to break a 20+ year friendship all because NOW I know my true worth.

Part of me is sad but I am not debilitated from the loss of this friend.  I am grateful for the friendship but more importantly I am grateful that I know my worth.

1 comment:

  1. Maria, what a beautiful realisation and although still some unsettled feelings at the way it's ended, such joy and bliss at the massive shift! It feels uncomfortable when we do something we're not used to doing but deep down, you knew it was time. Time to step up and into your self-worth, that was there all along but that you hid from the world. Well done and an inspiration to everyone feeling 'not good enough' to be respected.
    Daniela xx