Work to live or Live to work?

I have been thinking about this question the whole time I was on Annual Leave.  Do I work to live or live to work?

I asked my husband the same question and he said that he “lives to work”. I am the work-a-holic huh!

I have had a number of different jobs in my working life:

. Laboratory Technologist

. Factory worker

. Office cleaner

. Sales persons

. Mobile Phone sales

. Systems tester

. Business Analyst

. Project Manager

. Lead Business Analyst

. Senior Business Analyst

. Consultant

When I first joined National Mutual as a Systems Tester, I was a contractor and it took me only 14 days to find this job.  I was grateful to have been given this opportunity.  I quickly became interested in learning from the Business Analysts working there. 

Within 3 months I was made permanent and not long after that I was also quickly given a promotion. At the time I remember working normal Office hours, 9 to 5.  What I did not realise at the time was that I was made permanent and given a promotion simply based on my work ethic and not because of the amount of hours I pumped into the company.

As soon as I was given more responsibility I felt as though I needed to step up my dedication and ensure that I did not let anyone down. So I simply started working 10, 12 then 14 hour days for free, meaning I didn’t even get paid overtime.  I would’ve been 23-24 years old and started work at like 7:30am then would easily work to 8:30pm.

I nearly lost my husband at the time, but you see I didn’t even notice what I was doing.  I was so consumed with “making sure I did a good job” and “ensuring I didn’t let anyone down”  that I did not really notice that I was losing my husband. Very selfish right? I honestly didn’t even notice what I was doing because I just so consumed.

It took a lot of fighting and screaming from my husband before “I woke up” so to speak.  Things did get better, I got better!  I ensured that the 8 hours I spent at work was more productive.  If you work in IT and you work on projects there will always be “crunch” time. On well planned projects it usually is around the end of testing towards Implementation, it is just the way it is.

The last Client I was working for the project was poorly planned and the crunch time was always on.  So I was working stupid crazy hours, not every day but very regularly.  I also started working on the weekends.  Rylie and Lilly was 9 months old when I started working at IQ and this last client.

I had been made redundant from National Mutual / AXA as a result of the GFC, so again I was simply grateful to have been offered a job at IQ.  The Easter long weekend I worked over 24 hours straight, my first mothers day with my twins I spent sleeping as I had worked 22 hours straight. Every long weekend for nearly I year was spent Testing systems implementation mainly at ungodly hours.

Now at this Client I again have started the same patterns again not as bad but still bad enough. Is the client to blame or me? Honestly I believe both.  The Project is very poorly planned actually I have not seen a plan yet.  Me yes I am completely to blame, yet again when given additional responsibility I felt as though I needed “Prove” myself not only to this Client but also to my Employer.

Recognising this pattern is a very big step for me.  I just need to continue to communicate with my husband and continue to write and question the need to work such long hours. Overtime and additional hours and pay is sometimes great but not at the cost of my health and family.

Yesterday I “Lived to work” but today I choose to “work so that I can live”.

Did the unhooking work?

I am not sure that it did as I am filled with rage that I just can’t control.

See in my mind I need to figure out what is wrong in order to fix it.  This is just the Analyst in me coming out; it is why I am so suited to my job.

Anger seems like such a pissy weak word compared to how I am actually feeling.  When I hear the word RAGE, I imagine those cartoon bulls foaming at the mouth, steam coming off their coats and when they are panting steam / smoke is blown through their nostrils.  The bull’s eyes are full of hatred and red.  The animated bulls face is horrific to look at.

Yep that image of rage is exactly what I am feeling and what makes it worse is I do not know why and I NEED to know why so that I can fix it.

I have my suspicion as to what could be causing this rage and it is either related to the “unhooking” or I am suffering PMS which means my period maybe coming on soon.  My gut says it is my period and not the unhooking because when I read that post I feel a sense of peace.

Those that see me at work will not have any clue that this is what I am feeling as I tend to hide my true self from the outside world.  Those that are close to me like my husband, kids and friends may feel the full impact of this rage.

I lose control easily over small insignificant reasons, for example my daughter has a bad habit of scratching a sore on her face whilst sleeping.  Before going to sleep I went into the twins’ room and noticed that once again she had scratched her face so much that her pillow was covered in blood.

I picked Lilly up and started scolding her so much that she started crying. I brought her into my bathroom and continued to berate her while washing her face. The volume of my voice got louder as I telling her off.  Eventually I made my daughter stand  in front of me until she apologised for scratching her face. I could tell that she was frightened by my treatment.

During this whole time in my mind I had thoughts like “Stop yelling at her, she doesn’t know what she is doing”, “look at how you are making her feel”, “She is just a child”.  There was no physical way that I could stop myself.

God I know I overreacted and after the release of rage it was almost like a “let down” and when I came crashing back into myself I was filled with so much remorse and guilt that I woke 5 times during the night to pick my sleeping daughter up and cuddle her.

Yesterday I was very bad  I imagined myself standing in front of a brick wall bashing my fits, kicking my feet and banging my head against a brick wall as I was filled with that much rage.

Today I am better, but today I am also filled with remorse and regret.  I hate losing control and I hate feeling like this.  I need help and I don’t know what to do.

Unhooking the link

I am seeing a new Kinesiologist and she is just Awesome! We are very similar and I know that I was meant to meet her and have her guide me through the path from negativity into the path of positivity. My path is riddled with speed humps that sometimes feel like mountains that I need to climb.

I am currently long overdue for a balance, unfortunately work got in the way of my last appointment and I just not had the time to reschedule.  Actually as I write the line it makes me think that it is not time that I don’t have.  I am simply not placing myself and my needs up on top of the list. (WOW what a big step that was…recognising the “bad” behaviour)

One of the things that the Kinesiologist suggested to me was “unhooking” the physic hooks from the people in your life.  This “unhooking” is for when you feel as though you are being dragged down. When you feel as though you are taking on other peoples bagging or for when you feel as though the people are just too much to handle, or when you feel as though you are loosing yourself.

When this was suggested to me I imagined that the “hook” was a fishing hook with fishing wire that was linking me to the other person.  At that stage it was Rylie that was displaying behaviours that were outside his character.  I could not leave the room without Rylie crying.  Once I removed the “hook” Rylie went back to normal.

I try to do this regularly where I imagine the people in my life and then remove their physic hooks from myself.  This does not mean that I am removing them from my life it just means that I am not dependant on them and whatever their deal is will not affect me.

The hook that I am trying to remove today just will not budge.  For some reason I can not let go of this hook.  It is driving me crazy.  I do not like the person I have become or am becoming.  With other people the “hook and line” are thin and easy to remove.  With this person when I imagine the hook it is about the size of my hand and the line is as thick as my arm and as strong and heavy as concrete.

I have tried and tried and tried to mediate on getting this hook out of my soul and body it is just so hard.  My mind has imagined that it is hard and therefore made the hook and line unmovable.  Today I am going to attempt it for the last time and this time I will succeed:

“I do not need you to be me.”

I walk to the mirror that helps me look into my physic layers.  I see my true-self in this mirror and it takes my breath away. I look at my chest and see the hook lodged into my heart.  The area around the hook is black in colour.

“I do not need you to be me.”

I concentrate on the hook trying to dislodge, every time I try to remove the hook, it creates another tear in my physic heart. This is just not working! Yanking it out will not work.

“I do not need you to be me.”

In defeat I sit on the grass looking at myself in the mirror, negative thoughts keep coming through. “It is useless”, “this will never work”, “you are stuck with this hook for life”.  So here I am sitting there with all these thoughts rolling around in my head.

“I do not need you to be me.”

I am despairing and am feeling quite unhappy and sad.  When I start remembering all the happy times I’ve had with the person at the end of the fishing line.  Like:

• the times where I looked forward to work as I knew that I would be spending time with the person
• the first time I sent this person a text message
• all the conversations I have had
• each and every time we spent physical time together
• Christmas party
• New Year ’s Eve
• Easter morning

I notice that with each positive thought/memory, the hooking was getting smaller and smaller. So I keeping them coming, first time I was shown affection, first time I held their hand. The time we spoke for 3 hours on the phone. First time I saw behind the concrete wall surrounding their heart.

“I do not need you to be me.”

I spend some time sitting there thinking and remembering everything each and every moment.  Soon tears are running down my face as I am feeling overwhelmed with gratitude.  I look back into the mirror and notice that the dark spot over my hearts has now turned a beautiful Rose Red colour and the hook is now the size of a proper fishing hook.

With the last thought “I do not need you to be me” I remove this hook from my heart and in doing so it is also removed from this person. Finally after weeks and months this hook is removed and I feel as though I can breathe again.

Before I leave the mirror however I ensure that I repair the hole that this hook caused.

Finally after nearly 6 months I am free and I can breathe!

Books that I have read

Phew now that was a lot of reading!

Some very heavy reading recently and worthwhile because I have learnt so much!

 

I started off with this a number or months ago and it took me a while to get into it, most likely because I didn’t want to acknowledge the lessons that were being said to me.

The biggest lesson I have learnt through this book is that I do not really have the “tools” or “experience” in being a best friend. But I now understand the importance of having a best friend in my life:

“Having deeply accepting friends helps us beyond the fact of being accepted by others, and then by ourselves. When our deepest relationships know us and accept us anyway, we are now free to deal with our weaknesses as a problem, rather than a condemnation.”

This is what has happened to me.  I was accepted for who I was and then was able to finally look at my own acceptance as something easily achieved.

 

This next book, I can never be anymore grateful towards the Author of this book. From the first page I started highlighting. It is as though the author opened up my life and wrote everything that had been happening to me recently. Nearly every single chapter has pages and pages all highlighted with comments.  This passage best explains what I have learnt:

 

The sin in this instance is the sin of my vulnerability and doubting my worthiness.

I despaired so much when I started reading this last book, because I started to identify that I was an “Unsafe person for my friends”, a work colleague that recommended this book told me to persevere.  How I am still not convinced that I am a “Safe” friend.

I am very humbled and affected by the learning’s from this book, also if anything I started doubting myself again. Here is passage the helps sums up what I have learnt:

“The idea of changing our own character first is really what this book is about. In order to have safe people, we must first become safe people ourselves.”

I still have other books to read.

Difference between “Need” and “Want”

One of my kid’s favourite movies is Nanny McPhee and we watched about a month ago and I have seen this movie time and time again yet this time her famous quote stayed with me. “When you need me but do not want me, then I must stay. When you want me but no longer need me, then I have to go. It's rather sad, really, but there it is.”

I will not be talking about leaving in this same sense as detailed here but I have been thinking a lot about the differences between “Need” and “Want”.

I have been working with this Client for the past 16 months and whilst I still love the work that I am doing, I am feeling a little under appreciated.  I have been struggling with this whole placement for a little while because I would like to make in impact, add some value to this Client and I really do not think that I have been given an opportunity to realise my aspirations.

Recently I was asked to help out my old team and this was not the first time that I have been asked to go in a clean-up others messes. This time though I was feeling very disillusioned because I had the feeling that my old team “needed” me but they did not necessarily “want” me. This thought has kept me up at night, mainly because I don’t know how I feel about this realisation.

I went onto thinking about “needing” and “wanting” people in my life.

Need – When you Google need you can find all sorts of definitions on the word.  For the purposes of this post I found this one close to what my take on it is: “A physiological or psychological requirement for the well-being of an organism”

Want – The definition for the word “want” is simpler “to wish, crave, demand, or desire “

I also then asked some of my friends whether they “needed” our friendship or they “wanted” it.  For me either answer would’ve been good and it was not a test, I was just asking to hear about their views.

Most of the people in my life, I both need and want them.   I have the psychological requirement to have them in my life and I also desire and crave the time I can spend with each person that is important to me.

A very dear friend of mine replied the following to me: “Both "need" and "want" are words that can come with the hidden feelings of demand and I believe that by having a true friendship it should have no demands. In a real true friendship there is either need nor want only purity”

How beautiful is that?

I loved it and I promised my friend that I would not mention them by name here.  But I absolutely loved this…there should never been need or want only purity!

Love

There are many forms for love, and this post has been rolling around in my heard for a week. It is interesting to wonder if love is learnt or is in inherited?

When we are born you feel the love of your parents, siblings and family. But when do you “know” / “feel” that you are loved?  In my family my parents were not ones to say “I love you”, but I know that my parents love me. 

In your childhood you will learn the love of friendship and if you are blessed you will learn the love of a best friend.  In my childhood, the friendships I made all turned out to be with children that were mean and they used me.  I was bullied and even violated at a very young age.  Possibly because my heart was so open, not sure and I am not going to dwell on that part of my life.  There is no point!

At the age of 15 I met my first love; I was with this boy off and on for 3 years.  I know that I loved him because I was completely bestowed,  I could not imagine my life without this boy in it.  We were happy together and we were also very young.  As with most first loves or with most people that age, misunderstandings have a way of breaking a relationship.

There will forever be a special place in my heart for this boy.  He taught me a lot of positive things about me but he also didn’t accept me and had a lot of negative things to say to the 18 year old Mari when the relationship ended.

At the age of 18 I met (and am still with) my life partner.  To say that I love my husband is without question.  I love him more today than I did on my wedding day. If you have been married as long as us (16 years) you will know that there are ups and downs as there are in every relationship.  The key to our marriage is communication, communication, communication.   

Then there is the love you have for your children.  There is nothing in this world that can completely describe what that love is like.  There are no words in any language that can come close to expressing how a mother can lover their children.  I am very lucky as I have bonded with each of my kids completely. 

As you get older you may find friends that come into your life that will teach you all about yourself. If you are lucky your friendship may grow into love.  The love of a friend, I consider myself blessed that I have finally found true friends that I love like my own family.

Lastly there is the love of a soul mate, one that you will find over and over in every life that you inhibit. I know that I have found my soul mate again in this life and for that I feel completely blessed.

My heart is large, it can hold all the love I have for others.  What is missing in my heart is simply the love I "should" have for myself!

A life without love, is no life at all!

A new chapter

Új fejezetem

Easter is my favourite holiday; my memories of Easter have always been positive and happy. I love the Hungarian traditions leading up and during the Easter period.  I hope that my husband and I can continue teaching our kids these traditions.

When you Google one of the definitions for the meaning of Easter is linked to the Catholic / Christian belief of the resurrection of Jesus Christ. If you look at the significance of the Easter egg it is again linked with the Catholic belief of Jesus rising from the grave.

This post didn’t start out to be of a religious nature, I am just letting the words flow out of me.

Új fejezetem

I have decided that yesterday marked a new chapter.  I am determined, possibly out of anger not sure, but I am determined. I am not going to allow myself to be treated poorly. Actually I will not treat myself poorly anymore. 

As even though I thought I took back the power of my heart, it seems as though I still seek validation from others.  I constantly give the power of my self-esteem to others and no one has the right to have a say in how I should feel.

I struggle with this daily and if my last few posts are any indication I have allowed others to dictate how I should be feeling.  After years and the last number of months trying to uncover the real me, finally know my worth.

Új fejezetem

What is different this time?

A lot! The Mari that you will see on the streets of Melbourne will not take any crap from anyone.  Even the people that read this blog and know me in real life will see a difference. So either take this as a warning or take this as a celebration.  I know my worth!  You hear me??? I know my worth!

I am tired, just plain tired I want no more arguments in my life.  I am tired of feeling like crap all the time. I am tired of the doubts; I am tired of the second guessing.  I am tired of the negativity.

Just so tired!

Where I feel that I am being wronged in anyway, or I feel that my worthiness is not being respected, I will remove myself from the situation, with no comment as I have no need to justify myself to anyone.  That may seem harsh but no one will look out for me, I cannot count on anyone.  I can only ever count on myself. Even my friends I cannot always assume that my friends will always be there for me and that they will treat me with the respect that I deserve.

I cherish all the people in my life, they bring me so much happiness and complete my life, I would not be the person I am today without these people. However if I feel in any way that my true value is not being appreciated or accepted, that friendship in my eyes and heart will over because in this new chapter in my life, I will not stand for anything else.

I will always preserve the real me and I will not jeopardise my true self.

I know my worth, I know my worth, I KNOW MY WORTH!