Sunday, 12 August 2012

An "Ah-ha" moment

I am inspired by many sources and places. Simply driving down a country road will inspire me to stop and just absorb the beauty that nature provided.

If you have read some of my previous posts you will know that Oprah is also an inspiration to me and she often referred to certain distinct moments as “Ah-ha”.

I had one at 4:30am this morning.  I woke due nature calling and as I attempted to go back to sleep the usual thoughts started “Why am I not worthy enough?”, “What did I do that was so wrong?”, “What do I need to do differently in future?”, “Maybe Nick is right, I am too overwhelming”, “I am not even worthy of being in the same room with them”.

These questions and other uber bad thoughts rolling around in my head, along with the thoughts my mind then tries to remember moments of time where I went wrong.  I am desperately seeking the problem in order to fix what I did wrong.

As my mind is racing away, like a flickering page book.  One scene that was completely unexpected popped into my head. 

There is little Mari, she is a 6 years for age, skinny little thing all legs and arms. She has just been hurt for the first time by girls she thought were her best friends.  She is crying and scared and questioning everything about herself (recognise this??).

An older version of Mari enters and says “Here is a layer to help protect yourself for the hurt of other people”. 

There was always an emotional reason for my excess weight.  I found it so hard to pinpoint, my body does not produce the right hormones which I have well documented.  No amount of dieting and fitness will help me to lose weight until I work out the emotional reason for my obesity. 

At 4:30am this morning I finally realised that the reason why I am so obese was because I was and still am trying to protect myself from friends that hurt me in the past.

This realisation was my “Ah-ha” moment, because as soon as I had this thought it felt as though things clicked into place.

18 years ago when my first love told me to leave his life, I was hurt and depressed.  At that time I doubted myself and tried to figure out what I did that was wrong. The feelings I felt at the time were always sadness, hurt and disbelief.

This time when I was told that my “best friend” status is no longer valued and never really had any meaning.  I am angry, furious and in a constant rage.  Why? Well the difference between now and then, is that I know my worth!

I have to wonder if the main reason these past 7-8 months have been so hard is because the universe is trying to get me to realise that I am fat because I am trying to protect the 6 year old Mari that was hurt deeply.

I will ponder this the next time I see my kinesiologist, but somehow this resonates with me to my core.

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